I don’t know about you guys, but I hate standing on lines. I really hate it.
I’m an extremely impatient person. I also hate being stuck in traffic. Stagnation is not my strong suit. The one good thing about being stuck in traffic is that you can punch the steering wheel, yell loudly and curse people out, and nobody will hear you because you’re in your car. I swear, if people actually could see and/or hear me when I’m stuck in traffic, they’d be very concerned for my mental health.
However, when you’re waiting on a long line that hasn’t moved in quite some time, you can’t do those things. People can actually see you. So I have to stand there with an indifferent expression on my face, and meanwhile, inside my head… I am absolutely boiling with hate.
I look at each person that is in front of me and I just start cursing the hell out of them in my head. I don’t need to know a single thing about them; I automatically hate them and want them to die. The things I think in my head during these times are absolutely malicious towards these people. You name it: they’re bigoted, racist, ignorant, sexist, etc.
It’s completely and totally unwarranted. All these people are guilty of is arriving to the same line a couple of minutes before I did.
And then I see a person on line talking on their cell phone. They’re getting fairly close to it being their turn in line, and yet, they’re showing no signs of ending their conversation.
I stare at these people the entire time they’re on the phone. My entire body becomes filled with hate. In these times, I think that the hatred pouring out of me is actually visible.
As they get nearer and nearer to it being their turn in line, I start thinking, “You better hang up that fucking phone. You better end that fucking shit conversation you’re having. Holy shit, they’re not ending the fucking conversation? Can you believe it? Can you fucking believe it?”
And then they don’t even say “hold on” to the person they’re talking to. They simply shift the phone a couple of inches away from their face, and they look at the person behind the counter — an innocent person who is just doing their job — as if they’re being rude and interrupting their conversation.
While this is occurring, I fantasize of a scenario where I could whip out a crossbow — yes, a crossbow — and shoot this person in the head. Only a crossbow would do justice.
Or better yet, I want to grab their phone and just punt it as far as I possibly can.
Uh, listen asshole, you’ve been waiting in this line for several minutes, and you’ve been on the phone the whole time. Is it really that hard to say into the phone, “give me a minute, I’m ordering now,” and then put the phone down, and eloquently state exactly what it is you which to order? Is that not an easier method than quickly mumbling what is you want and then returning back to your conversation despite the fact that the person you ordered to had absolutely no idea what the hell you just said since you gave such a half-assed order.
If I ever own a store, I’m making a strict rule that you are not allowed to use a cell phone while you are standing on line. And in small fine print under it, it will say, “By breaking this rule, you are allowing store employees to hit you over the head with a shovel.”
Oh my God, and don’t even get me started on people who use Bluetooths. That is infinitely worse. I can’t look at a person that uses a Bluetooth and not think they’re an asshole. It’s just not possible.
Honestly, I don’t care if at any moment you may be expecting a call from your wife telling you that she’s going into labor. if you are standing on a line, do not pick up that call.
Just don’t do it.