I am an United States citizen

Before some of my critics out there begin questioning me, I want to assure you all that I am indeed an United States citizen. I know that conspiracy theorists have been attempting to discredit me by claiming that I am really from some faraway land, but I want to silence everyone and end this silliness once and for all.

To do that, I have decided to post my long-form birth certificate. This should be incontrovertible proof that I am indeed a member of the United States of America.

Here it is:

There it is. Now, can you all please shut up? Can you all let me focus on my job as a blogger without having to answer nonsensical questions about my origins?

GOD.

…Alright, as you all might now, or probably don’t, rather, the big news today was that Barack Obama posted his long-form birth certificate on the official white house page today.

This comes after years of conspiracy theorists claiming that Brrack was not born in Hawaii, but somewhere outside our great nation…

FACEPALM

Why was this ever in doubt? Do you think Barack Obama could have fooled millions and millions of people? Do you think that there wasn’t some type of document in existence that proved that he was an American citizen? That he would have even been allowed to run for president if there was any shred of doubt?

The fact that Obama even had to do such a thing shows how retarded our country really is.

Now, I’ve always known that “conspiracy theorists” is basically synonymous with the word “crazy,” but come on.

And who was the asshole that was leading the crowd, saying that Obama needed to prove he was an American?

Domald Trump.

Are you kidding me? Who does this guy think he is?

Donald, you’re a great businessman. Obviously. You have built an empire. You have the worst haircut ever, and your extremely attractive wife obviously does not have one single bit of attraction towards you.

JUST BE HAPPY WITH THAT.

Please, please do not run for president. Do it for your own sake. Because you are only going to embarrass yourself and our great country. Just don’t do it.

The sad thing is, if Trump does become a serious candidate for president, he wouldn’t even be the worst candidate. That is an impossible distinction to hold when Sarah Palin is also in the running.

Where are the defiant leaders that once ruled our great country? The George Washingtons, the Abraham Lincolns, the John F. Kennedys, the Harrison Fords in the movie Air Force One?

Tell me, how was Stephen Colbert unable to run for president last term, but Donald Trump can?

The worst part about today’s events was that Donald Trump was all smug, thinking that he singlehandedly made Obama reveal his birth certificate. His exact quote was:

“I’m very proud of myself because I’ve accomplished something that nobody else has been able to accomplish,” Mr. Trump said. “I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully, getting rid of this issue.”

Where is that facepalm link again? Again, today was a very sad day in our country.

But let’s get back to more important things. Like what is going on in the Facebook world…

Facebook fact of the day: Apparently, for one of my Facebook friends, tomorrow is going to be “a hellish day.”

Yeah… I can’t even pretend like I care about this.

Movie alert: I finally saw No Strings Attached. Great little movie. Natural performances by Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher along with extremely funny dialogue make for a good movie that avoids normal romantic comedy clichés… until the final scene. But it had established itself well before then, so all is forgiven. It gets the Weinblog seal of approval.

Countdown to Memphis: Two days! Woo-hoo! I hope there isn’t a tornado! That would suck! A lot!

Awkward goodbye: Yeah, so I, uhh… I think I’m gonna head out now… bye?

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