Well folks, Christmas is just three days away. The Christmas lights are glistening, the presents are tucked away under the Christmas tree, the cocoa is being poured, the gingerbread cookies are sizzling in the oven, and the hot sun is blasting its warm heat down upon all of us.
Wait, is that last part supposed to happen?
Everyone (and yes, I mean everyone) keeps pointing out to me, “Hey, it’s December, and it’s still not cold yet!” And my reply is always the same: “Eh, I’m sure by Christmas time it will be freezing again. Don’t worry.”
But then, today I realized, I don’t think we should be excepting a rapid temperature change in just three days’ time. It’s going to be a warm Christmas whether we like it or not.
I swear, I think I have heard at least 17 times this winter, “Tomorrow is going to be the last warm day of the year. Then it’s going to be cold for good.”
It’s so hot out, that Santa Claus is going to have to ditch his cloak and wear a red and white wife beater when he delivers his presents this year.
Say what you want about snow, but I think it is completely un-American to not wish for a white Christmas. It just has to be. It’s not Christmas without a thick layer of white powder blanketing my front lawn. I’m so desperate that I may contact my local drug dealer and purchase his entire supply of crack cocaine, just so I could pour it all around my house on Christmas day so that it at least feels like Christmas.
Today I was actually hot when I was outside. Not cool, not lukewarm, not comfortable —hot.
And to be honest, I don’t like using the phrase “global warming.” It’s one of the most overused terms that we see on Facebook now. Because in reality, nobody knows what the heck global warming is and how it is actually affecting us. We are not scientists.
But, God damn, it’s so hot that Santa’s reindeer are actually to die of dehydration during their travels this Christmas.
It’s so hot that the Winter Classic ice hockey game between the New York Rangers and the Philadelphia Flyers on New Years day is going to turn into a Winter Classic water polo game.
It’s so hot that people will be leaving chilled lemonade in their living room for Santa instead of milk and cookies.
It’s so hot that people are going to be sitting under their Christmas tree just to get in the shade.
It’s so hot that this year, instead of the yule log, CBS is going to be playing still footage of an iceberg.
I really could go all day with these.
However, I suppose that the true spirit of Christmas lies in spending time with family and enjoying life, regardless of what the temperature outside is. All that matters is that you are together, with your loved ones, sitting in your pajamas and opening presents.
Well, fuck that. I want snow, and I want it now.
In fact, you know how Mel Gibson has himself cryogenically frozen in the movie “Forever Young” so that he doesn’t have to watch his girlfriend die from a coma? I want to have myself cryogenically frozen on Christmas Eve, and not be awoken until snow begins falling again. Would that be a spontaneous, foolish overreaction? Absolutely. But it’s what has entered my mind, so I fully expect to go through with it. Once I invent a cryonic chamber, of course. Does… anybody… know the first thing about going about that? No? Well, that is what Google is for.
In all seriousness, this may be the last post I make before Christmas, so if it is, have a very merry jolly good time on Sunday, everyone. I hope that, like me, when you went Christmas shopping this week, you found yourself only buying things for yourself, and nobody else.
That’s what Christmas is truly about.