How to get SWAG

Hello everybody. While I usually take Fridays and Saturdays off blog from blogging, I make an effort to blog on Sundays, but, yesterday I decided to take the day off.

Last week, I found myself fishing for topics to discuss, and the results were mediocre (for my standards, at least). That’s why I decided to use Sunday as a blog-free mental health day.

And it worked. I feel like how a depressed, tormented artist does when they go through their one month stretch of euphoria and over that time paint hundreds and hundreds of beautiful portraits during that short span that make them famous. (seriously — that’s how most of the famous artists lived.)

I woke up this morning with myriads of topics swimming around in my head, and now I’m eager to get started. So let’s go.

Today’s topic…

SWAG.

First of all: what is swag? It’s a very hard term to define. It’s something one possesses, yet it’s not a physical thing. It’s simply that you do have it… or you don’t.

Urban Dictionary (which, unbelievably, would be the best resource for such a topic) defines swag as such:

The way in which you carry yourself. Swag is made up of your overall confidence, style, and demeanor. Swag can also be expanded to be the reputation of your overall swagger. You gain swag, or “Swag up”, by performing swag worthy actions that improve this perception. A person can also “swag down,” by being an overall pussy and garnering negative swag for their actions. Swag is a subtle thing that many strive to gain but few actually attain. It is reserved for the most swagalicious of people. Swag can also be quantified, with point systems existing in some circles of friends.

That’s a pretty good definition if you ask me. But the important question is not “what is swag?” but… “how does one acquire swag?”

Ah, the age-old question. The greatest philosophers in the world, Plato, Aristole, Socrates, spent years of their lives trying to determine this very thing. But here’s the problem: they didn’t have any swag.

You can’t define swag if you don’t have it. It’s something you feel. And how do I know this? Well, that leads me perfectly into the first rule of acquiring swag:

1) Knowing that you have swag.

This is crucial, but also dangerous. The biggest key to having swag is being confident. However, the easiest way to “de-swag” yourself is to be overconfident. You want people to admire you, not despise you. If you walk around thinking that you are better than everyone else, well, then, you have no swag and you never did.

But confidence is everything. You can’t ever expect anyone to believe in you if you don’t believe in yourself. How can you accomplish this? Here’s how you start:

Look in the mirror every morning and find one thing that you like about yourself. And remember it. Whatever you choose, make it your manifesto. Use it as motivation. Constantly remind yourself about this thing, and be proud of it.

One you accomplish this, then you can start getting accustomed to the idea of having self-confidence. Keep looking in the mirror, and find new things that you like about yourself. That way, you start your day in a good mood, and you’re ready for what the rest of the day may bring. Which brings me to my next point of how to acquire — and maintain — swag.

2) Don’t let others ruin your swag.

This world is chock full of unappreciative, self-loathing, miserable people. They treat every day like they’re on a sinking ship, and all they want to do is bring others down with them.

We call these people “swag-enemies.”

Don’t let these people bring you down. Let whatever insults they throw at you roll right off your skin. In fact, smile at them, and don’t be afraid to even laugh along with whatever they say to you. Once they notice your unassuming, modest demeanor, they’ll realize it’s a lost cause, and maybe you’ll even gain their respect (not that you even need it.)

This is key. Letting other people drag you down is the easiest way to lose your swag. But, in truth, they just sense your swag and it makes them feel worse about themselves. It’s not your fault. Besides, who cares what they think about you? If you know you got swag (see rule #1), than their opinion does not matter.

But, remember, don’t just reserve your smiles for them. Smile at everyone. Be friendly. Having swag doesn’t isolate you from the rest of society. That’s another way to lose your swag. True swag means full acceptance of all people. No one in this world is not good enough for you. No one.

But that doesn’t mean that you still can’t flaunt your swag. Which brings me to rule #3.

3) Don’t slouch.

Seeing a person slouch is the easiest way to detect lack-of-swag. Walking around with a defeated expression, and acting like you’ve been given a raw hand in life is the antithesis of swag.

Body language is everything. Step strongly, hold your head high, and you will automatically have a commanding presence. People will know when you are there. In the rare case that you ever do find yourself slouching, stand up straight and remind yourself of those things that you like about yourself. It should have an immediate effect.

4) Look your best.

Now I’m not saying you need to hit up the mall right now and buy some expensive clothing; just do the best with what you can. How you present yourself is an important part of the swag-process.

Most importantly, do NOT try to look like somebody else. Be yourself, and make sure that you are comfortable with what you wear. Most importantly, wear whatever gives you the most confidence.

5) Set daily expectations for yourself.

These expectations don’t have to be monumental. Don’t reinvent the wheel here. Set expectations in the morning. Simple things like “Have a good day at work,” or “Have a positive interaction with one of your co-workers,” or “Catch up with so-and-so who you haven’t talked to in a while.” Things like that. If you completed this one simple task, then you reached your expectations, and you maintained your swag.

6) Stay positive all day long.

The day is 24 hours long. It’s a long time, I know. Being happy for half of it is not good enough. Don’t ever let the little things in life take away from your swag. If you feel like life is becoming repetitive, set new, reachable expectations for yourself.

Having swag is not a part-time job.

7) Fine-tune your swag.

Swag is like fashion. It changes and evolves every day. Since there’s no one definition for it, you have to use your swag-instincts and figure it out yourself. Perhaps make small adjustments in your social life, like cutting out a bad influence in your life, or adding a new word to your vocabulary. There’s no one way to go about it, so be creative!

8 ) Repeat everyday.

Only by accomplishing all of this can one obtain swag. I never said it was easy, and I certainly never said that it was an overnight process. It will take a while.

The most important thing about having swag is being confident and secure with the person that you are. Because if you don’t have that, then you will never have swag.

Go on, try it. When you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and say just one simple thing that you like about yourself. And don’t forget it.

Before you know it, you will be on the road to becoming swagtastic.

“Creepy.”

Consider yourself privileged… because I am about to enlighten you. I will do so by informing you what the most overused word in a girl’s vocabulary is:

“Creepy.”

And I’ll tell you why. Because I have nothing better to do right now.

Guys talk like guys. It’s just how we roll. If girls are in the vicinity, then maybe we’ll tone it down a little bit, but, if they do happen to overhear… so be it. Anyway, every now and then — or rather, all the time — we’ll make a comment, usually one involving women. For example, somebody will be talking about a girl that they just met. The conversation will inevitably lead to Facebook. The person will say, “Oh yeah, I’ve already looked at her Facebook pictures.” That’s perfectly normal behavior. Everybody does it, whether they admit it or not.

However, the girl, who isn’t directly involved in the conversation, but happened to be standing there, will remark: “Creepy.”

it’s because they have to pretend that they are above it all. They have to pretend that they don’t condone this type of behavior, and that it is only men who do it. And I use the word ‘pretend,’ because we all know that girls do the same thing.

it’s the same thing when a fairly inappropriate comment is made. Regardless of how funny it is, girls have to pretend they didn’t find it funny and subsequently say, you guessed it, “Creepy.”

It’s all a cover. They don’t want to admit that they agree with you, or that they find your joke funny, so they judge.

Which brings me to the second most overused word in a girl’s vocabulary:

“Gross.”

This one usually solely applies to when guys make inappropriate — sometimes sexual — jokes or comments, or when we discuss our misadventures from the previous weekend.

Girls find my sense of humor just as funny as guys, if not more, and I know that. I don’t usually bother to contradict them when I acknowledge this behavior, but it always amuses me.

And the third way a girl responds to “normal guy behavior,” other than those two words, is by a simple roll of the eyes. This is equally as — if not more — annoying. It reeks of feigned superiority.

I didn’t write this a particular blog with the intention of sounding misogynistic, even though I’m sure I did, but just because I notice these kinds of behaviors, and particularly on the opposite sex. Call me a modern age Sigmund Freud, if you will. Or don’t. Actually, definitely don’t. That’s weird.

It’s simply just another thing to add to the list. The list that never ends. The list that keeps me single.

Anyway, I’m excited because tomorrow I am going to Caroline’s Comedy Night Club in New York City to watch Louis C.K. If you don’t know who this comedian is… well you do know. You just don’t know him by name. He is on the top of his game right now, and is currently the funniest comedian in the world. There’s no doubt in my mind about that. He uses self-deprecating humor, which, let’s face it, is the best. It will be awesome. I’m going to start cracking up the moment he steps on stage.

If you’ve never seen his stuff… go to Youtube now. In fact, I’ll post one of his funnier bits. The guy is a genius.

LOL.

Plus the show ends at 10:00 which means hittin’ up New Yawk Citayyy after yooooo.

That sounded pretty gay.

There’s Unrest and Turmoil in the Middle East — But first, Lindsay Lohan has a Court Date!

Over the past few months, the Middle East has been a scene of chaos. It started when Tunisian president Zine El Abidine Ben Ali fled the country. Then, the Egyptian people led an 18-day protest, effectively overthrowing President Hamsi Mubarek and ending 30 years of oppression.

Now, there are bloody and violent protests occurring in Bahrain and Libya, as those countries attempt to follow in Egypt’s footsteps. And that’s not even mentioning the violence and political unrest that has been going on for years in Israel, Lebanon, Jordan, etc.

But none of that matters. Because Lindsay Lohan was due back in court today.

 

Lindsay L.

 

Lindsay Lohan (the Merrick native — REPRESENT!) allegedly stole a $2,500 necklace while shopping in L.A. in January.

This is a BIG DEAL.

What struggle in the Middle East? Completely insignificant when you compare it to Lindsay Lohan’s troubles. She’s faced so much adversity in her life! People don’t realize how difficult it is to be so famous and so rich and so successful at such a young age. It’s really, really hard.

I actually checked some of the “prestigious” websites today, and was fairly astonished — but not totally surprised — by what I found.

Fortunately, the New York Times had no mention of Lohan on the front page. If you ever want to know anything about anything, check out the New York Times. it’s the best news resource there is, and always have the best quality stories out there. Honestly, if you just check out there website once a day, and read a little, you can easily deceive people and make yourself appear to be a lot smarter than you really are.

And then I went to CNN.

The fourth news story — The fourth news story in the WORLD — is Lindsay Lohan. Incredible. In fact, I just went there now, and I searched “Lindsay Lohan,” and found that they wrote seven stories about her throughout the day. Seven!

One of the stories was even headlined: ” What we’re following today: Libya, New Zealand, Lohan, Duerson…”

All of those things basically compare. (Dave Duerson is a former NFL football player that recently died.)

Who. Gives. A. Flying. Fuck. About. This. Bitch.

She’s been irrelevant for several years now, and her criminal career has now surpassed her “acting” career. She is now officially a professional criminal. Snooki, in comparison, is a model citizen and great role model for young women when you put her next to Lohan.

Again, there are actual revolutions occurring that ultimately impact the fate of the entire world. I’m no journalist (oh, wait… I am), but I think that is just slightly more important that the misadventures of Lindsay Lohan.

Any news channel that even decided to discuss this at all should be ashamed of themselves. ASHAMED. And if they actually put it ahead of other stories — like this shit in the Middle East — well, then, that should tell you all you need to know about their credibility.

I know us Merrick folk need to stand up for one another, but, Lindsay, you’re an embarrassment. I’d still fuck you, but you are an embarrassment nonetheless.

Alright, writing this blog has interrupted enough of my time that should be devoted towards watching Carmelo Anthony and the new-look Knicks (still miss you Gallo… tear), so I gotta go. PEACE.

We’re Immature. Deal With it.

I always find it amusing when girls say that guys are immature. Or that when a girl specifically tells me that I’m immature.

NO SHIT.

I’m 23 years old and am less than two years out of college. I’m not Clark Gable. I still laugh at fart jokes, I like getting drunk and eating Taco Bell at 3 a.m., and my ideal day involves lying on my bed for 12 hours watching sports.

What do girls expect? Do they expect us to have ambition? Do they expect us to have an appreciation for art, and to drink wine while sticking our pinky out in the air?

Maybe it’s not us. Maybe… it’s you.

Girls are the ones who should accommodate to us. Plus it should not come as a shock to girls that we are immature. It’s in our nature. And guess what? We never fully do mature. Sure, we (slowly) adapt to the real world, but at the same time, we never lose our sense of debauchery and plain old goofiness.

I bring this up because I was reading an article in the Wall Street Journal (that’s right — I read that… sometimes) that discussed this very topic. It is titled “Where Have the Good Men Gone?”

Here are a few excerpts:

Not so long ago, the average American man in his 20s had achieved most of the milestones of adulthood: a high-school diploma, financial independence, marriage and children. Today, most men in their 20s hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance. This “pre-adulthood” has much to recommend it, especially for the college-educated. But it’s time to state what has become obvious to legions of frustrated young women: It doesn’t bring out the best in men.

YES.

Facebook. Twitter. Video games. Sports. Food. Porn. That is what we are all about.

Accept it.

Still, for these women, one key question won’t go away: Where have the good men gone? Their male peers often come across as aging frat boys, maladroit geeks or grubby slacker.

It’s cool to be a nerd now. Take a look at these famous nerds. They will agree.

Jesse Eisenberg

Rivers Cuomo

Andy Samberg

Mark Zuckerberg

These men — these four brave men — have officially made it cool to be geeky.

One more bit from the article:

So where did these pre-adults come from? You might assume that their appearance is a result of spoiled 24-year-olds trying to prolong the campus drinking and hook-up scene while exploiting the largesse of mom and dad.

Again, that sounds perfectly accurate. I see nothing wrong with that statement. Nor do I see anything wrong with it. We’re in our early 20s! if it’s still going on when we’re in our 30’s — okay, something is wrong. But until then… BACK OFF.

Maybe instead of complaining about it, and getting together with other girls and wondering when you will meet your “Prince Charming,” maybe you should realize that you guys are the ones with the problems.

And stop acting like you’re above everything. You knew you found my funny — albeit a little bit racist (and VERY sexist) — joke humorous. You just don’t want to admit it!

90s Music

I know that I have discussed this before, but I just want to reiterate how awesome 90s music was.

Not only is it high-quality stuff, but I think what makes 90s music doubly awesome is the disparity between what music was then and what it has become now.

If you’re reading this, and you were too young to appreciate 90s music, then I highly advise you to search for the top hits of the 90s, and download them all. Great, great music.

I know that you can make the argument that I’m just being nostalgic, and while that definitely is part of it, it’s not really the case. If the songs that came out in the 90s came out presently, I would still love it at my age. The quality of music was so high back then, and it’s amazing how far it has fallen.

You know what would be a scary thought? That if the youth of America is so accustomed to the shitty music that exists now, were they to listen to 90s music, they might hate it. It really is a shame what Lady Gaga and the Black Eyed Peas have done.

Earlier today, a friend of mine sent me a link of Z100’s most played songs of each year starting with 1983. It’s a great resource.

Let’s compare.

Here are the top 10 songs from 1998:

01 Iris – Goo Goo Dolls
02 Torn – Natalie Imbruglia
03 Truly Madly Deeply – Savage Garden
04 Together Again – Janet Jackson
05 You’re Still The One – Shania Twain
06 Getting’ Jiggy Wit It – Will Smith
07 My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
08 The Boy Is Mine – Brandy & Monica
09 I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing – Aerosmith
10 Uninvited – Alanis Morisette

And, now, here are the top 10 songs from 2009:

#1 Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling
#2 Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me
#3 Lady Gaga - Poker Face
#4 Jay Sean F/Lil' Wayne - Down
#5 Kelly Clarkson - My Life Would Suck Without You
#6 Beyonce - Halo
#7 Flo Rida F/Ke$ha - Right Round
#8 Lady Gaga F/Colby O'Donis & Akon - Just Dance
#9 Cascada - Evacuate The Dancefloor
#10 Jordin Sparks - Battlefield

HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED?! With the exception of #2 (okay, and maybe #4), every one of those songs is utter crap.

It’s just so sad. But I’m not sure who really is to blame. The reason these shit bands or artists are so popular are because people listen to them. So maybe it’s just people’s taste in music that has gone astray. Again, I blame the youth of America. These little shitheads are growing up listening to Lady Gaga, fiddling around on their iTouch, and pausing live television. And are not going outside. they aren’t getting to live like we did.

They didn’t get to experience Third Eye Blind, the Wallflowers, Smash Mouth, Alanis Morrissette, the Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, Bush, Oasis, NSync, the Backstreet Boys, Better than Ezra, Live, the Gin Blossoms, the Counting Crows, Collective Soul, the Spin Doctors and the Mighty, Mighty Bosstones when they were in their prime.

But we did.

We did.

I No Longer Get Hangovers

I’ve done it.

After consuming exorbitant amounts of alcohol this weekend, I can safely announce that hangovers are no longer a part of my life. I am now capable of drinking excessively and waking up the next day feeling fresh and ready to go.

I have so many people to thank for this accomplishment. All the bartenders that have ever served me beers. My employers for giving me money to pay for the beer. My friends for always encouraging me to do things that involve drinking. And for encouraging me to do things that don’t involve drinking where I drink anyway. And Ray Liotta. I feel like he should be thanked for some reason.

I have reached a pinnacle in my drinking career. I remember back in the days of my freshmen and sophomore years of college, where drinking heavily one night would result in a lost day, where I’d need to lie down for hours just to recover the following day. Those days are long gone.

For all the aspiring young beer connoisseurs out there, the best advice I can give you is to just keep at it. Continue drinking and don’t let silly excuses deter you, like having to wake up early the next morning, having to do schoolwork, or being sick.

One day you will get there.

I may not be hung over, but I am very tired. So I am going to wrap this up soon and lie down before going to bed. However, I wanted to show you all what the future New York City skyline is going to look like:

 

Future New York City skyline

 

Pretty nice looking. Will take a while to get used to, but that we will. The new buildings are the “Freedom Towers” that are going to be constructed. They’re very shiny.

Oh and I finally downloaded (ILLEGALLY)  the entire Mumford and Sons album the other day, and man, is it awesome. Great, great album. If you like “Little Lion Man,” then you will love the entire album. Every single song is good.

Alright. Time for rest. Happy President’s day everyone. GO CRAZY.

 

There’s a Thin Line Between Casual Flirting and Sexual Harassment

Not that I’ve actually had an issue with this (yet), but this is something that crosses my mind recently.

You hear stories in the news about sexual harassment in the workplace where somebody gets fired, and it always makes you think that the guy (who of course is always the one at fault) did something ridiculous, like expose his penis or grab a coworker’s tits or something.

And maybe that is the case. In fact, it probably is many of the times. However, I can see how other things can be misconstrued as sexual harassment also. Like giving a friendly hug. Or making a harmless comment.

I’m a dude. I like girls. I like to flirt with them. Especially when they’re hot. It’s normal. Whenever a guy meets a girl, unless one of them is extremely unattractive, there is automatically sexual tension.

I never take it too far and I never cross a line. I know when girls enjoy it, and I know when they don’t. I would never continue if a girl was clearly annoyed by it. That’s just creepy.

However, the problem isn’t always how it’s interpreted by the female, but by an outside observer. That’s where you have to be careful. So I advise everybody: if you like to flirt with girls in the office, be careful. Make sure the girl is into it, make sure the boss isn’t around, and use common sense. Also, don’t come on too strong. Remember, you see them every day; it’s a marathon. not a sprint.

The best way to flirt? Make them laugh. If they’re laughing, they’re happy. People like being happy. Especially at work.

I bring this up because the workplace can be a double-edged sword. It’s “frowned upon” by most — if not all — companies to have inter-work relationships, and, yet, it’s arguably the best place to seek potential romances. You see these people every day, which, conversely, could also make for extremely awkward situations if it doesn’t work out, and you get to know them pretty well. What other situations do you find yourself interacting with females so frequently?

Whenever a new person is hired, the first question anybody asks is: “Is he/she hot?” There’s a reason for that. It’s human instinct.

Hmm, if I started masturbating before I write my blogs, I wonder if I would talk about girls as much as I do? Too much information? I thought so too.

Anyway, it was a beautiful day in Long Island today. I was able to run outside three days this week! And it’s supposed to get nicer too! Should be a very enjoyable weekend weatherwise for once. It was only in the high 40s today, I think, but it felt like 60. And tomorrow it’s going to be in the upper 50s! WOO-HOO!

High five! (realizes nobody’s there and awkwardly lowers his hand to scratch his head as if that’s what he intended to do all along)

Alright everyone, have an excellent weekend, be safe, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. AND I DO SOME PRETTY CRAZY SHIT.

But, before I go, I want to show you all something awesome. Now I don’t play video games anymore, haven’t for a while, but there is a SICK trailer that was created for this zombie game called “Dead Island.” It’s honestly the best trailer for anything that I have ever seen, including movies and TV shows. In fact, this three-minute trailer may even be better than most full-length movies and TV shows.

Trust me… check it out. It’s absolutely haunting.

HOW. SICK. WAS. THAT.

Justin Bieber Hates America

Justin Bieber recently did an interview with Rolling Stone magazine.

Other than the mesmerizing cover picture of him posing in a beater while his hair sways about in the wind, there’s really no reason to check it out. However, on Rollingstone.com they reveal some tidbits from the interview that I found pretty interesting.

They asked him political questions, which I find pretty funny. He’s 15. What the fuck does he know about the world? And why should he care? I only started to slightly care about politics now, and I’m 23. When I as 15 I didn’t even know what type of government we had.

But, for shits and giggles, let’s look at some of the things he said.

The Canadian-born Bieber never plans on becoming an American citizen. “You guys are evil,” he jokes. “Canada’s the best country in the world.” He adds, “We go to the doctor and we don’t need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you’re broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard’s baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby’s premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home.”

In Justin Bieber’s world, Canada apparently has free healthcare for everyone. Great. And did he just call Americans evil? Sure, I know he’s joking, but even so, it can’t be a smart P.R. move to say such things to the people who absolutely adore him and are single-handedly responsible for making him what he is today.

But it gets even better:

He isn’t sure what political party he’d support if he was old enough to vote. “I’m not sure about the parties,” Bieber says. “But whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.” He does have a solid opinion on abortion. “I really don’t believe in abortion,” Bieber says. “It’s like killing a baby?” How about in cases of rape? “Um. Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven’t been in that position, so I wouldn’t be able to judge that.

Justin Bieber: Anti-Abortion. Pro-Rape.

“Whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.” Spoken like a true expert on world affairs. And did he really use the words “rape” and “Everything happens for a reason” in the same thought? Hmm. Next time I rape a girl, I’ll make sure to tell her “Hey, things happen for a reason! Just go with it. It was fate that brought this rape together.”

Like I said, he’s 15, so unless he comes outright and says something like “I love everything about America. Except the Jews. They can burn in Hell,” well then I’m not going to get on him too much. But it’s still amusing. You’d thing somebody would have prepared him and educated him better in case these questions ever arose. But at least he is being honest. I’m sure this won’t affect his fan base too much, which consists of 12 and 13-year-old girls. I’d be jealous of him, but, 12 and 13 are too old for me.

And just in case you are wondering about anything else the Biebs might have said in this interview, Rolling Stone also shared this.

“I don’t think you should have sex with anyone unless you love them,” Bieber says. When asked if he believes in abstinence until marriage, Bieber seems wary: “I think you should just wait for the person you’re…in love with.”

What a gentlemen. And who said chivalry is dead?

I’ve heard Justin Bieber speak before, most recently on Letterman. He definitely doesn’t seem like an idiot, he just seems like an ignorant 15 year-old… as all 15 year olds are. But moreso him, because he’s a privileged kid that’s only known fame and success all his life. So of course he’s going to be ignorant to actual worldly issues. However, to his credit, he does seem like a down to earth kid who at least tries to be humble. Even if he does hate our country. And is pro-rape.

Did I really just spend an entire blog talking about Justin Bieber? Fuck.

Before I go, check out this awesome headline:

L.A. woman dies in her cubicle at work; her body is not discovered until the following day

As somebody who works in a cubicle 5 days a week, I can see how this would be entirely possible. In fact, if I died in my cubicle, I’d probably look just as productive as I usually do.

 

The Beginning of the End of the World

All my readers who are avid fans of Jeopardy! already know by now of the machine that is Watson.

WATSON

A machine is competing on Jeopardy! A MACHINE.

It’s competing against Ken Jennings — who holds the longest winning streak in Jeopardy! history — and Brad Rutter, the all-time money winner in Jeopardy! history, and probably still a virgin.

Watson is an artificial intelligence software created by IBM that is an application of advanced natural language processing, information retrieval, knowledge representation and reasoning, designed for complex analytics, made possible by integrating massively parallel —

WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT?!

All you need to know is that it’s a machine. That speaks. And knows trivia. And it’s competing against two geniuses.

And it kicked their asses. After two days, Watson leads by a score of $35,734 to $10,400 to $4,800.

The purpose of putting Watson on Jeopardy! was to “test its abilities.” Now that its abilities have clearly been validated, what is the next step?

I’m not even joking around here. This seems like a mundane thing, and I’m sure that tonight’s episode of Jeopardy! got destroyed in the ratings by tonight’s episode of Glee, but anybody who did watch Jeopardy! was witnessing a historic and landmark moment in the history of mankind. The day that machines started to take us over.

In the grand scheme of things, it’s a small step, and it may still take hundreds of years for it to truly happen, but this is still the beginning. And the crazy thing is, we are the ones that are creating it! We are causing our own downfall!

But then again, did anybody think our downfall would come any other way than by self-implementation and self-destruction? It was pretty inevitable.

Movies like “2001: A Space Odyssey,” “Blade Runner,” and “AI: Artificial Intelligence” were deemed science-fiction — and even scoffed at — when they came out, but in reality, they might as well been labeled under the category “prophetic.” All of these movies deal with the consequences of artificial intelligence, and how easily they could backfire. I’d include “I, Robot” in there too, but that movie sucked.

In addition, those movies tackled the moral dilemma of attempting to destroy the self-aware machines that we created. What gives us the right? What makes them any less “real” than us?

Watson may seem like a funny joke right now, but soon, there will be several Watsons. Then several more. Then several hundred more. What if we make them so smart that they gain the ability to outwit us?

What’s to stop them from betraying us? Machines don’t feel a sense of compassion or loyalty (or do they?!)

When I watched Jeopardy! the past two days, I could sense the anticipation from the audience. Alex Trebek even did a good job of building up the moment and explaining its significance to us. But when it started, and the machine started tearing shit up, I felt a new sense of emotion from the audience watching: eeriness. Here is a machine, right before our eyes, answering questions that 95% of us don’t know the answers to.

It just didn’t feel right. It’s unnerving.

And you know what is even more unnerving? The terrible, robotic acting of the actors on “Glee.” There’s no doubt in my mind that Watson could do a better job then them.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

As some of you may remember, a year ago I wrote several pessimistic and disheartening blogs in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day. Which, aside from it being gay that I as a male even give a shit about this holiday, was for several reasons.

At the time, I wasn’t exactly in the best state of mind. I was heartbroken, one might say. And it wasn’t for one specific reason, but several things that accumulated. In other words, I was down in the dumps. And that feeling was further magnified by the fact that I was hardly employed. My life was basically lacking meaning at the time.

I’m not trying to sound emotional, that’s just how it was. I got through it. I woke up one day, slapped myself in the face, got a job, and never looked back. One year later, I’m arguably in the best place in my life that I’ve ever been in. I love my job, I love my friends, and I love the fact that I have money and can be free and independent. It’s amazing how much can change in a year.

Bearing that in mind, you may have noticed my lack of anti-Valentine’s Day posts recently. I did one a couple of weeks ago, and I made a couple other mentions throughout other blogs, but that was more for humor purposes than anything.

It’s mainly because I really just don’t care. Sure, I’ve been my usual cruel self towards women lately, but that’s the norm, whether it’s Valentine’s day or not.

You may wonder why I am so vicious towards the female gender. But, to be honest, while I do feel strong emotions towards women basically, well, all the time, I can’t tell the difference anymore whether that emotion is love or hate. It’s like when a kid in elementary school teases a girl by pulling her pigtails or throwing pencils at her, and then he justifies it by saying “I hate her,” when really, deep down, he loves her. That’s how I feel towards women in general. I know it’s cliché to say, but there is a fine line between love and hate.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is, I truly hope that all my readers, and particularly the ladies, who have a special someone in their life had a remarkable day. I hope he took you out to – or cooked (as long as he didn’t discuss the ingredients with you, because that would be legitimate reasoning to break up with him) — a nice dinner and then you snuggled on the sofa while watching a crappy movie. And then hopefully you reciprocated the favor upon going to bed.

Sex. I’m talking about sex.

However, I am amused to say that all of the things that I predicted would happen today in my Valentine’s day blog did indeed happen. But I did forget to mention one thing: all girls will wear red shirts. Saw plenty of them today.

In addition, girls everywhere posted pictures of Valentine’s Day gifts they received, and/or stated on Facebook what exactly their boyfriend did to surprise to them.

And, predictably, the single girls all posted how glad they were that they were single. Yeah, okay!

Other than that, it was just as normal a day as ever.

Anyway, I watched the Grammys last night, just like I said I would. Perhaps it was because I set my expectations really low, but I actually enjoyed the night’s proceedings. Even the performances I was dreading — Lady Gaga, Katy Perry — were bearable.

However, I can’t believe some of the outfits that some people were wearing. I don’t get how you can appear on national television in front of millions of people dressed like a fucking clown, and not be embarrassed. I guess it’s because they’re supposed to be “artistic.” At least Jason Segal made a funny comment about it.

Speaking of funny comments, Seth Rogen won the night with his Miley Cyrus jab. “This is my first time attending the Grammys, and I’ve seen things I’ve never seen before, I’ve heard things I’ve never heard before, and that’s just from being backstage getting high with Miley Cyrus.” Awesome.

I was secretly hoping that Eminem would win Album of the Year. Mainly because I knew that if he didn’t win it this year, he never would (although he should have won it for the Marshall Mathers LP — I still have no idea who the fuck Steely Dan is.) Regardless, I thought for sure that Lady Antebellum would win. So I was pleasantly surprised when Arcade Fire won. I know who they are and have some songs of theirs on my iPod, but never really listened to them too closely. But I know they’ve definitely got a lot of talent and it’s cool to see indie rock get some recognition.

However, the best part of the Grammys wasn’t the performances, nor the awards, nor the Seth Rogen joke, but this local  reporter having some type of neurological episode on live TV following the show:

Poor women. Something tells me that she did not have a very good Valentine’s Day.