The wedding ring pose

Now that I know so many people who have recently become engaged and/or married, I’m beginning to notice a new trend.

Obviously, when you get engaged, it makes complete sense to update your relationship status on Facebook as soon as possible. Your close friends will want to know the good news. So it’s only appropriate to get the word out quickly.

But, you know, changing your relationship status, and maybe posting a quick little tidbit, as well as a photo or two of where the engagement occurred… that’s… that’s enough. You don’t need to do more than that. You’re good there.

So when girls take it a step further and post a closeup picture of themselves with their hand extended, clearly attempting to show off their wedding ring, well that just bothers me.

I know that all girls care very deeply about what their wedding ring looks like. They’ve dreamed about it their entire life. And the first time a girl sees another girl after she gets engaged, they want to see the ring. It’s the first thing they ask.

But you’re supposed to be humble about it. It’s a very personal thing. You’re not supposed to go gallivanting about it on the Internet for everybody to see. That’s just a huge “Hey everybody! Look at me!” maneuver. I bet you’re also one of those people who post pictures of themselves doing cartwheels at the beach.

First of all, a wedding ring is a sensitive situation for the guy as much as it is the girl. Maybe even more so. I know a girl wants her wedding ring to be beautiful and perfect, but they have to understand that times are tough. Us men just plainly and simply don’t have a lot of money. In fact, we’re lucky to even have any money. And you should just be grateful that your ring was purchased at a jewelry store and not taken directly out of a Cracker Jack box.

The total amount of money spent on a wedding ring is not reflective of how much love exists between two people. In fact, I think it may even be the opposite. If a rich dude wants to propose, he’s just going to walk into Tiffany’s and buy the first expensive ring he sees. He won’t put any thought into it and he won’t care.

However, an everyday man working on a tight budget will use as much money as he possibly can muster towards buying his ring, and he will go to jewelry store after jewelry store looking for the best deal on a beautiful ring that best represents his love.

So, bearing that in mind, since I already know that I will probably not be rich at any point in my life, I don’t think I’d be too thrilled if my fiancé immediately runs to Facebook and poses a picture of her posing with her wedding ring. I don’t need people to make judgments on me based on the monetary value of a ring when they don’t even know what my financial situation is.

Another horrible factor I haven’t mentioned is that it takes the primary focus away from the most important thing: the love that exists between a man and a women. Of my close friends who have gotten engaged recently, I don’t know anyone who has done this, which is a relieving thought. But I have seen other people on Facebook who I’m not close with anymore that have done it, and it sickens me.

What the ring looks like is not the most important thing and shouldn’t be the most important thing on your mind. If my fiancé did that, it tells me that she’s more excited to finally be engaged as opposed to being more excited that she is marrying me. It’s a huge red flag.

Again, I understand that girls want to show off their ring. And they should. They’ll only get one (at least you hope) opportunity to do so. But there is a time and a place for it.

And it is not on Facebook.

I want to accomplish something just so I can post it on Facebook

Most people spend their entire lives searching for meaning and trying to discover where their true value lies in this world. It’s why we go through 16 to 20+ years of schooling during our youth; so we can discover exactly what is we are good at, and how we can harness and nurture that ability to not only benefit ourselves, but the rest of the world as well.

In an age where it’s all about making money to survive, and during a time period where you should just consider yourself fortunate to have a job, regardless of how much money you make, it becomes harder and harder to find that true meaning.

Thus, when it’s all said and done, all somebody can really ask for is to find some type of vocation that brings us happiness on a daily basis, so that we can wake up each morning looking forward to seizing a new day. That in itself is an accomplishment.

However, if you do manage to find success in this world, and achieve things that not many other people are capable of, well then you know that you’ve lived a good life. That is something that could bring you eternal happiness. And that’s all anybody can ever ask for.



Fuck eternal happiness. Fuck finding meaning in the world. Fuck having success.

I want to accomplish something significant for one reason and one reason only. So I can brag about it on Facebook.

I don’t know what the hell the accomplishment would be. Perhaps I win some type of prestigious award at work, or maybe I save a kid from getting hit by a car, or maybe I win $500 on a scratch off card. I don’t give a shit. As long as it’s something good.

And when it happens, I won’t be gracious. I won’t use my accomplishments to benefit others. I won’t even thank the people I love. I’ll grab my smartphone out of my pocket and post exactly what it is I did on Facebook. I won’t even wait until I get home.

I’m at that age where my peers are either achieving great things in higher education or further establishing themselves at their jobs. Naturally, they don’t hesitate to post about their success son Facebook. Whenever I see these posts, it just reminds me of how little I have accomplished lately.

And then when I check back on the post a few hours later (because that’s what I do — and you do too, don’t deny it), I see that it was ‘liked’ by 14 people.

When the hell am I going to get an opportunity to post something on Facebook that is liked by 14 people? Sure, I could lie about an accomplishment, but that’s sleazy even for my standards (I still might do it.)

But the problem lies in actually accomplishing something. Does this mean that I actually have to try in life? Why can’t I just win something without having to do anything? Like an award for just simply being an awesome person. Those exist, right?

Perhaps Facebook really does serve a purpose. It provides incentive and motivation to do things. In the past, if you’ve accomplished something, it only spread to others through word of mouth. And even then, you didn’t get to hear what their reactions were. So what the hell was the point? Why accomplish something if you don’t get to brag about it? Why the hell did people even have motivation to do anything in the 250,000 years that Homo sapiens have existed before Facebook was created?

And how must it feel to be Mark Zuckerberg while thinking in these terms? His accomplishment was that he created Facebook. Now think about him getting to post THAT on Facebook. My brain seriously just exploded.

I’m really going to have to step up my game in life if I want to accomplish something before it’s too late. Wait, is having sex an accomplishment? It still wouldn’t make a difference anyway.

I’ll put that thought on the shelf right now.

Well, you’d think that I’d be bummed out, with the 3-day weekend coming to an end and the return of work in the A.M. But, I’m not really. Because I lived it up this weekend. As predicted, I continued the self-destruction of my liver, but it was all for a good cause. I took part in a lot of fun activities, and I had a hell of a weekend. And at the very least, we only have to deal with a four-day work week. That being said, I’m sure I’ll feel a lot more miserable when I wake up tomorrow morning.

Speaking of accomplishments, how about a shout out to the veterans on this Memorial Day weekend? Not the alive ones — they have their day on “Veteran’s Day,” and if they’re trying to boast about their army experience today, then they’re just being selfish. So, to all the veterans who have died at war, I applaud you. You’ve accomplished more than I probably ever will.

A preemptive giant apology to my liver

After I get out of work tomorrow, I will have my first 3-day weekend since New Years.

3-day weekends are pretty awesome. Because all of a sudden it’s Sunday, and it’s like “woah, I have another day to party!” And you do. And when you return to work on Tuesday, it’s like “woah, this week is only four days!” And it is.

There is only one requirement for a 3-day weekend. You MUST take full advantage of it. I understand how if you’ve had a busy week, you might want to use the weekend to simply just catch up on sleep, relax and do nothing. I get that everyone needs those weekends every once in a while.

However, for 3-day weekends, that type of behavior is unacceptable. I don’t care how rough your week was, I don’t care how little sleep you got, and I don’t care how sick you’re feeling, every single one of you is required to get drunk at least two nights this weekend. But three is encouraged. One is unacceptable. And don’t even dare speaking to me if it’s zero. Don’t even dare.

Especially with the fact that Memorial Day falls on this weekend. AND the forecast calls for 75-80 degree days all weekend long. It’s a drinker’s paradise. Barbecues, burgers and Budweisers galore!

I’m sitting here at my desk actually frightened over how much alcohol I am going to consume this weekend. I’m genuinely shivering at the thought.

I feel so bad for my liver. The abuse that I’ve put it through over the past five years is something that no vital organ should ever have to endure. It could have gotten stuck with some straight-edge kid who never drinks. Except it ended up with me. But I hope that deep down, it will understand. It has nothing to do with you, liver. It’s me.

I’m curious whether, after I die, my liver would be healthy enough to be donated to someone in need, if I were to become an organ donor? Can somebody who dies after me relay this information to me? Maybe it should be donated, actually. To a museum.

Did I mention how much I love 3-day weekends?

Is anybody else as amused as I am whenever somebody’s Facebook profile picture is clearly a picture from over a year ago? That’s their own way of saying, “Yeah, I look like shit now compared to how I used to look. So let’s hold onto that.”

I guess not everybody can be me and become more handsome and distinguished with each passing year.

No, I’m just kidding! I’m kidding! Don’t X me out!

Hey New Yorkers, and anybody else this might interest… I’m not normally into artsy stuff, because I’m not gay, but this is actually pretty cool. This website posted a bunch of pictures of New York City from the 1930s.

Here is the link: and here is a picture of Penn station from the 1930s:

Click to enlarge (that's what she said!!!!)

Pretty fucking cool. It’s a shame that it doesn’t look like that anymore. Upon closer look, you could see that practically everybody is dressed all classy while wearing fedoras and bowler derbys. And now, you walk through Penn Station and you see people all thugged out in their beanie caps and dreads, with homeless people sleeping under chairs. And no, I’m not singling out black people.

I’d recommend checking out all of the pictures.

I mentioned yesterday how summer is just around the corner. I forgot to include one of the biggest indications that summer is here; every movie that comes out from this point forward will be a sequel that is significantly worse than the original! In the span of five days, Pirates of the Caribbean 4 and The Hangover 2 have come out, beginning the process of ruining the legacy of its own respective film franchises. Although, Pirates already accomplished that a few years ago.

However, that “Jack Sparrow” song I posted yesterday featuring Michael Bolton may have made up for the lackluster movies that were Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3. I’ve watched that video about six times already. Gets better each time.

Speaking of entertainment, I mentioned a few weeks ago how I was entering a TV show binge, and I started by watching all episodes of the show Breaking Bad. I finished it a couple of weeks ago, and it was absolutely amazing. Everyone needs to watch it. I have since moved on to a new show, and recently I finished watching the entire first season of Dexter. It is another GREAT show. The ending of the first season blew my mind, and I’ll admit it… even made me a little emotional. It’s not as good as Breaking Bad, but still very, very good.

Okay. I’m outta here. I need to rest up before I begin the self-destruction that only comes with a 3-day weekend. And I can’t wait until work ends so I can make a Facebook status about how the 3-day weekend is starting! It’s going to be great!

Summer is here

Well, not officially. But the way the weather has been these past two days, it might as well be. The rain has finally ended and it has been absolutely beautiful outside since yesterday afternoon. Not many Americans appreciate warm weather as much as us east coasters, who only get this for about three and a half months a year. We have no choice but to make the most of it. And we do.

So, with summer, you can expect a lot more barbecues, pool parties, cargo shorts and the inevitable Facebook statuses that say things like “omg it’s sooooooo nice out!” or “omg I wish I was at the beach right nowwwww!” Love those with all my heart.

What’s my favorite thing about summer? Other than girls finally shedding their nineteen layers of clothing whenever they’re outside and wearing extremely revealing clothes, forcing me to wear my sunglasses that are tinted so you can’t see my eyes, allowing me to stare at them for as long as I want without anybody noticing? My favorite thing about summer is the fact that the nice weather allows me to run outside consistently.

During the spring, I have to go outside and gauge how the weather is before I decide to run outdoors or at the gym. Normally by the time I get home from work in the late afternoon, it’s too chilly to run outside. And even if it does appear nice enough, it always still end up being windy as hell, hindering my run. It’s quite a distraction.

Speaking of which, when I am running outside, and I’m clearly very focused and listening to my music, can you NOT pull aside next to me and ask me for directions?

First of all, when I’m running, I normally like to… be running. I don’t want to stop. When you stop, your muscles begin to seize up and it takes you out of your rhythm. I should be the last person that you ever bother for directions.

The other day I was running and I got asked twice by people for directions. I had to check my shirt when I got home to make sure there wasn’t a fucking map on it or something.

Also, I am awful at giving directions. Even in my own town. I really only know how to get to places from my house. So I am usually not very helpful when I’m in another area and people ask me how to get places. I think there may only have been one or two times in my entire life when I was actually able to direct somebody where they wanted to go without confusing them any further.

So, yeah, don’t do that.

By the way, I don’t really see what the big deal about the beach is. The water is usually freezing and dirty. The sand is dirty and too hot. The sun gives me sunburn and my gut is too big for me to be secure about my shirtless body in public. The only fun things about the beach is playing football or volleyball in the sand. Which you can do anywhere. Beach = overrated. That being said, who wants to go on Sunday?

And another by the way, as a pretty big cinephile, I make an effort to see all the movies that people tell me that I need to see. I realized the other day that I have never seen The Little Mermaid. But, apparently it’s good. Obviously, as a 24-year-old male, I am not in the target age range for the movie. However, even at my age, I still love watching Aladdin and The Lion King, and I’m sure I’d still enjoy Snow White and Beauty and the Beast if I were to watch them again. But those aren’t the Little Mermaid. On those grounds, I think it’s okay to watch.

Now here lies the predicament. Most people have already seen the movie (likely during their childhood years) and I don’t have a girlfriend to watch it with. So I can’t use the excuse of “I only saw it because she wanted to.” So what I want to know is exactly how gay it would be if I watched the Little Mermaid, alone, by myself, in my room? On a scale of 1 to 10, how gay is that?

Think of the scale like this:

1 – Steve McQueen
2 – Dolph Lundgren
3 – Harrison Ford
4- Matt Damon
5- David Schwimmer
6- Jay Leno
7- Ryan Seacrest
8- Adam Lambert
9- Any member of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
10- Perez Hilton

I need to know.

So, I’ll let that mull over for a little before I take a course of action. I’ll let you all know how it ends up.

Before I go, I have to wonder how I never knew about this video before today. The video I am referring to is a Lonely Island sketch from SNL two weeks ago. It’s an original song by the three guys of the Lonely Island featuring the one and only Michael Bolton. And it is absolutely hilarious and a must-watch. Check it out:

My respect for Michael Bolton has taken a complete 180 following this video. Bravo.

Alright peeps. Enjoy the weather. And girls, just remember… the less clothing you wear, the more guys respect you.

I’mma Friend You on Facebook Bitch — An original song

I’mma friend you on Facebook bitch,
We gon’ be together like Lilo and Stitch,
I’mma search for you on Facebook bitch,
Like Harry Potter lookin’ for that snitch

Oh yeah
I see you girl, eyein’ me at the club
You with some guy, but it’s time for a sub
So I step in and say, girl let’s do that thang
I’m like Edward Cullen, minus the fangs
The night’s goin’ right, I’m feelin’ the flow
The way she looks at me, I’m in fo’ sho’
Like Lebron in the fourth, winnin’ with my jumper
Impress her so much she asks me for my number
But I laugh and say
Girl put that phone away
I don’t need your number cuz

I’mma friend you on Facebook bitch,
I’m the internet version of Will Smith in Hitch,
I’mma search for you on Facebook chick,
With my smartphone I can do it real quick

Oh yeah,
Get home that night, I’m drunk as hell
Forget going to sleep, I  go straight to my Dell
Don’t need to type the web address cuz I already know
Facebook’s on the screen from when I logged in befo’
Go to type in the search box, but then I exclaim,
Holy shit, what the hell was her name?
Was it Cindy, Sara, Nancy or Molly?
I can search her favorite movie: Along Came Polly
That doesn’t work, too many hits
I search for an hour before I call it quits
I guess it’s my own fault cuz

I said I’d friend you on Facebook bitch
You and I should have found our niche
We could’ve hit it off on Facebook, gal
It worked for Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail

Now I’m sitting here all alone
Playing with my iPhone
Installing new widgets
Damn I should’ve gotten her digits
Mark Zuckerberg is to blame
For changing the game
Facebook’s all up in everybody’s head
I guess they were right when they said chivalry’s dead
But who am I kidding, there’s nowhere else to look
for blame but myself when I said, bitch, I’mma hit you up on Facebook

The world is still here

Well, Saturday came and went, and to the surprise of many, the day was Rapture-free. There were no signs of the apocalypse, no humans drifting up towards the sky, and really no abnormal activity of any significance whatsoever. It was as normal a day as there has ever been in the history of the world. If not more so.

I know, it should come as a shock. All you Christian zealout freaks out there must be extremely disappointed. After so prominently standing by this prediction that never came to fruition, I don’t know how you’ll ever be able to be looked at as normal, sane, functioning people ever again. It must be very difficult for you all.

I personally was fairly surprised. I was standing on my lawn, arms raised to the Heavens while wearing a tie-dye shirt and bandanna screaming, “TAKE ME GOD! I AM READY TO BE RAPTURED!” into a megaphone. Although, that is usually how I spend all of my Saturdays.

Actually, rumor has it that God had stood at the edge of clouds, was ready to embark on the Rapture, when he was interrupted. Out of nowhere came a man who had recently died and stopped God from completing his task! Who was this man?

Let me show you:


Thanks Randy. We owe you one.

However, for around 100 people down south, the world really did come to an end on Saturday. Tornadoes ravaged the southern portion of Missouri, destroying homes, schools, hospitals and other buildings while killing over 100 people.

All I know is, if living in New York my entire life has made me grateful for anything, it’s the fact that we live nowhere near tornadoes. I can’t even begin to imagine how I would react if I was sitting outside in lawn chair wearing a wife beater and guzzling a Budweiser (that’s what people in the south do, right?) when all of a sudden in the distance I see a fucking tornado swirling from the skies. I would probably shit my pants.

I can accept the frosty winters, rush hour traffic and the mere existence of Staten Island if it means that a tornado will never come into our midst.

So, yeah, while idiots were sitting around on Saturday, holding hands, chanting and awaiting the Rapture, people in other parts of the world were running for life, just trying to survive while also saving their loved ones. And unfortunately, some unlucky ones didn’t. It really makes our country look pretty shameful when we could become infatuated with a foolish, senile prediction from a radio host so much that it distracts us from other things that are really happening in the world. It’s basically what I was alluding to on my last post, I just wasn’t hoping that a deadly tornado would be the thing that would prove my point.

Here’s an idea; how about we trade the 116 people who have so far been confirmed dead from the tornadoes with 116 people who actually believed the Rapture was going to happen? Deal? Deal.

So, anyway, I went golfing for the first time in a couple of years on Sunday. Golf is really the one sport where, no matter how athletic you are, you are 100% guaranteed to suck at during the first several times that you play. And probably much longer than that. If not forever.

When I’m golfing, I’m extremely content if I hit a shot that is playable. Meaning that, following the shot, I actually know where the ball went, and I have an opportunity to hit it again. Driving a ball accurately and powerfully with a golf club is one of the hardest tasks one could possibly attempt. While you most likely will have had one or two shots that you will be extremely proud of by the end of the day, you’re almost guaranteed to end a golf outing hating yourself and hating life. It’s the sport version of ‘FML.”

And yet, some time soon, you’ll be back out there. As one friend promptly put it, “whoever invented golf must be a sadist.”

Well, here we are again. It’s Monday, it’s the start of a new week, and it’s still raining. But, on this Monday, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks to Memorial Day, a three-day weekend is on the horizon. It really doesn’t get much better than three-day weekends.

Actually, I can think of one thing that is better than a three-day weekend… a FOUR day weekend. Guess who’s calling in sick on Friday?? THIS GUY.

It’s the end of the world as we know it… or not.

This “end of the world” nonsense is getting ridiculous.

I don’t know what it is. I know that people aren’t dumb enough to actually believe that the world is ending, and yet, everyone is talking about it. Everyone is seizing any possible opportunity to make a reference to it. I see lots of Facebook statuses alluding to it, and at this current moment in time, the phrases/words “#endoftheworldconfessions,” “myraptureplaylist,” “Y2K” and “REM” are trending. REM of course refers to the band whose lyrics I stole for this blog title.

First of all — and I don’t even know why I am attempting to clarify such retarded thoughts to begin with — but today is not even the predicted doomsday. For reference, the prediction, made by Christian radio host Harold Camping, called for a “Rapture” to take place on May 21, 2011, where God will physically take people and bring them up to Heaven. And THEN, according to Camping,  Doomsday will occur five months later on October 21. The word ”rapture’ literally means “the carrying of a person to another place or sphere of existence.”

I don’t know why people actually listened to this guy. Maybe it’s because he is 80 years old. When 80+ year olds speak, one tends to listen out of the respect for elders. Although, I’m actually glad he’s that old. The older you get, the more senile you are permitted to become. And once you hit 80, you can say whatever the fuck you want. If you’ve lived that long, you’ve earned the right. If a 30 or 40-year-old man was the one making the prediction, I would be EXTREMELY concerned for their mental health.

So, yeah, anyone making a Y2K or doomsday reference today is not only retarded because they bought into this bullshit, but they are also retarded for citing the bullshit inaccurately. They manage to be retarded twice.

I was watching TV last night, and the news was actually covering the potential Rapture. The news.

Presently, the Middle East is being torn apart by chaos. Revolutions, uprisings, civil wars and death is occurring in mass rates. It’s arguably the most fucked up situation that there has ever been in one region in the history of the world. Also, our nation is trillions of dollars in debt. The economy is still in the shitter, and high percentages of people remain unemployed. And yet… the news is wasting time talking about… the Rapture. A fictional event. It’s startling.

You know what I think? I think that people who sincerely believe in all this end of the world bullshit should be allowed to die today. Y2K should occur for them, and only them. I can’t imagine how any one who believes in such a fairy tale could possibly be an asset towards society in any way. It would be a prime example of Darwin’s theory of natural selection.

Again, I know (at least I hope) that 99% of the people who are joyously discussing the Rapture don’t actually believe in it. They don’t actually believe that the hand of God will reach down from the Heavens and extract people from our planet. People are just discussing it because, well, it’s something else to talk about other than normal shitty things that they like to talk about. Things like: how much they hate their life, their job, why they hate being single, why some girl is mad at her friend for going behind her back and sucking some guy’s dick that she liked, things like that.

I suppose I can remotely understand that (the distraction that the Rapture presents… not the dick sucking.) But I think the infatuation has gone a little too far. I’m all for thinking outside the box, but is there not a way that people can harness their thought process away fictional events and more towards some type of productive goa?. You know, like something that will actually benefit our world?

If people can unite for stupid shit like this, why can’t we unite for something that can have a positive effect on our planet? Like… fighting global warming, or helping out less fortunate people, things like that. Why couldn’t some Christian radio host make a prediction that on May 21, 2011, everyone will donate $10 to charity? Do you think people would have actually taken credence to that prediction? I laugh at the thought.

That’s another thing. Some other senile radio host is going to see what transpired, and make some dumbass prediction of his own. Then another one will. Then another one, until next thing you know, we’re going to have 365 Y2K’s a year.

It just angers me that stupid things like this can pick up so much steam and become a nationwide trend. It’s the same reason why shit like Rebecca Black and Katy Perry become popular. It all really alludes to one thing. People are idiots. That’s really the one thing I’ve learned since the explosion of Twitter and Facebook.

If the Rapture is garnering so much news coverage, then what happens tomorrow when…. nothing happens? Can the top news headline of the day be… “RAPTURE DOESN’T OCCUR… EVERYONE IS AN IDIOT”? No, of course it won’t, because the news will just ignore the entire thing and move on to some other stupid topic, and people will find other absurd topics to occupy their time with.

Hey, if the Rapture does indeed occur, and Doomsday is in fact on the way, I’ll be the first person to admit I’m wrong. You can all come up to me in Hell, point a finger at me, and say “Ha Ha!” I’ll welcome it. But, until then, I’m just going to go about my day as usual and leave the idiocy for everyone else.