People Who Can’t Sleep

It really annoys me when the same people constantly tell me about how they had trouble sleeping.

I see them and they have that defeated look on their face and when I ask them what’s wrong, they respond “couldn’t sleep again.”

That’s not an excuse to act like a little bitch. Let me tell you something… I know that insomnia exists and all that crap, but if you can’t sleep, 90% of the time it’s mental. Meaning it’s your own doing. You go to bed with all this shit on your mind, and you probably start worrying about how you may not fall asleep fast enough, and in result, you don’t fall asleep fast enough.

It’s all your fault. And I have zero sympathy for you.

Sleeping is a freaking godsend. I don’t know how anybody can’t get full enjoyment out of laying your head on the pillow at the end of a long day, clearing your mind of all troubles, and drifting into a nice easy sleep and entering — what I like to call – dreamworld.

The way these people act, you’d think that sleeping is a chore.

I sleep amazingly every night. Amazingly.

You want to know how? I’ll give you some tips.

1) Don’t think. There’s nothing you can accomplish while you’re lying in bed at midnight. If you had a rough day, or you’re anticipating a rough day, who the fuck cares? On one hand, it’s either over and you don’t have to think about it anymore, or it’s not for several hours and you get to have a nice long slumber before it has to happen. Sleeping is the ultimate form of procrastination!

2) Sort of the same thing, but, don’t be stressed! What are you stressed about while lying in your pajamas in your comfortable bed? It’s the least stressful place in the world! Maybe you should jerk off or something before lying down next time.

3) Work out. If you spend a good 60-90 minutes a day exercising, I promise you that you will sleep like a baby. It’ll drain so much out of you that you’ll fall asleep even earlier than you intended to. Plus you also reap the other benefits of working out!

4) Smoke weed. Not that I do this myself [anymore], nor do I ever encourage illegal activity, but this will definitely help. Just make sure to do it over an hour before you intend to go to sleep.

5) Don’t be a bitch. Again, sleeping is the ultimate escape. While you’re there, you’re not working, you’re not talking, you’re not driving, you’re doing NOTHING. How hard is that to do?

I love sleeping so much that I just can’t understand how people have trouble with it. I even grin when I lie down in bed because I’m so happy. It would probably freak people out if they were sleeping with me. Fortunately for me, that never happens.

Wait, did I say fortunately?


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