It’s Always Sunny in Long Island

Except today. I don’t think the sun made an appearance all day today, actually.

It’s getting to be that time of the year. I love when I hear people still complaining about the weather. I hear people say “It’s late September… why is it still warm out?” or “I thought it was supposed to be Fall?” or my personal favorite: “Can the weather just be consistent, already?”

All of a sudden, everybody becomes a freaking meteorologist. You people do realize that we live in New York, and not Hawaii, right?

Soon, and I mean very soon, it will become cold. And it will stay cold. It will be so cold that the moment you leave your house in the morning you are going to begin crying over how freezing you are and wishing you were back in your warm, toasty bed. And then those tears will turn to ice before they even leave your face.

And it will only get colder… and colder… and colder. For a long time.

But, we’re not quite there yet. We’ve been given a treat by mother nature. We are entering October now, and somehow, it still is not cold yet. It’s not hot anymore, but it has still been very comfortable outside.

And yet, despite this gift, there are still people that want to complain. But let me hear those same people complaining when it’s negative two degrees out. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Is global warming at fault, here? Seventy degrees in October, tornadoes occurring all around us, meatballs falling from the sky. Wait, that last one may be from a movie. Oh no, wait, that really did happen.

Even if global warming is truly occurring, the major effects won’t be felt for at least another hundred years (if the world even lasts that long), and by then we’ll all be long gone. So who gives a shit?!

Oh, right. My bad, bro. Good luck with that.

Sooo, moving past that…

Justin Timberlake was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon the other night (that’s the second time I’ve mentioned JT in the last two days… that’s what you call a “gay-streak”), and him and Fallon did a pretty awesome duet (is that what you call it?) about the history of rap. Check it out:

I knew JT always had the goods, but I’m impressed that Fallon was able to keep up. The guy’s show really has improved, even though he still sucks with his comedic delivery during his monologues. Just listen to his monologue sometime, you won’t hear more crickets than the last time you went to a…  cricket… farm.

So they’re making a Smurfs movie that is set to come out in the summer of 2011. Somehow, I think this movie is going to be awesome.

Shut the fuck up smurf.

They Made a Movie about Facebook

It didn’t take very long either.

You’re probably all expecting an elongated, extensive diatribe not only  about how Facebook has had a completely destructive effect on today’s society, but about how it has officially reached an all-time low in the form of a full-length feature presentation.

Not quite.

I’m actually very excited to see this movie.

Almost overnight, Facebook became something huge. You can’t even put into words what happened, because it really was unprecedented. Usually when things become popular, it happens over the course of a few years. Facebook’s emergence seemingly happened in an instant.

Nor is it something that is simply just popular, or a fad; it has become it’s own universe. Mark Zuckerberg and his colleagues created another world. And it’s not going away any time soon.

Now I never read the book that the movie is based on, but supposedly there was a lot of lies and deceit involved in the creation of Facebook. And supposedly, Mark Zuckerberg is an asshole. A rich asshole, but an asshole nonetheless. The story goes that he created the website with a few of his friends, and then he essentially took all of the credit. I’m sure his buddies still got compensated nicely; even if you own just a 4% share of Facebook, you will become a very rich man.

Other reasons why I am excited for this movie are due to the people that are involved. It is directed by David Fincher, who is responsible for great films such as Se7en, Fight Club, the Game, Zodiac and the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It is written by Aaron Sorkin, the creater of the West Wing, as well as the writer of such movies as A Few Good Men and the American President. The guy also knows how write an entertaining script.

Lastly, it stars Jesse Eisenberg. Most people are only familiar with him from the film Zombieland, and due to the quirky, awkward way he acts in that movie he has gotten a reputation from people as being a “second-rate Michael Cera.” That is just flat-out ridiculous. If you’ve seen such movies as Adventureland or the Squid and the Whale, you’d see that Eisenberg is a much more talented and diverse actor than Cera, and possibly even one of the best young actors in Hollywood today.

Basically, this film has the recipe to be one of the better movies of the year. I just hope it could live up to it.

In their ignorance, people are saying that this is “a movie about Facebook.” That’s really not what it is at all. From what I have heard and read, it is a story about human nature. A story about what happens when you become overwhelmed by greed and power. But this one won’t result in a storybook ending where the main character learns his lesson. The result is what you see today. How could you not be interested in the process that brought us the most societal-altering network of all time?

The network that allows you to find out practically anything about anyone in a matter of seconds? Did we already forget that there was once a time – not too long ago – that we were not able to do that? That there was a time that when people were upset they just had to sit and mope in their room solely, instead of being able to notify the world of their dissatisfaction in some ambiguously obscure way?

Watching this movie will be almost like learning about how America was formed. Except in this case, we’re looking at what America has become.

Oh, and Justin Timberlake is in the movie! What else could you possibly ask for?!

Changing gears… has anybody heard that song on the radio “Like a G6?” What is that?

Is it supposed to be… music? I can’t believe that this is the shit that is on the radio now. I went through all my presets today while I was driving home from work, and 5/6 stations were in commercial (that’s annoying enough as it is and is a topic for another day), and the song that was playing on the other station was this one. I immediately switched back to the commercials.

I’d rather listen to the old America Online dial-up tone for five minutes than have to listen to that abomination. I can’t even imagine that a drug exists in this world that would make me listen to that song and actually enjoy it.

And if you actually do enjoy that song, please, I beg you… do not ever let me find that out. Because it will make me think of you in an entirely new way.

Before I depart, I need to point out that comedian Greg Giraldo died today. Supposedly he died of an “accidental overdose.” Many of you probably have never heard of him, but he is one of the better comedians that was out there today, and was really the only reason to watch those Comedy Central roasts they have on every couple of months.

It’s sad because he was an extremely funny guy, but never really reached his full potential. The world has lost a funny, funny man.

Unfortunately, he’s not the first comedian to die from a drug overdose, and probably will not be the last. RIP.

watch him during his last and final roast of David Hasselhoff which took place like a month ago. funny shit.

Be Careful What You Write…

Back in the day, if you lived in a tyrannical country run by a single dictator, there were a lot of things that you had to worry about.

Specifically, you had to worry about what you said.

You couldn’t go talking to your neighbor and be like “Shit, man, this sucks. I hate this country.” Because all it took was one single phone call by said neighbor to national security, and next thing you know, you’re standing on trial for betraying your country. The punishment: death.

But, thankfully, living in a free country means that we don’t have to worry about that. I can say whatever the hell I want. I can badmouth the government, talk shit about the president, and question any decisions that he makes.

Until now.

Federal law enforcement and national security officials are preparing to seek sweeping new regulations for the Internet, arguing that their ability to wiretap criminal and terrorism suspects is “going dark” as people increasingly communicate online instead of by telephone.

Essentially, officials want Congress to require all services that enable communications — including encrypted e-mail transmitters like BlackBerry, social networking Web sites like Facebook and software that allows direct “peer to peer” messaging like Skype — to be technically capable of complying if served with a wiretap order. The mandate would include being able to intercept and unscramble encrypted messages.

Well, that kind of sucks. So much for being a free country.

From now on, I urge everybody to be very careful with what they say over the internet. As a blogger, this is of great concern to me. What am I allowed to say now? If I can’t make extravagant, sinister  threats or overly racist and offensive remarks, then what is even the point?

Alright, I kid… but seriously, where do we draw the line?

This is like the first step of three steps to our government becoming a tyranny. First there’s this, and then it’ll be like “oh, yea I think we’re gonna start killing people for no reason” and then there’s the big  “ok you have no rights anymore.”

…I’m mostly joking around here. I’m not very politically opinionated, nor do I truly think our country is genuinely going in this direction. I’m sure they’re not going to target blogs that mostly involve made-up dialogues by fictional people and stories about how they got screwed out of winning a spelling bee in the fourth grade (I’m still fucking pissed about that – you should NOT have to specify capital ‘W’ when spelling Wednesday, goddammit!”). *cough*… so where was I?

Oh, right, they won’t target blogs… nor will they target text messages sent from blackberries with messages about how so-and-so said such-and-such about this person at the bar that one night. Or maybe they will… who knows, maybe Barrack is really into teen drama. Maybe that’s the whole reason why he’s doing this. He recently discovered just how much he loves Jersey Shore and Glee and The Real World, so he’s decided to set his sights on the biggest reality show there is: America!

I think I’ve discovered a new government conspiracy!

…or maybe not.

Either way,this is still something to store in the back of your mind. Along with your social security number and license plate number. Because it’s something that you don’t desperately need to know right off the top of your head, but something you should know if a situation ever arises when you are asked for it.

And in the meantime, don’t say anything stupid.

Bomb Explosion Kill Israel Middle East Iraq Bin Laden Terrorism Death War Iran Miley Cyrus Genocide Plane Crash.

Shit… what did I just do?

If you don’t hear from me by tomorrow, can somebody please alert my mother? She’d probably be interested to know that her youngest son is being held captive by the CIA.

K thanks.

The Definition of Irony

I just learned today what Segways are. They are a kind of scooter for adults that is supposedly going to “revolutionize personal transport.”

If you ask me, they look like those things that mall cops ride around on. Either way, whatever it is, it’s stupid. When I was made aware that such a thing existed I actually had to put my head in my palm and take a few moments to reflect on how stupid our world is.

But before I even could take any more time to further express my disbelief… this happened:

The millionaire owner of the Segway company Jimi Heselden has died after falling from a cliff while riding one of his firm’s motorized scooters.

That… sucks?

That’s like Steve Jobs somehow getting killed by an ipod. Or the Situation suffocating in a tanning bed. I kinda hope that happens.

I don’t even know what else really to say; it kind of speaks for itself. Perhaps this is God warning us all by saying: “Alright, I let you guys have Facebook. I kept my mouth shut when you assholes invented the ipad. Shit, I even let Jersey Shore slide. But, fuck, I am not going to let this goddamn planet become a mockery in the form of grown men riding scooters around.”

That’s right, even God says his own name in vain sometimes.

I refuse to believe this was a coincidence. I’m not saying this man was murdered, but there is clearly some divine intervention going on here.

Let me be clear; it’s never funny when somebody dies. But, you’d be hard-pressed to not admit that isn’t pretty freaking ironic. Even Alanis Morissette would attest to it.

You invent something, and then it is the cause of your death. Even Horace Smith and Daniel Wesson – arguably the two most famous gun inventors in history – both outlived this dude by more than ten years! THE GUN.

And let be even more clear; I’m not calling God a murderer here. He’s (or she… LOL JUST KIDDING) simply just depleting the world of stupidity. Kind of like a new-age survival of the fittest. Keep up the good work God. Pleaseletparishiltonbenextpleaseletparishiltonbenext.

Speaking of stupidity, this video is absolutely hysterical:

I lost count about midway through as to how many times the referee screwed up there. I can’t even imagine how much people have ragged on him the past two days because of that. And I guarantee that nothing funnier than this will occur throughout the remainder of the football season.

I don’t know about you, but I am dying to see this movie:

And I fully intend to by the end of the week. Animation? YUP. Adventure? YUP. Owls? YUPPP.

If I could use any three words to describe the perfect movie, I think it would be those. I may even go to the movie theater dressed as an owl.

Hopefully I won’t get my ass kicked.

How To Be a Shitty Journalist

Given my new job and all of the success and glory I have been receiving in result of it, I now consider myself the official ambassador for Merrick, New York (my hometown, which just so happens to be the town I report for. )  What exactly does this mean?

Well, nothing really. Nothing at all.

But, I consider it my own personal duty to defend Merrick whenever somebody attempts to badmouth it. Normally, Merrick is a very civil and well behaved area and needs no defending. But, in this business, you learn that there are some people out there that would do anything for a story.

Like this person:

This is an article from Vanity Fair magazine about Lindsay Lohan. Before you ask, no I do not make a habit of reading Vanity Fair magazine, I just happened to come across this on a google search…

Alright, fuck you, I read it every day.

Anyway, it’s not shocking that while most media outlets usually shit on Lindsay Lohan, Vanity Fair treats her like a goddess because she actually gave them an exclusive story and posed for a racy picture a couple years ago. Remember this:

As most of you probably know, Lindsay Lohan is originally from Merrick. The house she grew up in (where her mother and sister still currently live) is only like seven minutes away from me. Before you ask, no I do not make a habit of creepily standing outside of their house trying to catch a glimpse of the Lohans. It was just that one time…

Alright, fuck you, I do it every day.

Nevermind how much Lindsay Lohan screwed up her life with drugs, alcohol and numerous other bad decisions… that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I want to focus on this article. Somehow, this writer, Jessica Pilot, finds a way to blame Merrick for Lindsay Lohan’s demise.

Uh, what? Let’s dive right into it.

Actors and singers have been misbehaving since before the dawn of radio. Still, within the past few years, Lindsay Lohan has achieved a special notoriety—because the lens recording her movements is so much wider and the focus tighter than anything the tipsy, recklessly driving stars of the past could have encountered. “Celebrity is the mask that eats into the face,” John Updike once wrote. For Lindsay, this rings especially true.

But who was she before she put on the mask of celebrity? Was she always destined for clubs, limos, headlines, jail cells, and rehab group-therapy sessions, regardless of whether or not she was “frenemies” with Paris Hilton? To learn the real truth about Lindsay, it may help to go to the source—to her hometown of Merrick, New York, where some of her family still resides and locals knew her as a spirited, charismatic, and seemingly normal kid.

Woo! Awesome. A shout-out for Merrick! I wonder if the article is going to praise our wonderful little hamlet? And did she just say frenemies?

Merrick is a classic Long Island commuter town of about 23,000 people nestled halfway between Manhattan and the Hamptons. No one aspires to live in Merrick. Located on the South Shore of Long Island, the 5.2-square-mile hamlet is made up of mostly single-family tract homes, a cluster of stucco-and-shingled ranches, seven temples and six churches, and an array of strip malls colonized by national chains. The family-owned variety of uninviting local boutiques and beauty parlors, plus a diner, pubs, and a popular pizzeria, still remain—thanks to the Keep A-Merrick-A Beautiful Committee. However, it’s Merrick’s Long Island Rail Road station that is seemingly the town’s epicenter; according to a 1984 New York Times article, there are 1,078 parking spaces that are rarely vacant on a workday.

Wait, did she just say that nobody aspires to live in Merrick?

Excuse me?!

Before she even explains why, she immediately states that “fact.” It’s the good ole “be a bitch first, explain later” strategy.

Are you shitting me? Why the hell would nobody want to live here?

Oh, that’s right. Because we’re peaceful. And calm. And scenic. Our town doesn’t consist of drug addicts and prostitutes on street corners, or bar shootings, or giant buildings, so therefore, we’re not interesting.

How about the hard-working individuals that slave at a job for 20 years just so they could afford to be a homeowner in a beautiful suburban area so that they could raise their family and give their children the opportunities that they never had?

Nah, nobody aspires to do that, right Jessica Pilot? So let’s just aspire to be somebody like Lindsay Lohan instead, and do drugs all the time so we can get publicity. Because any pub is good pub, amirite?!

And just for good measure, let’s make a judgment based on statistics from 26 years ago. Splendid journalism right there.

It’s easy to see why Lindsay would want to escape Merrick. But the town is also where she may return at some point, once her current legal and medical issues are resolved. Why? Because they’re all still here, the entire Lohan clan: mother Dina (when she’s not partying with Lindsay in Los Angeles or hanging out in the Hamptons), grandmother Ann, and uncle Paul.

Again, you cannot just make a blanket statement like that and not explain why. Why is it “easy to see” why Lindsay Lohan would want to escape Merrick. I think this writer is just speaking for herself. “Ooh, it’s not a big city like the one I live in, so therefore it sucks.” What is she making all of these judgments on, anyway? A ten-minute drive past Lindsay Lohan’s goddamn house?!

Merrick aspires to be the kind of place that does not easily absorb a lot of drama. It was named after the Meroke Indian tribe formerly indigenous to the area. The name literally means “peaceful,” and this still rings true, somewhat. Merokians tend to respect their neighbors; privacy, at least on the surface, is the rule. Dina’s Colonial-style home, where Lindsay grew up, is just down the road from the Merrick Avenue Middle School. It’s one of the few homes in the area with an extended driveway, and it’s adorned with sage bushes and a gate, which seems designed to keep prying eyes away.

FUCKIN’ MERRICK! We don’t want any drama, so screw that place! Peaceful? What’s the Indian translation for “dangerous?” That’s what they should name the town if they want to be relevant! Ugh, and to think, we actually respect our neighbors. What a shitty, shitty, god-forsaken place. No wonder no one would want to live there! You’ve sold me, Jessica Pilot. Merrick is the worst. Nice job.

“[Merrick] is a good neighborhood to raise a family in,” a postman says while delivering mail to Dina Lohan’s home.

Yeah, the one person we’ll actually interview is the postman. Because he is the clear authority on all things Merrick. The postman that probably doesn’t even live in Merrick.

Let’s skip ahead a little…

Lindsay returned to Merrick for seventh grade after shooting that film, but her burgeoning celebrity seems, inevitably, to have set her apart from her schoolmates. “I remember her being almost in a conflicting denial about her fame during The Parent Trap,” says Jennifer, a former schoolmate of Lohan’s at Sanford H. Calhoun High School. (Jennifer doesn’t want to give her last name.) “I think it was really hard for her to feel normal around us because she was already making a name for herself while the rest of us were just kids—figuring it all out. She never really got to fuck up, or go through the normal stages of fucking up that we did … and when she did, it was almost like she could never look back. I don’t even think she went through an awkward stage. She was always this stage-ready kind of phenomenon and that really intimidated people, or at least it made me feel self-aware. Maybe it’s growing up with a mom as a manager.”

What the hell do you expect? If somebody stars in a mega-Hollywood film, they’re going to get a ton of attention wherever they live! This is NOT the reason why her life started going down the shitter. Bad parenting, bad friends, and lack of personal morals are to blame for that. Actually, screw that, it’s all Merrick’s fault.

Nicole, a childhood friend and neighbor of Lindsay’s, insists that “Lindsay was … no, is a real, down-to-earth person.” Distressed at the suggestion that her simple suburban childhood could have contributed to Lindsay’s troubles, Nicole says that the Lindsay she knows is “not anything but a gifted and humble girl from Merrick. It’s a really quiet town to grow up in—it’s not like L.A., where there’s this heavy partying and a whole lot to do. Everyone kind of knows everyone, and Lindsay was more embarrassed than conceited about her good fortune. I never felt shunned by her, personally.”

More Lindsay Lohan praising! This article is making me sick. Does Jessica Pilot think that her and Lindsay will become bff’s just by saying nice things about her? Hey Jessica, let me tell you something, Lindsay doesn’t give a shit about you! She loves me. Before you ask, I did just use the term ‘bff.’ I’ve never used it before though, I just thought it was appropriate in this context…

Alright, fuck you, I use that word every day.

Ann Sullivan, Lindsay’s grandmother, lives near the Lohan homestead but has remained comfortably out of the spotlight, save for a brief appearance on Dina’s short-lived 2008 reality show, Living Lohan. The surrounding houses feel startlingly upscale in contrast to Mrs. Sullivan’s supremely gloomy home, but she’s not home much anymore these days. Her single-level home sits on an unkempt mud-brown lawn, surrounded by a chain-link fence and decorated with a weathered basketball hoop, which is said to have been installed for her granddaughter. But if you happen to stop by, an elderly woman might poke her head out of the house next door to tell you what’s what.

“Ann’s son [Lindsay’s uncle Christopher J. Sullivan] passed away recently, her granddaughter is in rehab, and she’s a widow. I don’t think she knows what to think of this whole spectacle,” stammers the sympathetic neighbor. She says she would advise Lindsay to seek redemption by trading Hollywood for Gotham—or, better yet, for Merrick. “I think she needs to come back to Merrick,” says the neighbor. “We are very forgiving here.”

And that’s it. I still don’t really understand what the point of the article is. She starts out by dissing Merrick, and then ends by emphasizing Lindsay Lohan’s grandmother’s statement about how Lindsay should return to Merrick.

Did we learn anything from this article? Other than the fact that Vanity Fair has very low standards for their journalists? Did you expect anything else?

It’s amazing what blind generalizations and lazy, half-assed research can accomplish. Congratulations on an article that clearly showed that you had an agenda (insulting suburbia/sucking Lindsay Lohan’s theoretical cock) that which you gave absolutely no convincing evidence to support. I award you zero points, and may god have mercy on your soul.


Oh and before I go, happy belated birthday to Mr. Adam Handler, a devoted Weinblog™ fan.

Dancing With the Stars…

Whoever watches Dancing With the Stars seriously doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as everybody else.

I have absolutely no remorse when I say that. If I had a remote control that enables me to deprive air to the people who actually watch that show, I wouldn’t even think twice about it. I’d push the button, and then place down the remote and continue about my day as if nothing happened.

Why is this show appealing to people?

Shitty B and C list celebrities performing the Cha-Cha isn’t exactly something that tickles my fancy. Although the chicks that dance on the show are usually pretty attractive, so that’s the only thing that would ever catch my attention for more than a few seconds.

Just look at who is currently on the show right now: The Situation. Audrina Patridge from the Hills. Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin’s eldest daughter who’s already gotten knocked up.

And the saddest part is; those three contestants advanced past the first week. So not only did people actually watch the show, but they cared enough to dial 10 digits on their phone to place a vote for The Situation or Bristol Palin.

This is why our forefathers created the Electoral College System.

It was created because when our country became a Democracy, and the responsibility of choosing our leader was handed to the public, our forefathers didn’t think we were going to be able to make an educated decision. Because they believed that everyone was too stupid to do so.

And they were right. Still are.

How can you look at a show like Dancing With the Stars, America’s Got Talent, or American Idol and actually be like: “Oh, that’s a very intelligent show, I can see the merit.”

And people screw up the voting for those shows too. So how the hell can you expect them to make the right decision for  the leader of the free world?!

Speaking of American Idol, they announced the new judges today! Joining Randy Jackson will be the not-so-talented singer/actress Jennifer Lopez and the now-drugged-out-unintelligible legendary rock singer Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith.

Nothing screams “my career is over” and “I’ve officially lost all ambition to actually use whatever is left of my talent to achieve anything” like deciding to become a judge on reality TV. But, shit, that’s a pretty good ‘Back-Up Plan’ for J-Lo considering how much money she’ll make! You see what I did there?! I’m hoping at least one person understood that joke.

But I’m ashamed that I even know this information to begin with.. The fact that this is even news is disturbing. And that there was a 1:00 press conference today to announce it. And that I am writing about it right now.

Shit, I’ve spent this entire blog discussing reality TV and the new judges on American idol. I need to do something to redeem myself fast…

Think, Weingrad think…


Wait for it…

Whew… saved. That was a close one. Thank you Sofia Vergara.

New TV Shows are Back

I tried watching Glee today, mainly because nothing else was on. After five minutes, I could not take it anymore.

The show tries wayyyy too hard to be politically correct. Of like the six or seven main people in the glee club, one is very flamboyantly gay, one is black, one is Asian, and one is in a wheelchair. Gimme a break. What group of anything do you know consists of that? It is very annoying.

I love when one of the kids goes to sing, and he or she is self-conscious because they don’t think they can sing well, and then it turns out that they have the singing voice of an angel.

How many people with amazing singing voices could possibly attend one school? Again, it’s not realistic. The average person doesn’t have a good singing voice. So we don’t relate with people that have amazing singing voices. Therefore, this show is not even encouraging people to join glee clubs or pursue a singing career. If anything, it’s discouraging it.

When I hear the singing, I don’t even think it’s real. It sounds pre-recorded and manipulated (which it essentially is), and it just doesn’t seem authentic.

What the show should have are normal people that have slightly above average singing voices. Maybe the main boy and main girl can sound like pop stars, but not everyone. It’s so stupid. I can see the appeal of the show, but the fact that it has blown up as it has is basically one of the reasons why other countries hate us.

The writing of that show is terrible. I suppose that is what happens when you put a good, solid idea in the hands of incompetent morons.

As for other shows, I really don’t give a shit. I used to absolutely love the Office, but it has unfortunately gone downhill. I’ll still watch the new season though because I am loyal.

I laugh when a new show comes out and everyone talks about it. Like this show “The Event.” My prediction: Four episodes, then it will be canceled. So why even bother?

Here’s what you need to be watching: FX from 9 to 10 p.m. on Thursdays. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia followed by The League. There probably aren’t two funnier shows on TV right now.

And then you’ve got those stupid sitcoms like The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, and Two and a Half Men. Good sitcoms are hard to find since the days of Seinfeld, Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond.  So now when a sitcom comes out that isn’t terrible… people act like it’s a big deal. And that is the best thing I can say about those shows; they aren’t terrible, but they aren’t good either.

And then there’s porn. That never gets old.

Speaking of getting old, does Vanna White not have the easiest job in the world or what?  All she has to do is fucking turn a little square around. She doesn’t even need to talk. And if that wasn’t easy enough, they’ve somehow made her job EASIER. Now all she has to do to reveal the letters is touch the screen.

Are you shitting me?

While most people dread going to work to have to deal with their bosses, co-workers, shitty salary, shitty commute, and shitty dead-end situation with no chance of being promoted… this is Vanna’s mindset:

“Aww man, I gotta go to work today and stand around for twenty minutes, while every now and then having to walk a few steps to touch a square. FML!”

Either she’s the dumbest person in the world, or the smartest. I really can’t decide.

But the one thing that I wonder about her is: how the hell can you feel a sense of accomplishment in your life when you possess a job that could legitimately be performed just as well by a chimpanzee?

But, hey, I guess feelings of self-worth are overshadowed by her massive bi-weekly paycheck. Whatever works, Vanna.

Eddie Long, what the hell is wrong with you?

*shakes head in disbelief* How can you take religion seriously when there are people in the world like this?

I think people are just easily manipulated. They want to follow somebody, so when they hear a man with a strong and eloquent voice, then they follow him like Jesus. And then he has sex with boys.

That’s why you gotta follow bloggers instead of preachers. Bloggers don’t get laid, so you don’t have to worry about any inappropriate sexual undertakings.


I really want to see the movie “The Town.” Who’s coming with me?!

The Recession is Over! We Did It!!!

According to this article on CNN, the economic recession has officially come to an end.

On Monday, the National Bureau of Economic Research, an independent group of economists charged with dating when recessions begin and end, declared that the Great Recession that started in December 2007 came to an end in June 2009.

WOOOOOOOOO! Everybody give yourself a pat on the back! The recession is over! WE DID IT! WE DID –

…Did what, exactly?

Hmm, what did we do to end this recession? I can’t speak for everyone, obviously (though that usually doesn’t stop me from trying!), but I can speak for those that were lucky enough to graduate college just at the peak of the recession. I’m speaking not only of myself, but practically 83% of the people that I know. So here’s what we did:

–          Sit on our couch and twiddle our thumbs

–          Go to grad school.

And that’s about it.

Hey, whatever works. If sitting on your couch and twiddling your thumbs is what directly led to the economic upsurge, than my role in ending the session was equivalent to the part Martin Luther King Jr. played in the civil rights movement.

I always knew that my name would someday be uttered in the same sentence as the great Martin Luther King. Or Marty, as his close friends used to call him.

Regardless, I sincerely hope this is true just so all the lazy bastards who haven’t gotten jobs yet can stop using the recession as an excuse. Yea, sure, it’s the recession that explains why you’re unemployed and still live in your parents’ basement, and NOT your complete lack of motivation to do anything.

Let’s all celebrate the end of the recession by quitting our jobs and partying!!! Wait… there’s an outside chance that that might be a bad idea.

The funny thing is that Obama is obviously going to get credit for it. Meanwhile, who really does know what the hell the igniting factor was? Maybe he does even deserve most of the credit for all we know. Either way, might as well mark it down now… George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and… Barrack Obama. Mount Rushmore is about to get a little more colorful.

Moving on.

I gotta say, Twitter is growing on me more and more by the day. I thought it was the dumbest thing in the world at first, but now I can see it becoming the next Facebook. As in, soon it is going to get to the point where everybody HAS to have a twitter. Just like how it is kind of a necessity to have a facebook page. Like the old saying goes… if you can’t beat them, tweet them.

But the other social networking shit, like Foursquare, is fucking retarded. And any other application (I’ve even seen them on facebook and twitter) that involves divulging your specific location, i.e., “Bernard Miller is checking in from Tom’s Deli in Massapequa, N.Y.” Incidentally, if your name is actually Bernard Miller, and you frequent an eating establishment called Tom’s Deli, you win.

But seriously, what the HELL is the point of that? Who cares where you are?! You do realize, people that partake in this, that you are ASKING to be robbed!

It’s the same reason why people leave a light on in their house when they go out, or leave the TV on, or refuse to say “we’re not home right now…” on their answering machine recording. To NOT get robbed.

Not only are you telling people that you are not home, but you are telling them EXACTLY where you are, and EXACTLY how long it will take you to travel back home at the minimum. It’s basically like handing your house key and a map of your house to a thief. So foolish.

Words in all-capital letters don’t even do justice to how angry this makes me.

Oh and speaking of dumb things, what the hell does them term “get over yourself” mean? I hear it all the time, but I don’t understand it. Get over yourself… as in, forget about yourself?! That doesn’t seem like a very wise thing to do.

I’m assuming it refers to people that are too consumed with themselves and their own “problems,” but still, I think that term needs some fine-tuning.

Unless it means to physically get over yourself, as in taking some type of psychedelic drug that gives you an out-of-body experience and physically makes you feel like you are hovering over yourself.

Yeah, let’s roll with that.

Today Was Very Tornadoey

Alright, maybe it didn’t look like that…

But apparently a tornado made its way through New York City today. I’m not a meteorologist, and I don’t play one on TV, but I don’t think that happens very often.

When I heard that it went though Queens, I was hoping it went through Flushing and destroyed Citifield. But alas, no luck.

I don’t think it was quite like a tornado that you would see in the movie “Twister,” nor would you have seen Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt chasing it around the streets of New York City attempting to lodge empty soda cans into it, but it’s still a noteworthy event.

I hear that public transportation is all screwed up in the city, and that all LIRR trains were canceled. As I write this, there are hundreds of soaking wet, tired, cranky people currently standing around in Penn Station that have absolutely no idea when or if they are getting home. Meanwhile, I’m sitting in my comfortable, warm room, watching television and having a nice enjoyable Thursday night.


It’s just another reason to not work in New York City. That commute is such a bitch as it is. I can’t even imagine having to do that twice a day from Long Island. Screw that. I’d rather be unemployed and do nothing all day then work in the city.

The only reason I’d ever work in the city is if I got a fantastic job offer. And let’s face it… I will someday.

But let’s stray away from my favorite topic (me) and get back to the tornado. I think that it is just a sign that the apocalypse is near. Tornadoes in New York City? What the hell?! Next thing you know we are going to have a sandstorm.

…maybe not.

Here’s a pretty funny story:

Last week, Bahrain hosted Togo in a friendly, beating them 3-0. Then Togo’s soccer federation said they hadn’t actually sent their national team, and they didn’t know who Bahrain had just played.

Bahrain’s coach complained about the match immediately afterward, saying the Togo team “were not fit enough to play 90 minutes.” Allegations quickly sprang up that a fake agent had booked the match, and sold it to Bahrain’s soccer federation. Then Togo chimed in, saying, hey, no one told us about a friendly.

We cannot send our players to play friendly matches abroad without the approval of FIFA,” [Togo Soccer Chairman Seiyi] Memene said. “The players that took part in the friendly match against Bahrain were completely fake. We have not sent any team of footballers to Bahrain. The players are not known to us.”

Now Togo’s sports minister says the players belonged to a “mafia group.” Wonderful.

I think the funniest part about all of this is that the Bahrain national soccer team was only able to score three goals. Three goals against random people off the street. Are you kidding me?!

To be fair, Bahrain is about four times smaller than Rhode Island and doesn’t even have a population of a million, but c’mon, Bahrain.

How could you consider yourself a professional at something, and then compete against people who most likely don’t even have any skills, and only just beat them?!

It’s crazy that something like this could actually happen. And who says that the mafia isn’t intelligent?!

Anyway, I don’t know about you… but I think that this commercial is hilarious:

Really good acting and funny delivery. When they’re all standing around and the guy in the middle shrugs, I laugh every time.

Before I go, I just wanted to point out how amused I get whenever I see somebody write on another person’s facebook wall: “We need to get together sometime so that I can catch up on your life!!!”

“Catch up on your life?” No, that’s not what you want. Clearly, you don’t care about that person’s life; otherwise you wouldn’t have allowed so much time to elapse since the last time you talked to them. What you really want is for them to catch up on your life. Because something good obviously happened recently, and you want to be an attention whore and tell everybody.

When things are going shitty in your life, you don’t care about what’s happening in other people’s lives. You don’t want to know about good things. Screw hearing about Bob’s promotion or that Cindy got engaged. You want to hear that Bob got laid off from his job, or that Cindy’s dog died. That’s the news you’re looking for.

Yeah, let’s end on that note. With dogs dying.

A Rap Concert! Yay!

Whenever I need inspiration for a blog, there is no better place to check than good ole facebook. It rarely lets me down.

Over the last couple days, I’ve noticed an abundance of facebook statuses in regards to the Jay-Z/Eminem concert that has been occurring this week at Yankee stadium.

You know how those statuses look; people acting like they’re better than everyone because they managed to nab tickets to the show. And then saying how it was the best concert they’ve ever been to. Basically… the same thing that any human on the face of the earth has ever said after getting back from a concert by a performer that they like.

But hey, here’s a newsflash to everybody:


(no offense to the two black friends that I actually do have… love you guys!)

Honestly, upon reading all those statuses about the concert, this was my reaction: “Oh that was this week?” And then I went about the rest of my day and didn’t even think about it again until now.

Had somebody offered me tickets, would I have gone? Maybe. Why not? It’s something to do.

Had somebody offered me tickets to an art museum that same night instead… would I have gone? Maybe. Why not? It’s something to do.

Gangstaaaaa whaaaaaat

And this is coming from somebody that – while I don’t really like rap – likes Eminem. And doesn’t even hate Jay-Z. So I ain’t just some southern cracka hatin’ on rap.

And it’s not like I even needed to go anyway, everybody uploaded pictures from their phone. We GET it… you were there! We don’t need visual proof!

Plus it was at Yankee Stadium. I try to avoid that place at all costs.


So I was checking today so I could keep up with the news, and, well, I guess I shouldn’t call it all “news”…

What the hell?! This is CNN… one of the world’s most prestigious news sources. There’s a story there about Cuba, one of our biggest enemies, and their thoughts on our president, and then just four stories below that is a story about what Kate Gosselin thinks of her new body. Are you kidding me?

Why is that anything that resembles news? I can think of at least eight million things that I care about more than that within a matter of minutes. I care more about what socks that you – the reader – are wearing right now than what Kate Gosselin thinks of her body. Seriously. If you comment on this blog saying what kind of socks you are wearing (but of course you won’t), I guarantee I will give you a very thought-out response.

Oh, and if you were wondering (like I was) about the story two down from Gosselin about the best bathroom in the U.S., so was I. I clicked on it. The bathroom is at a place called “The Fountain on Locust” in St. Louis.

Here’s what it looks like:


By the way, yesterday was the primary elections. Did you vote? Of course you didn’t. Neither did I. I don’t even know how to vote. Good night.