Going to the Knicks Game Tonight!

I’ve only been to one Knicks game in my life. It was several years ago and they actually beat the Dallas Mavericks in overtime. I’m going back to the Garden tonight and hoping to make it 2/2!

Oddly, it’s against another western conference team in the Portland Trail Blazers.

Plus I’ve never been to a home opener in any sport before. But at Madison Square Garden on Halloween eve? This is going to be insaaanity.

The plan is to start drinking at around 5, continue drinking whilst at the game, and then wander the city afterwards in our drunken stupor and observe everyone else’s costumes.

I don’t think I can possibly come away from this night without at least humorous anecdote. So, stay tuned for my next blog post, because I should have some good stories to tell. And hopefully I will also be detailing a solid Knicks victory.

Aight, just wanted to give you all that little teaser to keep you intrigued. Happy Halloween everyone!

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Heartbreaking

Today, I’m going to write about a woman I love… who is no longer available. Although she had a boyfriend, she was not married, and thus, there was still a chance.

Unfortunately, I never got the chance to truly tell her how I feel.

And now it’s too late. An asshole took her away from me.

But, right now, I will use this blog as a means to express my true feelings. Who am I talking about, you ask?

Somebody really special. Somebody beautiful. Somebody close to my heart.

And most importantly, somebody who is with the wrong person.

Alright, here we go…

*deep breath*

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Maria Sharapova got engaged earlier this week.

How could you?

Not only in this absolutely devastating news, but the story only gets worse.

She’s engaged to Sasha Vujacic. SASHA VUJACIC. A backup player for the Los Angeles Lakers. He doesn’t even start!

I truly thought that if Maria was ever going to tie the knot, it would be to some billionaire executive, or a model, or at least to a freaking STARTING basketball player. Not to some European scrub.

Apparently, Vujacic proposed to her on their one year anniversary… of the time that they first MET.

Seriously?!

They met one year ago, which means they didn’t even start dating a year ago. They’ve known each other for a year. That’s it. And now they’re engaged. I guess I feel a little more comfort now knowing that this relationship is obviously destined to fail.

The only question is when. And how I can somehow convince Maria that she is making a huge mistake.

Sasha fucking Vujacic.

I’m going to kill that little bitch.

“It’s was probably old school,” Vujacic said. “I had to do it like a gentlemen.”

That’s a quote from the ESPN article. But what does that even mean?! It was “probably” old school?! Were you not even there?? Did you send a representative to propose for you?

And you had to do it like a gentlemen? Ugh, what a chore! You HAD to propose to a beautiful millionaire tennis sensation… like a gentlemen! Oh no… the horror!

Next time I watch a Lakers game, I won’t be rooting for a team to win… I’ll be rooting for Sasha Vujacic to dislocate both of his ankles.

It’s truly a sad day for America when Sasha Vujacic is able to claim one of the world’s most eligible bachelorette. He shouldn’t even be allowed to claim his own luggage at an airport, let alone a woman like Maria Sharapova.

Heartbreaking.

Sports!

With the world series beginning tonight, basketball and hockey just getting underway, and football getting into the thick of things… the heart of sports season is here.

Now that I work, I appreciate sports even more. After working all day and then hitting the gym, I just want to collapse in front of the television and be entertained.

I actually yell out loud to my television: “Athletes, entertain me. Go!”

And they do.

Basketball is an exciting sport to watch because it requires the most athleticism. You need to be able to leap high, run fast, and use your strength to your advantage. And people wonder why white people are slowly being phased out of the game?!

You know what I don’t understand? How there are males that exist in this world that don’t like sports. How is that possible?

It is our duty, as men, to watch sports. It’s something we have that girls don’t know jack shit about. And the best part is, girls accept it.

If you tell your girlfriend you can’t spend time with her on Sunday because you have to watch the football game, she’ll understand. She won’t be happy about it, I’m sure, but she knows that it’s what we do. And she’s free to go to the mall or go eat brunch with one of her slut friends.

But if you’re a male, and you don’t watch sports… and you’re more into say, video games… then your girlfriend probably wouldn’t be as accommodating to let you ignore her for that. Actually, scratch that, if video games are your true passion in life, then you don’t have a girlfriend anyway. So… it’s pretty irrelevant.

Seriously, though, men were meant to watch sports. And not just watch them, but obsess over them. And have stupid arguments with your friends about them. And to make fun of other people when their team fails. And then partake in fantasy leagues and proceed to obsess over those.

I mean, I guess it’s not your fault if you don’t like sports… it’s just the way you are. But I feel bad for you if that’s the case. Because you are severely missing out.

I don’t know if everyone saw this, but Nike put out a new ad for Lebron James:

As much as I hate to admit it, this commercial makes me hate Lebron James less. Dammit. I want to hate the guy so badly after the embarrassing spectacle he put on this past summer, but damn. That commercial is awesome. You have to give props to whoever is in charge of the advertising at Nike, because time and time again, they put out awesome commercials.

Alright, I’m tired. I’m going to go back to lying down and watching sports. But here’s a picture of a sea otter to momentarily distract you from how mediocre this particular blog was:

Date Night

I don’t think there are two words that you can pair together in the English language that annoy me more than this phrase:

Date night.

If anyone I ever know tells me that they can’t hang out because they are having a “date night,” may god have mercy on their soul.

And if it’s a male that says it, well, you might as well hand in any trace of masculinity you have left.

What does a date night consist of? Making a summer salad, drinking some wine, lighting candles and watching Confessions of a Shopaholic while cuddling under a blanket?

And why are date nights necessary? It’s not a date, because dates are for people that aren’t yet a couple. Date nights are for people in a relationship, which means, they see each other all the time. “Oh, but… but… I only see him 10 hours a day! That’s not enough!” YOU MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT.

There’s nothing worse than a couple that is perfectly content spending their Friday or Saturday night having a date night.

From this point forward, if anybody tells me that they are having a date night, they are banned for four days from socializing with me. Second time offenders will receive a weeklong ban. Anything after that will be handled on a case-by-case basis.

It’s for your own good. Trust me. This is what happens during a date night:

8:00 p.m.

Awesome guy: Yo man, you coming out tonight? We’re all hitting the town!

Loser: Nah man, it’s date night with the girl.

Awesome guy: Just listening to you utter that sentence makes me feel gayer for knowing you by association.

10:00 p.m.

(at the bar)

Awesome guy: Let’s get shots! I’m buying first round!

Awesome guy’s friend: Nice! By the way, where’s Loser?

Awesome guy: He’s having a date night.

Awesome guy’s friend: (drops shot glass) That’s infuriating.

(meanwhile, back at the apartment…)

Loser: (while holding a salad) Alright, ready to watch the movie?

Loser’s Girlfriend: Actually, I’d rather talk first. About life. And love.

Loser: Oh…

12 a.m.

(at the bar)

Awesome guy: Let’s get more drinks!

Awesome guy’s friend: Great idea! I’ll buy.

Bartender: No need for that. You guys look like you’re all awesome. You drink for free tonight!

Awesome guy: This is amazing.

(at the apartment)

Loser’s Girlfriend: …and that is what I’m feeling. Were you listening?

Loser: (wakes up) What? Oh… yeah, of course I was. Now can we start watchi-

Loser’s Girlfriend: And here is what else has been going through my head lately…

Loser: Oh god.

2 a.m.

(at the bar)

Awesome guy: (holding a bottle of liquor while dancing at the club surrounding by beautiful girls and wearing a ridiculous hat and sunglasses that he somehow acquired at some point) This is the BEST NIGHT EVER!

(at the apartment, Confessions of a Shopaholic is just finishing)

Loser: (While thinking in his head how awful that movie was) Well, it’s over. You want to go to the bedroom now and… you know…

Loser’s Girlfriend: Nah, I’m tired. But this was a lovely evening. Good night hun! (goes to bed)

Loser: I wonder what the guys did tonight… probably nothing interesting.

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Obviously, this topic affects me.

Just… don’t do it.

Halloween

Halloween is less than a week away.

I have very mixed feelings on this holiday. For one, I like observing people’s creativity when it comes to their costumes. I, for one, like to be creative with as little effort as possible.

For example, last year I was Facebook. I taped a dry erase board to my shirt and pasted the Facebook logo to the top of it. Then I wrote “David is…” and allowed people to constantly write on it throughout the night. It was a very popular costume and I received a lot of compliments. Plus it took me five minutes to make.

I also like it when girls dress slutty. I don’t need to elaborate on this.

Normally, however, I’m too lazy to create a costume. I applaud people who actually put forth the time and effort to do it. That being said, there’s nothing worse than putting a lot of time into making a costume, and then having nobody recognize who or what you are. Two years ago I tried to dress like Frodo from Lord of the Rings, and nobody knew who I was, even though I thought I did a decent job with the wardrobe (the one drawback was that I couldn’t find a wig.) Although, there was one person who did identify me as a hobbit, so that was close enough.

But, there are things I don’t like about this holiday. For one thing, any bar you go to on Halloween is going to be packed. That annoys me deeply. I remember when I was at school in Binghamton, Halloween was possibly the biggest party night of the year. Everybody went out on Halloween, and in result, the bars were too overcrowded.

Last year, I went to New York City for Halloween for the first time. Pretty big mistake. You really won’t be able to find a bar that doesn’t charge at least a $20 cover. And then there are the $8 beers. Awesome.

Although, I did have fun in New York City simply just walking around and observing the thousands of people parading the street in costumes. That was probably the best part about it. I really didn’t even need to go into a bar. The streets were packed, and the police were all standing around pretty much just ensuring that a riot didn’t break out. There were so many people around that there was just no possible way they could have kept everybody off the streets, so they didn’t even bother.

What’s also amusing is that every year, things happen in the world that warrant popular costume ideas.

For example, after the Olympics a few years ago, I saw several people dress up as Michael Phelps. After the Dark Knight came out, a lot of people were the Joker. Last year, Michael Jackson was a popular choice, etc.

What will it be this year?

I, for one, nominate this guy:

THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH.

Unfortunately, as a white, I don’t think I can pull this off. But hopefully I will see somebody over the weekend with that costume. I have to.

You know what I miss about this holiday? Trick or treating. Talk about an awesome fucking day. Wandering the neighborhood with your buddies – under parental supervision, of course! – and checking out all of the houses and the cool things that they’ve done to celebrate the holiday. Oh, and they give you candy. I used to go home and sort out all my candy before eating it. I was weird.

It’s kind of a foolish thing to do, though, when you really think about it. Who knows what weirdos live in your neighborhood… and you’re just voluntarily going up to their door? And on top of all that, you’re actually consuming whatever it is they give to you? Why, for one day a year, does our country suddenly become so trustworthy?!

Try giving candy to little kids any other day of the year, and see what type of reaction you’ll get then! Not that I would know…

Another cool thing about the holiday is all the Halloween-themed TV shows. I loved it when I was a kid, and all my favorite shows would have a scary Halloween episode. I don’t really watch many TV shows anymore, but just the knowledge that it will be happening is still cool.

I’ve never gone pumpkin picking in my life. It seems kind of effeminate, if you ask me.

And last but certainly not least… ghost stories. This Halloween, I’d totally be down for going into the middle of the woods, starting a fire, shining a flashlight and telling ghost stories, Are You Afraid of the Dark style! Who’s with me?!

Haha, remember this guy from the show:

What a nerd. I wonder what he’s doing right now? I bet he still sits outside of campfires trying to relive his glory days, muttering ghost stories to himself. While inhaling paint thinner. In the nude.

Sounds like my Friday night!

Hmm….

Oh, speaking of sitting naked around campfires, I’d like to wish a very happy birthday to Gregg!

Peace.

Milestone

Wow, what a glorious weekend.

If you’re a Mets fan, as I am, it hasn’t been a very good past few years. Last year in particular was an absolute disaster. The Mets were never competitive, and the world series was a battle between our two most hated teams:: The Yankees and the Phillies. It was a nightmare.

And if you asked me about 10 days ago… I would have said that it was destined to happen again. That’s just the way it is. For Mets fans, there is only one way of life: what can go wrong, will go wrong.

But then… something happened. The clouds shifted, the sun peaked through, and the heavens shined down on Mets fans. For the first time in about four years, things went right.

Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Howard both looking at strike three to end the championship series? Are you kidding me? I couldn’t have drawn it up any better if I wrote the script myself.

Man, I could watch that for hours. Call me naive, but I consider this a turning point. I feel that the dark days are behind us, and that things are going to start going right for the Mets very soon. Lets’ hope.

And that’s not the only great thing to happen this weekend.

Almost exactly five months ago, I celebrated my 100th blog post. Well, today, we celebrate again. This blog that you are reading right now… is #200.

God damn, if you told me exactly 310 days ago when I started this blog that I would eventually reach 200 blogs, I don’t think I would have believed you. Of course, I didn’t start this blog with the intention for it to fail, but still. The part that I am most surprised with is how consistent I’ve stayed with it, and also, how much I’ve actually enjoyed blogging.

It’s even become ingrained in my head as my part of my daily schedule. I think internally: “Wake up, shower, go to work, come home, exercise, watch TV, eat dinner, blog, vacuum my crystal meth lab, sleep.”

Of course, it never would have been accomplished without my loyal followers. It was your encouragement in the beginning that kept me going. Otherwise, I’d have just assumed that nobody was reading and that it was becoming a pointless endeavor.

Amazingly, I think this blog has actually made me smarter. It motivates me to keep up with the news, and it’s made me think more critically and become more observant about the world. Throughout the course of a day, I’ll find myself actually having at least one “hey, now that’s something good I can blog about later!” moment. Whereas, in the past (pre-blog era as I like to call it), I’d have just ignored whatever it was and went about my day in my usual haze.

And I think my blogging has improved throughout these past several months. I’ve written scripts, stories, articles, and even poetry before (they were dark days… don’t judge me), and blogging is completely different. It’s almost like a different language. And thank God I was able to attain a job and make my life more interesting, because I definitely was running out of things to talk about when my life just consisted of sleeping, eating, and watching TV.

So, again, thank you everybody for reading. Having a blog is almost like having an imaginary friend to talk to, except in this case, you’re only slightly considered a loser.

I ended my 100th blog by saying “Here’s to a hundred more!” Well, shit, here’s to another hundred! And here’s to hoping that the hot Russian waitress who waited on me during dinner on Saturday and whom I gave my business card to actually Facebooks me.

THE YANKEES LOSE, THEEEEEEEEE YANKEES LOOOOSEEE!!!

Am I a bitter Mets fan? Yup. Sure. Those words are synonymous.

Before the existence of Facebook, I could live with the Yankees winning. I wouldn’t be happy about it, but whatever.

However, I can’t stand all of these assholes that suddenly become die-hard Yankee lovers during the postseason. I’VE WATCHED MORE YANKEES GAME THAN THEM THROUGHOUT THE FUCKING YEAR, AND I HATE THE TEAM.

I mean, sure, if you’re from New York, it’s cool if you want to support them. I have no problem with that. But to start posting it on Facebook as if to prove that you are “legit,” is just fucking ridiculous.

Sorry, I’m getting emotional, but words cannot express how happy this Yankees loss makes me.

Inevitably, any Yankees taunting results in Mets bashing.

Only one thing pisses me off more than bandwagon Yankees fans suddenly becoming die-hards during the playoffs, and that is bandwagon Yankee fans insulting the Mets.

For somebody that knows as much as about baseball as I do, and for somebody that has only missed about 5% of Mets games for the past fifteen years, and for somebody that is currently wearing Mets pajamas pants at this very moment, it is flat-out insulting. Not because I’m offended that my team sucks – I know they do, that’s a certainty – but because of the source.

I told a friend the other day that a hearing a bandwagon Yankees fan insulting the Mets is equivalent to what it must have felt like for a white property owner during the early 1800s to be insulted by their slave. (Note: slavery is the darkest mark in the history of human existence and an absolute disgrace to humanity… I am simply just making a comparison to how drastic this situation is.) That’s how much it bothers me. Unfortunately, In this case, whipping them back in retaliation is not legal (and rightfully so!)

If you want to decipher the real Yankee fans from the shitty-ass bandwagon fans, just look at Facebook. The ones taking the high road and complimenting Texas for simply being a better team and playing a better series are the real ones. The ones that go straight to attacking the Mets… they’re the worst.

And that’s why I fucking love when the Yankees fail. Because as a life-long TRUE Mets fan, I’ve had to deal with all this Yankees bullshit my entire life.

Watching the “faithful” Yankees fans flood out of the stadium in droves for two consecutive nights during the ninth inning was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.

To the real Yankees fans: I personally apologize for all the Mets fans’ berating that you have had to put up with over the past 12 hours. It’s not directed towards you.

To the bandwagon Yankee fans, you know, the ones that don’t even actually care that the Yankees lost, because they’re not real-enough fans to have invested any type of emotion in them to begin with: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU