Rabbit Rabbit

When I was a young lad, I used to watch Nickelodeon all  the time. That goes without saying, really; anybody whose childhood took place in the 90s watched Nickelodeon all the time.

Anyway, I remember that whenever a program returned from commercial break, Nickelodeon had a quick bit where they would share a quick factoid with us. I suppose it was meant to be educational. Anyway, I was about 8 or 9 years old, and I remember that one time the factoid said, “If you say ‘rabbit rabbit’ as your first words of a new month, you will have good luck throughout the entire month.”

I never forgot that. You can even look it up on google — it’s a real thing. And I always tried to remember say it in the beginning of a month, but I never did.

So ever since then, for about 12 years, not a month went by without me realizing that I forgot to utter “rabbit rabbit” as my first words.

Since I had always forgotten it, I figured that when I did remember to say it, that it would actually work. And that only amazing things would happen to me during that month. And yet, I still always forgot.

Until about two years ago. At the end of 2009, I actually remembered to say it. It was the last day of the month, and it was about five minutes to midnight, and I realized that I had the opportunity to say it. I waited until midnight… and I did it.

And then I had arguably the worst month of my life. Not kidding.

I bring this up because today is the last day of March, and that is why I thought of it. I guess the point I’m trying to make is not to ever be too superstitious. And certainly don’t ever think that you can rely on luck alone to get you through rough times.

But hey, the new month starts in about five hours, so if you want to give it a shot… go ahead.

Although… I just looked up “rabbit rabbit” on Wikipedia, and apparently you’re supposed to say it the morning you wake up on the first of a new month. Since I did at midnight before I went to bed on a new month, perhaps it had the opposite effect and brought me bad luck.


Anyway, today is a special day. The opening day of the 2011 baseball season. I have been a die-hard Mets fan as long as I can remember, so this day has always been big for me. The Mets don’t play their opening game until tomorrow, though. I will be watching it in the city with fellow Mets fans, and I will be getting intoxicated while doing so. It is going to be pretty awesome.

The Mets most likely will not make the playoffs this year, but I still intend to watch pretty much every game. It’s just what I do.

Most people think baseball is very slow and boring. I think the opposite. Instead of slow, I prefer the word subtle. Or intricate. There’s a certain art to the game that very few can appreciate. Also, it’s America’s pastime, so shut the fuck up.

Well, I’m excited at least. I’m just excited for the weekend in general. I hope everyone has a good one, I hope the Mets win tomorrow, and I hope I don’t have to say “rabbit rabbit” for it to happen.

Did Going to College Benefit Me in Any Way?

Whenever somebody asked me where I went to college, and I respond by telling them “Binghamton,” they always respond by saying “Ooh, good school!” and look at me with an impressed look on their face.

I never really know how to respond to this. Part of me wants to be like, “Yeah, damn fucking right it’s a good school. Now back away from me you lowly unintelligent being.”

I don’t though. Instead, I usually just smile embarrassingly and say “…Yeah.”

But then I come to think about it, and my main thought is: Did college even matter? What the hell did I learn?

I mean educationally of course. As far as experiencing new things, making new friends, having awesome times and forming memories that will last a lifetime… then, yes. College accomplished all that in spades.

However, as far as preparing me for the real world, learning my vocation and developing a work ethic… what did college do? I really can’t remember a single thing I learned.

If anything, I think whatever work ethic I had may have even worsened in college.

When I was in high school, I was never in a class with more than 25 people. Therefore, if you were slacking off and not paying attention, the teacher would notice easily and get you back on track.

Conversely, in college, I was suddenly in classes with 250 kids. I could have fallen asleep and no one would have noticed. I also skipped class frequently when I knew I could get away with it.

I was an English major in college. Not because I thought it was the easiest subject, but because it’s what I was easily the most interested in. Writing is one of the few things that I am really good at. When I’m doing it, I can see several steps ahead. If that was the case for me with science, then I would have become a doctor. Or if that was the case with oceanography, then I would have become a pirate.

As far as learning to work on a deadline, college didn’t help with that either because I was always given about two or three months to complete projects. And I would still wait for the last minute. However, waiting to the last minute for me means completing it the day before. I never understood people who procrastinate so badly that they needed to pull all-nighters to get something done on time. Never in my four-year college career did I ever pull an all-nighter.

And GPAs don’t mean shit either. I don’t even put my GPA on my resume anymore.

I barely even remember any of the professors I had in college. Maybe I could name two or three of them.

I suppose the point I’m trying to make is that to get the most out of college, you really need to put forth the effort. I certainly tried do well when I was in college, but I really didn’t go that extra mile. Because I really don’t think I needed to. And in result, I’ll be paying student loans until I’m 35 years old!

Hmm. I can probably find some ways that college benefited me. Right?

I get to put on my resume that I graduated from Binghamton. However, the older you get… the less that matters.

I also had to read a lot in college. Not a surprise as an English major. When you write for a living, reading as much as you can is really the best way to learn. So that helped a lot.

…That’s about it. I thought college was supposed to be this extremely enlightening and educational experience?

So, in conclusion… no. College did nothing to propel my career. You hear that kids? If you ever learn anything from me, know that college is borderline useless. Undergrad is at least. Especially if you wish to become a writer.

However, if it wasn’t for college I never would have met my best friend. The person who I rely on the most, and could always trust. No matter what, I know that they will always be there for me.

My best friend.

I love you, man.

The Friend Zone

It’s pretty shocking that I’ve never written a blog about the dreaded “friend zone” before.

I say this because it’s such a prevalent thing– everybody knows about it, and it’s a huge epidemic facing [fat and/or unattractive] men everywhere.

Being “stuck in the friend zone” means that you have affection towards a particular girl, and while you have actually made the bold step to enter into her life, it’s not in the way that you want it. You are not deemed a romantic interest in her eye; in fact, you’re basically the complete opposite. She thinks of you in a completely platonic way and never for a second has she ever had one single shred of desire for it to be anything more.

Don’t get me wrong, it means that she actually does like you as a person. But just as a friend. And nothing more.

Being in the “friend zone” does have some redeeming qualities. For her to want you to be your friend, it means you probably have a decent personality. You’re nice and you probably have a good sense of humor.

How does one come upon being stuck in the friend zone? Well, there’s a variety of reasons; lack of aggressiveness or aiming for girls too out of your league, to name a couple. But for the most part, it all alludes to one thing…

You’re simply not attractive. It’s a shallow thing, but it’s the way it is. Most likely, you’re unattractive because you are overweight. Like most of America. And, you know, it sucks, but it’s mainly your fault. Eat less Twinkies and hit the gym once in a while.

When you think of someone being stuck in the friend zone, you think of a chubby, dorky-looking guy. Basically this:


If you’re fat and/or ugly, it really doesn’t matter how nice or good of a person you are. She won’t like you. And let’s face it, can you blame her? If — and a big if — she’s attractive, she can probably get nearly any guy she wants. Why would she choose somebody out of shape and overweight when she can find somebody that has a much better physical presence?

The reason I don’t think I ever discussed this before is because it isn’t really something that is a problem for me. Now I’m not trying to come off like a player here; I don’t strut down the sidewalk thinking I’m James Dean or anything, but I know at the very least — I’m average looking.

In addition, I may not get many girls, but I like to think that I have a pretty clairvoyant sense of knowing when a girl may or may not have interest in me. All I really need is 10 minutes with a girl and I can usually tell. Thus, when those 10 minutes pass, and I got nothing, I usually just give up.

Conversely, the fat unattractive person — who doesn’t have a clairvoyant sense because girls rarely ever show interest in them and thus they don’t know what a girl acts like when she has interest — won’t give up. And they will hold on to hope. And they will not succeed. Ever.

I bring this up because I know somebody who probably suffers from the worst case of “the friend zone” that I have ever seen.

It’s amusing, but it’s also really pathetic to watch.

I say it’s pathetic because it’s so transparent when a guy is clearly in love with another girl. He’ll find any excuse to talk to her, he’ll be so nice to her that it becomes truly unbearable to witness, and his attempts at flirting will be so horrific that it’ll make an outside observer cringe.

It amazes me that it doesn’t ever dawn on them that they have no chance. You’d think that after about a year, you may have gotten the point, right? But, no, clearly they have not.

I really just don’t get it. If a girl shows no romantic interest in you for the entire duration of your friendship, what makes you think she will wake up one morning, see the light, and want to go out with you? And why even do that to yourself?

Basically what I am saying, is man up, you fat, pathetic losers that are stuck in the friend zone. Allowing yourself to get stuck in the friend zone is simply an enabler to your patheticness.

Don’t take this too harshly. I am just trying to help you.

By the way, did you know that Facebook removed a group page today created by Palestinians that were trying to organize an uprising against Israel on May 15? More than 350,000 people had joined it, and on the group page, it said “Judgment Day will be brought upon us only once the Muslims have killed all of the Jews.”

Hmm. Facebook went from being a website to determining who you had the same classes with, to a social networking hub where everyone could share their meaningless thoughts and feelings, to a website where terrorist groups organize a genocide.

Nice, Zuckerberg… nice.

Facebook Events

I always found it interesting how people respond to Facebook event invites.

Obviously, inviting people to events on Facebook is the easiest way to go about it. Within minutes, you can invite anywhere from 20 to 200 people to an event. If you need to change the location or the time, you can modify it and everybody knows about it instantly. It’s extremely convenient.

There’s a lot of thoughts that surface when you are invited to an event. Firstly, you are happy that somebody decided to include you in their celebration — like a birthday, for instance. It’s always nice to be acknowledged and to be included, whether you can attend the event or not. It’s a good feeling.

But then a few more questions come to mind: Can you attend this event? And then after that… do you even want to attend? And if you decide you do want to attend, when do you click ‘yes?’ Right away? After a few days? Maybe I should wait until some other people say ‘yes,’ it’d be too awkward if I’m the first…

It’s only natural. The latter question comes to mind when the person inviting you isn’t a close friend. Thus, you usually wait it out and see who else is going, or wait and see if something better pops up on that day. It’s pretty shitty, but it’s what we do.

Facebook gives you four options as far as responding. It sounds simple, but we manage to find ways to make it complicated. Anyway, the options are: Yes, No, Maybe, or not responding at all.

We all know what it’s like to react to receive a Facebook event. But what about when you are the one sending out the invitations. That’s a whole different ballgame.

It’s a little nerve-racking to send out an event. Your thoughts race to both ends of the spectrum…

“What if only like five people respond?” That’d be embarrassing…”

“I’m sure a lot of people will come. Everybody likes me! Right? …Right?”

Anyway, so you finally send it, and then, naturally, you check it every five minutes to see who responded.

Of course, there will be the people who do say ‘yes’ right away. There are typically your closest friends. It was inevitable that they were going to come, so why waste any time? Maybe they’ll even write something witty on the event wall to break the ice.

Then there’s always going to be the ones that hit ‘no’ right away and give some type of excuse. Normally it’s legitimate. Something like they’ll be “out of town for the weekend.” Nothing you can do about that.

Conversely, sometimes they’ll be lame excuses like “I have a big test that Monday!” or “Another friend is having a birthday party that night!” or “I have a busy week leading up to it so I’ll see how I feel.” You might as well just write “I don’t like you.” That way, at least I know.

Sometimes those excuses I just listed will lead to somebody hitting ‘maybe.’ Or sometimes, people will hit ‘maybe’ and not give an excuse. That basically just translates to “Eh, I do kind of like you, but not enough to commit right away so I’ll just wait it out.” The only good thing I can say about this is that at least its honest. And at least they gave you enough courtesy to give you some semblance of a response. Usually it means that there’s a 50% chance that person will show up.

And then, of course, there are the people who don’t reply at all. You might as well just walk up to me and slap me in the face and tell me to go fuck myself. That’s basically implying that you don’t give enough of a shit about me to even warrant a response. When people choose not to respond, I just assume they are not coming.

As time elapses, more people will tend to respond. Normally within a week of the event people will have a clearer idea of their schedule. They’ll know for certain that they are free that weekend, and that there won’t be anything better to do. So they’ll be a late straggler and say that they are attending. I am content with those people.

But then the awaiting replies will keep it like that, and not end up going. In all seriousness, it doesn’t actually make me hate them or anything, but it does say a lot.

In the end, you just have fun with the people who do go. And that’s all that matters.

And you drink beer. Repeatedly.

I’m still waiting for the day when it becomes socially acceptable to ask out a girl on a Facebook event. I’m very tempted to do it now, actually. In that case, I’d welcome an “awaiting reply.” That’s a hell of a lot better than a ‘no,’ which is what I am accustomed to.

“When Are You Free?!”

This sickens me.

I’ve written several blogs about the little intricacies girls do on Facebook towards each other. It all alludes to them being split personality: bitches in real life, nice on Facebook.

And I apologize If I’m being blunt, but it’s just how I feel. Obviously it doesn’t apply to everyone. One of the little intricacies I pointed out a little while back was the usage that girls make of the smiley face icon.

Fuck. That.

But there’s a new one that came to light recently.

If there’s anything I know about girls, it’s that they lose all their friends really quickly. Girls don’t like other girls; that’s no secret. So as time goes on, they lose touch with each other much faster than guys do. They don’t really make much of an effort to keep in touch, except the monthly Facebook message. I’ll get to that.

Most of them find a boyfriend and just latch on to them and pretend their other friends never existed.

And, no, keeping in touch with somebody every few months doesn’t mean your friends. Friends see each other often. I don’t care how many smiley faces you write on each other’s Facebook walls.

Anyway, going back to my point about how girls don’t make an effort to maintain friendships. What sickens me is when two girls who are friendly with each other (there’s a difference between “friendly” and “friends,”) correspond on Facebook.

Obviously, they’re not close enough, so they don’t text. They have to Facebook message.

Anyway, one day, when one of the girls is in a good mood (which is almost never), she’ll post on another girl’s wall who she hasn’t seen in multiple months. She’ll write something along the lines of “It’s been too long! We must meet up for drinks!”

For the third time, this sickens me.

When guys want to hang out with somebody, there’s no need to preface how long it’s been since you’ve last seen each other.

I’ll pick up my phone and text my buddy: “Yo, wanna get drunk?”

Two minutes later, he’ll respond: “Yes.”

We’ll be at the bar together within twenty minutes. And that is the process.

Meanwhile, girls have to write these stupid Facebook messages. So, one of them will write on each other’s wall. The other girl will see it right away, but she’ll be in one of her “moods,” and won’t feel like responding right away. Twelve hours later, she’ll reply with an extremely obvious fake response of “Yes it has! When are you free?”

When are you free.


This just alludes to the bitchiness of girls. It’s a stall tactic is what it is.

For one thing, we’re in our fucking early twenties, how busy can you be?! We represent the bottom shit layer of our company in an entry-level position, and we work from 9 -5. The day’s over after that.

But of course, the girl still poses the question, “When are you free?”

And of course, the girl who initially started the interaction, her mood will inevitably change, and she will say that she’s not free for another two weeks.

Again, we’re in our early twenties. We don’t have families, we don’t have kids to go home to, and we don’t have mortgages to pay. How fucking hard can it be to meet up with somebody? Why do you need to ask when you are free? And why do you need to do it on Facebook?

Well, that last question I can answer. They do it on Facebook because they know the process of actually making definitive plans will take several days that way.

Essentially, the question “When are you free?” among girls translates to the question: “When are you not going to be a big enough of a bitch that you can bear dealing with me one for measly day?” Because, like I said, we’re always fucking free.

I hate that question so goddamn much.

In the end, the girls will plan to meet up for dinner one Thursday in a month from now. They’ll go, they’ll have a few drinks, get a nice buzz, maybe even get drunk, and then go home and laugh about the guys that hit on them. Then the next day, the other one will write on the other one’s wall: “You are awesome.”

There. Now they’ve had their bi-monthly hangout, and they can breathe a sigh of relief. They can go back to their normal lives of pretending that the other doesn’t exist, and they don’t have to be fake. Not until one of them gets the itch a few months later, and sends that dreaded Facebook post.

And that’s enough of that. Guess what, tomorrow is Rebecca Black day! I get out of work at 5 p.m. and then the weekend begins! However, first I need to check my schedule. Because I’m not sure if I’m going to be “free.”

People Who Can’t Sleep

It really annoys me when the same people constantly tell me about how they had trouble sleeping.

I see them and they have that defeated look on their face and when I ask them what’s wrong, they respond “couldn’t sleep again.”

That’s not an excuse to act like a little bitch. Let me tell you something… I know that insomnia exists and all that crap, but if you can’t sleep, 90% of the time it’s mental. Meaning it’s your own doing. You go to bed with all this shit on your mind, and you probably start worrying about how you may not fall asleep fast enough, and in result, you don’t fall asleep fast enough.

It’s all your fault. And I have zero sympathy for you.

Sleeping is a freaking godsend. I don’t know how anybody can’t get full enjoyment out of laying your head on the pillow at the end of a long day, clearing your mind of all troubles, and drifting into a nice easy sleep and entering — what I like to call – dreamworld.

The way these people act, you’d think that sleeping is a chore.

I sleep amazingly every night. Amazingly.

You want to know how? I’ll give you some tips.

1) Don’t think. There’s nothing you can accomplish while you’re lying in bed at midnight. If you had a rough day, or you’re anticipating a rough day, who the fuck cares? On one hand, it’s either over and you don’t have to think about it anymore, or it’s not for several hours and you get to have a nice long slumber before it has to happen. Sleeping is the ultimate form of procrastination!

2) Sort of the same thing, but, don’t be stressed! What are you stressed about while lying in your pajamas in your comfortable bed? It’s the least stressful place in the world! Maybe you should jerk off or something before lying down next time.

3) Work out. If you spend a good 60-90 minutes a day exercising, I promise you that you will sleep like a baby. It’ll drain so much out of you that you’ll fall asleep even earlier than you intended to. Plus you also reap the other benefits of working out!

4) Smoke weed. Not that I do this myself [anymore], nor do I ever encourage illegal activity, but this will definitely help. Just make sure to do it over an hour before you intend to go to sleep.

5) Don’t be a bitch. Again, sleeping is the ultimate escape. While you’re there, you’re not working, you’re not talking, you’re not driving, you’re doing NOTHING. How hard is that to do?

I love sleeping so much that I just can’t understand how people have trouble with it. I even grin when I lie down in bed because I’m so happy. It would probably freak people out if they were sleeping with me. Fortunately for me, that never happens.

Wait, did I say fortunately?


My Company Blocked Gchat Today…

I always thought my workplace was fairly lenient when it comes to websites that they allow us to peruse on our computers.

I know of friends who are always online on gchat while at work. It’s a pretty common thing.

Within the first couple of months at my job, I (and I know it was me because I was on them all the time) got three sites blocked. They were Sporcle, Rotoworld and Yahoo! Fantasy Sports.

These I can understand. In no way can they play any advantage towards productivity in a workplace. The first one – Sporcle – is a site whose sole purpose is to waste time. It’s only logical that it would be disallowed.

The other two are fantasy sports websites. I could see how that could annoy employers. I really had no complaint with those.

Side note… obviously they have ways of viewing what we see on our computers. Otherwise this wouldn’t be a problem. And that’s why I make sure never to view porn at work. Or this blog. I’m not sure which would be worse…

Anyway, after that, I hadn’t heard of anything that has been blocked. Thankfully, my company actually uses Facebook for work purposes, so that will never be blocked. Otherwise I’d probably quit.

But this week, that all changed.

It started yesterday when a coworker realized that Pandora was blocked. I never used Pandora myself, but this still bothered me. I know my coworkers use it, but they use it while they do work. It’s part of their routine. It was in no way harming anybody’s work performance.

And then, today, the unthinkable happened. Gchat was blocked.

This is unforgivable. Everybody uses gchat. Everybody. I can’t cope without it.

It’s infuriating because it’s not like workplace productivity had been down or anything. Everything is going fine. Then one day, they decided to become Nazis.

And it’s a ridiculous thing to do because now everybody is going to use gchat on their phone. This takes much LONGER than typing on a computer. Thus, I’ll be wasting more time and be less productive.

In any level, using gchat and sporadically checking Facebook and Twitter is what keeps me productive. I can’t work for a long time without taking a short break. It’s human nature and it’s all part of the work process. It’s how the best minds work.

Ironically, what I just said is actually proven. By Harvard.

I follow “Harvard Research” on Twitter, and they post different studies that they have conducted. And since they’re from Harvard, they’re pretty much always right about everything. Anyway, here’s a tweet that they posted last week:


How retarded can you be?!

It’s extremely passive aggressive too, since they never sent us an email explaining why they did it. It’s too bad that everybody at my company is easily replaceable, otherwise we’d actually do something about it.

These past two days gave me a little bit of a glimpse of what it was like to live in Nazi Germany in the early 1900s. Abuse of power is what it is.

Gotta fight the establishment, man. It ain’t right.

It just ain’t right.

The Most Important Thing in the World

Let’s see, what’s happening in the world right now that I can discuss?

The Military Intervention in Libya by the USA, France, United Kingdom, Canada, Denmark, Belgium, Italy, Spain, Greece and Qatar to support the Libyan uprising against dictator Muammar Gaddafi?


The earthquake and tsunami in Japan that has now resulted in nearly 9,000 deaths?

Don’t think so.

The subsequent nuclear accidents that resulted in a release of radiation that may kill everybody?


Rebecca Black?


She has been trending on Twitter for about 10 days non-stop. Her YouTube video has now eclipsed 31 million views. And within ten minutes of walking the streets of Philadelphia on Friday, I distinctly heard a group of schoolgirls sing the words “Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!” very loudly.

What is happening? Why is this song so popular?

The song is awful. We all know that. Nobody can even attempt to make the argument that Rebecca Black has any semblance of musical talent. Plus she’s not even good-looking. I know she’s only 13. but 13-year olds can still be cute. She’s hideous.

I think I know why it’s so popular.

1) The “train wreck theory.” You know, that thing where it’s so bad that you can’t turn your head away? That’s the song. And the video. It’s almost stunning that something so horrific could happen, that it captivates us. When you hear about a train wreck, you want to know things about it. How did this happen? Why? When? Same thing with this song. You want to know how such a disaster ever came to fruition.

2) It has catchy lyrics. I know that Rebecca Black’s voice sucks. But the song still manages to have a catchy, simple hook. “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.” The idiots of America eat that shit right up. How is it any different from “Yeah, yeah, party in the USA!”? It’s also a very easy song to get stuck in your head.

3) Everybody loves Friday. If the song was about the positive qualities of Wednesday, I do not think it would be so popular. On Fridays, everybody is in a good mood, and they’ll express it by singing this song.

4) Social media. In today’s age, it’s all about up to the second — not hour, not minute… second — news. last week, everybody was obsessed with Charlie Sheen. But now, he’s old news. No one cares about him anymore. At this precise moment, Rebecca Black is “it.” In a week or two from now, she’ll be old news just like good ol’ Charlie, and some other loser will step up and steal the spotlight.

5) People love to ignore real news. No one wants to talk about the tsunami or the Libyan War, because it’s real and its scary. So instead, we talk about Rebecca Black. it’s funny, it’s relevant, and it comes with no negative consequences.

6) Conformity. Everybody needs to be in the loop nowadays. If everybody else is talking about it, then you have to know also. Otherwise, you’ll be left behind. Nobody wants to be left behind.

That’s pretty much it. That’s why people are obsessing over this song. If I can say anything positive about Rebecca Black, it’s that her existence makes me appreciate other artists like Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Kesha, etc. I may be critical of them at times, but, at least they are capable of carrying a note and sounding pleasant. Basically everything that Rebecca Black can’t do.

It is pretty shameful that somebody like her can become an overnight sensation, meanwhile there are thousands of talented singers in the world that will never get recognition. Just shows the value of having a rich daddy.

I think at this point I have exhausted the topic of Rebecca Black.

I’ll just say one more thing, In the words of the immortal Charlie Sheen… she is clearly not winning.

We’re at War?

So I spent the last two days in Philadelphia, and sometime while I was over there, our nation went to war.

The United States of America is at war. It’s not quite the Revolutionary War or World War I or World War II, but it’s still a pretty big deal when the country you live in declares war (although apparently it was the U.N. that declared it, not the U.S.)

Japan’s blowing up, the U.S. is at war, Rebecca Black exists… what is going on with the world?! Crazy stuff.

Who are you all rooting for? Personally, I hope the U.S. pulls it off. I have them going to the elite 8 in my bracket.

Yup, I’m the asshole that just made a joke about a current war. In all seriousness, God bless our troops. Get home safe and fast.

But, personally, I think we should just send Charlie Sheen over to Libya. He’s got tiger blood man, those Libyans won’t know what hit them!

Anyway, like I said, I was in Philadelphia this weekend. I always just assumed Philadelphia sucks because I hate Philadelphia sports fans with my heart. However, Philadelphia is a great place.

Essentially, it’s smaller, cheaper, cleaner, more vintage and just all-around nicer than New York City.

There’s a lot more history. Every bar is a small Irish pub. Beers cost three dollars. Cabs are cheap. Everything aspect of Philadelphia is a little bit better than New York City.

Although I was drunk about half of the time I was there, so I may have just hallucinated everything that I just said.

Personally, I love dive bars. I like old taverns that sell cheap beer, play good music and offer comfortable seating arrangements. Every bar in Philly had that. I was basically in Heaven.

By the way, it really is always sunny in Philadelphia. Every day I was there was beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky. And we also went to Mac’s Tavern at one point, a bar owned by the actor from the show! It was pretty cool. We also went to a bar that is supposedly one of the oldest bars in the county. So I felt a sense of nationalism in my drunkenness while in that establishment.

Also, March Madness is happening. So that was terrific entertainment that kept me captivated all throughout my 48-hour drinking binge.

I highly encourage everyone to go to Philadelphia at some point in their lives. Check out the liberty bell, or run up the steps of the art museum a la Rocky, or just go bar hopping through their wonderful Irish pubs. Or do them all! Oh, and of course, eat a Philly cheese steak while you’re there. Except that there they just call them cheese steaks.

I wish I could say more, and I probably will at some point, but this weekend drained me. I need a nice long [sober] sleep.


Move Over Japan… It’s March Madness Time!

Today might be the greatest day of the year. At the very least, it’s the best day of the year so far.


Let me tell ya!

Not only was is beautiful outside, but it’s St. Patrick’s Day (which… means nothing to me actually since I’m not Irish) and, more importantly, it’s the opening day of Mach Madness!

For sports fans, this is basically porn. Actually, scratch that. For sports fans, porn is porn. But March Madness is right up there.

Beginning at noon, there is college basketball on all day. There is not much better than watching a 13 seed try to pull off a miraculous upset against a 4 seed, and especially when you accurately predicted it in your March Madness bracket.

Speaking of which, I laugh when people go crazy when they accurately predicted a first round game. Unless you lose one of your final fours on the first day, the first round really means nothing. Whether I picked it or not, I will always root for the underdog.

So yeah, March Madness is awesome. I couldn’t believe it at 6:00 when CBS turned away from March Madness and went to the news and started talking about Japan. Pretty much the last thing I care about on March Madness Day.

It’s cool too that it happened to fall on St. Patrick’s Day. And while we’re on the topic, who wore a green shirt today?

If you answered yes, go ahead and slap yourself in the face! Especially if you’re not Irish.

The worst part about St. Patrick’s Day was waking up and seeing people’s Facebook status updates talking about being in the city at 10:00 a.m. and how awesome it is.

First of all..

1) Do you not have jobs?

2) It’s 10 a.m.

2) The city is AWFUL on St. Patrick’s Day. Arguably the worst place on Earth. Crowded city, drunk assholes, crowded bars, $20 covers, $10 beers. Last place I’d ever go on St. Patty’s.

4) It’s 10 a.m.

5) Go. To. Work.

How am I celebrating St. Patty’s? Well, let me tell ya! I’m not doing anything tonight, unfortunately. That’s because I’m waking up early tomorrow morning to head to the beautiful (and by beautiful, I really mean shitty) city of Philadelphia for what is essentially going to be a 48-hour drinking binge. It is going to be AWESOME.

Plus I just checked the weather for Philly — supposed to be 72 degrees and sunny tomorrow! There’s a 30% chance of showers on Saturday, which kind of sucks, but that’s bearable. But tomorrow should be absolutely grand.

Yup, I said grand.

Not only is it awesome to be drunk during the day. But it’s awesome to be drunk during the day in a new city. And not only is it awesome to be drunk during the day while in a new city, but it’s even more awesome when March Madness is going on. Words can’t express how excited I am.

Go ahead. Just try to convince me otherwise that this isn’t one of the best times of the year. I dare you. Not so good for Japan, but awesome for me. By the way, text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate 10 bucks. Or spend it on beer. I really don’t care.

Hope everyone is enjoying this time of the year as much as I am, and guess what day tomorrow is? In the words of the great Rebecca Black, “It’s Friday, Friday, Gotta get down on Friday!”