The Friend Zone

It’s pretty shocking that I’ve never written a blog about the dreaded “friend zone” before.

I say this because it’s such a prevalent thing– everybody knows about it, and it’s a huge epidemic facing [fat and/or unattractive] men everywhere.

Being “stuck in the friend zone” means that you have affection towards a particular girl, and while you have actually made the bold step to enter into her life, it’s not in the way that you want it. You are not deemed a romantic interest in her eye; in fact, you’re basically the complete opposite. She thinks of you in a completely platonic way and never for a second has she ever had one single shred of desire for it to be anything more.

Don’t get me wrong, it means that she actually does like you as a person. But just as a friend. And nothing more.

Being in the “friend zone” does have some redeeming qualities. For her to want you to be your friend, it means you probably have a decent personality. You’re nice and you probably have a good sense of humor.

How does one come upon being stuck in the friend zone? Well, there’s a variety of reasons; lack of aggressiveness or aiming for girls too out of your league, to name a couple. But for the most part, it all alludes to one thing…

You’re simply not attractive. It’s a shallow thing, but it’s the way it is. Most likely, you’re unattractive because you are overweight. Like most of America. And, you know, it sucks, but it’s mainly your fault. Eat less Twinkies and hit the gym once in a while.

When you think of someone being stuck in the friend zone, you think of a chubby, dorky-looking guy. Basically this:


If you’re fat and/or ugly, it really doesn’t matter how nice or good of a person you are. She won’t like you. And let’s face it, can you blame her? If — and a big if — she’s attractive, she can probably get nearly any guy she wants. Why would she choose somebody out of shape and overweight when she can find somebody that has a much better physical presence?

The reason I don’t think I ever discussed this before is because it isn’t really something that is a problem for me. Now I’m not trying to come off like a player here; I don’t strut down the sidewalk thinking I’m James Dean or anything, but I know at the very least — I’m average looking.

In addition, I may not get many girls, but I like to think that I have a pretty clairvoyant sense of knowing when a girl may or may not have interest in me. All I really need is 10 minutes with a girl and I can usually tell. Thus, when those 10 minutes pass, and I got nothing, I usually just give up.

Conversely, the fat unattractive person — who doesn’t have a clairvoyant sense because girls rarely ever show interest in them and thus they don’t know what a girl acts like when she has interest — won’t give up. And they will hold on to hope. And they will not succeed. Ever.

I bring this up because I know somebody who probably suffers from the worst case of “the friend zone” that I have ever seen.

It’s amusing, but it’s also really pathetic to watch.

I say it’s pathetic because it’s so transparent when a guy is clearly in love with another girl. He’ll find any excuse to talk to her, he’ll be so nice to her that it becomes truly unbearable to witness, and his attempts at flirting will be so horrific that it’ll make an outside observer cringe.

It amazes me that it doesn’t ever dawn on them that they have no chance. You’d think that after about a year, you may have gotten the point, right? But, no, clearly they have not.

I really just don’t get it. If a girl shows no romantic interest in you for the entire duration of your friendship, what makes you think she will wake up one morning, see the light, and want to go out with you? And why even do that to yourself?

Basically what I am saying, is man up, you fat, pathetic losers that are stuck in the friend zone. Allowing yourself to get stuck in the friend zone is simply an enabler to your patheticness.

Don’t take this too harshly. I am just trying to help you.

By the way, did you know that Facebook removed a group page today created by Palestinians that were trying to organize an uprising against Israel on May 15? More than 350,000 people had joined it, and on the group page, it said “Judgment Day will be brought upon us only once the Muslims have killed all of the Jews.”

Hmm. Facebook went from being a website to determining who you had the same classes with, to a social networking hub where everyone could share their meaningless thoughts and feelings, to a website where terrorist groups organize a genocide.

Nice, Zuckerberg… nice.

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