Obama’s New Healthcare Plan

I was just reading some of the finer points of Obama’s new healthcare plan. I know the majority of America has been waiting on baited breath as to what I have to say about it, and after heavily scrutinizing the plan, I gotta say… I think I am okay with it. Our country is in turmoil, and something had to be done. At least Obama is attempting something. Of course all the republicans are going to throw a hissy fit, but they would do that for anything Obama does.

Anyway, I am in favor of the new plan. Like I said, I read the entire thing, and there are a few points that I am particularly satisfied with. Here are few of them.

Section 6, Article 2: Anybody that enters a doctor’s office featuring a tape-up similar to Pauly D from Jersey Shore will receive free health care. I was a little baffled by this at first, but upon further thought I think it makes sense. Guidos live a very dangerous lifestyle… with all that time they spend tanning, they are very liable to get sun cancer. Or suffer from ill effects of radiation from all the time spent in tanning salons. It only stands to reason that they, more than anyone in this world, should receive free healthcare.

Section 9, Article 4: Anybody that can talk with a pirate accent can redeem full healthcare in exchange for 1/8 of their plunder. This is really a no-brainer. Can you think of anybody that lives a more difficult life than a pirate? Sailing the seven seas with nothing but the rest of their crew? They spend their time swabbing the decks, keeping lookout, and shooting cannonballs at other ships. Half of pirates are already missing body parts and have to disguise it with eye patches, peg-legs, hooks, etc. Plus, there is a gigantic scurvy epidemic among pirates. If anybody should receive free healthcare, it’s them. Considering how much buried treasure they find, I think 1/8 is a reasonable price.

Section 13, Article 5: People on Life Support must be able to tell at least six funny jokes and/or riddles in a day to continue treatment. This makes plenty of sense. What good do people on life-support serve? They’re wasting valuable electricity, only to be able to extend their life an extra few weeks. People spend thousands of dollars to keep their 97 year old grandma alive just so they could talk nonsense to them for a few weeks. Sure, there are plenty of movies that take place where the story is being told by the grandma/grandpa to their children while on their deathbed (Big Fish, Benajmin Button, Titanic… kinda). But that’s not real. Movies aren’t real… except 3 Ninjas, that’s real. So if you’re gonna waste valuable time and electricity, you might as well be funny. Six jokes must be told that are legitimately funny. There will be a judge present to determine that.

Section 16, Article 8: People that never get sick receive free health care. You should be rewarded by the fact that you never get sick. There way too many hypochondriacs out there that think they have every illness possible and spend their lives in and out of the hospital. Those are the people that ruin the system. Therefore, if you can prove that you’ve never been sick a day in your life, then you receive free health care. In fact, you should have to take a test to prove that you are physically incapable of becoming sick, like Bruce Willis in the movie Unbreakable. Then you receive free health care. And the majority of the government’s money should go towards this cause.

Section 20, Article 1: You must have at least one talent to even be eligible to receive health care. Let’s face it, if you’re not good at anything… you’re worthless to this world. So if you get sick, then it’s not really a big loss if you die. So you have to be good at least one thing… whether you’re good at a sport, cooking, math, singing, fire juggling, it doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, you have to prove it to a panel of judges that includes Emilio Estevez, Carson Daly, and the girl who played Julie “The Cat” Gaffney from Mighty Ducks. This is probably the most logical part of the healthcare plan.

So, when you focus on those five amendments to the plan, it is pretty hard to disagree with Obama’s new healthcare plan. I think that in time we will look back on this plan as the single thing that saved our country. Obama, I knew you could do it man.

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