Mrs. Groundhog: Wake, up sleepyhead!
Mr. Groundhog: Arrrgghh… five more minutes!
Mrs. Groundhog: Absolutely not. You have a long day ahead of you!
Mr. Groundhog: How? I’m a groundhog. All I do is sleep and eat. What can I possibly have to do today?
Mrs. Groundhog: …do you know what today’s date is?
Mr. Groundhog: How should I know? It’s winter… that’s all that matters. Now let me hibernate.
Mrs. Groundhog: it’s February 2nd.
Mr. Groundhog: *immediately bolts upright* What the fuck did you just say?
Mrs. Groundhog: Today is the 2nd of February.
Mr. Groundhog: Mother. Fucker.
Mrs. Groundhog: Watch your language!
Mr. Groundhog: Already?!?! I feel like we just had Groundhog day!
Mrs. Groundhog: Nope! It’s been a full year.
Mr. Groundhog: fuckin’ fuck! Gotta be kidding me. Stupid goddamn humans and their traditions. Do they actually think that whether I see my shadow or not will determine how long winter goes on for? Seriously, that’s retarded! How in the world did they possibly become the superior beings?! If they didn’t have those opposable thumbs, they’d be our slaves!
Mrs. Groundhog: Somebody’s grumpy this morning! Just get it over with, and before you know it… it’ll be over. Now what would you like for breakfast? Some oatmeal? French Toast?
Mr. Groundhog: Give me some speed.
Mrs. Groundhog: No! No. No. No. You said you quit!
Mr. Groundhog: Relax, relax… I did. I was just kidding.
Mrs. Groundhog: No breakfast for you! You’ll just have to face those humans on an empty stomach!
Mr. Groundhog: What’s with the attitude? Is it your time of the month or something?
*Mrs. Groundhog ignores him*
Mr. Groundhog: Alright, alright… I’m sorry. But yeah, let me get this over with. Thank God those dumb humans don’t understand us and all they here is a loud squeaking noise when we talk, because I’m really gonna give them a piece of my mind.
*Mr. Groundhog walks towards the end of his burrow, takes a deep breath, and leaves his hole. Immediately, he is swarmed by photographers, news reporters, and many other members of the press.*
Mr. Groundhog: Holy shit! They really went all out this year! Must be because of the economy… now they’ll milk any cheerful event that they can. I knew a black president would never work! Do you see any black groundhogs around? Of course not… then the entire animal kingdom would go to shit.
News Reporter: Everybody waits anxiously as to whether Punxsutawney Phil will see his shadow this year…
Mr. Groundhog: There’s that stupid goddamn name again! Why do they insist on giving me some type of name. “Punxsutawney Phil?” They couldn’t at least give me something that sounded cooler… like Razor? Or Rocket?
News Reporter: In recent past, the groundhog has seen his shadow, which has been the reason for our long winters!
Mr. Groundhog: No, excessive formation of crystalline water ice within the Earth’s atmosphere has caused the long winters… not a fucking groundhog seeing his shadow. Again… retarded. Just look at these morons, all staring at me with their stupid faces. Man, I just want to punch all of them right in the jaw. And I’ve only pretended to see my shadow just because I want you all to be miserable and think that you will have long winters.
News Reporter: Phil is being extra squeaky this year!
Mr. Groundhog: Yeah, because you’re all invading my fucking privacy! How would you like it if I brought a bunch of groundhogs to your house and watched you in the morning? It’s freakin annoying! Here you can quote me on this: Squak squeak squeak… fuck you!
News Reporter: Aww, look at him… so cute! It’s almost like he’s trying to tell me something!
Mr. Groundhog: Alright, let’s get this over with. Just gotta look down towards my shadow, then run back into my burrow. Then I won’t have to deal with these assholes for another full year…
News Reporter: Ooh, it looks like he’s about to do something! It’s the moment of truth…
Mr. Groundhog: Wait a minute… I just thought of something… what if I fuck with them this year? They think there’s only two options, that we’re so retarded that we’ll only do two things: either I’ll see my shadow and become scared – and yeah, like my fucking shadow would scare me… I could kick all their asses if I wasn’t so damn lazy – OR, I pretend not to notice my shadow. BUT… what if I did something different this year? How would they react to that…? Ha Ha… let’s see…
News Reporter: And… and… oh my god! It appears that the groundhog is… is… doing the macarena! The groundhog is actually performing the dance to the Macarena! I don’t believe it! This is history that we’re witnessing folks! The Groundhog has neither saw OR ignored his shadow… he’s performing a dance! Who knew that groundhogs were so graceful! And what does this mean for our nation’s weather?!
ONE HOUR LATER:
Katie Couric: this is Katie Couric, reporting for CBS evening news. Everybody’s talking about what happened one hour ago… when Punxsutawney Phil arose from his burrow to perform the macarena. This leaves us with very little idea as to what will happen to our nation’s weather. To help solve the riddle, we have brought in our expert meteorologist, Tom Sanders. Tom… you’re the expert… what do you make of this?
Tom: Katie… this is just amazing. I’ve been conducting endless research for the past hour, I’ve consulted my fellow colleagues in meterology, and I’ve browsed weather reports for the upcoming month. I believe the groundhog was trying to tell us something. This was no random act, but a sign from God. God was speaking to us through Punxsutawney Phil. What Punxsutawney Phil was trying to tell us about the weather by performing the macarena…. Is that the apocalypse is coming. Within weeks, the world will be destroyed by severe weather. Earthquakes, tornadoes, volcanoes, hurricanes… it’s the ONLY explanation. Why else would he act in such a manner?
Katie: My God… you heard it here first, America. The world is coming to an end. I recommend you spend what time we have left with your loved ones… and then just hope for the best. Good night.
30 MINUTES LATER:
Chinese Anchorman: *in chinese* This stunning footage comes from precisely one hour and thirty minutes ago from Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where this dance by the groundhog indicated to us that the world is soon coming to an end. America is already in full panic-mode, and soon enough, China, along with the rest of the world will follow. We are signing off the air now, good day everybody, and god bless.
German Anchorman: *in German* If you thought World War II was bad enough for us… America fucks us again. Their groundhog has single-handedly caused the end of the world, through this bizarre dance seen here. The end is coming folks… and this time, unlike World War II…. We will not recover.
Haitian Anchorman: …you have gotta be kidding me.
ANOTHER HOUR LATER:
Barrack Obama: I am sitting here, in the oval office, speaking to the American public for the last time. According to our nation’s experts, the actions today of Punxsutawney Phil were indicative of a coming apocalypse that will destroy our world as we know it. I never thought I would live to see the day… but the world is ending. Moments after I finish speaking, I will be retreating to my underground bunker. I truly hope that we can survive this. I am confident that we as people can make it through this, and once it’s over, we can begin to rebuild this country. The end may be near… but the results will only be a new beginning. Be safe everyone, and God Bless America. This your president, signing off.
*Mr. Groundhog finishes watching Obama speak from the television in his burrow*
Mr. Groundhog: … Wow. Humans, man…. Could they be any more stupid?