What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. No more.
To me, that is the single most profound quote in the history of our universe. It was uttered by none other than the Trinidadian singer Alexander Nestor Haddaway, better known by his stage name “Haddaway,” in his worldwide 1993 hit, ‘What is Love?’
What is love? Hollywood tries to force it down our throats in practically every movie. They try to tell us what it is. I can probably gather a million quotes from films that start with the sentence “love is…” or “I love you because…” Well, let me tell you something… it’s alllllll bullshit.
And I’m not even a disbeliever. I’m not saying that true love doesn’t exist. It just doesn’t exist in the way that people think it does. It’s so hard to find because for every good person there is out there, there are ten other shitty ones that are just waiting to stab you in the back. That’s why it is very easy to be skeptical.
Life is not a romantic comedy, no matter how many of them you see. We don’t all end up marrying Drew Barrymore or Jennifer Aniston, believe it or not. For most people, love is a figment of our imaginations. We want it to exist, and we pretend we love… but, sometimes it’s more coexisting than it is love.
I’m genuinely confused as to what it is. Does love have to be returned for it to be considered love? If you tell someone you love them, yet they don’t love you back… then what is that? Does love have to go both ways? I love the Mets, but they don’t give a shit about me. In fact, I’m convinced they hate their fans. Why else would they make us endure everything that we’ve gone through?
To get to the bottom of this, I decided to interview the authority on love. Who better to ask about the meaning of love… then Cupid, himself?
Me: Hey, Cupid. Is it alright if I call you Cupid?
Cupid: Actually, I’d prefer Dr. Cupid.
Me: Nah, I’m not going to call you that.
Me: Alright, Cupid, I want you to explain to me once and for all… what is love?
Cupid: it’s the greatest thing ever. It’s when you meet that person, and you just know, you just know that they are the one. Know that they’re the one you want to spend every minute of your life with. They’re the first person you think about when you wake up in the morning, and the last person you think about before you go to bed at night. Upon meeting them, you realize that every moment in your life before that was meaningless, and that now that you’ve found this person, you feel like richest person in the world… even if you don’t have a cent to your name. They’re your best friend… and also your lover.
Me: And you really believe all that?
Cupid: Oh yes. Very much so.
Me: Sounds wayyy too sappy.
Cupid: Love is not sappy. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world! True love is rare, but when it happens, there’s nothing better!
Me: What about winning a million dollars?
Cupid: Money is very superficial. You can buy material possessions, but you can’t by happiness… and certainly not love!
Me: I can buy love if I want.
Cupid: No, you can’t. It’s not possible.
Me: I can.
Cupid: No, I said you can’t! You simply can’t! It’s an abstract thing!
Me: Alright, relax Cupid… I was just fucking with you. I know I can’t buy love.
Cupid: Very funny.
Me: Alright, I see what you’re saying, I guess. But if true love exists, why do so many marriages end in divorce?
Cupid: I get that question a lot. It’s simply because people think they have found love… when they truly haven’t yet. Love can be temporary sometimes. That’s why it’s not true love.
Me: So, let me get this straight. There’s temporary love, then there’s true love?
Cupid: Also normal love.
Me: What’s that?
Cupid: People that stay married despite never experiencing true love.
Me: Okay, now that’s bullshit. There’s either love, or there isn’t love. Not three kinds of love.
Cupid: The point, you can’t rush love. It’s like the movie “Fools Rush In” with Matthew Perry and Selma Hayek. I’ve never actually seen it, but I feel like it would apply here,
Me: You’re really not doing a good job selling me on love.
Cupid: I don’t have to. You’ll just know that love exists when you feel it.
Me: And what if I don’t feel it?
Cupid: You will!
Me: Buuuuut what if I don’t?
Cupid: Impossible. Everybody experiences love at some point!
Me: Have you?
Cupid: Well, that’s not an option for me because I –
Me: Wait a goddamn minute. You’re supposed to be the God of Love, yet you’ve never actually experienced love? Come to think of it… I’ve never even seen you with a girl before? You’re always alone!
Cupid: Well, it’s my job to ensure-
Me: Cut that crap. Have you ever been in love?
Cupid: I… I –
Cupid! Alright! Alright, I haven’t! Okay! I’m a goddamn flying baby! I wear diapers for Christ sake! Who would ever love me?!?! I’m hideous!
Me: So you’ve never been in love, yet you try to make others believe it. That’s pretty freaking hypocritical if you ask me.
Cupid: *starts to cry* I know! I’m a fraud!
Me: Cupid, I want you to be honest here. Does. Love. Exist?
Cupid: I… I don’t know.
Me: Does love exist?
Cupid: it could…
Me: one more time, Cupid. Does love exist?
Cupid: *breaks down completely* No! Alright, you happy now? There’s no such thing! It’s made-up… a fairy tale! Invented by the Gods so that people could actually be happy. They think they’re in love… but it isn’t real. It’s impossible to be infatuated with just one person; eventually we will all betray one another! It’s an endless cycle of deceit!
Me: And there you have it everyone. Cupid, the god of love himself, admitting that there is no such thing as love.
Cupid: You’re evil! What do you want me to say next, that Santa isn’t real?
Me: What? Santa isn’t real?!?!
Cupid: You believe in Santa but not love? What is wrong with you?
Me: You just ruined Christmas for me you bastard! *strangles Cupid, he tries to fight back but I pin him down to the ground* Say mercy! Say it! Say it!
Cupid: Mercy! Mercy!
Me: *lets go of Cupid* No wonder girls don’t like you, Cupid. You need to hit the gym, man.
Cupid: I used to have a six-pack, but once I realized that I’m going to die alone I just started eating too much chocolate.
Me: I hear ya, bro. So what are your arrows for then? If love isn’t real, what do they do?
Cupid: Kill people.