New Year’s Resolutions

Making a list...

It’s that time of the year.

The time of the year when people say, “Oh, just because it’s a new year… I’m going to completely change the way I live. I could have implemented this change at any other point throughout the course of my life, but I haven’t. And magically, I’m going to do it now, starting on January 1st.”

I’m not even going to ask if any one has ever actually succeeded with their New Year’s resolution for an entire year. Because no one has. Ever. What I am wondering is if anyone has actually lasted a WEEK maintaining their resolution? Even that would surprise me.

Here are the typical New Year’s resolutions:

“I want to lose weight.”

Sorry fatty, it’s not going to happen. Just because a giant ball drops and you purchased a new desk calendar, it doesn’t mean you are suddenly going to gain the mental fortitude and resolve needed to maintain a steady diet. Losing weight isn’t even that difficult; especially if you’re fat. Just eat a little less per day, and you’ll lose weight. Maybe even incorporate some exercise. But you won’t. You’d rather eat doughnuts and complain about being fat.  Because you’re a fat fatty. You have been your entire life, and there’s no reason you’re going to stop now. Perhaps, one day, you’ll hit enough of a low point that you will successfully go on a diet, but it’s not happening this week.

“I want to quit smoking.”

There’s no logical reason to smoke, ever. Smoking is for the mentally weak. People that can’t handle stressful situations or their emotions, so they think having a cigarette cures all. They’re not strong-willed enough to handle reality without the aid of nicotene. Yeah, sure, there’s that whole “addiction” crap. But that’s just an excuse.

Smoking kills you. It shortens your life. Everybody knows this. Yet millions of people still do it. Probably because they know that they’re so mentally weak that they won’t accomplish anything in life anyway, so they might as well die early. I’m not trying to sound all high and mighty and say that I’m better than you because I don’t smoke. I’m better than you for several other reasons.

“I want to be nicer to people.”

Really? You need to actually make it a resolution for that to happen? If you’re actually that shitty of a person that you need to make this your resolution, then don’t even bother. Because everyone in your life probably hates you already. Since you’re a dick. Even your family. If you have pets, they probably hate you too. You could even become the nicest person in the world starting January 1st, but it won’t matter, because everyone already thinks you are a dick. And nothing will change that.

“I want to get my life on track.”

Admirable. But, again, life-changing decisions like this require a lot of inner strength, and that is not something you are going to simply gain because it’s a new year. So shut up.

“I want to get a better job.”

Eh, the economy sucks. Just be grateful for the job that you have. Plus, if you were smart and able enough, you probably wouldn’t be stuck at the dead-end job that you have now. Basically, you’re fucked, and you missed your window a while ago. Just take the paycheck and be happy.

“I want to start a family.”

So you’re single, alone and desperate. I’m guessing 2010 wasn’t a good year for you. And damn, men are going to love taking advantage of you this year. Good luck!

“I want to hit the gym and bulk up.”

Listen Pauly D, you don’t want to do this. The Jersey Shore era is over, and you are making a grave mistake. Guidos are no longer considered lovable douchebags, and are going back to being douchebags. It’s like in the days of Feudalism when they had “fools” or “jesters,” whose purpose of existence was to provide entertainment for everyone else by constantly embarrassing themselves. That’s what guidos are. Is that what you want?

“I want to be more assertive and stop letting people walk all over me.”

Listen pansy, you’ve let people walk all over you entire life. What the hell makes you think it’s going to stop now? You think you’re suddenly going to grow some balls and be able to tell people off? You think you’ve discovered an effective way to combat bullying? Well, you haven’t. You’re a loser. A nobody. And it’ll always be that way. So don’t waste your time.  And go get me a soda.

No, come back! I was kidding! That’s exactly what your problem is. If you can’t stand up to me, you’ll never stand up to anybody. But yeah, grow a fucking pair, and stop taking shit from people. Also, grow some self-confidence. If you walk around hunched over and with a defeated expression on your face, then you’re a walking target for people to walk all over you. Man up.

“I want to quit drinking.”


“I want to start a blog.”

Ah, finally. Now there is a reasonable resolution! Starting a blog makes you the coolest guy at a party, and gets you tons of pussy. Not that that’s been the case for me, but I know somebody else that started a blog, and that’s what he told me.

And those are the typical New Year’s resolutions. I hope I’ve officially ruined everyone’s week, and discouraged everyone from making a silly, unattainable resolution for 2011.

Seriously, though, here is my advice. Don’t make a resolution. What’s the point? If you want to accomplish something, then just simply be the best you that you could possibly be. And that’s all anybody can really ask for. If you live life the right away, make good friendships, and work hard, then you’ll find happiness. Let life come to you, bro.

If you do that, 2011, will be a good one. Fatty.

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