Invincible

You know how you have those days where you feel defeated, lethargic, unmotivated and just plain depressed? Where it feels like nothing is going your way, that life sucks and that the universe is sending you a message to just give up? And then it gets to the point where you are so expectant for things to fail that you give a half-assed effort from the beginning, and in result… it does fail?

Well… how about the opposite?

What about having a day where you just feel like you are the shit. A day where you feel like nothing can ever stop you. That everything you try to do is going to succeed. A day where you just tell the world, “Fuck you world. Today, I am going to make you my bitch.” A day where you feel… invincible.

Why can’t we have days like that?

It’s so easy to have the first type of day that I described. It’s really easy to mope, to feel sorry for yourself, and to treat every one else like shit. That’s a cinch. But to come out and say, “You know what? Everything I do to today, every task that I undertake, every idea that comes into my head… is fucking awesome. There is nothing today that I can not accomplish.” Now that takes strength. That takes real courage. And everyone out there is very capable of it.

I know what you’re thinking, when the hell did I become a motivational speaker? Well I’m not. And this certainly doesn’t apply to everyone. I know there are plenty of people out there that no matter what type of sense you try to talk into them, they will never have the ability to look on the bright side. Well, screw ’em. That’s their own choice and their own problem.

But sometimes you need to stop expecting that things will always fail, that nothing will work out, and that it’s just not your day. Maybe you’re just not trying hard enough.

How does one gain this attitude, you ask? Well, it’s all about mindset. On a day where your girlfriend dumps you, you get fired from your job, and your goldfish dies, then yeah, maybe you are truly having a bad day.

But, you know, if you just step in a puddle on the way to work, or you get a stain on your favorite jeans, then well… that’s not really a big deal at all. That’s not what problems are.

That being said, it’s all about perspective. Try to see things on the bright side. If you’re like me, you’ve already been blessed with so much. So just keep that in the back of your head. Then, upon arriving at work, perhaps try to actually do a good job for once. After doing that and actually being productive, you’ll find yourself in a good mood. And that’s when you can start gaining confidence. It really all starts with the little things.

Most of the time, people are too scared to try things because the prospect of failing terrifies them. Is it a bad feeling when you fail? Of course. But you know what is even worse than failing? Never knowing. Never taking a chance. I think it was Wayne Gretzky that said, “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.” Simple, but profound.

Listen to Wayne. He wasn’t the greatest hockey player of all time for nothing, was he?

By the way, I wonder who the greatest person of all time at doing nothing is? That would be the ONE skill where that cliché adage wouldn’t work. “He wasn’t the best person at doing nothing for nothing, was he?” Umm, actually… yes he was.

Anyway, I’m just saying that it’s not too absurd to go into a day assuming that everything is going to go right, instead of the opposite. Sometimes people get so down and pessimistic that they’re the ones who bring all the misfortune onto themselves with their piss poor attitude. And then, when the shit inevitably hits the fan, they have the nerve to blame it all on bad luck. Well what ever happened to making your own luck? All it takes is an attitude change.

Go ahead, try it. I dare you.

“I love my job”

Is there anything more irritating than when you’re sitting at your job, bored as hell and wanting to kill somebody, and then you log onto Facebook and see somebody bragging about how much they love their job. They will simply say:

“I love my job”

They won’t even give any context. They’ll just say it. As if we care. It’s really the last thing I ever want to see.

And not even necessarily because I’m jealous. I don’t hate my job at all. I like it, actually. I mean, it’s not like I have a smile on my face all day thinking how happy I am to be at work or anything. I’m usually cranky, bitter and tired. But I still know that things could be much worse.

Anyway, let me tell you why I hate this particular Facebook status so much.

a) Nobody cares. Seriously.

b) At the very least, give a reason. If I’m going to waste even a second of my day reading your dumb status, please tell me why you enjoy it so much. Just one tidbit will do.

c) Do you really love your job? Because I don’t think you do. I think you’re one of those insecure people who is never really satisfied with anything. You’re also probably one of those people who posts all the time, “I love my life.” Think about it, if you really do love your life, and you have an endless supply of happiness, do you really need to post about it? of course not. But if you’re miserable, then you need to pretend.

d) And if you genuinely do love your job, then the rest of your life probably sucks. Work is wear you pay the bills, get your shit done, and get the fuck home. Nothing more. You’re supposed to be happy when you get home from work, not the other way around.

e) Nobody cares.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that people need to stop treating Facebook like it’s their own personal blog. That’s what Twitter accounts are for.

Whenever I’m about to post a Facebook status, I stop and think, “Wait a minute… do I even care about what I am about to say?” If the answer is no — which it usually is — then no one else cares. And that’s when I post it on Twitter. I think that should become the general rule of thumb for people with their Facebook statuses.

But please, save the “I love my job” statuses. Many people hate their job. As they should. Saying how much you love yours just makes you seem like an even bigger asshole than you already are.

And speaking of awful Facebook statuses, how terrible is it when people talk directly to inanimate or abstract things. Like the weather. Or a season. When somebody says “Summer…. please come,” it makes me want to learn how to build and manufacture my own sledgehammer. Just so I can use it to destroy my computer.

It doesn’t accomplish anything. There is not one person in the world that will see that status and benefit in any single way. Hence the rule of thumb that I posted above.

Today, a Facebook friend posted: “See ya later Hofstra. Come hereeeee summer time.”

This is awful. First of all, nobody says “see ya.” Secondly, he’s talking to two things that will never have the physical capability of talking back; An university and a season. Double suck. Also, note the five consecutive letter E’s. This sentence embodies everything that I hate about Facebook statuses.

And the worst part? Five people liked that status. Five assholes.

Enough with that. By the way, how much does this rain suck? I know we’re just entering that rough patch where it’s shitty for the last few weeks until it becomes beautiful out and stays that way until late August, but, it’s still pretty brutal. Although, I don’t want to become one of those assholes that complains about the weather every day just like how everybody did when it was snowing all throughout January. So that’s all you’ll ever hear me say about that.

I watched the trailer yesterday for the Adventures of Tin Tin, directed by Steven Spielberg and produced by Peter Jackson. It looks awesome.

I am definitely going to want to see this movie as soon as it comes out. The last animated movie I was eager to see in theaters before this was “How to Train Your Dragon,” which I was originally supposed to see with my friend Melissa on a date. It never ended up happening so maybe we’ll end up seeing this one instead. I probably should have texted her that instead of writing it here. Oh well, too late now because I already typed it out and I am too lazy to hit the backspace button.

I’m going to go brush my teeth. Good hygeine, please come!

Time traveling

Maybe it’s because I’ve spent the last week watching Terminator and Terminator 2, but lately I have been thinking about time traveling.

It’s something that everybody thinks about every now and then. If you had the ability to time travel, where would you go and during what time period? Why would you go there? Everybody has an answer.

But nobody ever thinks about it for too long, because then you realize that it’s something that we’ll never see in our lifetime. If it ever even happens at all. I know our technology is advancing at a rapid pace, especially in the last decade, but we are still nowhere near the early stages of discovering how to time travel. We may be starting to get cloning down, but time travel is still ways away.

But then I thought deeper about it (and no, I was NOT high at the time.) Just because we currently don’t have the technology available to us to allow for time travel, why does that mean it doesn’t exist?

STICK WITH ME.

Say that time travel finally becomes possible in the year 2500 (if humans haven’t destroyed the world by then.) Shit it could be even sooner, like year 2100. It doesn’t matter. Just pretend its way in the future.

So a time machine of sorts is invented, giving humans the ability to travel back in time. What if someone from the year 2500 wanted to travel back to 2009? Then wouldn’t they still be here? If they successfully time travel, then their existence in 2009 would have to happen as the year 2009 is presently occurring. Which is now. People from the future could be populating the Earth right now, and we don’t even know it.

Of course, no one would ever believe if a person said that they were from the future. We would all think that they are insane. So that’s why it doesn’t surprise me that it would there would never be a breaking news story about a time traveler — unless they can prove it (by having some sort of machine with them.)

So that led me to think even further: If there has never been a reported case of a time traveler, then does that mean that the human race never discovers how to do it? It wouldn’t totally surprise me, because I would expect humans to kill each other off via nuclear war before we ever get to that point.

Also, if time travel were possible, would there still be tragedies in the world? Would wars, genocide and terrorism still exist? Maybe time travelers have come back and altered the universe to prevent worldwide tragedy, and in result, gave us new tragedies. New tragedies that even they couldn’t foresee. For example, maybe there was originally meant to be an even greater dictator than Hitler who was going to threaten the balance of our world. But time travelers took care of him, and that opened the door for Hitler. But that’s all bordering dangerously close to parallel universes. And I don’t even know what that really means.

It’s all pretty crazy to think about it. But the main point I’m trying to get at is: if time travel ever exists at any  point in the future, whether it be 10 years from now or 10 million years from now, that gives humans (or whatever creature exists then) the ability to travel back in time to any year they want, therefore giving them the possibility to enter our present time.

Thinking about this is giving me a headache.

So what is in the news today? Arnold Schwarzenegger said he fathered a child 10 years ago with a former employee, and Minnesota Twins Hall of Famer and baseball legend Harmon Killebrew died today of cancer.

In my eyes, Arnold can do whatever he wants. I mean, he was the TERMINATOR. You get a lifetime exemption from all wrongdoing when you once portrayed a character as awesome as that. As for Harmon, my condolences.

Oh, here’s a Youtube video of a parrot playing with a toy bunny:

Cute, I guess?

Yup, when I’m pulling out the parrot playing with a toy bunny video… you know I’m desperate. I’m just slowly going to make my exit and hope that nobody notices…

Can I become a vegetarian?

I would say that I’ve made a recent effort to eat healthier and possible try to add another couple of years to my life, but I realize it’s something I’ve been doing for a while. It’s just taking me a lot slower than most people.

About six years ago, I pretty much hit rock bottom when it came to my diet. I would drink about five Mountain Dews a day, eat Taco Bell every day for lunch, and the only time any semblance of the word “gym” entered my vocabulary is when I would talk about how much I loved eating Slim Jim’s.

Needless to say, I ballooned.

During my freshmen year of college, after shamefully stepping off of a scale, I decided it was time to get my shit together. I started eating better and exercising. Within a year, I was back to a normal, healthy weight. it’s amazing what simple determination can do.

“Eating healthy” is a very vague term. Because there’s eating healthy, and then there’s eating healthier. For example, I used to eat Taco Bell for lunch every day. I would step into that monstrous animal-slaughtering, heart-failure inducing facility and eat a burrito, a cheesy gordita crunch and  for a good measure, a soft taco. And I would have no shame.

Thus, just simply cutting Taco Bell out of my diet was a huge improvement. It didn’t mean I was necessarily eating healthy, but I was still eating better and thus, losing weight. But that only takes you so far.

Slowly, I’ve continued to cut things out of my diet over the years. I no longer do fast food. I rarely drink soda anymore. I never even drink Gatorade. And now… I’m trying to do the impossible.

Cutting out meat.

Now, let’s not go crazy, I don’t plan on becoming a fully fledged vegetarian. At least not yet. I’m still a growing boy with a fairly large appetite. I need my food. So, I’ll indulge in meat fairly often. But, if a vegetarian option is available, I will go that route more often than not.

Like how I began this discussion, it’s all a process. I don’t do things cold turkey (no pun intended.) I figure that for now, I will cut meat out of my diet for lunch almost entirely. Over the course of seven days, that’s a lot of meat that I am forgoing, and a lot of potential heartbeats that I am preserving.

For another thing, becoming a vegetarian takes a lot of knowledge. it’s not a conversion you can make overnight. You have to educate yourself as to what foods you can eat. And also, eating vegetarian doesn’t necessarily equate to eating healthy. I need to learn what specific foods are better for me than others, and I also need to learn where  I can find this food. That is half the battle.

I’ve started incorporating vegetarianism into my diet a few weeks ago, (and by the way, there is actually a term for somebody who is willing to eat meat, but will eat vegetarian when given the chance; it’s called ‘flexetarianism’) and I haven’t had a single regret. I enjoy eating healthy, non-meat comprised food nearly just as much as I enjoy eating meat. I won’t miss eating juicy hamburgers, pork chops, veal, steak, etc.

Hopefully, in a few years from now, I can make the conversion. But for now, I think I am on the right path. Plus I want to lose weight and get laid more. That’s a factor.

In the past, if another man approached me and told me that he planned on becoming a vegetarian, I would probably have responded by saying, “Wow, congratulations man! You’re a giant pussy!”

But now, I figure I am at that age where I need to start taking care of my body. While I do work out a lot, I still haven’t really noticed a loss of weight and/or any diminishing of my rather large gut. So I figure the problem solely lies in my diet. And now I know that people who do respond in the way I just said above are simply insecure about themselves, and responding in such a way because they know they will never have the mental fortitude or the willpower to make such a drastic change in their own diet. Thus, they are taking out their own insecurities by ridiculing you. Plus they’re probably fat.

So, anyway, let’s talk about something else. One of the bigger news stories today was that Donald Trump officially announced that he will not be running for president. And the world officially rejoices. Not that he would have come close to getting the Republican nomination, anyway, but finally this media circus can end and news outlets can stop getting his opinion on everything, and just talking about him in general. The whole thing was a joke from the beginning.

Of course, he still made the statement that he believed he would have secured the Republican nomination and ultimately became president, but that’s just because he is a delusional moron.

This is truly a great day for America.

By the way, the reason I never got around to blogging yesterday is because I had quite the eventful day. Quite the eventful weekend, actually. But of all the things I did on Sunday, one of them involved a visit to the movie theater to go see “Bridesmaids”.

I had a really good feeling about this movie going in. I thought it could revolutionize chick flicks, and that it wouldn’t have the normal clichés of a typical romantic comedy. Kristen Wiig co-wrote it, and I think she’s hysterical. Also, Judd Apatow was involved as a producer. Although it’s almost an all-female cast, I thought that, if given the right script, director and just the opportunity… women can be funny. *shocking gasp from my readers* Yes, that’s right. I thought that woman can be funny.

And I was right. I expected it to be funny, but I never expected it to be as funny as it was. A minute didn’t go by where I wasn’t laughing. The script was hysterical, and the movie truly does go where no “chick flick” has ever gone. It was raunchy, crude, even disgusting at times, and of course still had its touching and feel-good moments. The combination of all that equated to a fantastic movie. Everyone truly needs to go see this. And it’s definitely a great movie to see with your wife/fiancé /girlfriend/fuck buddy/girl you’re stuck in the friend zone with/sex doll. Basically it’s good to see with any girl besides your mom.

In the past, before I opened my eyes to a wide variety of movies, if another man approached me and told me that he planned on seeing this movie, I would probably have responded by saying, “Wow, congratulations man! You’re a giant pussy!”

But now, I’m a new man. I’m not insecure, I’m not ashamed and I’m definitely not gay.

And now I think I’ll go and get a manicure. See ya!

The butterface

The term ‘butterface’ is an unspoken yet well-known term amongst men, it’s highly offensive and insulting towards woman, extremely shallow, and if you’re ever bold enough to say it to a girl’s face… you’re probably going to get slapped. Several times.

That being said… let’s discuss it further!

Butterface has a pretty simple meaning. or is it butherface? The latter makes more sense, but it’s more commonly used as the former. So let’s stick with that.

Anyway, what it means is that a girl has a pretty smokin’ hot body… but her face… leaves a lot to be desired. Hence the term.

It’s a funny term, because even if you have never heard of it before, you instantly know what it means. However, I personally think the term is overused. Firstly, it’s amazing how high that some people’s standards are. It’s like everyone thinks they look like James Dean (I am not gay and in no way attracted to James Dean.)

So, very often, someone will point to a girl and say “look at that butterface!” I’ll look over, and I’ll notice the nice body, and see that her face is alright. Not ugly, not amazing, but alright. That’s not a butterface. That’s a hot girl with an average face that any guy would be lucky to get into bed with them. Shit, i remember one time someone told me they thought Brooklyn Decker was a butterface. Get the fuck out of here!

A true butterface is actually pretty rare. They do exist, but you need to seek them out. They can’t just have an average looking body. It needs to be one that catches your attention and makes you do a double take. But then when you look at their face, you open your mouth in horror. That is the effect that these creatures are meant to have. If you’re examining a girl and trying to determine if she’s a butterface, she probably isn’t Because you would know right away.

I actually had the privilege of knowing a true butterface a few years ago. And that’s how I heard the term for the first time. She had an excellent body, but her face was acne-ridden and just kind of awkward looking. That being said, I definitely still would have had sex with her. No question.

Being a butterface has to be such a frustrating thing. You’ve done everything right to take care of your body, and the results are stunning. But there’s really nothing you can do for your face. You can’t work out your face. I don’t think you can, at least.

It’s a harsh term. but it’s a harsh world we live in. That being said, as long as your beautiful on the inside, that’s all that matters…

Yeah.

So I heard from a friend that today is National hug Your Cat Day. I hope all cat owners have taken a moment of their day to pick up their cat and hug that little fur ball. And if you don’t own a cat, well go find a stray cat outside and give it a hug! And then go check yourself for rabies, because you’ll probably have them.

Isn’t it funny how fast time flies? Just like the other day, i was blogging with such a somber tone, grieving about the end of the weekend and how Monday was upon us? Well, four days later, it’s a beautiful 70 degree day, and we are one day away from Friday. Life is beautiful again! Of course, in just two days it will be Sunday night and life will suck again. But let’s be happy now.

So, everyone have a safe, enjoyable weekend. Go out, have some beers, and if you’re lucky… maybe you’ll bring home a butterface.

Energy Drinks

Whenever I go to my local 7-11 to buy my daily 12 pack whatever assorted goods I need, I always noticed that in the cold drinks section, there’s an entire door devoted solely to energy drinks. Why is this?

There are so many different varieties that exist now; Red Bull, Monster, Joose, and other ridiculous names like Faggergy or something like that.

Who is drinking all of these? Why are they still in such high demand?

I remember when Red Bulls first became popular like 10 years ago, and they suddenly became the thing to do. I get that. But that was a while ago. The market should have shrunk, not expanded.

The only time I ever have any type of energy drink is when I am having a Jager Bomb. And don’t get me wrong, I love Jager Bombs. However, they only require a little bit of Red Bull per drink. Has anybody actually ever had a Red Bull by itself? it’s disgusting! it tastes like you just drinking a bowl of sugar. I can actually feel my heart having a heart attack whenever I drink a Red Bull.

I’ve only had a Red Bull twice in my life, and in both instances I got them for free. I would never ever pay money for one of those drinks. The first time, I was in college, and while I was walking towards class, a red Bull truck stopped in front of me and asked me if I wanted a free Red Bull? hey, I like free shit! I said yes, and she gave me one.

What’s a Red Bull truck, you ask? Think of the truck that Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott drive around in Role Models.

The second time I had a Red Bull was actually fairly recently. This past December we did Secret Santas at work, and for my list of things that i want, I put “any beverage that contains caffeine.” So as a joke, my coworker got me an assortment of different coffee drinks, and he included a Red Bull. So I had it.

Who ever needs THAT much energy that you need a Red Bull? if I’m feeling lethargic in the morning, I’ll have some coffee. At least it tastes good. But that’s just to give me the energy to not fall asleep while at my cubicle.

What activity does one partake in where a Red Bull is necessary?

In addition, I’m a little concerned for what the mass production of energy drinks says about our culture. Those things are not healthy. When taken in excess, I’m sure they can cause serious damage to your heart. And what’s stopping a kid from walking into a store and purchasing ten Red Bulls at a time? There’s no law against it. It’s basically legal drugs.

Also, although I confessed my adoration for Jager Bombs, mixing energy drinks and beer can’t be good. one is a depressant (beer), while the other is a stimulant. That can’t be good.

And don’t even get me started about those damn Four Loko drinks. An actual alcoholic energy drink. I honestly don’t even fully know what they are. I just know that a few months, all of a sudden everybody started talking about them. Someone one would say, “Yo, my buddy had like 5 Four Loko’s the other night!” as if I’m supposed to act impressed. When in reality, I think it’s pathetic, and I think that your friend is lucky to still be alive.

What ever happened to natural energy boosts? Like bananas or something. I know coffee isn’t all that great for you either, but it’s a hell of a lot better than energy drinks. And more natural. It grows from the ground!

The energy drink craze needs to stop!

So anyway, I recently watched the trailer for this movie that is coming out this summer called “Horrible Bosses,” and I think it has some potential. Check it out:

Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis and Charlie Day is a nice little leading group, with some more well-known actors in the supporting roles. Plus Jennifer Aniston looks smoking and may relive her glory days for one more movie. I used to be obsessed with her back in the day. But unfortunately, nature has taken its course.

Whew, thank God I’m a guy and we stay good-looking until we’re in our late 40s.

Clothes shopping

I have the same piece of shit shirts that I wear every day. Recently I finally got around to purchasing more business casual apparel, so I’m set with that. But when I’m just going out on a weekend, and all you want to wear is a tee-shirt, I don’t have anything.

I have the same shirts that I bought like four years ago from the likes Abercrombie, Aeropostale, American Eagle and any other poser store that begins with the letter ‘A.’ Half of them don’t even fit me since I’ve acquired a significant gut over the past several months. I swear, whenever I go out, I wear the same three shirts every time. And I really hope nobody notices.

It’s just not in my nature to think to go to the mall and buy new clothes. All I think about is wanting to get home from work, exercise, shower, eat, jerk off and watch TV. That is it.

I never think, “Oh I should stop by the mall because there might be things there that I like.” I know that girls think like that, but they innately enjoy doing that. Girls have to look god. Guys, on the other hand, are allowed to look like shit. In fact, looking like shit has become a trend.

Is it wrong if I think that it’s feminine if a guy goes to the mall a few times a week with no real intention to buy anything, but only to “look around?” If I have to go to the mall, it’s because I desperately need one specific thing. I know exactly which store I am going to, and I try to get in and out really quickly so I don’t get stuck there during rush hour.

Going to the mall is not typically a fun way for me to spend the day.

If it wasn’t extremely lame for 24-year-olds to have their mom buy their clothes for them, I’d have her do it. She has good enough taste that she doesn’t buy clothes that look bad, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t even really care what i wear. But it would be nice to own more than three shirts.

I suppose that is one of the benefits of having a girlfriend; she’ll drag you to the mall to buy clothes. Or not even a girlfriend, but a girl who you’re secretly in love with but too pussy to do anything about it, therefore getting you stuck in the friend zone. Spending a day with each other at the mall is one of the most popular things to do for people in those situations.

What can I do to end this predicament? Should I just shelve my pride and go to the mall one Saturday afternoon, and not leave until I have a large quantity of shirts of my liking? Should I shop online? Should I become a monk and just abandon clothing and wear a robe?

An original design by me.

It’s not that I don’t have at least a slight sense of style that I can’t pick out nice clothes, but I’m just so indifferent towards my appearance that I have no motivation to go shopping. The only article of clothing I do like purchasing is shoes. Because it’s always fun to pick out a new set of kicks.

Plus I don’t even know what type of shirts I’d even want. I definitely don’t want any more shirts with the words “ABERCROMBIE” or “HOLLISTER” draped across them, making me some kind of walking advertisement. Shirts with funny and humorous designs on them are cool, but who really wants to do their clothes shopping at”Hot Topic or a store called “Tees Me”? I’m almost embarrassed just peeking into Hot Topic while walking by it.

Do I shop online? If so, where? How do I know I’m not getting ripped off? I guess that is why the mall is a good place, because you can walk into several stores at once. But I dislike the mall, and there lies the problem.

I wonder if this is a problem for all men, or if I’m just an idiot.

Oh and I should mention that when you consider what I pay for alcohol, food and gasoline, my budget for clothes is four dollars. What will that get me?