The Worst Day of the Year… For Some

Imagine waking up this morning, and thinking about what you will have to do to get through the day. For you, it’s not about looking ahead to the spring, or even to the weekend, but simply just surviving this frosty, snow-filled winter day.

You want to get started early and gather enough nuts and berries to feed yourself and your winter. you have some stored away, but it is not enough.

However, today is different. While you normally going unnoticed, today, that is not the case. Sure, sometimes those strangers from above will point at you and remark how you cute-looking you are. But, other than that, they’ll pay you no mind. And they certainly won’t help you.

But, today, all you want to do is find a nice patch of grass, and maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll find a bush swarming with fresh berries at your disposal. That would be the jackpot. You could live almost a week off that. Then have to do it again.

You won’t be able to do it today. As soon as you wake up, you hear a loud chatter from above. It’s not something that you’re accustomed. Every now and then you’ll hear it, but it’s been awhile.

And then you remember. A while ago, you went to leave your house and found yourself surrounded by hundreds of those creatures from above. They are way bigger than you, and you had no idea what they were. They were holding all types of weird contraptions and pointing them all at you. You never felt so scared in your life. Immediately, your heart pounding, you scampered back into your hole, too terrified to reemerge until you were completely sure they were gone.

Hopefully, that is not what is happening again. You begin to step slowly towards the entrance to the hole, and the chatter grows louder. You become frightful. As soon as you become visible from above ground, the chatter gets even louder, and your heart starts beating again. What do these people want with me?

You stick your head out, and pandemonium strikes. Blinking lights are everywhere, and hundreds of sets of eyes are transfixed on you. What did I do to deserve this?

Before you know it, one of them is coming at you, and picks you up. Let me go, is all that you’re thinking, while frantically swinging your arms and legs to no avail. Is the end? Are they going to hurt me?

The creature starts speaking, but you have no idea what they’re saying. You’ve never been more overwhelmed in your life. This is not what you are used to.

Finally, without even realizing, you find yourself back on the ground again, and you have only one thought. Get back in the hole. Without hesitation, you run back into your hole, and you stay there. You’re back to where it safe.

There’s no way you’re going to go back up there. Oh well, you think, I guess me and my family aren’t going to eat today.

And so is the life of a groundhog on February 2nd. We torture those poor creatures every Groundhogs Day. All for our entertainment.

Poor little fella.

Newsflash: groundhogs do not control the weather.


Maybe those mischievous creatures do actually have power over our nation’s atmospheric conditions. And they just like to fuck with us as revenge for the way we embarrass them on Groundhogs Day.

Global warming? The groundhogs. The 2004 Tsunami? The groundhogs. The tornado that killed Cary Elwes in Twister? The groundhogs.

Punxsutawney Phil? More like PUNKsutawney KILL.

Next year, I say we eliminate all of the groundhogs! How else will we really know?!

Or maybe… just maybe… they don’t control the weather. I don’t think we’ll ever really know.

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