So Valentine’s Day is just five days away. Yayyyyyy! Whoop-dee-motherfucking-doo! What a made-up holiday. We have all officially been manipulated by Hallmark to believe that February the 14th has actual significance.
Who benefits from this day?? Single people hate it, because it reminds them that they are alone. Girls more than guys, naturally. As for people in relationships, Valentine’s Day is the worst nightmare for men. You are forced to spend a ton of money, and if you don’t… you’re an asshole. It’s probably the most egregious thing you can do to not acknowledge Valentine’s Day. If you’re gonna do that, you might as well just cheat on her with her best friend.
As for the girls in relationships, they are really the lone beneficiaries. But even then, they just start comparing with their other girl friends what they received for the holiday from their significant other, and then it becomes a competition. They’re never happy.
And what about those awkward couples, like when you’ve only been on like four dates? What is the protocol for that? What about a girl you’re just hooking up with? What about a girl you’re secretly in love with? Are you supposed to use the day to let them know how you feel? Yea, way to be original, jackass.
Valentine’s Day can cause A LOT of problems.
The biggest beneficiaries from this day, as I stated before, is Hallmark. Because whatever you get her, you have to get a goddamn card. Hallmark salivates whenever February is just around the corner, because they know a million saps are going to walk into their stores and pick up cards created with such little effort that a chimpanzee could have written them.
I could just see the meetings that take place at hallmark come Valentine’s Day…
Bob: Alright guys, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. It’s time to put on your thinking caps. We need some romantic lines, and the cornier the better. I want shit that girls will eat right up. Alright, whaddya got? Mitch… how about you?
Mitch: Umm… how about… ‘I Love you’
Bob: Brilliant, Mitch. Brilliant. You see guys, this is the stuff that girls go for. The simpler, the better. Amy… whatcha got for me?
Amy: Hmm… ‘I Love You… Deeply’
Bob: Nice work, Amy… I like where this is going! Who’s next? Larry, keep the good vibes going!
Larry: ‘Will You Be My Valentine?’
Bob: What?! What the fuck Larry… I’m not gay. And I’m married… so no, I won’t be your Valentine.
Larry: No no no… Bob, That’s my idea for the card. It’ll say ‘Will You Be My Valentine?’
Bob: Oh… right… of course. I knew that. Good, good. Was just testing you… who’s next?
Susie: ‘You – ‘
Bob: *Cuts her off* Fucking genius, Susie! Did you hear that folks?! There it is… that will be our number one best seller!
Susie: But I wasn’t finished…
Bob: But it’s perfect. It’s short, simple… and it tells all you need to know. “You!” What else do you need? I want 10,000 copies printed by 5:00 today. Alright, Spencer… you haven’t spoken in a while… what’s your idea?
Spencer: *stands up, clears his throat and talks in a detached voice while staring absentmindedly into the distance* “ My dearest Valentine… I would tell you that I love you, but the word ‘Love’ does not do justice in describing the way I feel about you. My heart leaps, my breath quickens, and my head lightens at the very thought of you. When I’m with you, all I can think about is that I am the only person in the world right now that is standing right beside you. And because of that simple fact, I consider myself the luckiest man in the entire world. I used to go about my days thinking that when I went to sleep at night I had accomplished so much. But until I met you, I realized that my life did not have any meaning. Now when I go to sleep, the last thing I think about before I fall asleep is you, and even when I dream… I still cannot escape you. I always thought I was happy, but the day that you walked into my life, I instantly realized that I never knew the true meaning of that word. Because I can never truly be happy unless I am with you. There are very few things that I am sure of in this world, but I have never been more sure of what I am currently feeling in my heart. You inspire me to be the best that I can possibly be, and I promise you that not a day will go by for the rest of eternity where I will not love you with all my heart and soul…
Bob: …What the fuck was that, Spencer?
Bob: It was horseshit! Biggest piece of crap I have ever heard! Get the hell out of here, you’re fired!
*Spencer walks out of the room*
Bob: Holy crap… that’s the kind of shit that will put us out of business! Wow… somebody, salvage this meeting, quickly!
Robert: How about… ‘Be mine.”
Bob: Thank god… I knew I could count on you, Robert. “Be mine!” How does your mind create these beautiful words?
Robert: It just happens.
Bob: Holy crap… what did you just say??
Robert: …it just happens?
Bob: And that’s it, folks. Our new catchphrase. “It… Just… Happens” Absolutely fan-fucking-tastic! Print that on the front page of our website. It’ll be the new Valentine’s Day slogan! Robert, you get a promotion!
Bob: Alright, everyone. Get back to work… we’re gonna make a fortune this Valentine’s Day! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha