As you all may recall, I tried out for American Idol last year. I waited on line for hours, I sang my bit, but unfortunately, it didn’t work out. It was a little demoralizing, sure, but I knew that it wasn’t the end of my singing career.
I thought, maybe I should go about this the actual hard-working way, and hire an agent, do some gigs, take vocal lessons, and try to get a record deal. But, then I thought… fuck that, it’s American Idol or bust.
So, as soon as I heard that auditions were occurring again, I hopped on the first train. I knew that it was going to be a new panel of judges, and it disappointed me greatly that I will never get to be on the show while Simon was there, but, it is what it is. Plus, I had to try out for the first set of judges before I even get to the main judges anyway. Goodbye Simon, hello Jenny from the block.
When the time came, I set out to the audition location in New York City, and was astounded to discover how long the lines were upon my arrival. However, it was something that I expected. I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and finally, I got to the front of the line… and knew it was my time to shine.
Here is exactly what happened, word for word:
Me: Hello sir, my name is David Weingrad, I’m from Long Island, and I’m the next American Idol!
Judge: [stares blankly]
Me: So, should I… just go…
Judge: [continues to stare blankly]
Me: Okay, I’m a little nervous, but here we go… [clears voice] Somewheeeeere, over the raaainbooow, way up high…
Judge: Um, sir…
Me: There’s aaaaa land that I heaaard of, once in a lullabyyyyyy…
Me: Somewheeeere, over the rain-
Judge: Stop singing!
Me: Are you telling me to stop because I’m so good that you don’t need to hear anymore?
Judge: No. I’m telling you to stop because this is not American Idol.
Me: …What are you saying?
Judge: This is an American Airlines airport.
Me: So… so… this isn’t a singing competition?
Judge: Probably the farthest thing from it.
Me: You’re not a judge?
Judge: No, I’m an airport attendant.
Me: I don’t wanna clooose my eyes, I don’t wanna fall asleep, cuz I’d miss you baby, and I don’t want to miss a thing…
Attendant: Please stop. You’re awful.
Me: Am I going to Hollywood?
Attendant: Well, you can purchase a ticket to Hollywood if you’d like. It cost $250 dollars.
Me: For the second round?
Attendant: No. Jesus Christ, you idiot. I told you, this is not American Idol.
Me: Wait… what about this? [pulls something out of wallet]
Attendant: That’s an American Express credit card.
Me: What about this? [pulls something else out of wallet]
Attendant: That’s an American University student I.D.
Me: What about this? [points at something]
Attendant: That’s a shoe.
Me: Sweet Caroline, oh oh oh!
Attendant: For the love of god. [pulls out walkie-talkie] Security, we have a situation in the north wing. Please come immediately.
[Security guard walks over.]
Security Guard: What’s up?
Attendant: Please take him away.
Security Guard: Him?! Is he a threat to national security?
Attendant: No. He just can’t sing for shit.
Security Guard: Oh, come on! He can’t be that bad. Let’s hear it, kid.
Me: Caaaaaannn you feel the looooove tonight? It is where we aaarreee…
Security Guard: Oh, god. [pulls out walkie-talkie] All units to the north wing, we have a code red. I repeat, a code red.
Me: …what’s happening?
Security Guard: [pulls out gun and fires it in the air] EVERYBODY DOWN! WE HAVE THIS SITUATION UNDER CONTROL!
[The security guard detains me and begins to carry me away. Everybody cheers.]
Security Guard: You won’t be hearing from this one for a long time, folks.
Well, in the end, it didn’t go exactly how I would have liked. But after a little bit of paperwork and a small bribe, I managed to work my way out of airport detainment. I just had to sign an agreement that I would not sing again for a full year. Which works out perfectly, actually, because guess what is exactly one year away? American Idol 2012!
I’ll be back.