Beerpong: the Great American Sport

Today I am going to talk about Beerpong. Why? Because I goddamn feel like it. It is the sport of champions. An amazing game. I don’t remember when I played my first game of beerpong, probably my senior year of high school, but whenever it was… I fell in love with it right away.

Now, beerpong is mainly a recreational game… obviously. I remember reading about an actual beerpong competition that is held every year, but that’s the only “competitive” beerpong I know of. Bars also have tournaments sometimes, but it’s all in good fun. When you play a game of pong, you’re supposed to have fun. The goal is to get wasted as you can, and if you win… great! There are no losers in beerpong.

Except with me.

I take beerpong seriously. Too seriously. If you’re not good, then get the fuck off the table… because I will embarrass you. I like to say that I am a talented beerpong player. Sure you may say that beerpong doesn’t take a lot of talent, but it does. It’s not easy throwing a ball into a cup from a certain distance, especially when there are fewer cups left and when you are inebriated. However, I feel that the drunker I get, the better I get. That’s basically my philosophy for everything. I socialize better when I’m drunk, I’m funnier when I’m drunk take tests better drunk, etc. if I was a doctor I’d make sure to shotgun a beer right before walking into the operating room.

I actually know people that detest beerpong. This pisses me off to no end. I understand if you’re not a big fan of beerpong and that you would just rather not play, but you still would play if asked… but to actually have a specific hatred for beerpong is ludicrous. It also tells me a lot about you. It means that you don’t hate beerpong, you hate the people that like beerpong. You used to go to parties when you were in school, and the table would be crowded by a bunch of people all having a good time, having fun, getting drunk, etc. You always wanted to play, but didn’t have the balls to walk over and include yourself. Either that or you just never had friends to play with. So that’s why you resent the sport. But you shouldn’t hate the game… you should hate yourself. Loser.

So, as I was saying, I take beerpong seriously. I expect to win every time I play. I expect to throw the ball into the cup every time it is my turn. And I always expect myself to hit the last shit. I never rely on my partner. I always assume I’ll have to hit all 10 cups and if my partner does anything than it’s a bonus.

If I lose, I am furious. I show good sportsmanship, of course, I’ll shake the hand of the people that beat me… but I will not be happy about it. I say “good game,” but in my head I am thinking “you’re fucking dead.”  I hate losing. Hate it.

Another complaint about beerpong is that you don’t drink enough during the game. Yeah, well, that’s because you never fucking win. If you roll off 5, 6, or 7 wins in a row.. you are undoubtedly going to be shitfaced. I can definitely attest to that. Also, if you wanna drink more while you’re playing, grab a fucking side beer then! Nobody is stopping you!

The thing that sucks about post-college life is that beerpong becomes more and more seldom. It’s a staple in the college atmosphere, but after that… you just don’t play it anymore. It really is a tragedy. However, there are still some magical nights where you’ll somebody bust out the shitty folding table, keystone lights and red solo cups. There’s no prettier sight. Oh, and bouncing is gay. Just don’t do it.

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