The Definition of Irony

I just learned today what Segways are. They are a kind of scooter for adults that is supposedly going to “revolutionize personal transport.”

If you ask me, they look like those things that mall cops ride around on. Either way, whatever it is, it’s stupid. When I was made aware that such a thing existed I actually had to put my head in my palm and take a few moments to reflect on how stupid our world is.

But before I even could take any more time to further express my disbelief… this happened:

The millionaire owner of the Segway company Jimi Heselden has died after falling from a cliff while riding one of his firm’s motorized scooters.

That… sucks?

That’s like Steve Jobs somehow getting killed by an ipod. Or the Situation suffocating in a tanning bed. I kinda hope that happens.

I don’t even know what else really to say; it kind of speaks for itself. Perhaps this is God warning us all by saying: “Alright, I let you guys have Facebook. I kept my mouth shut when you assholes invented the ipad. Shit, I even let Jersey Shore slide. But, fuck, I am not going to let this goddamn planet become a mockery in the form of grown men riding scooters around.”

That’s right, even God says his own name in vain sometimes.

I refuse to believe this was a coincidence. I’m not saying this man was murdered, but there is clearly some divine intervention going on here.

Let me be clear; it’s never funny when somebody dies. But, you’d be hard-pressed to not admit that isn’t pretty freaking ironic. Even Alanis Morissette would attest to it.

You invent something, and then it is the cause of your death. Even Horace Smith and Daniel Wesson – arguably the two most famous gun inventors in history – both outlived this dude by more than ten years! THE GUN.

And let be even more clear; I’m not calling God a murderer here. He’s (or she… LOL JUST KIDDING) simply just depleting the world of stupidity. Kind of like a new-age survival of the fittest. Keep up the good work God. Pleaseletparishiltonbenextpleaseletparishiltonbenext.

Speaking of stupidity, this video is absolutely hysterical:

I lost count about midway through as to how many times the referee screwed up there. I can’t even imagine how much people have ragged on him the past two days because of that. And I guarantee that nothing funnier than this will occur throughout the remainder of the football season.

I don’t know about you, but I am dying to see this movie:

And I fully intend to by the end of the week. Animation? YUP. Adventure? YUP. Owls? YUPPP.

If I could use any three words to describe the perfect movie, I think it would be those. I may even go to the movie theater dressed as an owl.

Hopefully I won’t get my ass kicked.


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