Happy New Year, Kids!

Yay!

Believe it or not, but the one-year anniversary of the Weinblog came and went on the 18th, and I didn’t say a word about it.I suppose it is noteworthy, but didn’t feel like it warranted any type of celebration. But it’s pretty remarkable that it has been over a year already.

We started in 2009, and the next blog after this will occur in 2011. Yep, I can count.

2010 was a pretty great year for me. It started out kind of shitty, but got progressively better through out the year, and I expect big things in 2011.

This will be my last blog for the year, because tomorrow afternoon I am heading to Atlantic City (…again) to party with a bunch of friends. It should be an amazing time, and I fully expect to spend tons and tons of money. Bottles services and hoes ain’t cheap, yo.

Atlantic City checklist:

Wad of 20s? Check

Bottle of Jack Daniels? Check

Haircut? Check

Nice clothes? Check

Condoms? Shit, knew I forgot something.

But seriously, I hope that everybody has a healthy and happy new years, and you can bet your ass that the Weinblog will come back strong in 2011, and the year after that, and the year after that.

Oh and how overrated is the actual moment of New Years? Honestly, that is my least favorite time of the night. This year, I hope that I’m so drunk that I won’t even be able to process that it is midnight on New Years.

This is the normal process for me as the year winds down:

11:55: Oh man, five minutes until the New Year! Look at all these assholes standing around me. I don’t like any of them. I want to kick somebody in the shin.You know what’s a good movie? Good Will Hunting.

11:56: If I were to text somebody on the west coast telling them that the New Year happened, would I be spoiling it for them? Shit, I just finished my drink. Do I go and get myself a new one and risk missing New Years? This is my worst nightmare.

11:57: You know what game I never understood? Parcheesi. Is it a board game? A dice game? I just don’t get it. Woah, I think I have to throw up. Oh no. Hold I t in. Don’t let it happen.

11:58: Okay, I think I’m good now. I wonder what Mark Zuckerberg is doing for New Years? He’s made more money in the past five minutes than I have in my entire life. Oh shit, it’s almost New Years. Focus, David. I need to find a girl to kiss. Let’s see.. how about this one? Ew, no, she has a mole.

11:59: One more minute! Oh great, everybody’s starting to count now. I’m going to start a USA chant and see where it goes. USA! USA! USA! No? Oh well, worth a shot. Hey, 10 seconds away! I have to pee. 5 seconds. 4…3…2..1…

12:00: JKFE648^&(o9^^^$Yhj~!]{{kbchjcnvsdJKFYWOOPAAAAHJJJB!!!!!! THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT EVER!!

12:01: *Throws up*

Happy New Years, everyone! Just remember, don’t make any resolutions, don’t have any date nights, and don’t say any things like “yo brah,” and everything will be alright.

And an extra special Happy New years to all my closest friends out there. You know who you are… Taylor Swift, Anne Hathaway, Mark Zuckerberg, Maria Sharapova, Justin Bieber, Ke$ha and Lady Gaga. MY CREW.

New Year’s Resolutions

Making a list...

It’s that time of the year.

The time of the year when people say, “Oh, just because it’s a new year… I’m going to completely change the way I live. I could have implemented this change at any other point throughout the course of my life, but I haven’t. And magically, I’m going to do it now, starting on January 1st.”

I’m not even going to ask if any one has ever actually succeeded with their New Year’s resolution for an entire year. Because no one has. Ever. What I am wondering is if anyone has actually lasted a WEEK maintaining their resolution? Even that would surprise me.

Here are the typical New Year’s resolutions:

“I want to lose weight.”

Sorry fatty, it’s not going to happen. Just because a giant ball drops and you purchased a new desk calendar, it doesn’t mean you are suddenly going to gain the mental fortitude and resolve needed to maintain a steady diet. Losing weight isn’t even that difficult; especially if you’re fat. Just eat a little less per day, and you’ll lose weight. Maybe even incorporate some exercise. But you won’t. You’d rather eat doughnuts and complain about being fat.  Because you’re a fat fatty. You have been your entire life, and there’s no reason you’re going to stop now. Perhaps, one day, you’ll hit enough of a low point that you will successfully go on a diet, but it’s not happening this week.

“I want to quit smoking.”

There’s no logical reason to smoke, ever. Smoking is for the mentally weak. People that can’t handle stressful situations or their emotions, so they think having a cigarette cures all. They’re not strong-willed enough to handle reality without the aid of nicotene. Yeah, sure, there’s that whole “addiction” crap. But that’s just an excuse.

Smoking kills you. It shortens your life. Everybody knows this. Yet millions of people still do it. Probably because they know that they’re so mentally weak that they won’t accomplish anything in life anyway, so they might as well die early. I’m not trying to sound all high and mighty and say that I’m better than you because I don’t smoke. I’m better than you for several other reasons.

“I want to be nicer to people.”

Really? You need to actually make it a resolution for that to happen? If you’re actually that shitty of a person that you need to make this your resolution, then don’t even bother. Because everyone in your life probably hates you already. Since you’re a dick. Even your family. If you have pets, they probably hate you too. You could even become the nicest person in the world starting January 1st, but it won’t matter, because everyone already thinks you are a dick. And nothing will change that.

“I want to get my life on track.”

Admirable. But, again, life-changing decisions like this require a lot of inner strength, and that is not something you are going to simply gain because it’s a new year. So shut up.

“I want to get a better job.”

Eh, the economy sucks. Just be grateful for the job that you have. Plus, if you were smart and able enough, you probably wouldn’t be stuck at the dead-end job that you have now. Basically, you’re fucked, and you missed your window a while ago. Just take the paycheck and be happy.

“I want to start a family.”

So you’re single, alone and desperate. I’m guessing 2010 wasn’t a good year for you. And damn, men are going to love taking advantage of you this year. Good luck!

“I want to hit the gym and bulk up.”

Listen Pauly D, you don’t want to do this. The Jersey Shore era is over, and you are making a grave mistake. Guidos are no longer considered lovable douchebags, and are going back to being douchebags. It’s like in the days of Feudalism when they had “fools” or “jesters,” whose purpose of existence was to provide entertainment for everyone else by constantly embarrassing themselves. That’s what guidos are. Is that what you want?

“I want to be more assertive and stop letting people walk all over me.”

Listen pansy, you’ve let people walk all over you entire life. What the hell makes you think it’s going to stop now? You think you’re suddenly going to grow some balls and be able to tell people off? You think you’ve discovered an effective way to combat bullying? Well, you haven’t. You’re a loser. A nobody. And it’ll always be that way. So don’t waste your time.  And go get me a soda.

No, come back! I was kidding! That’s exactly what your problem is. If you can’t stand up to me, you’ll never stand up to anybody. But yeah, grow a fucking pair, and stop taking shit from people. Also, grow some self-confidence. If you walk around hunched over and with a defeated expression on your face, then you’re a walking target for people to walk all over you. Man up.

“I want to quit drinking.”

What?! WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING? TAKE IT BACK. TAKE IT BACK NOW.

“I want to start a blog.”

Ah, finally. Now there is a reasonable resolution! Starting a blog makes you the coolest guy at a party, and gets you tons of pussy. Not that that’s been the case for me, but I know somebody else that started a blog, and that’s what he told me.

And those are the typical New Year’s resolutions. I hope I’ve officially ruined everyone’s week, and discouraged everyone from making a silly, unattainable resolution for 2011.

Seriously, though, here is my advice. Don’t make a resolution. What’s the point? If you want to accomplish something, then just simply be the best you that you could possibly be. And that’s all anybody can really ask for. If you live life the right away, make good friendships, and work hard, then you’ll find happiness. Let life come to you, bro.

If you do that, 2011, will be a good one. Fatty.

Date Night part 2

In light of the popularity of my original Date Night blog, I have created a sequel for your enjoyment. Because the Weinblog always gives the people what they want. I’m not linking you to the original Date Night blog this time. Look it up yourself, dipshits.

You all know how terrible it is. We all dread it. It’s a lose-lose situation. For everybody.

It is… Date Night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Awesome Guy: Yo Loser, what are you doing tonight?

Loser: Nothing… why what’s up?

Awesome Guy: We’re all hitting the new club tonight. You in?

Loser: Hell yeah. But first I have to check with the girl.

Awesome Guy: Why are you even still allowed to have a penis?

Loser: What?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[at Loser’s apartment]

Loser’s Girlfriend: I can’t wait to watch TV with you tonight!

Loser: Yeah… actually, I was thinking, um, I think I may go out with the guys tonight. If that’s okay with you, of course…

Loser’s Girlfriend: Don’t be ridiculous, you hate going out.

Loser: What? That’s not true.

Loser’s Girlfriend: Fine, go. Leave me all alone.

Loser: Now you’re making me feel guilty.

Loser’s Girlfriend: No, go out. Have fun. [starts to cry] I’ll just stay here… all alone…

Loser: But… but…

Loser’s Girlfriend: [still crying] Do you not like being with me?

Loser: Of course I do!

Loser’s Girlfriend: [instantly stops crying] Great! So you’ll stay with me tonight, then.

Loser: [sigh] Alright.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Awesome Guy: … Yeah, so we’ll get wasted beforehand, and then we’ll go and hit the club and find some chicks.

Awesome Guy’s Friend: Nice. Sounds good.

Awesome Guy: Wait, hold on a second, my phone is ringing. Oh, it’s Loser. [answers phone] Wassup Loser?

Loser: [through phone] Sorry man, I can’t make it out tonight.

Awesome Guy: Shocking.

Loser: I tried, man.

Awesome Guy: Nah, you didn’t.

Loser: I did!

Awesome Guy: You didn’t try.

Loser: How would you even know that? I wanted to come!

Awesome Guy: I can’t even hear you anymore because your gayness is actually seeping through the phone.

Loser: That… doesn’t even make sense.

Awesome Guy: Alright, can’t talk anymore. Gotta go. You’re a fag. Bye. [hangs up]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Awesome Guy and friends arrive at bar]

Awesome Guy’s Friend: Hey look at that sign! It says “cool people drink free tonight!”

Awesome Guy: Should you ever doubt me? Ever?

Awesome Guy’s Friend: Never.

Awesome Guy: Damn right. Now let’s go have a night, fellas. It’s go time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[back at the apartment…]

Loser: Okay, since I agreed to stay with you tonight, can we at least do something fun?

Loser’s Girlfriend: Absolutely! But first, I need to ask you something.

Loser: What?

Loser’s Girlfriend: Where are we, Loser?

Loser: In my apartment…

Loser’s Girlfriend: No, I mean where are we? Like in our relationship?

Loser: Oh God.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Awesome Guy is making out with an extremely hot girl. Finally, he steps aside and goes to his friend]

Awesome Guy: Oh man, I’m so wasted! This is awesome!

Awesome Guy’s Friend: Another great night man! By the way, where’s Loser?

Awesome Guy: Date night again!

Awesome Guy’s Friend: There are two dudes making out in the corner of this bar over there. And even that is straighter than what you just said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[back at apartment…]

Loser’s Girlfriend: …and it’s just.. I don’t know, that.. my friends all think we should put some type of label on our relationship. What do you think? Are you even listening?

Loser: …What? Yeah, of course… label. I think that’s what you said. I agree.

Loser’s Girlfriend: You asshole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Awesome Guy is doing a kegstand while the entire bar cheers him on. He finishes.]

Awesome Guy: I love this place!

Awesome Guy’s Friend: Wooooh!

Owner: Hello gentlemen. I am the owner of this establishment. I couldn’t help but notice how awesome you guys are. I want to give you this club, free of charge.

Awesome Guy’s Friend: This is the BEST NIGHT EVER.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[apartment…]

Loser’s Girlfriend: So, I think we should officially move in together. Do you agree?

Loser: If I say yes, can we have sex?

Loser’s Girlfriend: Ugh, you’re sick. We are over! [storms out of apartment]

Loser: Hmm, maybe I should have went out tonight. Eh, I doubt they actually did anything fun…

Am I a Prophet?

Time and time again, things will occur that make me believe I have magical powers. Most of the time, it turns out that it is not the case. Alright, all of the time.

This time, I am wondering if I have prophetic abilities.

My initial inkling tells me, “No, David. You are not a prophet. You are just a normal human.”

However, on my blog last Tuesday, when I was discussing last week’s lunar eclipse, I mentioned how funny I find it when our society becomes overly infatuated with the weather. The example I gave… was a snowstorm.

My exact words were:

Why do people care? Why are people so infatuated with the weather and other astronomical events? Ooh, a snowstorm! Let’s talk about it!

Lo and behold, merely five days later, a snowstorm occurs. Coincidence? I think not. Sure, you say, I could have just looked up the weather reports and discovered that a snowstorm was coming. Technological improvements over the years have allowed us to predict the weather not only weeks, but months, in advance.

However, even the meteorologists were not aware of this impending storm. They knew that snow was coming, but did not know where. I think it was on Friday that the storm redirected itself our way. New York wasn’t supposed to get anything. And certainly nobody was predicting a Nor’easter.

So, the only real explanation is that I have special powers. I suppose it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise, really.

The big question becomes — upon discovering that you have special powers — what do I do with these powers? Do I share them with the rest of the world and use them for the greater good? Or do I selfishly keep them to myself and use them to better my personal situation in any way possible?

The answer is very easy. Keep them to myself. Very simple choice. Didn’t even have to think about it.

I’m just curious as to what else I am capable of.

Ooh, Taylor Swift is in my bedroom! Let’s talk about it!

Ooh, my blog was featured on the front page of every single news outlet in the world! Let’s talk about it!

Ooh, Facebook doesn’t exist anymore! Let’s talk about it!

If one of those things comes true within the next five days, I will be very happy. Perhaps they are a little far-fetched, but how else will I know?

Or maybe I don’t have special powers. Perhaps this is God’s way of giving me the finger. I was harmlessly mocking the way people obsess over the weather, and sure enough, a snowstorm hits and every news channel is sending out reporters to stand like morons in the snow to interview people about how cold it is.

I guess I shouldn’t hate too much, it is those morons that give me all of my material.

Oh well. I will certainly keep you all updated as I continue the investigation on this matter.

In the meantime, I advise everybody to stay warm, and not to drive too fast on the roads. I’m curious as to what will happen if I wake up tomorrow and see that we’ve been hit with 12-14 inches of snow, as is predicted. I wonder whether I will have to go to work or not. It may actually be a genuine snow day. Now if THAT happens, there will be absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am a prophet (see my blog 12 days ago), and thus I will immediately commence a full-out cleaning of my room to prepare for Taylor swift’s arrival.

Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals!

Merry Xmas!

All of us here at The Weinblog™ (AKA, me, my cat Pebbles and my imaginary pet reindeer Marvin) would like to wish everybody a very Merry Christmas! I hope all of you get everything that you wished for.

For my Jewish readers out there… well, just, um, have a good day.

While it wasn’t quite a white Christmas, it is very cold, and it did snow a tiny bit a couple of days ago.

I myself am enjoying a 3-day weekend from work, while many bastards out there are amidst an extended vacation until after the new year. Fuck off!

If I’m grateful for anything this Christmas, it’s the fact that it’ll be another year until I have to hear 87 different versions of “Last Christmas” on the radio. You know you can’t physically give somebody your heart, right? It’s the most vital organ in our bodies. You’d die. Giving your heart to somebody is not plausible. It pisses me off.

But what I am grateful for: classic Christmas movies. There is nothing better than the Christmas Story. I absolutely love that movie, and it will never feel like Christmas without it. I remember last year I said that It’s A Wonderful Life is overrated, but I’d like to take the time to officially rescind that statement.  It’s a very delightful movie. But the way people talk it up, it’s easy to be disappointed with it after just one viewing.

However, when you see it again, you realize how enjoyable it is, and how great Jimmy Stewart is. He is definitely one of my favorite actors of all time.

This year, one of my gifts was the Avatar extended collector’s edition DVD. It’s been just about a full year since that movie came out, and I still love it just as much. I haven’t talked about it in a while though. But I am going to watch it some point this afternoon, and it is going to be magnificent. There’s no better place to spend Christmas than in Pandora.

Alright, I don’t want to keep you anymore. So go grab some coffee, snuggle up in front of the fireplace while in your pajamas, and enjoy the rest of your day.

What is the Most Effective Way to Pick up Girls at the Mall?

Believe it or not, I braved Roosevelt Field today. I guess it’s my own fault for waiting until the last minute to do Christmas shopping.

I went at around 3:30, because I knew anytime after 5 would be chaotic.

It wasn’t THAT bad. Obviously there was a little bit of traffic getting to the mall, there was a lot of people inside the mall, and long lines at practically every store. but after an hour, I managed to find what I needed and get out before rush hour hit.

I was expecting to see a lot of douchebags and assholes while I was there, and they were probably were there,  but I didn’t notice. I didn’t notice because I was distracted by all the hot chicks that were at the mall today.

Dayumn.

Is that normal? Or is it just a seasonal thing? I don’t go to the mall that seldom that I wouldn’t have noticed it before. I mean, sure, there are thousands and thousands of people at Roosevelt Field at any given time, so basic logic says there will be plenty of attractive girls there. But I felt like today was abnormal. Like the average girl that I saw today was an 8.

It could just be that I am sexually repressed at the moment and I am overrating every girl, but there were some chicks I saw that forced me to do a double take. I even followed one up the escalator. Had she known, I’m sure she would have been extremely creeped out.

The problem is: I can’t think of a worse place to meet girls than at the mall. Nobody goes to the mall to seek romance. They have a single purpose while at the mall, and that one purpose is the only thing on their mind. Anything else is an inconvenience.

It just seems like such a waste. So many attractive specimens in one place and no opportunity to court them. There must be a way. There just has to!

It’s just so stressful. So many good-looking women in this world and we’re living in a monogamous society. Not that it would make any difference in my case, anyway, but perhaps the proud people of Utah are on to something with their polygamous ways.

I really can’t think of any ways to go about this. Offer to carry their bags? “Accidentally” knock them over and then be extremely apologetic, hopefully leading to a conversation? Try to rob the mall and take them as my hostage?

Suggestions are certainly welcome. I may even have to go back to the mall again tomorrow. And the next day.

But in the meantime I need to work on my game yo.