The Royal Wedding

I am conveniently traveling to Memphis tomorrow morning while hurricanes and tornadoes abound all over the south. It’s a very comforting thought. But hey, I’ve never seen a tornado before in person. So maybe I’ll be in for a treat!

Damage done in Alabama

Okay, according to weather experts, the storm is done in the south, and is in fact moving north. So fortunately, I am missing it. Tennessee will not be harmed.

By the way, take a look at this picture, also from the New York Times website:

Um, is that not the same exact wooden structure that Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton tie themselves to at the end of Twister? Because I really think it is. I’m almost certain of it.

Anyway, I’m heading there tomorrow for the Beale Street Music Festival. A three-day musical event featuring over a hundred bands. It’s occurring right in the heart of Memphis on, you guessed it, Beale Street. Supposedly, it’s the Mardi Gras of Tennessee. It’s basically going to be a three-day romp of music, beer, ribs and.. whatever else there is in Tennessee. Oh yeah, and I’m going to game 6 of the Memphis Grizzlies/San Antonio Spurs playoff basketball game tomorrow night. So, yeah… it’s going to be pretty good.

But who cares? Who cares about Memphis? Who cares about the storm? Who cares that the death toll now nears 300? The Royal Wedding is tomorrow!

For girls, this is like Valentine’s Day, their own wedding anniversary and any day that Glee is on TV… combined. For girls that dream about their own wedding, and love to analyze everyone else’s, this is like their Super Bowl.

For those who live under a rock, tomorrow is the wedding of Prince William of Walesand Kate Middleton. The service begins 11 a.m. local time at the Buckingham Palace. Where my future wedding will take place.

The only reason I have any interest whatsoever in this ordeal is because I sort of love Kate Middleton.

Lovely Kate

She is a beautiful specimen. She’s not the type of girl you want to simply have a one night stand with. She’s the type of girl you want to take home to meet your mom. She’s the type of girl you want to… marry.

Unfortunately, I heard she only goes for Princes. Last I checked, I’m still just a normal peasant.

If I was a prince, and I lived in a palace, I can’t imagine I would have that much trouble getting girls. In fact, I’d even settle for being a Knight.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. The wedding takes place tomorrow, and it’s been estimated that two billion people will watch the wedding worldwide (I will not be one of them.) TWO BILLION. That’s like a billion… plus another billion!

Of those 2 billion I’m curious to know what the disparity will be between guys and girls. I truly hope it is about 97% to 3%. And the only reason I give 3% is to accommodate the gay population. Can’t forget those guys. If you’re a straight male, and you watch the Royal Wedding… please hand in your man card. Yes, we have those. We just keep it a secret.

I don’t care how much your girlfriend/fiance/wife/hooker begs you to watch it with her. I don’t care if she guarantees you nonstop sex for a week. I don’t care if she promises she will partake in a threesome with any other girl of your choice. YOU DO NOT WATCH.

I know girls love weddings because they’re supposed to be romantic and beautiful, and love is supposed to be in the air, blah blah blah. So naturally, girls have to be very curious as to what arguably the most famous wedding ever to take place in recent memory is going to look like.

I bet most married girls will even have the arrogance to think “pssh, my wedding was better…”

As for me? Like I said, I will not watch. But I hope some wild twist occurs. Like the bride-to-be backs out because she was secretly having an affair with the Prince’s brother, or something. Or she’s a lesbian. Now that would be good television. At the very least, I hope somebody trips while walking down the aisle.

I wonder if the wedding party will walk down the aisle to the song “Forever” by Chris Brown, like they did in that Youtube video? That would be something that one would expect from royalty, right?

Also, I wonder what the policy will be for keeping out wedding crashers at this wedding? Because you know people are going to try. I’d imagine that there will be a small army there to prevent just that. It would be a pretty sick story to be able to say that you crashed the Royal Wedding. Who knows, maybe you’ll even pick up a nice little British chick in the meantime.

Okay, I’m tired of talking about this wedding. Girls, I truly hope you enjoy it. Just remember, please do not write on Facebook that you cried while watching it. That’s disgusting.

Peace everyone. Memphis, come!

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