If there’s anything I know, it’s that people can be very boring.
And I know boring. I went to college.
However, there is no more boring topic in the world than when people talk about food that they cooked. I don’t understand why people become obsessed with their own concoctions? Is it because they feel a sense of pride and accomplishment because they were the ones that cooked it?
Whenever somebody brings up a meal that they had the other night, and then starts getting into the details of how they made it, my brain shuts off, and my thoughts are replaced with this:
Envisioning a monkey banging cymbals is infinitely more entertaining to me than listening to somebody talk about the chicken bruschetta that they made last Tuesday.
The only reason I may even attempt to listen is because while you are talking about the cooking process, I’m hoping the story will take a turn and go like, “…and then, I tripped on a puddle of water and broke my face.” Because that would be funny. However, it never ends that way. It always ends with “…and then I ate it.”
What kind of response are you expecting? “HOLY SHIT, MAN! YOU MADE FOOD! I’VE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING. WHAT A FUCKING AMAZING STORY!”
So you made food. Whoop-dee-motherfucking-doo. I understand that not everybody can cook, but… like 7/10 people can. At least.
Plus, you made it yourself, so you’re biased. Of course you’re going to say it tasted delicious. How often do you ever hear anybody say, “Oh my god, I made a rice pudding last night. It tasted like shit!”
People have been cooking their own food for centuries. Before stoves and ovens existed, people were making food. Cook your food on a stick while hovering over a fire, and maybe I’ll be impressed.
Additionally, creating food simply by following a recipe isn’t even something that requires talent. You’re merely reading and doing what you’re told. Using a recipe as a foundation, and then using your own techniques to improve it… that is cooking.
So, please, don’t talk to me about it. Your food is not something that I’m interested in. If you brought some for me, then okay. That’s one thing. Otherwise, no. Just no.
You know what is equally as awful? When people post pictures of their food that they make on Facebook. It always makes me chuckle, because it makes me picture the scene:
The asshole spent nearly an hour cooking, and then upon its completion, they laid it out on the table. There significant other (who will probably leave them in a week) goes to eat the food, but the “cook” says: “Wait! I can’t eat this yet! I must take a photograph and post it on Facebook! Nevermind the actual reason why I made this — for eating — Facebook comes first!”
90% of the time, I don’t even know what the food is until I read the caption. I’m always tempted to write, “That looks like shit.” But then I remember that I would come off looking like an asshole.
I wonder what actual chefs — people who really do cook for a living — think of this behavior. And, while we’re on that thought, I wonder if actual chefs also take photos of their food and post it on Facebook? I can just picture them yelling at the waiters to wait to deliver the food so that they could take a photograph first.
Obviously, I don’t advocate this behavior at all. I’d probably rather listen to somebody talk about sediment flow rates than talk about the food that they cooked. It’s simply not an impressive thing. If you managed to create a new type of energy source to replace fossil fuel, then, I’ll listen to you. That is both fascinating and impressive.
Or if you accidentally burned your face while cooking your own food, I’d be more than happy to hear that story also.