By The Way

I just heard that song “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars for the first time while driving home today, and there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s going to become a mega-hit. Like one of the biggest hits in 2010. Just like how I predicted “Love the Way You Lie” By Eminem feat. Rihanna would become a hit.

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST

I Hate Mornings

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

There aren’t many things in this world that I truly hate. Except for one thing.

Terrorists, War, the Yankees, Lebron James, McDonalds commercials, People who dislike Lord of the Rings, computer viruses, Asian people, Satan and Gerard Butler all seem HEAVENLY when you compare them to one thing:

The morning alarm clock.

Beep. Beep. Beep. (that’s what alarm clocks still look like, right?)

Here’s my thought process in the morning:

7:57 am: I’m in a deep sleep, enjoying the lovely process of the REM cycle, carefree and lost in my dreams (and hopefully Leonardo DiCaprio is not invading them.)

7:58 am: I’m in some faraway land, fighting off an evil sorcerer and about to become a hero.

7:59 am: I’m about to have a three-way with Anne Hathaway and for some reason, Michelle Trachtenberg. Hey, I’m not complaining. We enter the bedroom, they begin to lift up their shirts and…

8:00 am: Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

I’m not in a faraway land anymore. I’m no longer rounding second base. I’m back in my bed, tired as hell, and hearing the worst sound that has ever been produced in the history of mankind.

Not only that, but I must walk across the room to mute the sound, and I cannot return to my bed. I must face the prospect that I have to spend the next eight hours at work. I need to do a service.

All I want to do is return to my faraway land. Even if it’s just one of those girls that are still there, I will take it. Anything but reality.

If anybody crosses my path this morning, I will take a butter knife, and stab them in the jugular.

That is how I feel every morning at 8:00 am. Nothing compares to the horror. Even water boarding seems like a tame experience in comparison. Anyone that’s ever spent a night at Guantanamo Bay would never complain if they were forced to wake up at 8:00 am via an alarm clock.

Although, to be fair, 5:00 pm is almost as equally awesome as 8:00 am is awful. Basically, having a full-time job is like having bipolar disorder.

Except… there is no cure.

The Butterfly Effect

Somewhere, on the distant coast of Somalia, a butterfly glides through the air. It buzzes harmoniously with the cool breeze, in search a flower to land on and rest its wings.

Finally, it locates a flower and begins its descent. However, moments before landing, something catches its eye. It is a snake, blending shrewdly into its grassy surface, slithering slowly around the flower.

The snake lunges, but the butterfly redirects its course just in time, flying back into the sky in search of another – more safer – flower to set camp.

The rapid change of course by the butterfly sends a ripple through the atmosphere, speeding up the wind’s velocity by the slightest of margins.

The effect of this breeze is exacerbated by the already darkening skies, which have long indicated that a storm is near.

The breeze hits the ocean shore, sending a wave into the Indian Ocean that immediately forces parents to call their children back onto the sand for safety.

The ominous clouds soar deeper into the ocean as a result of the amplified breeze. A boat, which had been sailing towards North America, surveys the clouds with fear.

The clouds begin to roar as heavy rains begin to fall, and the boat begins to rock violently with the strong waters. The men on the boat silently begin to pray.

Suddenly, the breeze stops, and a cloud comes to a halt directly over the boat; so perfectly its almost as if God placed it there himself.

In the blink of an eye, a magnificent bolt of lightning shoots from the cloud and strikes a man on the boat.

The impact is so fierce that the man falls overboard into the dangerous waters.

Unable to retrieve the man, the remaining crew watches as he plummets to his death. They too begin to wonder if they will ever see land again.

That man, had he survived his journey, would have landed on the shores of America within a month with the rest of his compadres in search of a better life. He would have lived a low-key, mostly unsuccessful existence for two and a half years.

And then, on a particularly gloomy Tuesday afternoon – fed up with his less than ideal lifestyle and failed expectations of a new life in America – he would have blown up a building and killed thousands of people.

The Butterfly Effect.

Change one thing, change everything. Do you believe it?

Can We Pretend That Airplanes in the Night Sky are Like Shooting Stars?

No, you can’t. So shut the hell up.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough of that song. I’ve also had enough of people quoting it in their facebook statuses.

We get it, you need a wish. ENOUGH.

The thing that pisses me off the most about the song is that the ‘Airplanes part 2” version of the song featuring Eminem is one million times better. Not a hundred times better, not a thousand times better… a million. Every time I hear the radio version I just get so annoyed and plug in my ipod to play the better version. Why isn’t that the popular one?!

And no, you can’t pretend that airplanes are shooting stars. But, let me make you aware of something: do you know what you can pretend are shooting stars?

How about ACTUAL shooting stars?

It’s not like they’re that uncommon. And even if they aren’t, What about a normal, non-shooting star? It looks more like a shooting star than an airplane does.

Here’s what a shooting star looks like:

Here’s what a normal star looks like:

Now here is what retards confuse for shooting stars:

DURRRRRRRR

Hey, I got a new song lyrics for you! It goes like this: (to the tune of “Airplanes”)

Can we pretend that people on this planet had half a brain? I can really use a drink right now, drink right now…

It’s just simply impractical to pretend that a star is an airplane. A star is a giant ball of ionized gas, while an airplane is a aluminum winged aircraft with wings and a jet engine.

But… but… they’re both in the sky! Wow, so are pelicans. Are they shooting stars also? Come on everyone, you’re better than that.

So as for the new job. Today, looking to impress, I woke up before 8am and got into the office at 9:15… to find practically no one there. So not only did I not impress anyone by showing up early, but I woke up much earlier than I needed to, and looked like an idiot. Lesson learned. The less you try to impress people, the better off you are. It’s like having no goals in life; that way, you can’t never not reach them.

Tomorrow is the last day for the person I’m replacing, so that means that soon enough I’ll be all on my own. However, I did attend a press conference for the Attorney General and hopeful gubernatorial (don’t worry… I only learned today what that word means; it’s the adjective pertaining to ‘governor’) candidate Andrew Cuomo as he promoted his plan to limit property taxes increases to no more than 2% or the rate of inflation, whichever is lower (and again, don’t worry, I don’t know what that means either.)

So basically, the pressure is on me now. I have to prove to management that they made a good decision in deciding to hire me. So wish me good luck. Either by throwing a coin in a fountain or by four-leaf clover.

But, for the love of god, do NOT make a wish on a freaking airplane.

The Storm

At 8:30 AM this morning, my alarm went off. Precisely five hours earlier than I’d ideally like to wake up.

Immediately I jumped in the shower. If I had my way I would’ve stayed there for about four hours, but I knew I had to get a move on.

Although my new job allows for casual clothing, I put on dress pants and white button down shirt. Gotta dress to impress.

After a toasted bagel and a cup of coffee, I put on my cape, took off from my front lawn and flew to work.

Oh wait… that is how Superman gets to work. Rather, I got in my car and drove to work, abiding all seatbelt regulations and traffic laws. I am a great samaritan. But I did j-walk before, so let’s keep that between us.

All in all, it went just about as good as any first day could go. The atmosphere was pretty chill, the people were very nice, and I had an excellent mentor that helped me slowly ease my way into the working environment.

Shockingly, even after just getting six hours of sleep, I felt wide awake and perfectly functional when I arrived home.

And then 8:00 came, and I fell into full hibernation mode. Hey, no one ever said that it was gonna be easy.

It was definitely an overload of information, and there’s going to be a learning curve for sure, but I’m fairly confident that after a few weeks I will have it all down and that I will not find myself struggling to get all my tasks done.

I had an hour-long meeting with the editor in the middle of the day, and at one point he told me that the most important thing for me to do is to set goals for myself. Ask myself what I want to accomplish in the short term, and how this job can help me get there. I told him that I know what my goals are.

I want to be a God.

I want people to be blinded by the mere sight of me, and to weep when I pass them in the streets. I want a radiant glow to emit from my body with every step, and I want to be able to open doors simply by looking at them. I already thought I did that once, but then realized that it was an automatic door. I won’t make that mistake again.

In all seriousness, I am now officially a role model. I have proved that even lazy goofballs like me can get somewhere in life. Just because you have no ambition, no motivation, and would rather spend your day watching a six-hour marathon of Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel, does not mean you can’t also be successful.

Of course, I wouldn’t preemptively plan it that way. You still have to be skilled at something in order to achieve all that. Almost like a savant. You can be an idiot in everything else but as long as you’re talented at one thing – like playing the oboe (or any other instrument of the woodwind variety) – then there’s nothing that can stop you from taking over the world.

Just like I plan to do.

The Calm Before the Storm

The time has come.

Doomsday. The 25th hour. The Last Judgment. And…

The calm before the storm. On that note, it’s pretty appropriate that throughout the day it looked like it was going to downpour. Why so bleak, you ask? There’s only one answer for that:

I start work tomorrow.

I suppose I can’t really complain. For a solid fourteen months, I lived the dream. I worked as little as possible, scraped up just enough money to pay for my social life… and had plenty of fun.

And yet, I should have known; I’m just too good at what I do to not gain full-time employment. Tomorrow starts a new chapter of my life. I had a good run.

But at the end of the day… one must conform to society. No matter how long we try to cling to our childhood; no matter how long we pretend that we are still immature adolescents who just want to have fun… sooner or later you’ll come to the realization: The world is a bitch.

Not that I’m exactly dreading the fact that I begin work tomorrow. I was fortunate to get a job doing something that I enjoy. I’m excited to make some money, meet new people, and impress the world with my talents. The only thing I do dread is having to wake up at 8:00 AM. Yikes.

However, this should not be a time for sadness… but a time for celebration. These past fourteen months since I graduated have been wonderful. I accomplished as little as one possibly can in the span of a year, and my life has become that much better for it. But I need the new challenge.

I’d like to thank my parents, for never hassling me into seeking full-time employment. Without your eagerness to always give me money, and your questionable acceptance of me lounging around and doing nothing, none of this would have been possible.

I’d also like to thank my friends, for encouraging me to go out and drink every opportunity that they possibly could. Not that I needed much encouragement, but without you, I would have just been that weird guy that goes to bars by himself and gets drunk while rambling nonsensically to the bartender about the trials and tribulations of life. And no one likes that guy.

I’d like to thank every person that was involved with the production of every movie I’ve watched since I graduated. I lost count somewhere along the way, but I’ve probably watched somewhere around 200 movies over the past fourteen months. Is that something to brag about? You decide.

And lastly, I’d like to thank all of you guys for hanging with me as I accounted for every last detail along my adventures through life. I assure you, that while I may be a working man, the adventures will not cease. In fact, they will just get more adventurous. Without this blog, I would not be where I am today. Actually, I’d probably be sitting exactly where I am sitting right now, but I’d just be watching TV or something. But that’s not the point.

This blog has been one of the very few things that I’ve actually been consistent with in a very long time, and without all of you it would not have been the case. I now know that I can always find the time to accomplish things on a daily basis if I need to, and the fact that it’s kept me writing consistently has probably played a factor in my work. So, I thank you all once again.

I’d like to wrap up this particular post by saying a fortune cookie once told me very eloquently that “If you are happy, then you are successful.”

And that’s probably bullshit. But I thought it at least sounded cool.

The Funny, Quirky, Socially Awkward Guy

If you pay close attention to the movie industry, you tend to notice trends.

For example, vampires are big right now. Any script that gets passed along featuring a vampire will get a lot of attention. Because with the movies, it’s all about making money. So the big executives are trying to cash in on the vampire craze and push out as many vampire movies as they can until the fad dies out. And if you ask me, it can’t come soon enough.

Also, superhero movies. I feel like we are on the tail-end of that fad… Spiderman is the film that made them extremely popular again, and Iron and the Dark Knight have somewhat revived it… but trust me, they’re dying.

But you know what else is popular right now? I speak of a certain character. A character that appeals to the general audience because of their likability, their naturalness, and their ability to entertain.

I am speaking, of course, of:

The funny yet socially awkward, quirky guy that has trouble with girls.

Michael Cera, Jesse Eisenberg and Jay Baruchel have made a living off of this character.

And let’s face it, we are all guilty of liking them. What’s not to like? They’re funny, nice, good-intentioned… yet their awkwardness and lack of social skills gets them into all kinds of crazy hi-jinks and makes for some funny dialogue.

In other words, they are the lovable losers.

The lovable losers that have a crush on the popular girl, yet the popular girl doesn’t even know that they exist. But somehow, by the end of the film… they end up together.

Girls that usually look something like this:

I just realized that I distributed that perfectly as one blond, one redhead and one brunette. That was not intentional. But which is your preference? That might have to be a subject of a future blog. But that’s for another day.

It’s characters like that that make me think I can be in the movies. I’m quirky! I’m socially awkward! I… nah, nevermind… I’m too good at getting girls to play that character. Plus I lack curly hair. That’s integral.

Either way, it’s just a funny observation. Here is a normal dialogue that takes place in these type of movies:

Hot Girl: Hey!

Quirky Guy: [looks over shoulder] Hey… hi! I mean… are… are you talking to me?

Hot Girl: (smiling, revealing that she doesn’t judge people by appearance and letting us know that not only is she hot, but she’s a good person… and obviously she’s single) Yeah, of course. You dropped this! *hands him a pencil*

Quirky Guy: Oh, right! Yeah! Totally! That is indeed my pencil. Thank you… thank you so much!

Hot Girl: Don’t mention it… So are you a Star Wars fan?

Quirky Guy: What? Star Wars? Oh… no, not really. I mean, a little. Why do you ask?

Hot Girl: …it’s a Darth Vader pencil.

Quirky Guy: Right… yeah, that’s just… random. I don’t know. I mean I like the movies, but I’m not like a uber fanboy or anything! I don’t fantasize about Yoda or anything (closes his eyes and frowns in realization that he said something embarrassing]

Hot Girl: *Laughs* Well, I like Star Wars too. I’ll see you later! (Turns around and immediately starts talking to her friend, who is also hot)

Quirky Guy: (watching her walk away with deep longing) …bye!

(Quirky guy’s equally quirky friend who’s less self-conscious about his quirkiness approaches him)

Quirky Guy: (still staring at Hot Girl) I just talked to [Hot Girls’ name]. She handed me my pencil.

Quirky Guy’s friend: Wait… [Hot Girl’s name] actually touched that? Give it to me! (grabs pencil and smells it)

Quirky Guy: Please stop smelling my pencil.

END SCENE.

And that’s usually how it goes. The contact between the Quirky Guy and Hot Girl has been established, and they now have a connection to base any future contacts off for the rest of the movie. First the quirky guy will befriend the girl, then he’ll reveal his love in his own quirky way, and the girl will realize that at the end of the day, quirky and nice is the way to go.

Just like how it is in real life. Right? Maybe not.

Anyway, that’s my observation of those characters. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to go purchase a Darth Vader pencil. And make some moves.