The Storm

At 8:30 AM this morning, my alarm went off. Precisely five hours earlier than I’d ideally like to wake up.

Immediately I jumped in the shower. If I had my way I would’ve stayed there for about four hours, but I knew I had to get a move on.

Although my new job allows for casual clothing, I put on dress pants and white button down shirt. Gotta dress to impress.

After a toasted bagel and a cup of coffee, I put on my cape, took off from my front lawn and flew to work.

Oh wait… that is how Superman gets to work. Rather, I got in my car and drove to work, abiding all seatbelt regulations and traffic laws. I am a great samaritan. But I did j-walk before, so let’s keep that between us.

All in all, it went just about as good as any first day could go. The atmosphere was pretty chill, the people were very nice, and I had an excellent mentor that helped me slowly ease my way into the working environment.

Shockingly, even after just getting six hours of sleep, I felt wide awake and perfectly functional when I arrived home.

And then 8:00 came, and I fell into full hibernation mode. Hey, no one ever said that it was gonna be easy.

It was definitely an overload of information, and there’s going to be a learning curve for sure, but I’m fairly confident that after a few weeks I will have it all down and that I will not find myself struggling to get all my tasks done.

I had an hour-long meeting with the editor in the middle of the day, and at one point he told me that the most important thing for me to do is to set goals for myself. Ask myself what I want to accomplish in the short term, and how this job can help me get there. I told him that I know what my goals are.

I want to be a God.

I want people to be blinded by the mere sight of me, and to weep when I pass them in the streets. I want a radiant glow to emit from my body with every step, and I want to be able to open doors simply by looking at them. I already thought I did that once, but then realized that it was an automatic door. I won’t make that mistake again.

In all seriousness, I am now officially a role model. I have proved that even lazy goofballs like me can get somewhere in life. Just because you have no ambition, no motivation, and would rather spend your day watching a six-hour marathon of Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel, does not mean you can’t also be successful.

Of course, I wouldn’t preemptively plan it that way. You still have to be skilled at something in order to achieve all that. Almost like a savant. You can be an idiot in everything else but as long as you’re talented at one thing – like playing the oboe (or any other instrument of the woodwind variety) – then there’s nothing that can stop you from taking over the world.

Just like I plan to do.

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