A Not-So-Far-Fetched Holiday Proposal

Happy Christmas Eve Eve Eve everyone! Just about now everybody is either getting a break from work or getting back home from school to rejoin their friends and families for the holidays, which is never a bad thing.

So, I think I’ll keep to the Christmas-themed blog posts. Christmas is arguably one of the most celebrated holidays in the world. Everyone loves Christmas. If you don’t you’re evil. Or Jewish. Same thing. Christmas celebrates the birth of one of the most famous men to ever live. Somebody that everybody prays to, and confides all of their secrets to. Somebody that even the least religious people turn to during their most desperate situations. I’m referring to this man:

I’d like to take this time to compare Jesus to another great man. Me.

That’s right, you’ve heard it here first. Jesus has been dead for over 2,000 years now, get over it! This world needs a new messiah. Since no one else is stepping up to the plate, I nominate… myself. That’s right people, I’m going where no blogger has ever gone before. On this day, I am beginning the new movement to declare myself, David Samuel Weingrad…. As the new Jesus.

Alright, I know it might sound a LITTLE far-fetched at first. Just a little. But think about it.  Stop what you’re doing, and ponder. Jesus and I have a lot in common…

For one thing, we’re both Jewish. Kinda. We both have a lot followers. We both have an interest in carpentry. I’m sure if Jesus were alive we’d listen to the same music. But now let’s talk about the things I could do that Jesus wasn’t good at.

I’m really good at ping-pong. I’d like to see Jesus return my awesome serve. Pshhh no way. I’m also really fast. There’s no way Jesus could run fast in that cloak he wears. Just not practical. And here’s the main appeal:

I’m alive! Why are we so reliant on somebody that’s dead? I mean, what good can they do for you? If you need something done, just shoot me an email. I’ll be on it like white on rice. Where’s Jesus’ email address? Huh? Answer me that. Where’s his blog? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

I am capable of doing great things. I’m magical. So from now on, when you all pray at night. Pray to ME. And then email me after what you say, because otherwise I won’t know. That’s right people, if you elect me the new Jesus… I will make this world a better place. In fact, I propose that the year 1986 be deemed the last year of our modern calendar. 1986 BW. Before Weingrad. 1987 is officially Year 1. That would make this now year 22. So I guess that would also make anyone older than me the same age as me. I’m not exactly sure how that works. But I’ll figure it out. This is all still a work-in-progress.

Just give me one good reason why I shouldn’t be the new Jesus. Because I certainly can’t think of one. And so begins the “Weingrad For Jesus” campaign.

That’s our official campaign t-shirt. If you want one just send me a check for $19.99 and I’ll get it to you pronto. The ping-pong paddles are there as a symbol of everything I can do that Jesus can not. The revolution begins today!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So anyway, I told y’all yesterday I’d let you know how Inglourious Basterds is. It was excellent. I was skeptical about it for some reason. Thought people would overrate it because it’s Tarantino, but it was worth all the praise. Obviously not as good as Pulp Fiction, but still one of the better films of ’09. It’s a very violent movie, which was expected. But the way they go about the violence is just so funny. Great script and great acting all around. My kudos to Mr. Tarantino. It gains the Weingrad seal of approval.

Oh and people, give Jimmy Fallon a break. He’s doing his best out there! I know the sonofabitch didn’t give me a high-five when I attended his show over the summer (the bastard), but his show is alright. He’s doing his own thing. He can NEVER replace Conan. But that’s not what he’s trying to do. Give the man some credit. His monologues may be awful, but the show as a whole ain’t half bad.

Oh and apparently if you’re going through alcohol withdrawal you dream about snakes.  Some weirdo told me that.  I kid. But apparently it’s true. So for all you future alcies out there, that’s how you know that you should probably cut back.

Alright my peeps, I think that is all for today. I love you all. I’ll leave you all with a video of one of the best commercials ever to grace television:

don’t you DARE tell me that your day didn’t just improve even a slight bit after viewing that. don’t you dare.

One thought on “A Not-So-Far-Fetched Holiday Proposal

  1. David Samuel WEINgrad? Are you absolutely positive you’re not Jewish?

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