RIP Dell Weingrad

Hello everyone! I apologize for the brief absence. My computer that I had all throughout my college years finally reached the end of its tether. It had been on the decline over the past several months, and it finally hit the hay. It was pronounced dead at 11:22 AM EST on the morning of December 27th. It went peacefully and without any pain. The ashes will be scattered at its birthplace at Best Buy and its will shall be read tomorrow.

Sadly, it will not live to see the new year. However, if any of us knew it like I did, it would ask us to not dwell on that sad fact. It would want us to celebrate its memory, and to remember all the happy times. It was survived by its wife of two years, and three children. It will certainly be missed.

While the autopsy has yet to be performed, I can confirm that the cause of death was… a virus.

Yup, a virus. Seriously, who crates a virus? who is that miserable that they sit in their basement and spend hours creating something that will only cause harm to other people. What purpose does it serve them? Also, they don’t even know who exactly they are affecting! To me, this is worse than terrorism. While horrible, at least those people have a cause. they have targets. they know whose lives they intend to make miserable. But these people that create viruses are not aware of that information. What the hell is the point? I think I speak for everyone when I say that anyone who has ever created a virus should follow these simple instructions:

1. stand up.

yes, I know this may be difficult. But clearly, you’ve been sitting at your computer for a long, long time. obviously you do not cleanse yourself, so that horrible thing you smell… is you. try opening up the blinds, that bright thing is called the sun. Oh and if you happen to see a human being that looks different from yourself, do not fret; it’s called a women.

2. walk into kitchen.

you may own your own apartment or even house, but most likely… you still live with your parents. So make sure they are not present while you enter the kitchen. Because this could get ugly.

3. grab butcher knife

I’m sure you own cutlery, so look for the knife that is the biggest and sharpest. The sharper the better. In fact, if you own an axe, grab that! Get creative.

4. insert into carotid artery

Now this may hurt a bit at first, but from then on it only gets better, believe me. I’m not speaking from experience, but… I just know. There may be a lot of blood, but that’s normal. So don’t be alarmed. Your breathing will now officially be obstructed, so expect that.

5. Die.

This is probably the most easiest instruction, because you don’t really have to do anything. Just let things play out as they may, and this part of the process will occur.

Congratulations, if you have followed those simple five steps, then you have just simple made this world a better place by killing yourself, you good-for-nothing-computer-virus-creating-motherfucker. Good riddance!

As for everyone else, you can now all thank me for ridding this world of evil computer hackers. That’s David Samuel Weingrad, saving the world… one blog at a time.

Super Weingrad! (whose one weakness is apparently a lack of right hand)

That’s all for tonight… I’m going away for a few days so unfortunately there will be no bloggetry for a few days. until then, peace and love. I will see you all in 2010!!

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