Dear AT&T, T-Mobile and any other provider that isn’t Verizon,
If you cut off another one of my text messages, I am gonna flip a shit. I’m sick and tired of sending an awesome, witty message, only to get an immediate reply from some bizarre phone number telling me that my message exceeded the character limit.
Don’t they know who I am?? Cutting off a text message from me is like spitting in god’s face. Every text message I send has great meaning. I’m not one of those douches that texts back “ok” when they receive a message, or other stupid messages that people send. I send funny thoughts, hilarious anecdotes, and urgent information. However, there is just one flaw. EVERY GODDAMN WORD HAS TO BE THERE FOR THE MESSAGE TO HAVE MEANING.
The end of the message is the punch line! Without the punch line, it’s just meaningless words. And I just look like an idiot for texting somebody an incomplete thought. There’s nothing worse than receiving the immediate reply-message giving you the bad news. Because then you have to text the person back explaining why you just texted them a message that stops mid-sentence.
Why must this happen. One day somebody is going to die because they were texted by somebody with a different provider. It’ll go something like this:
“You must listen to me. You are in grave danger. Don’t ask me why, and you must pay close attention to everything I say because time is running out. I know this sounds crazy but you have to believe me. Mortal danger is upon you. There is one way to survive and one way only. To accomplish this you must immediately”
And just like that. Because of the petty sonofabitches that work at the phone companies, somebody just died. THEIR BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS.
I swear to god if I get one more text message sent back to me, I’m going to kick a puppy.
That’s right. You see that puppy there, phone people? You alone have the ability to prevent it from being kicked. So do you want this puppy to die, or do you not? The choice is yours.
Why must there be so much tension and hatred between phone companies? Can we all unite? And why must we discriminate based on our phone companies? Is that not violating our first amendment rights as humans? The freedom of speech, religion, expression, press, petition, and text messaging? All of these phone countries are shitting on America.
Fuck it. If there’s anything I’ve learned in this world, it’s that you have to do everything yourself. As usual… I am taking a stand. I am creating my own phone company.
I thought the centaur was a nice touch.
My phone company will save lives. I promise I will never text you back telling you what to do. In fact, my phone company will randomly text you throughout the day sending you encouraging text messages like:
“You are a pocketful of sunshine”
“Wow, somebody must have been to the gym lately!”
“Don’t worry, you’re not as ugly as you think you are. But it’s still not good.”
Wonderful messages like that. And of course, if you’re really lucky, you could receive the ultimate compliment. It far and away the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me:
“You are more lovable than a newborn child.”
But don’t expect that. It’s only for extra special people. Like me. Use your heads, people. There’s only one way to go. And it’s the Weingrad way. Until next time.