Dear Mr. Kringle,
Hello, my name is David Weingrad. I recently graduated from SUNY Binghamton this past May, where I majored in English literature. Over the course of those four years, I spent my time studying diligently and working hard to craft my abilities not only as a student, but as a person. Without a doubt, I left SUNY Binghamton as an educated, determined man who was ready to begin his career.
However, as I’m sure you’re aware of, our country just happens to be in an economic crisis. Times are indeed rough, and it is very difficult to locate any type of steady work. I have contacted many different organizations looking for employment, and have been shut down many times. This is why I am writing to you on this day, Mr. Kringle. I have conducted an endless amount of research, and I have come to one single, conclusion.
I want to be an elf.
That’s right. There are thousands among thousands of occupations in this world: doctor, lawyer, policeman, contractor, teacher, chef, pimp, tennis ball boy, zamboni driver, trapeze artist, fire eater, hit man, cowboy, mime, pirate, the people that get shot out of cannons, among others. I could do ALL of those jobs. Every single one. Believe me, I’ve tried. However, they do not appeal to me and they are certainly not what I want to do for a living. There is one thing and one thing only that I want to do for the remainder of my life, and that is be an elf.
Why do I want to do this, you ask? What led to my unique decision to choose this profession? Well, it was a movie. A movie starring Will Ferrell. A movie that takes place in a cold climate. A movie that we all love to watch every Christmas. I don’t think I even need to name the title of the movie, since you all know exactly what movie I am referring to…
Obviously. Just the determination that Will Ferrell has in this film to do exactly what he wants to do…. It’s truly inspiring. And it has inspired me to pursue my life dream of becoming an elf. Will Ferrell has done some quality films, but I can not think of one more relatable to this particular blog than Blades of Glory. So, Mr. Kringle. I urge you to consider my request for elfdom. Here are the reasons why I think I would be a fantastic elf:
1) I believe in you! As a child, we are all raised to believe in Santa Claus. However, as we grow older and hit our teenage years, most kids stop believing. They think it becomes “lame” to believe in fairy tales such as Santa or the tooth fairy (who I would love to meet some day by the way… do you know her?) They also think it’s unrealistic to believe that a single man can fly to every house on one single night in a sled driven by reindeers. But me, I do not question things. I just simply believe. I don’t care about the logistics… I alone know what you are capable of! Even though I have never seen you, I still know you are real. I don’t know how you managed to deliver my presents when I camped out on my roof on Christmas Eve in 1999, but you still managed to do it and elude being seen… amazing! You truly are magical!
2) I am very friendly. I get along very well with nearly everybody I meet, and a very trustworthy and loyal person. I think I have the optimism and positive attitude that is necessary for elves. I would have no problem getting along with the other elves. I also love to smile and laugh. Are these not the perfect attributes that one needs to be an elf?
3) I love toys. K’nex, hot wheels, legos, board games, gak… you name it. I love it all. Your workshop would be ideal for me and I would be the happiest man on earth if you allowed me inside your special home. I can’t think of a better place to live. Except Hogwarts.
4) I do not require compensation. You can not place a monetary value on being an elf. The only thing I want to be paid in is happiness, warmth, and love. That’s all I need. Well, that, and maybe a couple late-night visits from Mrs. Claus! You know what I mean? Eh? No? Alright, I apologize for that. I was… um, Just kidding.
5) I am willing to relocate. I checked all major airports, trains, subways and buses, and cannot seem to find a direct route to the North Pole from my home in Long Island. I’ve also tried breaking into the reindeer exhibit at my local zoo, but for some reason security always stops me before I could fly away. And now, there’s a court order in place that bans me from coming within 200 yards of any zoo. So, that’s out. I’m looking on a map here, and I see I could just drive all the way north, and then maybe swim it? I’ll assume that’s the best way until I hear otherwise.
So those are the reasons why I think I would be a great elf. All I’m asking is for an entry-level elf position at the moment. I know you run things very tight-knit, so I do not mind starting at the bottom and working my way up. I also Lack experience as an elf. I have never worked in a toy store, and have never even created a toy before. But I am fast-learner, and am able to multi-task. Just the other day I closed the blinds on both of the windows in my room…. AT THE SAME TIME.
I know that I am not an actual elf. I’m a bit taller than them, and I lack pointy ears. However, though I do not meet up to elf-standards appearance wise, I assure you that I am an elf at heart. I really want this, Santa. Please make me the happiest kid in the world and allow me to become an elf. Please Mr. Claus, I don’t want to work at the Gap! Don’t make me suffer.
Enclosed is my resume and a mixed tape of classic holiday songs that I recorded in my own voice. I figure it would be nice to listen to some tunes while you fly across the country tonight. Good luck with that by the way. I will leave the standard milk and cookies out for you, and I promise I will not set a bear trap in my fireplace like I did last year. I hope you got my letter about that this past January, explaining that it was done with good intentions, and that I just simply wanted to catch you so that I could finally meet you.
You can contact me at my home address, my email address, or by cell phone. I hope we can arrange in an interview so that we could discuss this further. And of course… Merry Christmas Santa!
P.S. I’m Jewish… does that matter?
David S. Weingrad.