When Will People Learn How to Drive?

Man, it took me about 40 minutes to get home from work today, when it shouldn’t take any more than 10.

It never ceases to amaze me how many bad drivers there are in this world. It was during rush hour, so there are already an exorbitant amount of cars on the road. When that’s the case, all it takes is one or two bad drivers to cause miles of traffic. When one person drives poorly, it causes everyone to adapt to them for at least a fraction of a second. Eventually, those fractions of a second accumulate and it causes a shitstorm of traffic.

Today, not only was it rush hour, but it was dark out. And on top of that, it was raining. Whenever there is any trace of precipitation in the air, then forget it. People suddenly become way too overly cautious on the road.

I think I’ve said this before, but I’m a pretty mild-mannered, even-keeled guy. I rarely get overexcited, nor do I become overly mad. I’m usually fairly expressionless, in fact, bordering on indifference.

However, when I’m in a car, and I’m stuck in traffic, then I will scream, wail, punch the steering wheel, etc.

If there is a bad driver in front of me that is holding me up, and I finally get an opportunity to pass them, I need to look at who the driver was. I need a face to gravitate my hatred towards. However, usually that has a reverse effect. When I look at the person, and I see that it’s a human being (as opposed to other times when it’s a dog or a cat), it lessens my anger. It’s just a normal person, like you and me, but they just happen to suck at driving. We all suck at something.

It still is extremely frustrating, though. Traffic would not exist if everyone simply knew how to drive.

Traffic in Long Island is pretty terrible. It’s overpopulated here. But it’s nothing compared to New York City. I never drive there if I can avoid it, but sometimes you have no choice. But it’s the worst. Sometimes it takes half an hour just to travel two miles.

Speaking of New York City, the Christmas Tree Lighting occurred tonight in Rockefeller Center. It’s nice to see people get into the holiday spirit.

I prefer hot weather to cold weather, and I also hate when it gets dark at 4:30, but, regardless, I don’t think there is a better time of the year than late November up until New Years.

It’s a time when you could feel jovial for no reason in particular, other than that it is the holiday season.

I really can’t explain it, but I just love chilling out, watching TV in my cozy room, and knowing that even though it’s freezing outside, I am quite warm and comfortable.

I love Christmas decorations, Christmas movies, Christmas beverages at Starbucks, Christmas parties, Christmas clothing, Christmas music, Christmas trees; I love it all.

I encourage everyone to get into the holiday spirit.

Love each other.

Love your friends and family.

Love thy neighbor.

But, if you don’t know how to fucking drive, I swear to god I’mma kill you.

Black Friday

There is nothing less appealing in the world to me than Black Friday.

Seriously. Name any activity. Anything. And I’d rather do that than go shopping on Black Friday.

That’s right. I’d rather shave my eyebrows than go to Black Friday. I’d rather jump into shark infested waters. I’d sooner have a DATE NIGHT than set foot inside of a Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

It consists of five of the things that I hate the most.

1)      Waking up super early.

2)      Standing in a long line.

3)      Being around tons of people.

4)      Cold Weather.

5)      Shopping.

While I don’t think there is any behavior that our species could partake in that would ever amaze me, this comes pretty close:

It’s a compilation of shoppers at different stores on Black Friday this past week.

I really only have one reaction upon watching that video:

If you’re a rabid, untamed, wild animal like a hyena, or a raccoon… then this is perfectly acceptable behavior. But if you’re a human being and doing this, well, then you deserve the same fate as a wild animal would receive: to be shot.

There’s no justification for this type of behavior. It’s embarrassing. And the worst part is that it’s not even for free stuff. It’s to buy things at a slightly discounted value. Basically, the same prices that you can probably find online if you knew where to look.

Unbelievable.

If you watch the video, you’ll see that people aren’t even looking at what they’re grabbing. They’re just picking up random boxes, with absolutely no idea what may be inside of it.

“Hey, I broke my arm on Black Friday and suffered a black eye while being trampled on during an onrush of stampeding idiots, but at least I saved $30 on a TV!” What a great county we live in.

It would solve so many of our world’s problems if we just bombed one of these supermarkets with all those idiots inside. Sure, we may also be losing an innocent employee that just happened to get stuck working on Black Friday, or maybe the desperate parents that needs to rely on discounted prices to buy things for their children, but… I think it’s still worth it.

Like I said before, I know how much we suck as a race. You hear shit every day that makes you shake your head. But, this… man, even I thought we were better than this.

God bless America, folks.

Oh and if you’re reading this, and you participated in Black Friday, well, my guess is that you probably won’t come back here tomorrow.

By the way, allow me to give a shout out to my girl Anne Hathaway for getting the nod to host this year’s Oscars along with James Franco. Two talented and funny people with great personalities… should make for a great show.

Plus it gives me an excuse to post a picture of Anne Hathaway. Which is always a good thing.

Well, I’m an Idiot. Part 2.

Alright, fine, so it’s really part 1229465239259085, but for those that don’t know me as well… let’s just pretend it’s part two.

A while ago I talked about the benefits of having a job, and I originally thought I covered everything. But there are a couple of things I forgot; both for the good and the bad.

For the good:

You officially have your own money to blow at a casino.

For the bad:

You officially have your own money to blow at a casino.

Fire and foremost, let me just say: gambling is fun. It’s a cool way to spend time, and it’s an exhilarating feeling to be playing a game with so much on the line.

You also get fed free drinks, and there’s nothing better when you’re on a heater and you get to celebrate with a bunch of random strangers who are also benefiting from the same game.

That’s the good part about it. Unfortunately for us common folk, that rarely happens. Normally, it’s the polar opposite. You more commonly find yourself sitting at a blackjack table, completely demoralized, with your head in your palm while thinking, “How the hell did I get to this point?”

That was me this weekend.

Not that I didn’t have a great time in Atlantic City, but, it would have been a much more enjoyable experience had I not blown a ton of money.

First of all, fuck roulette. I’m never playing that game again. At least when I lose in blackjack, I can feel okay about it, knowing that I did everything in my power to win. I just didn’t get the cards. With roulette, however, it’s 100% chance. There’s no rhyme or reason to it and it’s a shitty way to lose your money.

I always thought that I could place a bet, lose, place a slightly larger bet, lose, again place a slightly larger bet, and so on and so forth until I finally won one. The odds say that you have to win sometime, right? The problem with this strategy is that I’m not rich. When all of a sudden your deficit hits triple digits, I’m not really in any position to be dropping $200 on a single bet.

At least when you lose money in Vegas, you can just shrug it off and say, “That’s Vegas for ya.” Saying “That’s Atlantic City for ya,” doesn’t exactly sound quite as reassuring.

Oh well, lesson learned. At least I did it now rather than 10-15 years from now when I actually do have a lot of money… hopefully.

Oh, and I know that there are certain table etiquettes that one must adhere to at the blackjack table, which is fine, you don’t want one idiot screwing the table up for everyone else, but… shit, if I want to ignore “the book” every now and then, let me do it. I don’t need some bitch at the opposite side of the table shaking her head at me and trying to teach me how to play.

During one particular hand, I stayed when I probably shouldn’t have. The bitch at the end of the table ended up losing with her hand, and I won with mine. Then she starts telling me that I needed to hit there, because you have to go by the book.

First of all, fuck you. I won and I don’t give a shit that you lost. Secondly, what the hell “book” are you referring to? The Bible? Harry Potter?

I didn’t realize that there is a holy blackjack book that one must abide by at all costs. That’s just dumb superstitious shit. Then she says that she’s been “playing this game for 10 years.”

Wow. Good for you. I sincerely hope, more than anything, that when I’m in my 30s, that my claim to fame is not that I have been playing the game of Blackjack for 10 years.

Oh well.

That’s Atlantic City for ya.

 

P.S. Leslie Nielsen died today. It’s a sad day, but also a day to reflect in his great life and career. He made millions of people laugh, and that’s more than most people can ever say. RIP.

 

Classic.

A Minor Gripe

I’m about to depart for Atlantic City for the weekend, but before I do that, I would like to voice my discontent with something.

I get coffee every morning from Dunkin Donuts before work. I order a medium coffee, and it costs exactly $2. Pretty expensive for a coffee if you ask me. However, I like their coffee, and it’s on my way to work, so it’s convenient.

I go every day at the same time, order the same thing, and always have $2 ready before they even tell me what the price is.

Their coffee never lets me down, although, earlier this week, they forgot to put milk in. That ruined my morning. So that dissatisfied me. But since it was a one-time occasion, I let it slide.

Today, however, I went back at my usual time. I order my cup of joe, and hand the lady two dollars. All of a sudden, a number pops up on the register that doesn’t read “$2.00,” but instead: “$2.10.”

What. The. Fuck.

I didn’t have any change on me. So I had to lay down a whole extra dollar just so I could get 90 cents back with my coffee. Are you kidding me? $2.10 for a fucking medium coffee?

I know it’s just 10 extra cents, but it’s the goddamn principle. Now I have to remember take a freaking dime with me every morning before I leave my house?

And what is the thought process behind raising the price ten extra cents? Is that really going to boost business? Do you have any idea how much of an inconvenience that is?

Why can’t stores round their prices off to the nearest dollar? Do they have any idea how annoying it is when something costs  $5.20 or $7.05. It’s bullshit.

Horrible showing this week by Dunkin Donuts. $2.10 for a medium coffee… Jesus Christ.

Oh well. AC here I come!

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Want to keep this short and sweet…

Happy Thanksgiving!! I am extremely thankful to all those that take a minute or two out of their day and actually read what I have to say. If you’ve stuck with me since the beginning, well, then… may have God have mercy on  your soul.

If you’ve only become a recent follower, then, welcome! Glad to have you on board and I hope you stay for a while.

And if you just happened to stumble upon this blog accidentally and have no intention to come back, then go fuck yourself!

Have a great day everyone… eat a lot, watch some football, and try to tolerate sitting at a dinner table with your entire family. Don’t worry about how much you’re going to eat today, just hit the gym on Monday.

Oh and tryptophan doesn’t make you sleepy; that’s a myth. So when the inevitable family member makes a remark about that, kindly tell he or she that is has absolutely nothing to do with the turkey, and that the combination of traveling, eating and drinking wine is what is actually causing the drowsiness. Let them know what’s UP.

Gobble gobble!

People Who Talk During Movies

I don’t go to movie theaters as much as I used to anymore, mainly because tickets are ridiculously expensive. It used to be like $5.50 to go to a movie, and now it’s around $13. Or if you’re seeing a movie in 3D, then forget it… that’s an additional five dollars.

It’s crazy.

The economy is in the shitter, but the movie industry is doing better than ever because they’re taking advantage of people who have been directly affected by the economy. Vicious cycle.

I select my movies carefully now. I only see a movie in theaters if it’s a film that I really want to see.

So, bearing that in mind, when I do decide to spend the $13 to $15 dollars to go to the movies, I expect an enjoyable movie experience. I expect the seats to be comfortable, the theater to be not too warm or not too cold, and for the rest of the audience to be respectful. However, that’s just wishful thinking. Especially the last one.

Never, in a million years, will I be able to fathom why people attend a movie and talk throughout the entirety of the film.

First of all, like I stated previously, movies are expensive. I don’t pay $15 to hear people commenting or having a conversation with their friends. Secondly, they paid the same amount of money as me. Did they really just dish out that much cash to go to a movie and not pay attention?! Not only is that a stupid financial decision, but it’s unbelievably disrespectful to the people around you.

Cool… so not only are you very annoying, but you’re also inconsiderate and extremely rude. Congratulations, you are three kinds of asshole.

I can’t even begin to explain how angry this makes me.

Now, I figure most of my readers are civilized, mature individuals who observe a film silently when they decide to frequent the movie theater. I applaud you. You may also be wondering, just as I am, why people do actually decide to waste their money and talk throughout the duration of the film. Well, lucky for you, I have some theories:

a)      Normally the retard is with friends, and is trying to amuse his comrades by making comments during serious moments of the movie. His comrades, being equally retarded, will laugh every time.

b)      The retard will think he’s “too cool” to be in this specific movie, and will pretend like he is above everybody else by not taking it seriously.

c)       Usually the retard is uneducated, and thus probably doesn’t even understand the movie. Instead of trying to understand it, he will make jokes about it as a defense mechanism.

d)      The retard is probably a pussy, and doesn’t expect anyone to talk back to him. If somebody actually confronted him, he would cower in fear.

Unfortunately, I am equally as big of a pussy, and don’t ever say anything, no matter how angry I am getting. Normally, I’ll just give dirty looks in the direction of the perpetrator, and silently hope that they’ll either choke on a piece of popcorn, or that somebody else will tell them to shut up.

All I know is that these people are just as enjoyable as a piece of gum that is stuck to the bottom of my shoe. It is my desire to one day purchase an extra-large coke, just so I can stand up and pour the entire contents of it on the head of one of these people.

As soon as the movie ends, and they turn on the lights, I need to look directly into the face of the asshole that just made my life a living Hell for the past hour and a half. I need to know what this mothafucka looks like. And I need an actual image to direct my hatred towards, as opposed to a darkened, anonymous, face (because the theater is dark – not because he’s black, you racist.)

I am normally a peaceful person, but I wish nothing but terrible things upon people who talk during movies. If you’re that disrespectful to so many people who actually spent their hard-earned money to have an enjoyable moviegoing experience, I can’t even imagine what other shitty things you do. Do us all a favor, and go die.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Oh, and before I go, I should acknowledge that North Korea opened fire on South Korea earlier today, and that the world is on the brink of global war. However, I decided that people talking during movies is a much bigger issue.

A Weekend Full of My Favorite Things

Normally I reserve Sunday nights for weekend recaps. However, I didn’t get around to it last night. But this weekend was so marvelous, that, even though it has been a full day since the weekend ended, I think a recap is still warranted.

So many things occurred this weekend that I love.

There was of course the usual hanging out with friends and drinking in excess, which is never not fun. And also there was the fact that every team I support won this weekend (Knicks twice, Rangers, and the Jets, the latter of which won in spectacular fashion, yet again.) Those things alone normally make for an excellent weekend. But that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

On Saturday afternoon, I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part One in theaters. Now, I absolutely love the Harry Potter books. I used to read them over and over again as a child. However, the movies just never were able to capture the true essence of the books. I thought the third and fourth movies were very solid, and the rest were bleh.

But this one… my God. When you watch this one, you’ll think that they didn’t even try for the first six movies, and that they were saving everything for this one. It was on a whole different level. It was true filmmaking, and true artistry, as opposed to just solely trying to translate a book into a movie. I can’t begin to say enough about how much Dan Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint have improved as actors. They truly carry the film and did a sensational job.

This movie is mainly designed to be the setup to the big finale in part two, but it holds its own weight. And honestly, you probably don’t even need to have seen any of the previous Potter films to enjoy it. As long as you can somehow get a Sparknotes version of the first six books/movies beforehand, you can go and watch it.

It was truly a great way to wrap up the film franchise of the story that played such a big part of my childhood, and I cannot wait for the second part in July.

After Potter, I watched Saturday Night Live over beers with friends. SNL has really picked up its game this season, they have collected a new batch of fresh talent, and really have some young, funny people that are capable of doing great impressions.

But the reason why I was so eager to watch it? The host was… Anne Hathaway. For those keeping score at home, she is #3 in my “Top 5.” I love her. She is extremely beautiful and talented, and she did a fantastic job hosting SNL. There were a couple of very funny skits. I particularly enjoyed this one, which consists of newcomer Vanessa Bayer doing a hilarious Miley Cyrus impression, and Anne Hathaway doing an equally hilarious Kate Holmes impression. Good stuff.

So that was awesome.

Then the next day, after the Jets victory, I watched the American Music Awards, where, guess who performed? Taylor Swift! That’s right… #2 on my “Top 5.” She did a great job as usual. She normally has curly hair, but for the show it was straightened, and she had bangs. She looked very sexy.

Dayummmnnnnn.

The final performance of the AMAs was a performance that I absolutely couldn’t miss. It was a collaboration of the Backstreet Boys and the New Kids on the Block.

Okay, I just heard you say “Wow, what a fag!” from your computer desk. Now that that’s out of the way… hear me out.

I was a toddler when the Backstreet Boys were amidst the pinnacle of their success. I was in Elementary school, and everybody loved them. Did I actually enjoy their music and listen to it regularly? Not really. But I was part of the “TRL generation,” where the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were played almost daily.

If you are somewhere near my age, regardless of your gender, and you can’t admit that hearing the Backstreet Boys doesn’t make you the slightest bit nostalgic, or that you don’t find their songs at least a little catchy… then you are in denial.

Plus, pop music fucking sucks now. I would gladly exchange the shit that you hear now on the radio for what was on a decade-and-a-half ago. No wonder kids are so fucked up these days.

The New Kids on the Block were before my time, so those reading this that are a little older than me can essentially just replace the Backstreet Boys with New Kids on the Block, and the same thing applies.

I wasn’t sure what to expect with the performance, but I was impressed. It has to be difficult to choreograph a five-minute performance between nine people, but they certainly pulled it off. I didn’t watch it with the thought that I was witnessing grown men pathetically trying to relive their glory days, but a group of guys perform their hearts out for the love of the music. Well done, gentlemen.

Okay, I just heard you call me a Fag again. I’m not fucking deaf.

By the way, Justin Bieber won “Artist of the Year” at the awards, sooo that basically eliminates whatever credibility that award show attempted to have. Oh and Katy Perry has a great rack. Too bad she can’t sing for shit.

And that pretty much sums up the weekend. And now, looking ahead, we have a short week, with Thanksgiving coming up on Thursday, which is awesome. Also, the JETS play the night game on Thanksgiving, which is doubly awesome.

Times are good. Times are good, indeed.

Wheel…of… What the Fuck?!

What.

Let me be clear about this; I don’t think this was rigged. Sure, she’s cute, and I could see why somebody would want to receive added benefits by telling her the answer beforehand. However, I don’t think that is the case. Plus it would be illegal.

Even though she makes herself look like a genius with that solve… I think she’s really just a dumb bitch that got extremely lucky. Now bear with me.

When you’re watching Wheel of Fortune at home, and you see the clue, and you see how many letters are in the puzzle, it’s only natural to take an initial stab at what the answer could be before any letters pop up so that you could look smart. But is your guess ever right? Of course not. That is why you actually proceed to play the game.

Unless you have actually been told the answer beforehand, there is no way that you could be 100% irrevocably certain that your guess is correct unless you get some letters to confirm it. She had a guess, obviously, and she decided that one letter was enough to justify the guess.

That’s dumb.

You heard the silence in the audience after she asked Pat Sajack if she could solve the puzzle. That’s because everybody was dumbfounded that she would guess so soon. Every single person in that audience, including Pat – and probably Vanna – was thinking, “… is this broad serious?!” They were expecting her to fail. As they should have, because it’s a stupid strategy. Had she been wrong, it would’ve confirmed everyone’s belief that she is, in fact, an idiot.

She may have gotten it right, but she’s still an idiot.

I’m assuming she’s been cute her whole life, and probably embarrasses herself all the time by doing and saying dumb things. But, of course, when you’re cute, you can get away with it. So, knowing that, she didn’t comprehend how foolish her decision was to guess that soon.

Other proof that she is dumb: If she was THAT certain, then why not guess a letter that appears more than once, thus winning yourself more money. The phrase is “I’ve got a good feeling about this,” and she guessed the letter ‘L’, which appears once. Had she guessed ‘G’, she would’ve won an additional $1,800 dollars. A smart person would’ve considered that. But of course, since she’s a dumbass, that didn’t occur to her.

Even her explanation is retarded. Clearly she’s not accustomed to doing smart things, so just as she didn’t realize how stupid her decision was to guess so soon, she didn’t acknowledge how impressive it was that she got it right, either. Obviously, when something like that happens, you immediately want to know what her thought process was. But instead, she humors us with her dimwitted remark, ‘I had a good feeling about it!” Which I think she said like three times. Yeah, we heard you the first time.

Then, she finally gives some semblance of an explanation: “I saw small words… blah blah blah… I have a good feeling… yada yada, I’m dumb.”

What?

That’s not… anything. Clearly, she saw the puzzle, a phrase popped in her head, and upon seeing that the phrase fit perfectly in the boxes, she assumed it must be right, ignoring any other phrase in the world that also could have fit in the boxes.

Fortunately for her, she happened to be right. It’s the luckiest she’ll ever get in her life, and it just happened to be on national television.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that she’s stupid. There’s obviously some sort of brain flow going on there, but, If I had to guess… I’d say she’s never had to use it and has always relied on her looks to get anywhere in life. Just like me.

That all being said… I’d still have sex with her.

Gym Etiquette

I go to the gym all the time. This should come as no shock to anyone who has seen me and has observed my well sculpted body. Yeah…

Local gyms are great assets to take advantage of. They’re expensive, but, c’mon… let’s face it. If the gym was free, would you actually go? It’s when you throw down the big bucks and a portion of your hard-earned money that you actually feel the proper motivation to go regularly.

And when you work out regularly, it really uplifts everything. You feel good about yourself, first and foremost. Eventually, results will come as you look in the mirror and see a noticeable difference in your physique.  (Side note: I wish I looked at myself in the mirror at all times like how I do when I’m at the gym.)

There are other circumstances that arise where you reap the benefits of working out. Take sports for example. You’ll have more endurance and more strength. As long as you got the talent, you can embarrass people. And that’s always fun.

Also, say you’re walking around at work. A girl is having trouble opening her bottle of water. She asks you to open it, and you do it effortlessly. She looks back at you impressively. You wink back, then walk away at the perfect moment. You’re in.

That has never happened to me.

However, like I said, the most important thing that working out does for you is instill self-confidence. And that goes a long way. Having self-confidence is easily noticeable too, and other people will respect you for it, especially the opposite sex. No one likes a self-esteem lacking little bitch that mopes around and acts like they’ve been given a raw deal in life.

So that’s all good. HOWEVER, there are some things about the gym that do annoy me. There are certain etiquettes and behaviors in gym culture that really tick me off. I know it’s a sweaty, disgusting place… but that doesn’t bother me. I don’t even bother to wipe off machines after I use them (except the treadmill), because no one else does. That’s why you immediately hit the shower when you get home.

But there are other things that annoy me…

–          Wearing hoodies at the gym.

Is that supposed to be stylish? I wasn’t aware that I had to worry about looking sharp while I’m at the gym. Perhaps next time I’ll bust out my finest Abercrombie sweatshirt. Shit, screw that, I’ll go a step further and wear a tux. Then I’ll pass by someone in a hoodie and just go “psshhh.” Plus, it’s about 100 fucking degrees at the gym. It makes you look like an idiot.

–          “Working in.”

No bro, you can’t work in with me. I’ll be done in 10 minutes, wait your goddamn turn. In fact, take five steps back. You’re too close to me. And turn around. Don’t even look at me. Good.

–          People who hog the bench press.

Just like there are girls who go to the gym and just use the cardio equipment for a while, and then leave (and that’s perfectly fine – no one likes a girl with muscles), there are guys that go to the gym solely to use the bench press, and nothing else. This infuriates me greatly. I only use the bench press about once a week. I don’t do it to look tough, but because I need to work out my chest on occasion. However, the one time a week I want to use it, there is some motherfucker that just sits at it and uses it up to 45 minutes at a time. I know it’s wrong, but secretly, I hope he drops it on his face. It’s easy to identify these guys, because they’re the ones that have enormous bellies to go with their enormous biceps. AKA, they have absolutely no clue how to work out.

–          Old men who get naked in the locker room.

Do I really need to elaborate on this one?

–          People that spend more time talking than actually working out.

When did the gym become a social hangout? When I’m at the gym, I want to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. And I also don’t want to overhear your stupid conversations that you are having right next to me. If you want talk, go out on a date. Then you can suck each other’s dicks too if you want. I don’t give a shit. Just don’t do it in front of me while I’m working out.  It’s almost like there is a social hierarchy at the gym. You can tell who the top dog is. He’s the one wearing a hoodie and talking to others about his workout regimen, while he’s not actually working out.

–          Guidos.

These are people I never want to be in a room with, period. But there is nothing you could do about it. Shit, it’s the first letter in their “GTL” creed. Fortunately, I keep a low profile at the gym, so they don’t actually talk to me. I also avoid eye contact because just looking at them makes me feel like I’ll get skin cancer.

–          People who use the treadmill right next to me.

I swear, today I was at the gym, and there were about 10 treadmills open in either direction, and some middle-aged, fat, sweaty slob chooses the treadmill directly to me. What the fuck? C’mon man, give me some space. You couldn’t at least choose the next treadmill over, so that there is one treadmill separating us? I need that buffer, man. It’s the same rule that applies for urinals in a bathroom. Guy code, bro. This does not apply, however, for girls. Which leads me to my next complaint.

–          Incredibly sexy, fit girls that wear tight clothing that heavily accentuates their assets.

Yes, I’m aware that this sounds unbelievably gay, but, it’s just a distraction. I get stressed out enough because of girls as it is. I come to the gym to work out and impress you later, not while I’m there. Plus, I need to be focused, and not preoccupied by the fact that no matter what I could ever possibly say to you, you would still never fuck me.

That’s pretty much it. There’s a lot of good and a lot of bad that comes with the gym. However, I can safely conclude that the good outweighs the bad.

If you don’t belong to a gym, but want to, then I highly recommend that you do it. Just to be extremely wary of all the things I listed above.

Oh, and how can I forget! The single best part about going to the gym? You get to put “gym” in your away message for the entire world to see! There is NOTHING that makes you look cooler than that.

Person of the Year

It’s that time (no pun intended!) of the year again for Time Magazine  to select their person of the year. Time may not be as prestigious as other magazines such as Highlights, or Zoobooks, but it’s still a pretty big honor to win the distinction of person of the year. Today, Time listed their preliminary list of candidates. I saw the list, I surveyed it… but I am not impressed.

Half of the people on the list I’ve never even heard of. The other half consists of Glenn Beck, Lady Gaga, Lebron James, Steve Jobs, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Sarah Palin, the Chilean miners, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Mark Zuckerberg.

Lebron James? Lady Gaga? Are you kidding me? I know this is just the first list of candidates, but you really couldn’t come up with anyone better than that?

Lebron James betrayed an entire city. Lady Gaga betrayed music. Sarah Palin betrayed humanity.

So what am I going to do about it? I’ve decided to compile my own list of candidates for person of the year. People that truly made a difference in this world. Forget Time Magazine, here is the Weinblog’s list of candidates for person of the year:

Jimmy McMillan


THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH! This guy tried his best to make a difference in the world. He represented the every day, average Joe; and for that I commend him. He didn’t give a shit about how crazy he appeared on national television. He believed in something, and he went for it. Heck, he may have even gained enough of a following this year that if he were to run again, people might start taking him seriously. But odds are they will all still think he’s borderline retarded.

The Cigar Hat Guy in the back of the Tiger Woods Photo


I love this guy. I love this guy for not only waking up and deciding to attend to a golf outing one day, but to also wear that ridiculous hat, smoke that ridiculous cigar, and somehow manage to make his way to the very forefront of the crowd when Tiger Woods was shooting. Have you ever seen anybody look more out-of-place in any photo, ever? And just think of this in the eyes of the person that took this photo. You do this job, so that one day, you will take a photograph that will be remembered forever. This man managed to be situated in the perfect position. He snapped the shot at the exact moment when the ball was hovering right over him, so that everyone in attendance, including Tiger Woods, was staring right at him. He probably woke up the next day ready to hear his photo compared to other famous photos in our history… only to hear everybody talking about this weird ass cigar hat dude. Talk about getting your thunder stolen! How can you not love that?!

An Avatar


This is a no-brainer. The indigenous species that captured America’s heart. How can they not be in consideration? Oh yeah, probably because in the movie, they beat the shit out of us. But, hey, we deserved it. In all seriousness, Avatar took the world by storm this year. The film had unprecedented success in the box office. Not only can Avatars kick our ass in just about anything, but, none of the world’s biggest problems would exist today if we adapted their philosophy and lifestyles. We would all be at peace. For their efforts, they get a nomination.

Justin Bieber


Say what you want about J-Biebs. Say that he possesses no talent; say he sounds like a eunuch, or that he has the appearance of a middle-aged lesbian. It may all be true. But either way, this man – err, this boy, has managed to capture the heart of every 13-year-old girl… something that I have been trying to do for years. ONLY KIDDING. Either way, that is quite an amazing accomplishment. Do I have Bieber Fever? Hell no. I’d rather have Typhoid Fever. I don’t like his music at all – I’m not supposed to. But I respect him. He’s 16 years old now, and has more money than any of us will ever have in their lives. Unless Bill Gates is reading this. But I doubt it. But just in case he is… just know that I am currently writing the first draft of this blog on Microsoft Word.

Paul the Octopus


Forget everything I’ve said. Give the award to Paul, right now. For those unaware, Paul the Octopus was an octopus that selected the winner of every one of Germany’s matches in this past World Cup. What they did is put crates in front of him that were filled with clams, or some food… too lazy to look it up, and they’d put the flag of one of the teams on each crate. Whatever crate he chose represented the team that he was choosing to win. He got every single one right. That is fucking amazing. If I had a magic octopus like Paul, I would never be poor. I’d have him select not only sports games, but lottery numbers, have him project the stock market, real estate, etc. Nobody has accomplished anything more impressive than what Paul did earlier this year. Unfortunately, he died like a month ago… so somebody else would have to accept the award on his behalf.

Rex Ryan


This 800-pound man has helped not only rejuvenate a football team, but an entire city and an entire sport. For years, the Jets were the second-tier team in New York while the Giants got the back page. Since Rex took over, that has changed. The Jets are New York’s team, so much so that they were given their own television series during training camp. Rex Ryan could say absolutely anything, and I’d believe him. Is he an enormous, fat slob? Maybe. Does he take the term “all you can eat buffet” a little too literally? Perhaps. But as long as he brings a super bowl to the Jets, I couldn’t care less.

The Situation


Is this man a colossal douchebag? Undoubtedly. He’s the king of the douchebags. He is what all douchebags strive to be. He’s glamorized the act of being a douchebag. He’s made the behavior of douchebaggery socially acceptable. He has put the entire state of New Jersey to shame. He’s made every normal person feel a lot better about themselves. Just look at all that. That is quite a rap sheet, and a hell of a lot to accomplish in the span of a year. He at least has to be in consideration for the person of the year for the great impact he has had on our culture. Plus he gets more girls in a month that I do in a year. Gotta respect that.

p.s. this is the first and – HOPEFULLY – last time I ever post a picture of a shirtless man on my blog.

Me


Last… but certainly not least. Now I do not like to toot my own horn (that’s what she said?), but I think I’ve accomplished a lot in the past year. It has almost been a year – 11 months to be exact – since I started this blog, and during that time, I have also written over 200 eloquent, insightful, inspiring entries. My work has graced the households of thousands and thousands of people across our great world. I’m also doing my best to eradicate all of the foolish behavior that I see on a day-to-day basis. I’ve taken on facebook, the government, facebook again, and Lady Gaga. I’d also like to think of myself as very influential. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying that I deserve to win; I just deserve to be considered. And to win. Obviously you agree, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading my blog right now. Shit, it’s my fucking award, I can nominate myself if I want to. Deal with it.

Aaaaaand those are the candidates for the Weinblog’s person of the year award. Without question, the winner of this title will have been given a much greater honor than whomever is bestowed with the distinction of Time Magazine’s person of the year.

It will be a very, very tough decision for my expert panel, which consists of me, my cat Pebbles and Ask Jeeves.