Date Night

I don’t think there are two words that you can pair together in the English language that annoy me more than this phrase:

Date night.

If anyone I ever know tells me that they can’t hang out because they are having a “date night,” may god have mercy on their soul.

And if it’s a male that says it, well, you might as well hand in any trace of masculinity you have left.

What does a date night consist of? Making a summer salad, drinking some wine, lighting candles and watching Confessions of a Shopaholic while cuddling under a blanket?

And why are date nights necessary? It’s not a date, because dates are for people that aren’t yet a couple. Date nights are for people in a relationship, which means, they see each other all the time. “Oh, but… but… I only see him 10 hours a day! That’s not enough!” YOU MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT.

There’s nothing worse than a couple that is perfectly content spending their Friday or Saturday night having a date night.

From this point forward, if anybody tells me that they are having a date night, they are banned for four days from socializing with me. Second time offenders will receive a weeklong ban. Anything after that will be handled on a case-by-case basis.

It’s for your own good. Trust me. This is what happens during a date night:

8:00 p.m.

Awesome guy: Yo man, you coming out tonight? We’re all hitting the town!

Loser: Nah man, it’s date night with the girl.

Awesome guy: Just listening to you utter that sentence makes me feel gayer for knowing you by association.

10:00 p.m.

(at the bar)

Awesome guy: Let’s get shots! I’m buying first round!

Awesome guy’s friend: Nice! By the way, where’s Loser?

Awesome guy: He’s having a date night.

Awesome guy’s friend: (drops shot glass) That’s infuriating.

(meanwhile, back at the apartment…)

Loser: (while holding a salad) Alright, ready to watch the movie?

Loser’s Girlfriend: Actually, I’d rather talk first. About life. And love.

Loser: Oh…

12 a.m.

(at the bar)

Awesome guy: Let’s get more drinks!

Awesome guy’s friend: Great idea! I’ll buy.

Bartender: No need for that. You guys look like you’re all awesome. You drink for free tonight!

Awesome guy: This is amazing.

(at the apartment)

Loser’s Girlfriend: …and that is what I’m feeling. Were you listening?

Loser: (wakes up) What? Oh… yeah, of course I was. Now can we start watchi-

Loser’s Girlfriend: And here is what else has been going through my head lately…

Loser: Oh god.

2 a.m.

(at the bar)

Awesome guy: (holding a bottle of liquor while dancing at the club surrounding by beautiful girls and wearing a ridiculous hat and sunglasses that he somehow acquired at some point) This is the BEST NIGHT EVER!

(at the apartment, Confessions of a Shopaholic is just finishing)

Loser: (While thinking in his head how awful that movie was) Well, it’s over. You want to go to the bedroom now and… you know…

Loser’s Girlfriend: Nah, I’m tired. But this was a lovely evening. Good night hun! (goes to bed)

Loser: I wonder what the guys did tonight… probably nothing interesting.


Obviously, this topic affects me.

Just… don’t do it.

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