RIP Dell Weingrad

Hello everyone! I apologize for the brief absence. My computer that I had all throughout my college years finally reached the end of its tether. It had been on the decline over the past several months, and it finally hit the hay. It was pronounced dead at 11:22 AM EST on the morning of December 27th. It went peacefully and without any pain. The ashes will be scattered at its birthplace at Best Buy and its will shall be read tomorrow.

Sadly, it will not live to see the new year. However, if any of us knew it like I did, it would ask us to not dwell on that sad fact. It would want us to celebrate its memory, and to remember all the happy times. It was survived by its wife of two years, and three children. It will certainly be missed.

While the autopsy has yet to be performed, I can confirm that the cause of death was… a virus.

Yup, a virus. Seriously, who crates a virus? who is that miserable that they sit in their basement and spend hours creating something that will only cause harm to other people. What purpose does it serve them? Also, they don’t even know who exactly they are affecting! To me, this is worse than terrorism. While horrible, at least those people have a cause. they have targets. they know whose lives they intend to make miserable. But these people that create viruses are not aware of that information. What the hell is the point? I think I speak for everyone when I say that anyone who has ever created a virus should follow these simple instructions:

1. stand up.

yes, I know this may be difficult. But clearly, you’ve been sitting at your computer for a long, long time. obviously you do not cleanse yourself, so that horrible thing you smell… is you. try opening up the blinds, that bright thing is called the sun. Oh and if you happen to see a human being that looks different from yourself, do not fret; it’s called a women.

2. walk into kitchen.

you may own your own apartment or even house, but most likely… you still live with your parents. So make sure they are not present while you enter the kitchen. Because this could get ugly.

3. grab butcher knife

I’m sure you own cutlery, so look for the knife that is the biggest and sharpest. The sharper the better. In fact, if you own an axe, grab that! Get creative.

4. insert into carotid artery

Now this may hurt a bit at first, but from then on it only gets better, believe me. I’m not speaking from experience, but… I just know. There may be a lot of blood, but that’s normal. So don’t be alarmed. Your breathing will now officially be obstructed, so expect that.

5. Die.

This is probably the most easiest instruction, because you don’t really have to do anything. Just let things play out as they may, and this part of the process will occur.

Congratulations, if you have followed those simple five steps, then you have just simple made this world a better place by killing yourself, you good-for-nothing-computer-virus-creating-motherfucker. Good riddance!

As for everyone else, you can now all thank me for ridding this world of evil computer hackers. That’s David Samuel Weingrad, saving the world… one blog at a time.

Super Weingrad! (whose one weakness is apparently a lack of right hand)

That’s all for tonight… I’m going away for a few days so unfortunately there will be no bloggetry for a few days. until then, peace and love. I will see you all in 2010!!

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I Hate it When Phone Companies Cut Off My Text Messages Because it is

Dear AT&T, T-Mobile and any other provider that isn’t Verizon,

If you cut off another one of my text messages, I am gonna flip a shit. I’m sick and tired of sending an awesome, witty message, only to get an immediate reply from some bizarre phone number telling me that my message exceeded the character limit.

Don’t they know who I am?? Cutting off a text message from me is like spitting in god’s face. Every text message I send has great meaning. I’m not one of those douches that texts back “ok” when they receive a message, or other stupid messages that people send. I send funny thoughts, hilarious anecdotes, and urgent information. However, there is just one flaw. EVERY GODDAMN WORD HAS TO BE THERE FOR THE MESSAGE TO HAVE MEANING.

The end of the message is the punch line! Without the punch line, it’s just meaningless words. And I just look like an idiot for texting somebody an incomplete thought. There’s nothing worse than receiving the immediate reply-message giving you the bad news. Because then you have to text the person back explaining why you just texted them a message that stops mid-sentence.

Why must this happen. One day somebody is going to die because they were texted by somebody with a different provider. It’ll go something like this:

“You must listen to me. You are in grave danger. Don’t ask me why, and you must pay close attention to everything I say because time is running out. I know this sounds crazy but you have to believe me. Mortal danger is upon you. There is one way to survive and one way only. To accomplish this you must immediately”

And just like that. Because of the petty sonofabitches that work at the phone companies, somebody just died. THEIR BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS.

I swear to god if I get one more text message sent back to me, I’m going to kick a puppy.

That’s right. You see that puppy there, phone people? You alone have the ability to prevent it from being kicked. So do you want this puppy to die, or do you not? The choice is yours.

Why must there be so much tension and hatred between phone companies? Can we all unite? And why must we  discriminate based on our phone companies? Is that not violating our first amendment rights as humans? The  freedom of  speech, religion, expression, press, petition, and text messaging? All of these phone countries are shitting on America.

Fuck it. If there’s anything I’ve learned in this world, it’s that you have to do everything yourself. As usual… I am taking a stand. I am creating my own phone company.

I thought the centaur was a nice touch.

My phone company will save lives. I promise I will never text you back telling you what to do. In fact, my phone company will randomly text you throughout the day sending you encouraging text messages like:

“You are a pocketful of sunshine”

“Wow, somebody must have been to the gym lately!”

“Don’t worry, you’re not as ugly as you think you are. But it’s still not good.”

Wonderful messages like that. And of course, if you’re really lucky, you could receive the ultimate compliment. It far and away the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me:

“You are more lovable than a newborn child.”

But don’t expect that. It’s only for extra special people. Like me. Use your heads, people. There’s only one way to go. And it’s the Weingrad way. Until next time.

The Smartcup: The Newest Form of Communication

Greetings everybody. I hope y’all had a wonderful Christmas. I’m sure nobody checked this site today… and if you did, I’m sorry your Christmas was so shitty. My Christmas was enjoyable. Thanks for asking.

I have a question. How many of you got “smart phones” for Christmas? Why are they called this? Do they possess more intelligence than normal phones? What exactly do you need them for? Do you really need a projector on your phone? Why am I asking so many questions?

I need my phone for two things: Calling and texting. That’s all. Yea a camera is nice too, but is certainly not necessity. And do you really need to access facebook from your phone? God forbid you have to wait an hour until you get home  to post a status that nobody needed to know, anyway! I’m almost scared to know what phones are going to be capable of in a year from now. Technology is improving rapidly, and it’s only making everybody dumber.

I say let’s abandon cell phones. Let’s go back to one of the older ways to communicate.

I am officially bringing those back. That’s right, as we speak I am throwing away my cell phone. From now on, if you need to reach me you call me by cup. No calling, no texting, just… Cup. I urge you all to do the same.

In fact, I’m gonna make it so my cup can do everything that a “smart phone” can. I’ll call it the “Smart Cup.”

(click on the cup for a larger view)

There, now my cup can do everything that your smartphone does. AND it even gives you the winning lottery numbers every day. I blacked them out in the picture of course, because you gotta own one to know it. So if you want one, they are currently selling at the Weingrad Store in your local mall. Or… just make one yourself. Since you just need a cup and some string.

Oh and if you get thirsty, the cup is also a convenient thing to use for obvious reasons. Because you could use it CALL SOMEBODY and ask them to bring you a drink! Brilliant, right?!

So folks, do the right thing. Abandon your smartphones and embrace THE CUP. And look for the Smartcup 2.0 to hit stores in late January. It will have the ability to kill people. Good night!

A Cover Letter To Santa

Dear Mr. Kringle,

Hello, my name is David Weingrad. I recently graduated from SUNY Binghamton this past May, where I majored in English literature. Over the course of those four years, I spent my time studying diligently and working hard to craft my abilities not only as a student, but as a person. Without a doubt, I left SUNY Binghamton as an educated, determined man who was ready to begin his career.

However, as I’m sure you’re aware of, our country just happens to be in an economic crisis. Times are indeed rough, and it is very difficult to locate any type of steady work. I have contacted many different organizations looking for employment, and have been shut down many times. This is why I am writing to you on this day, Mr. Kringle. I have conducted an endless amount of research, and I have come to one single, conclusion.

I want to be an elf.

That’s right. There are thousands among thousands of occupations in this world: doctor, lawyer, policeman, contractor, teacher, chef, pimp, tennis ball boy, zamboni driver, trapeze artist, fire eater, hit man, cowboy, mime, pirate, the people that get shot out of cannons, among others. I could do ALL of those jobs. Every single one. Believe me, I’ve tried. However, they do not appeal to me and they are certainly not what I want to do for a living. There is one thing and one thing only that I want to do for the remainder of my life, and that is be an elf.

Why do I want to do this, you ask? What led to my unique decision to choose this profession? Well, it was a movie. A movie starring Will Ferrell. A movie that takes place in a cold climate. A movie that we all love to watch every Christmas. I don’t think I even need to name the title of the movie, since you all know exactly what movie I am referring to…

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Obviously. Just the determination that Will Ferrell has in this film to do exactly what he wants to do…. It’s truly inspiring. And it has inspired me to pursue my life dream of becoming an elf. Will Ferrell has done some quality films, but I can not think of one more relatable to this particular blog than Blades of Glory. So, Mr. Kringle. I urge you to consider my request for elfdom. Here are the reasons why I think I would be a fantastic elf:

1) I believe in you! As a child, we are all raised to believe in Santa Claus. However, as we grow older and hit our teenage years, most kids stop believing. They think it becomes “lame” to believe in fairy tales such as Santa or the tooth fairy (who I would love to meet some day by the way… do you know her?) They also think it’s unrealistic to believe that a single man can fly to every house on one single night in a sled driven by reindeers. But me, I do not question things. I just simply believe. I don’t care about the logistics… I alone know what you are capable of! Even though I have never seen you, I still know you are real. I don’t know how you managed to deliver my presents when I camped out on my roof on Christmas Eve in 1999, but you still managed to do it and elude being seen… amazing! You truly are magical!

2) I am very friendly. I get along very well with nearly everybody I meet, and a very trustworthy and loyal person. I think I have the optimism and positive attitude that is necessary for elves. I would have no problem getting along with the other elves. I also love to smile and laugh. Are these not the perfect attributes that one needs to be an elf?

3) I love toys. K’nex, hot wheels, legos, board games, gak… you name it. I love it all. Your workshop would be ideal for me and I would be the happiest man on earth if you allowed me inside your special home. I can’t think of a better place to live. Except Hogwarts.

4) I do not require compensation. You can not place a monetary value on being an elf. The only thing I want to be paid in is happiness, warmth, and love. That’s all I need. Well, that, and maybe a couple late-night visits from Mrs. Claus! You know what I mean? Eh? No? Alright, I apologize for that. I was… um, Just kidding.

5) I am willing to relocate. I checked all major airports, trains, subways and buses, and cannot seem to find a direct route to the North Pole from my home in Long Island. I’ve also tried breaking into the reindeer exhibit at my local zoo, but for some reason security always stops me before I could fly away. And now, there’s a court order in place that bans me from coming within 200 yards of any zoo. So, that’s out. I’m looking on a map here, and I see I could just drive all the way north, and then maybe swim it? I’ll assume that’s the best way until I hear otherwise.

So those are the reasons why I think I would be a great elf. All I’m asking is for an entry-level elf position at the moment. I know you run things very tight-knit, so I do not mind starting at the bottom and working my way up. I also Lack experience as an elf. I have never worked in a toy store, and have never even created a toy before. But I am fast-learner, and am able to multi-task. Just the other day I closed the blinds on both of the windows in my room…. AT THE SAME TIME.

I know that I am not an actual elf. I’m a bit taller than them, and I lack pointy ears. However, though I do not meet up to elf-standards appearance wise, I assure you that I am an elf at heart. I really want this, Santa. Please make me the happiest kid in the world and allow me to become an elf. Please Mr. Claus, I don’t want to work at the Gap! Don’t make me suffer.

Enclosed is my resume and a mixed tape of classic holiday songs that I recorded in my own voice. I figure it would be nice to listen to some tunes while you fly across the country tonight. Good luck with that by the way. I will leave the standard milk and cookies out for you, and I promise I will not set a bear trap in my fireplace like I did last year. I hope you got my letter about that this past January, explaining that it was done with good intentions, and that I just simply wanted to catch you so that I could finally meet you.

You can contact me at my home address, my email address, or by cell phone. I hope we can arrange in an interview so that we could discuss this further.  And of course… Merry Christmas Santa!

P.S. I’m Jewish… does that matter?

Sincerely,

David S. Weingrad.

A Not-So-Far-Fetched Holiday Proposal

Happy Christmas Eve Eve Eve everyone! Just about now everybody is either getting a break from work or getting back home from school to rejoin their friends and families for the holidays, which is never a bad thing.

So, I think I’ll keep to the Christmas-themed blog posts. Christmas is arguably one of the most celebrated holidays in the world. Everyone loves Christmas. If you don’t you’re evil. Or Jewish. Same thing. Christmas celebrates the birth of one of the most famous men to ever live. Somebody that everybody prays to, and confides all of their secrets to. Somebody that even the least religious people turn to during their most desperate situations. I’m referring to this man:

I’d like to take this time to compare Jesus to another great man. Me.

That’s right, you’ve heard it here first. Jesus has been dead for over 2,000 years now, get over it! This world needs a new messiah. Since no one else is stepping up to the plate, I nominate… myself. That’s right people, I’m going where no blogger has ever gone before. On this day, I am beginning the new movement to declare myself, David Samuel Weingrad…. As the new Jesus.

Alright, I know it might sound a LITTLE far-fetched at first. Just a little. But think about it.  Stop what you’re doing, and ponder. Jesus and I have a lot in common…

For one thing, we’re both Jewish. Kinda. We both have a lot followers. We both have an interest in carpentry. I’m sure if Jesus were alive we’d listen to the same music. But now let’s talk about the things I could do that Jesus wasn’t good at.

I’m really good at ping-pong. I’d like to see Jesus return my awesome serve. Pshhh no way. I’m also really fast. There’s no way Jesus could run fast in that cloak he wears. Just not practical. And here’s the main appeal:

I’m alive! Why are we so reliant on somebody that’s dead? I mean, what good can they do for you? If you need something done, just shoot me an email. I’ll be on it like white on rice. Where’s Jesus’ email address? Huh? Answer me that. Where’s his blog? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

I am capable of doing great things. I’m magical. So from now on, when you all pray at night. Pray to ME. And then email me after what you say, because otherwise I won’t know. That’s right people, if you elect me the new Jesus… I will make this world a better place. In fact, I propose that the year 1986 be deemed the last year of our modern calendar. 1986 BW. Before Weingrad. 1987 is officially Year 1. That would make this now year 22. So I guess that would also make anyone older than me the same age as me. I’m not exactly sure how that works. But I’ll figure it out. This is all still a work-in-progress.

Just give me one good reason why I shouldn’t be the new Jesus. Because I certainly can’t think of one. And so begins the “Weingrad For Jesus” campaign.

That’s our official campaign t-shirt. If you want one just send me a check for $19.99 and I’ll get it to you pronto. The ping-pong paddles are there as a symbol of everything I can do that Jesus can not. The revolution begins today!!!!

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So anyway, I told y’all yesterday I’d let you know how Inglourious Basterds is. It was excellent. I was skeptical about it for some reason. Thought people would overrate it because it’s Tarantino, but it was worth all the praise. Obviously not as good as Pulp Fiction, but still one of the better films of ’09. It’s a very violent movie, which was expected. But the way they go about the violence is just so funny. Great script and great acting all around. My kudos to Mr. Tarantino. It gains the Weingrad seal of approval.

Oh and people, give Jimmy Fallon a break. He’s doing his best out there! I know the sonofabitch didn’t give me a high-five when I attended his show over the summer (the bastard), but his show is alright. He’s doing his own thing. He can NEVER replace Conan. But that’s not what he’s trying to do. Give the man some credit. His monologues may be awful, but the show as a whole ain’t half bad.

Oh and apparently if you’re going through alcohol withdrawal you dream about snakes.  Some weirdo told me that.  I kid. But apparently it’s true. So for all you future alcies out there, that’s how you know that you should probably cut back.

Alright my peeps, I think that is all for today. I love you all. I’ll leave you all with a video of one of the best commercials ever to grace television:

don’t you DARE tell me that your day didn’t just improve even a slight bit after viewing that. don’t you dare.

4 Days til Christmas, 3 days til Christmas Eve, 2 Days til Wednesday and 5 minutes until you wish you didn’t waste your time reading this.

The elves are hard at work, Toys are being mass-produced somewhere in the north pole, and Santa is warming up his reindeer for his annual nightly-flight around the world. It could only mean one thing…

Christmas is upon us! While I admit, Christmas used to excite me much, much more when I was a child, there’s still plenty to love about this time of year.

Like Christmas music. Sure, there’s the classics like Silent Night, Jingle Bell Rock, and The Little Drummer Boy, but nothing will ever top:

Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays.

Haha but seriously, it didn’t apply for Nsync, but Christmas albums are usually the kiss of death for singers. There’s a lot of shitty Christmas albums out there. Like this one:

Yeah, that worked out well.

Or this one:

Not a singer, but yeah… another one currently sitting in the $1 bin at Wal-Mart

I think it’s time for somebody else to put out a Christmas album. One’s that’s actually good…

Coming Winter of ’10. Be on the lookout.

Christmas movies are also fun. Of course nothing tops A Christmas Story. Definitely a tradition of mine to watch that every Christmas eve. Did you know that all the snow in that movie isn’t real? It’s all fake. Look it up on the interweb if you don’t believe me. Miracle on 34th street is also a classic. It”s a Wonderful Life is very overrated. Nightmare Before Christmas is delightful, if that even counts. It covers two holidays… very clever.  One of my future goals is to create a romantic-comedy that combines Valentine’s day and Arbor Day. What even is Arbor day…. does any one actually know? Woah, tangent.

Also, just the general all-around holiday spirit. Love. Happiness. Faith. Family. All that crap.

Speaking of Christmas, check out this poem I wrote two years ago in a Creative Writing class I took. It’s called “Santa’s Revenge” and written in the perspective of Santa Claus:

It’s not an easy job
Delivering presents for a living
Christmas may be everyone’s favorite holiday
But mine will always be Thanksgiving
Flying to every house is impossible
In one single night
I’ve never told this to anyone
But I’ve always been afraid of heights
If I’m not getting stuck in a chimney
Then the fireplace is blocked…
Is it too much to ask
To leave the front door unlocked
Or maybe a window
Just leave it open a notch
I’m not going to steal anything
Unless I find a nice watch
And please leave me something good to drink
The night would go a lot quicker
If instead of leaving milk and cookies
You left some hard liquor
Don’t be surprised
If you wake up Christmas morning
To find your house empty
It means I stole all your belongings
It’ll be Santa’s revenge
And not a moment to soon
I’ll change my identity
And move to Cancun

Good, right? Of course it is. Alright, I’m tired. I’m gonna finish watching “Inglourious Basterds”. I’ll let you all know how it is tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll all be sitting on the edge of your seat in anticipation.

Oh, and one more thing. As a child, I don’t think I ever believed in Santa. But I believe in him now. Is that weird?

Random Sunday Night Thoughts

The term “FML”

People just love to complain. That’s a fact. They like to feel sorry for themselves and crave empathy. That’s always been the way of the world. But now, with the internet, it’s becoming more and more apparent how many people there are like this. I mean, I get how people have bad luck sometimes. Shit happens… it sucks. But it happens to everyone.

Then comes along the term “FML.” It’s become the new emo-anthem. And it’s just become ridiculously overused. Sure, “fmylife.com” was funny for like a day, but then it just became excessive. Just people whining about stupid things one after another. Like I said, there are definitely things that happen to people that warrant the term “FML,” but, I’ve seen things like this:

“Today I stepped in a puddle. FML”

Come on, people. Get real. There’s terminally ill people out there. Blind people. Handicapped people. People without food, shelter or family. You stepped in a goddamn puddle and you think your life sucks? Shut the hell up and appreciate what you have. Everyone has bad luck sometimes, it’s how you interpret it that matters. Is it a minor inconvenience in an otherwise fortunate, fulfilling life…. Or is it yet another unfavorable incident to add to the list of misery that ultimately proves that God personally hates you and wants you to suffer endlessly? Hopefully it’s the former. Again, come on people. God does not hate you and does not want you to suffer. Only I do.

I’m starting the official Anti-FML Movement. Who’s with me?!?

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Brittany Murphy died today. Very young. Very sad. Although she never quite became a big star, she was still in some noteworthy movies. We’ll all remember Clueless, obviously. Great movie, and the ultimate guilty-pleasure flick. If you don’t like Clueless you’re simply in denial. She was also in Don’t Say a Word (“I’ll Never Tell!”), Sin City, 8 Mile, and forgettable movies such as Uptown Girls, Little Black Book and Just Married.

But everything’s okay, because Ashton Kutcher released a statement on Twitter:

“2day the world lost a little piece of sunshine. My deepest condolences go out 2 Brittany’s family, her husband, & her amazing mother Sharon.”

Twitter, the traditional way to eulogize. I’m especially fond of the effort he put forth to actually write out all the words. Nothing screams ‘formal’ like the word ‘2day.’ Because everyone knows it’s more important to adhere to Twitter’s 140-character limit then to extend your most sincere thoughts into two separate posts.

It reminds me of President Jimmy Carter’s tweet when John Lennon died:

“omg we lost a gr8 man 2day. JL was 1 of my faves. Imagine = the shiznit. g2g”

Or Abraham Lincoln’s tweet when he freed the slaves:

“Hey twitterland, on this eventful day, I have freed the slaves. However, I think all the white people hate me now… especially in the south. FML”

But seriously, I really don’t mean to joke. She was way too young to die and will be remembered. RIP.

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Other random thoughts:

– Fuckin Jets, man. Like, what the hell? Can I just have one year… one freakin year where everything goes smoothly? How much must I suffer? Mets, Jets, Knicks…. ugh. Sometimes I don’t even know why I follow sports. It only causes heartbreak. And Jay Feely… really Jay, really? Like after you screwed up the second field goal, didn’t you realize that you probably shouldn’t do that again? I know one of them wasn’t your fault, but… you’re the kicker. Even I could kick a 19 yard field goal. For that, you earn my “Epic Fail of the Week Award”

– It’s been three days now, and I still can’t stop thinking about Avatar. If you didn’t heed my advice and see it this weekend, then make sure you get on that soon. If anything, it’s worth the price of admission for the 3d glasses alone. MAJOR chick magnet.

– If you have the chance, pick up this game:

It’s a 90’s trivia game. Totally not worth the price at all, and it has a horrible format. But it makes for a helluva Saturday-Night-And-Theres-A-Blizzard-So-There’s-Nothing-Else-To-Do-But-Stay-Inside-Get-Drunk-And-Read-Eachother-90s-trivia-Questions. It’s worth it for that alone.

– I discovered today that there is a Home Alone 4. Possibly the worst movie ever created. it’s supposed to take place after home Alone 2, and yet Kevin somehow became younger. It boggles the mind sometimes that these movies get made. I mean, somebody wrote the script, somebody approved the script, somebody paid for the movie, a studio allowed them to film it, somebody directed it, and people starred in it. That’s like… what…. 50 dumbasses? Unreal.

– Pic of the week:

credit: Kristyn Blanc

K I’m gonna go. I’ll talk to you later my peeps. Oh and I got married this weekend… there’s a certificate for proof. Feel free to send your congratulations via the comments section.