The Royal Wedding

I am conveniently traveling to Memphis tomorrow morning while hurricanes and tornadoes abound all over the south. It’s a very comforting thought. But hey, I’ve never seen a tornado before in person. So maybe I’ll be in for a treat!

Damage done in Alabama

Okay, according to weather experts, the storm is done in the south, and is in fact moving north. So fortunately, I am missing it. Tennessee will not be harmed.

By the way, take a look at this picture, also from the New York Times website:

Um, is that not the same exact wooden structure that Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton tie themselves to at the end of Twister? Because I really think it is. I’m almost certain of it.

Anyway, I’m heading there tomorrow for the Beale Street Music Festival. A three-day musical event featuring over a hundred bands. It’s occurring right in the heart of Memphis on, you guessed it, Beale Street. Supposedly, it’s the Mardi Gras of Tennessee. It’s basically going to be a three-day romp of music, beer, ribs and.. whatever else there is in Tennessee. Oh yeah, and I’m going to game 6 of the Memphis Grizzlies/San Antonio Spurs playoff basketball game tomorrow night. So, yeah… it’s going to be pretty good.

But who cares? Who cares about Memphis? Who cares about the storm? Who cares that the death toll now nears 300? The Royal Wedding is tomorrow!

For girls, this is like Valentine’s Day, their own wedding anniversary and any day that Glee is on TV… combined. For girls that dream about their own wedding, and love to analyze everyone else’s, this is like their Super Bowl.

For those who live under a rock, tomorrow is the wedding of Prince William of Walesand Kate Middleton. The service begins 11 a.m. local time at the Buckingham Palace. Where my future wedding will take place.

The only reason I have any interest whatsoever in this ordeal is because I sort of love Kate Middleton.

Lovely Kate

She is a beautiful specimen. She’s not the type of girl you want to simply have a one night stand with. She’s the type of girl you want to take home to meet your mom. She’s the type of girl you want to… marry.

Unfortunately, I heard she only goes for Princes. Last I checked, I’m still just a normal peasant.

If I was a prince, and I lived in a palace, I can’t imagine I would have that much trouble getting girls. In fact, I’d even settle for being a Knight.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. The wedding takes place tomorrow, and it’s been estimated that two billion people will watch the wedding worldwide (I will not be one of them.) TWO BILLION. That’s like a billion… plus another billion!

Of those 2 billion I’m curious to know what the disparity will be between guys and girls. I truly hope it is about 97% to 3%. And the only reason I give 3% is to accommodate the gay population. Can’t forget those guys. If you’re a straight male, and you watch the Royal Wedding… please hand in your man card. Yes, we have those. We just keep it a secret.

I don’t care how much your girlfriend/fiance/wife/hooker begs you to watch it with her. I don’t care if she guarantees you nonstop sex for a week. I don’t care if she promises she will partake in a threesome with any other girl of your choice. YOU DO NOT WATCH.

I know girls love weddings because they’re supposed to be romantic and beautiful, and love is supposed to be in the air, blah blah blah. So naturally, girls have to be very curious as to what arguably the most famous wedding ever to take place in recent memory is going to look like.

I bet most married girls will even have the arrogance to think “pssh, my wedding was better…”

As for me? Like I said, I will not watch. But I hope some wild twist occurs. Like the bride-to-be backs out because she was secretly having an affair with the Prince’s brother, or something. Or she’s a lesbian. Now that would be good television. At the very least, I hope somebody trips while walking down the aisle.

I wonder if the wedding party will walk down the aisle to the song “Forever” by Chris Brown, like they did in that Youtube video? That would be something that one would expect from royalty, right?

Also, I wonder what the policy will be for keeping out wedding crashers at this wedding? Because you know people are going to try. I’d imagine that there will be a small army there to prevent just that. It would be a pretty sick story to be able to say that you crashed the Royal Wedding. Who knows, maybe you’ll even pick up a nice little British chick in the meantime.

Okay, I’m tired of talking about this wedding. Girls, I truly hope you enjoy it. Just remember, please do not write on Facebook that you cried while watching it. That’s disgusting.

Peace everyone. Memphis, come!

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I am an United States citizen

Before some of my critics out there begin questioning me, I want to assure you all that I am indeed an United States citizen. I know that conspiracy theorists have been attempting to discredit me by claiming that I am really from some faraway land, but I want to silence everyone and end this silliness once and for all.

To do that, I have decided to post my long-form birth certificate. This should be incontrovertible proof that I am indeed a member of the United States of America.

Here it is:

There it is. Now, can you all please shut up? Can you all let me focus on my job as a blogger without having to answer nonsensical questions about my origins?

GOD.

…Alright, as you all might now, or probably don’t, rather, the big news today was that Barack Obama posted his long-form birth certificate on the official white house page today.

This comes after years of conspiracy theorists claiming that Brrack was not born in Hawaii, but somewhere outside our great nation…

FACEPALM

Why was this ever in doubt? Do you think Barack Obama could have fooled millions and millions of people? Do you think that there wasn’t some type of document in existence that proved that he was an American citizen? That he would have even been allowed to run for president if there was any shred of doubt?

The fact that Obama even had to do such a thing shows how retarded our country really is.

Now, I’ve always known that “conspiracy theorists” is basically synonymous with the word “crazy,” but come on.

And who was the asshole that was leading the crowd, saying that Obama needed to prove he was an American?

Domald Trump.

Are you kidding me? Who does this guy think he is?

Donald, you’re a great businessman. Obviously. You have built an empire. You have the worst haircut ever, and your extremely attractive wife obviously does not have one single bit of attraction towards you.

JUST BE HAPPY WITH THAT.

Please, please do not run for president. Do it for your own sake. Because you are only going to embarrass yourself and our great country. Just don’t do it.

The sad thing is, if Trump does become a serious candidate for president, he wouldn’t even be the worst candidate. That is an impossible distinction to hold when Sarah Palin is also in the running.

Where are the defiant leaders that once ruled our great country? The George Washingtons, the Abraham Lincolns, the John F. Kennedys, the Harrison Fords in the movie Air Force One?

Tell me, how was Stephen Colbert unable to run for president last term, but Donald Trump can?

The worst part about today’s events was that Donald Trump was all smug, thinking that he singlehandedly made Obama reveal his birth certificate. His exact quote was:

“I’m very proud of myself because I’ve accomplished something that nobody else has been able to accomplish,” Mr. Trump said. “I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully, getting rid of this issue.”

Where is that facepalm link again? Again, today was a very sad day in our country.

But let’s get back to more important things. Like what is going on in the Facebook world…

Facebook fact of the day: Apparently, for one of my Facebook friends, tomorrow is going to be “a hellish day.”

Yeah… I can’t even pretend like I care about this.

Movie alert: I finally saw No Strings Attached. Great little movie. Natural performances by Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher along with extremely funny dialogue make for a good movie that avoids normal romantic comedy clichés… until the final scene. But it had established itself well before then, so all is forgiven. It gets the Weinblog seal of approval.

Countdown to Memphis: Two days! Woo-hoo! I hope there isn’t a tornado! That would suck! A lot!

Awkward goodbye: Yeah, so I, uhh… I think I’m gonna head out now… bye?

Dumb bitch stole my spot

So I went to the gym shortly after work today. It had been a long day, and I arrived at the gym much later than I usually do. So I wanted to be really quick. I wanted to get into the gym, do a quick workout, and get out.

But, of course, since my gym sucks, I found myself waiting behind a line of cars to get a parking spot. After about 15 minutes of waiting, I finally got to the front of the line. As I’m waiting for somebody to finally leave and claim their car, a silver car enters the parking lot and drives ahead of me. People do that all the time to either pick somebody up, drop somebody off, or park in a handicapped spot, so I thought nothing of it at the time.

A few minutes later, a wave of people leave the gym. Finally. So I’m waiting towards the back of the parking lot to see who will leave first. I notice a person walk towards their car at the front of the parking lot, but I stay where I am to make sure that they’re definitely leaving. Meanwhile, the other person who left the gym walks to a car right next to me.

However, I see the person towards the front begin to back out, so I drive forward to get ready and take the spot. The car leaves, and I’m on my way there, and that what happens? That silver car who had driven ahead of me earlier goes and in and takes the fucking spot! I can’t believe what I just saw, and then I look behind me and see that the car waiting right after me takes the other spot that had opened.

I look ahead and stare the asshole who leaves the silver car and walks to the gym. It’s some dumb bitch who’s way too tan for her own good and with awful blonde streaks in her hair while wearing sunglasses. Some Jersey Shore dumb blond bitch hoe stole my motherfucking spot.

I was absolutely fuming. I only waited maybe two minutes longer to get a spot after that, but that’s not the point. That bitch deserved to pay. Fortunately, I was going into a place where I could burn off all my steam, — which I did — but even after I left, I was staring at the bitch’s car and imagining what I should do to it.

I’ve never been somebody who would ever even think of inflicting damage on somebody’s vehicle. It’s an extremely dick thing to do.

But this bitch deserved it. I actually stared around the parking lot to see if I could get away with kicking in her tail light. You can’t get away with that shit! You deserve to be punished if you fucking drive ahead of a whole line of cars and just steal a spot like that. Obviously this bitch is a menace to society, and who knows what other shitty things she does on a daily basis.

Even now, over an hour later, I still regret not doing anything. I’m currently weighing the pros and cons of kicking in her car…

Pro: I’d have a deep, DEEP, feeling of self-satisfaction right now.

Con: If somebody saw me, I could have been caught. The police would probably have gotten involved, and I may have gotten arrested.

Pro: I’d have a deep, DEEP, feeling of self-satisfaction right now.

Con: If I were caught, and even if I didn’t get arrested, I would obviously be responsible for paying for it. That would be a shitload of money that I really don’t need to lose.

Pro: I’d have a deep, DEEP, feeling of self-satisfaction right now.

Con: My family would probably think very low of me.

Pro: Did I mention that I’d have a deep, DEEP, feeling of self-satisfaction right now?

Hmm, in the end, I think the pros outweigh the cons. It all really would have come down to how cautious I was, and whether I made sure that nobody was around to see me. Plus I’ve never attempted to kick in a car before. I don’t know how much force would be required or how loud it would be. It might hurt my foot also.

I suppose it’s for the best that I didn’t do anything. However, that bitch is going about her day thinking that she didn’t do anything wrong. God, I hope she’s one of those girls with low self-esteem that really hates herself.

Writing this blog about it was a little therapeutic, I guess. Blogging… the pussy’s form of revenge.

Anyway…

Facebook update of the day: Apparently one of my Facebook friends had no hot water in his shower.

The world weeps. Stay strong, buddy.

Random link/Youtube video? Well, since you asked…

Keanu Reeves really is the worst actor ever. I’m not saying it out of spite; more out admiration that somebody with such little talent in one specific skill could actually have a successful career in said skill. It’s like an illiterate person having a successful career as a poet. Want proof? here it is:

Keanu, that is not how people sneeze. Nobody leans back and then spasms, and then following the sneeze, stares longingly into the night mist. How the hell do you overact a sneeze?! I really don’t understand.

Today’s lucky numbers:

4,19, 38, 43.

Those numbers have absolutely no significance. I just made them up off of the top of my head right now.

A bowl of cornflakes goes a long way!

I usually don’t have breakfast in the mornings. Mostly because I’m too lazy. I’d rather sleep an extra fifteen minutes than wake up earlier and make myself something to eat.

However, I realized that when I don’t eat breakfast, I find myself starving by lunchtime. In result, I pig out and eat way much more than I should. Following the excess devouring of food, I return to my desk at work and fall into a food coma, and I feel like shit. It’s just a whole downward spiral of suck.

Today I decided that I would eat something in the morning. I went into the kitchen and peered into the cabinet, and I decided that the best option was Corn Flakes.

I’ve always been a fan of Corn Flakes. Some people say that they are bland, but they do have a distinct taste to it that one can enjoy. Sure, they’re not as delicious as Frosted Flakes, but they’re healthier. And healthier is good.

So I took a few minutes and poured myself a bowl. I considered for a few seconds adding a banana into the mix, but decided that it would be way too much effort. I added some milk, ate the flakes and then departed for work.

I got to tell you… the Corn Flakes did wonders. Come lunchtime, I wasn’t really hungry, but knew I should eat again, so I went with my co-workers to the deli and bought a salad. After eating the salad, I felt great.

All I had eaten on the day were healthy meals. I suffered no 2 p.m. crash and I felt energetic all day. I was consumed with natural energy that only comes with eating healthy and nutritionally. It really is amazing what a simple bowl of Corn Flakes could so.

Normally at around 2:00 I go get my afternoon coffee, but today I didn’t even need it. I still got it anyway, but I could have easily done without it.

I seriously felt like I could have accomplished anything today. For those that have seen the movie Limitless, Corn Flakes were like my NZT. All it took was a few bites, and suddenly I was remembering calculus equations in my head that I had learned six years ago. I suddenly knew how to speak French. I also could efficiently play the clarinet.

A bowl of Corn Flakes is truly a miracle meal. I will now officially start every day of my life with it. The cereal will set the tone for me on a daily basis, and my entire life from this point forward will now be changed. All because I ate Corn Flakes today.

Nothing else will suffice. Not Frosted Flakes, not Lucky Charms, not Cocoa Puffs, not Cookie Crisp… nothing. I could wake up to a food platter of eggs, bacon, pancakes, muffins, fresh fruit and orange juice sitting on a tray on my bed, and I wouldn’t even touch it.

Okay, that’s a lie. I would destroy that entire meal. Plus it’d be amazing to wake up to that sitting in front of you. I need a wife. That’s what they’re for, right?

THE GREATEST FOOD KNOWN TO MAN

I’m eating a piece of cake right now. Pretty much cancels out all the healthy food from today.

So, what’s going on in the world?

Apparently crazy shit is going on Syria. A 5-week uprising has resulted in Syria deploying their army and killing 25 people. The Middle East is an absolute disaster right now. But the average American probably thinks that Syria is a brand of maple syrup.

So, what’s going on in the Facebook world?

Well, since you asked… apparently one of my Facebook friends (who shall go unnamed) is fed up with all of the dumbasses her in life, and she is now “done with them.”

Bravo. Well done. Thanks for letting me know.

Who wants a random link? No one? Well, here’s one anyway!

Remember Mortal Kombat? Of course you do. Well apparently there is a new version out, and, well, I don’t know about you… but the new fatalities seem a little too overly violent for me…

New Mortal Kombat Fatalities

Just a tad excessive if you ask me. I’m not really one of those people who says that violent video games lead to violence in reality, because I think that if you’re that susceptible to pick something up from a mere video game, you would have picked it up somewhere else along the way anyway.

But, that being said, if I ever hear of a story where someone kills somebody by slashing their body in four directions with a sword, followed by ripping their heart out with their fists… I’ll probably think they got that from this game.

Congratulations to everybody for making it through Monday. This morning I definitely would have tore somebody’s heart out with my fist had they crossed me the wrong way, and that was before I even knew about this game! Yay violence!

How to appear smart

I was definitely one of those people who walked away after viewing The Social Network thinking “Damn… I wish I was that smart.”

There’s not many things that I’m all that sensitive about. You can insult me and I just shrug it off, and most of the time will even laugh along. However, one thing I’ve always been fairly sensitive about is my intelligence. If somebody makes a statement towards me eluding to that fact that I’m stupid, I will get very mad. (Most of the time, however, they come right after I just said something really stupid.)

Not that I’m an idiot or anything. I like to think that I have a capable brain, and that when I really try hard, I can surprise people with my knowledge. Like all people, I’m ignorant in some subjects, and I excel in others. I may never create a social networking site that accumulates 600 million active users, but I do what I can and am able to get by.

I know what my limitations are. I know that there are some things I’ll never understand no matter how hard I try. I’m okay with that.

That being said, there are ways that you can make yourself appear smarter than you really are. It’s very simple and it will only take a few minutes out of your day.

Here’s what you do…

Firstly, check the New York Times website at least once a day. It’s the premiere website for news (nationally at least), and consists of great reporting. Simply by reading the headline of the top story on the front page, you will — at the very least — know what is going on in the world. You will know what the biggest story is, and you won’t feel like an idiot when somebody brings it up and you have no idea what they’re talking about.

Now, once you can make that a habit, here is the next step: Actually click on the link.

I know… I know. It’s a lot to ask. But if you click on the link, you will be able to actually get more information. Sometimes even just looking at the photos will help you to gain more insight.

Now, New York Times’ stories are typically fairly long. Like a few pages along. I’m not asking you to read the whole thing; I don’t expect you all to have that great of an attention span (I certainly don’t.)

But the beauty of journalism is that the heart of the story, and all the main details, are in the beginning! All you have to do is read the first few paragraphs and you’re done! Now, not only do you know what is going on in the world, but you will be able to explain it to other people to help them understand it!

Honestly, it’s amazing how far this can get you. You can really turn some people’s heads by busting out some tidbits on the latest crisis in the Middle East. Because we all know that there is a new one every day.

And, as an added benefit, the more you do it, the more knowledge you are gaining! You are actually becoming smarter!

Some people probably read my blog and think that since I talk about current events frequently, I’m pretty smart. They must think, “Damn… this kid knows his shit!”

Well, I don’t!

Most of the time, when I give specific details of current events or historical occurrences, I just got them off of Wikipedia moments before I wrote it. It’s no secret. I’m just as stupid as all of you!

Remember, it’s all about appearing to be smarter than you really are. Heck, maybe you’ll even fool yourself into thinking that you’re really smart. And as long as you think it, than who cares about anybody else?

And that, my friends, is how it’s done.

You’re all my friends, right?

…right?

I’d like to end this pre-weekend (and pre Easter!) blog by making everybody aware of an awesome story.

Calico cat swims safely across New York Harbor 

Supposedly this cat got washed up in ferocious rains that hit New Jersey last weekend, and caused him/her to doggie-paddle across the harbor from New Jersey all the way to New York. The cat is now safe and sound at Governor’s Island!

It's an Easter miracle!

What a brave little soul. God bless that cat.

Now that we all feel warm and fuzzy, I’d like to wish everybody a very happy Easter. Eat lots of chocolate… but not too much!

And if you see the Easter Bunny, punch that piece of shit in the face for me. He deserves it.

Is today cursed?

weeeeed

The above picture is what comes to everybody’s mind when they think of 4/20. I’m not exactly sure how it originated, but the numbers 4:20 have always been known as toke time. Collegiates tend to celebrate the “holiday” by ditching class, going in the woods somewhere, and getting high all day.

Not a bad way to spend a day. But only if you don’t make it habit. Than it becomes a bad way to spend a life.

So that makes this date sound like it’s one of the better days of the year. However, most people aren’t aware of the dark side of 4/20. Many bad things have happened in the world on this day, with many of them being fairly recent. Now where do we begin?

The birthday of Adolf Hitler

Yeah, you remember that guy. The guy who almost single-handedly ruined the world. Also responsible for the killing of about 6 million Jews. Just your run of the mill crimes.

He was born on April 20, 1889.

Side note, it always amused me how people would say how if they possessed a time machine, the first thing they would do is go back in time and kill Hitler. Yeah, it took about six countries combined to bring down Hitler. But I’m sure that you, completely on your own, with no military experience whatsoever, could just slip into his bunker and kill him. No problem.

So yeah, that’s the first bad thing to have happened on this date. What else?

Columbine school shooting

This occurred on April 20, 1999, making today the 12-year anniversary. Twelve students and one teacher were killed, making it the fourth deadliest school massacre in the United States (the 2007 Virginia Tech shooting was worse.)

This was a pretty terrible thing, and another thing to add to the list. But wait, there’s more…

BP oil spill

Exactly one year ago today the Deepwater Horizon exploded, releasing 4,900,000 barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. This incident killed thousands of animals and basically fucked up our entire environment.

And, to top it off, on April 19th, 1995, the Oklahoma City bombing occurred. Just one day short!

What is it about April 20th that terrible things happen in the world?!

I certainly don’t know the answer. And I certainly didn’t create this blog with the intention of striking fear into everyone. As I write this, there are just four hours left in the day, and as far as I know, nothing terrible has happened in the world. So we made it through! Woo-hoo!

I just thought it was really odd that three huge, infamous tragedies occurred on the same date.

But who wants to think about that? Everybody go smoke a blunt!

What’s with the fascination with other people’s ethnicities?

Whenever you see somebody — whether in reality or on television — that looks like they could be half black or half white, or some other undetermined ethnicity (or basically just something that isn’t obvious and straightforward), everyone I know immediately questions what their ethnicity is.

It’ll puzzle them so much that they’ll spend lengths of time discussing it, and then it will finally conclude with somebody looking it up to get the the answer.

I don’t understand why it matters. And not because I’m one of those “everyone is beautiful, blah blah blah” bullshitters, I just legitimately don’t care about that. If somebody does look like they are of a mixed race, maybe I’ll wonder about it for a second, and then I will go about with the rest of my day.

Obviously this is a ticky-tacky subject, and you never ask somebody (unless you’re close with them) what their race is. Just talking about it behind someone’s back is borderline inappropriate. but since when does that ever stopped anybody?

People’s main obsession is with determining if somebody is black or not. Like Derek Jeter. Or Jason Kidd, for example. Or Tiger Woods. Honestly though, what difference does it make? Will it make you think differently about them?

I truly don’t even know what I am to be perfectly honest. I just consider myself of the white race.

On that note, can somebody actually clear up for me once and for all what the difference between ethnicity and race is? I still have trouble with that.

Perhaps people are just fascinated with cultures. And I know people are still obsessed with affirmative action and the benefits it gives it minorities applying to colleges and jobs.

However, it’s really at the point now where I think it’s safe to say that everybody is equal. We have a black freaking president. If anything, I think measures like affirmative action that are implemented to give minorities “their fair shot” are more racist than doing nothing. It’s 2011, not 1982. They don’t need it anymore.

We are all one. We are all united.

We are the people.

But I’m still very happy that I’m white.