Words with Friends is the closest some people will ever come to getting laid

So I finally downloaded Words with Friends the other day, mainly thanks to the encouragement of – wouldn’t you know it? – a friend.

It’s alright. It’s no Scrabulous, which used to exist on Facebook a few years ago until the mean people at Hasbro forced it to be taken down and probably threatened to sue.

But for the few people who don’t know, Words with Friends is a Scrabble-like game for smart phones, where you can challenge your friends to a game whenever you want. The game can take as long as you need, as there is no time limit. You can take five seconds or five days before making your next move, and you can play up to 20 games at a time.

Before I downloaded it, I would hear people absolutely raving about it. I’ve heard people discuss it as if it was this absolutely brilliant, revelatory game that everybody needs to be playing.

However, it’s just… Scrabble. And a shittier form of Scrabble, at that.

It’s like if a slightly different version of Connect 4 suddenly became available to smart phones, and you can challenge your friends, and then you suddenly heard somebody say this:

“Yo dude, DUDE, you need to check out this new game available for smart phones. It’s where you challenge someone one on one, and you have to get four circles in a row before they do!”

Here is what I would say to this nonexistent, over excitable newb (who we all know one of):

“Oh, you mean like, Connect 4? You know, the game I was playing since I was six? And the game that already was basically the exact same thing as tic-tac-toe, but with more space and you have to connect four instead of three? That game?”

Newb’s response: “Yeah man! It’s basically the same thing, except it’s called “’Four to Connect,’ and it’s now something you can play on your phone!”

People need to realize that just because something is on a phone now, that does not mean that it is unique. We can load music onto our smart phones, so does that mean music is a new invention?

But back to Words with Friends. I often hear people talk about how they are playing a game of Words with Friends with a friend, who happens to be a girl. They’ll just randomly say, “I’m destroying my friend in Words with friends. I’m beating her by 80 points!”

First of all, who cares? Second of all, why did you need to point out that it’s a girl?

But then I realized. Words with friends is a fairly intimate, personal experience. It’s only something that involves two people, and it happens privately over your phone. It’s almost like a text conversation. So for the lonely, desperate, sexually deprived, permanent friend-zone inhabitants, Words with Friends is basically the closest thing they have to hooking up with the girl that they secretly like but have no actual chance with.

Just make sure you don’t scare her off by playing sexually indicative words. And definitely don’t really scare her off by proposing to her via word tiles in Words with Friends. I’d strongly advise against using your free space to form the ‘Y’ in the phrase “Will you marry me?”

Although if you do fit that in the triple word score you can probably get a ton of points. It’s also four words. Which is illegal in Scrabble, Scarabulous, Words with Friends, and my own personal “unique” game coming soon to this blog, Weinscrabble.

Alright, I’m not trying to hate on the game too much. In fact, I stopped writing this blog at least two separate times to play a move in some of my currently ongoing Words with Friends battles. The game is fun and is definitely something to keep you occupied during those fifteen second lulls in life, like when you are waiting for porn to finish loading.

You’ll see me playing Words with Friends, but you won’t see me raving about it, and you won’t see me bragging about the fact that I am playing Words with Friends with a girl. Because that doesn’t mean anything.

Now, who wants to play?!

The timeline of Halloween

Yeah I know that Halloween is not until Monday. However, since this weekend is “Halloween weekend,” then I will discuss it now, or else it will be too late.

Halloween is an interesting holiday. I say that, because what you do on this holiday depends on how old you are. As we age, our Halloween festivities evolve. Yeah, there will always be the same themes: candy, costumes, pumpkins, black cats, and all that crap. But, on a more personal level, it does not stay the same.

Allow me to elaborate.

Halloween as a child, ages 5-12

This, in my opinion, is where Halloween hits its apex. There is no better joy in life than your first experience trick-or-treating. Usually, at a young age, you’ll get together with about four or five other families, and you’ll go trick or treating for several hours.

You’ll go to door to door, not even having the slightest clue just how dangerous it is, while collecting shitloads among shitloads of candy. My favorite part of Halloween as an infant was coming home after trick-or-treating, dumping all of my candy out on the floor, and then sorting it out by brand. The Three Musketeers go together, the M&M’s go together, and the Almond Joys all get thrown out.

Of course, you dressed up for the occasion, and if you are a male, then you were one of three things: a ninja, a power ranger, or teenage mutant ninja turtle. At least if it was the early 90s, you were.

It was always fun to see what local homeowners did to their homes and front lawns for the occasion, like hang cobwebs, or turn their property into a graveyard. And when you were a kid, it was spooky.

This joyous tradition continues for a few years. And then when you hit about 10 or 11, and possibly even 12, your parents may become a little more trustworthy and allow you to trick-or-treat later into the night, and maybe with a smaller group. Perhaps they’ll even allow your older brother or sister to supervise you, thus taking away that annoying parental presence. Ah, the liberation.

It was always my goal, during these times, to gather as much candy as I can. If you left a bowl outside with a sign that said “take one,” well, sorry, but I took ten. Deal with it. I still don’t regret it.

In short, these were the days.

Halloween as a young teenager, ages 13-17

This is when things got awkward. Once you become a teenager, trick-or-treating is out of the question. Maybe if you have a kid brother or sister than you can still get away with it, but for the most part, you did not want to be caught dead trick-or-treating. It wasn’t “cool.”

So, what do you do instead? I remember one awkward Halloween, where I was hanging out with a friend at his house, and we knew we were too young to trick-or-treat. However, we didn’t want to be lame, so we decided to go stroll the neighborhood. I remember walking for five minutes when someone tried to hit us with an egg. It barely missed, but you could still consider that my “loss of innocence” as far as Halloween went.

The days of dressing up and going door-to-door with youthful exasperation were over. I thought that I would never enjoy this holiday again. It was a little sad, to be honest. But I would drown my sorrows by eating all the leftover candy that my parents were unable to give away. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got do it.

And then when you turn 15 and 16, Halloween becomes a lot more mischievous. What was once innocent, childlike fun suddenly turned into reckless, potentially dangerous teenage mischief.

Instead of knocking on old Mrs. Johnson’s door to get your share of Raisinettes, you find yourself in your local grocery store picking up eggs, toilet paper and shaving cream. It seems innocent, but tell that to the parents who wake up the next day with rolls of toilet paper in their tree and eggs all over their car. It’s like bullying to the extreme.

Plus you’re driving around while looking for your targets in a pretty reckless manner. Never mind that there were trick-or-treaters all over the place. Honestly, although it was the “thing to do” at the time, I never got much joy out of this. Oh, high school.

Halloween, the college years, ages 18-21.

Welcome to a whole new experience. Remember that part about never dressing up, and never having fun on Halloween again? Yeah, scratch that. In college, Halloween is the biggest party of the year. Even the biggest nerds on campus dress up and hit the bar scene on Halloween.

And with independence comes a whole new level of costumes. Me and my friends used to hit up the Salvation Army and find pretty much whatever we needed for our costumes. I saw things such as Captain Planet, Aladdin, The Geico Caveman and Uncle Sam dressed to perfection.

And don’t even get me started with the girls. No longer under the watchful eye of their parents, and now in the years of their life where they are supposed to “live it up,” girls will dress up in the skimpiest, sluttiest outfits you can imagine. You can pretty much think of any character, and you’ll see it. A slutty nurse, a slutty maid, a slutty teacher, it’s all there. Even Disney characters show up for the sluttiness! You got your slutty Cinderellas, your slutty princess Jasmines and your slutty Snow Whites. It truly is a fairy tale for the eyes.

My one complaint was that the bars used to be absolutely ridiculous at my school on Halloween weekend. It almost wasn’t even worth going in them because they were so packed. People just stood outside in their costumes and conversed with one another. It was pretty awesome. But more importantly, Halloween is fun again.

Halloween, post college, ages 22-27.

Now I fall in the middle of this age range, but I know how it is. This is the age where, yeah, you’re no longer an undergrad, but, shit, you’re not old either. You can still party hardy!

Usually most people will spend at least one Halloween traversing New York City bars in the year or two after college. If you live in New York, of course. It’s a pretty incredible experience.

Parades are happening, streets are closed off, and thousand of thousands of drunk people are walking the streets. Cops are on every corner, but they won’t bother you, especially since everybody’s drunk. They’re really just there to make sure a riot doesn’t break out.

Although, when I did New York City for Halloween, and when I paid $20 to get into a bar and then $10 per drink, I kind of lost my desire to do it again. So now I do what I think most mid-to-late 20 year-olds do; just go to a house party.

This is the best way to go about it for a few reasons. For one, you’re with your friends. Now that everyone’s working at their full-time jobs, or is busy in grad school, it’s hard to get the whole gang together at once. Halloween is the perfect excuse. Plus, you do it while you’re all dressed up.

I should point out that this is probably also the age where girls begin to dress a little more classier, but, you can’t win ‘em all.

This way, you don’t deal with large crowd, expensive prices, potential riots or cold October weather; you just have fun in the confines of a house. Or apartment. And, of course you still dress up. That’s the great thing about Halloween. You’re never too old to dress up. Even when you’re 50, you still do it.

So besides that awkward age when you’re 14 and 15 and you’re “too cool” to do so, dressing up is something that never really goes away. Also, now that you’re smarter, and have money to actually buy stuff, Halloween costumes tend to become more creative and more impressive when you become older.


And that, my friends, is the timeline that is Halloween. What starts out as youthful enthusiasm and joy, turns to adolescent, rebellious pride, turns to teenage transgression, turns to drunken, experimental shenanigans, which turns into quieter, yet still lively and enjoyable times. All while wearing a costume along the way. What is better than that?

Have a good Halloween everyone!

Oh, so that’s how Amy Winehouse died

In July, Amy Winehouse died. And like all celebrity deaths, it was the hot topic of conversation during the immediate aftermath. People were talking about how great her music was, how much talent she wasted, and how you can’t fault her because she had an addiction, etc. You can make a valid argument for all three of those points.

And, like all celebrity deaths, nobody cared anymore a week later. In fact, until I stumbled across an article about her today while procrastinating at work, I had totally forgotten about her.

I mean no disrespect to Ms. Winehouse, of course, but it really is how things work. When you die, people honor and appreciate you for a couple of days, and then you are old news. It’s like you were never here.

Anyway, when Winehouse died, everyone assumed it was drugs. Whether it was an overdose, or heart failure as a result of a history of drug use, no one knew for sure, but I think everyone would have put money on it being drug related.

But until today, we still didn’t know how she died. Who knows, maybe she was doing something moral and honest when she dropped dead. Perhaps she was knitting sweaters for the poor and she accidentally cut her wrist and bled to death. It could happen.

But no, turns out, it was drugs. Or alcohol, rather. 

Amy Winehouse drank herself to death. That was the ruling of a coroner’s inquest into the death of the Grammy-winning soul singer, who died with empty vodka bottles in her room and lethal amounts of alcohol in her blood – more than five times the British drunk driving limit.

When I first read it, I thought, “What?! You can die simply from drinking too much alcohol?! But.. but.. I drink too much alcohol!” And then I read that last sentence about her BAC being more than five times the legal limit. Yup, that will kill you.

Was there even blood in her body at the time? I’m genuinely curious as to what the blood to alcohol ratio was for her BAC to be that high. I mean, five times the legal limit is pretty impressive. She put even the heaviest of drinkers to shame with that.

I also love this sentence in the article:

Coroner Suzanne Greenaway gave a verdict of “death by misadventure,” saying Wednesday the singer suffered accidental alcohol poisoning when she resumed drinking after weeks of abstinence.

Death by misadventure? Isn’t that how loony tunes characters die? Like when Roadrunner chases and lures Wile E. Coyote off of a cliff? That is death by misadventure.

Also, death by misadventure doesn’t sound like a very scientific terminology for describing one’s death. If I am a family member, I think I am going to seek a second opinion on that one. Or just assume she meant death by alcohol poisoning. Since that is what it actually was.

And lastly, death by misadventure actually sounds like a cool way to die. Like if you are traveling into the forest to save the beautiful princess, but then while storming the castle, you fall off the drawbridge and into a lava pit. That is death by misadventure. But drinking enough vodka so that you eventually cause your heart to stop beating? That is not very adventurous, if you ask me.

Anyway, I just thought it was pretty interesting that such a prominent death occurred and people had already forgotten out it before we got the actual cause of death. Knowing what I knew about Winehouse, I’m almost impressed to hear that it wasn’t an overdose of heroin or cocaine, and that it was just alcohol. I think it may even repair her image a little bit.

If there’s anything you can learn from this, it’s that next time you’re out drinking, and you take a shot of vodka, think to yourself for a moment, “Don’t do 25 more of these.” Then you will not meet the same fate as Amy Winehouse.

Bye bye dollar bill?

When I went to Canada about four months ago, it was really my first time leaving the country as a grown up. Of course, the transition from the northeastern United States to Canada doesn’t exactly present much of a culture shock, but the biggest difference up there was having to deal with a completely new currency.

Funny — and upsetting — enough, the U.S. dollar was worth less than the Canadian dollar four months ago. If you requested 100 American dollars at an ATM, you would receive about 92 back. It was a very hurtful moment towards my American pride.

Of course, four months later, the American dollar is now worth more than the Canadian dollar. Go figure. At this current moment in time, the American dollar is worth 1.01 Canadian dollars. Had that been the case four months ago, I would have saved probably a good 100 bucks on the trip. But that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

By the way, you have to be eating a pretty soft fucking cookie for it just suddenly crumble. Although, I do enjoy eating a soft cookie as opposed to a hard cookie. However, while I’ve seen a cookie break before, I’ve never quite seen a cookie just break into a fully fledged crumble after one bite.

But, back to the topic at hand, the most interesting thing about Canadian money is that they have $1 and $2 coins. They don’t have singles, like we do. Initially, thinking along the lines of a typical American, I thought it was kind of silly. But then you get used to it. It makes sense because one dollar isn’t really much of a novelty. It doesn’t deserve its own bill.

I know that $1 and $2 coins probably sounds weird to you, but that’s how many countries do it.

And soon, we may too.


I know. But check it out:

Coins could replace dollar bill, save U.S. $5.6 billion

That’s right. You read that correctly. Not only would it be the practical thing to do, but converting to coins could potentially save our entire economy.

The controversial move would phase out paper bills and replace them with a new $1 coin, increasing production costs at first but saving billions in the long-term. The Government Accountability Office, which issued a report on the cost-savings of a currency switch earlier this year, said that because coins outlast paper currency (which survive about 42 months), the switch would save about $5.6 billion over 30 years.

Some people think that just because America does something, that’s it is the normal way. Well, no. That is just typical, arrogant American thinking. Not everyone drives on the “right side” of the road. Not everyone watches [American]  football. Not everyone says the words “Yo homie, what’s crackin’?” Oh, am I the only one that actually says that?

I absolutely love this part of the article: (It’s short, I promise)

One obstacle to the money-saving move, however, could come from Americans’ dislike of using dollar coins, at least the ones now available.

Oh my God, Americans might be unhappy! They don’t want to carry around coins!

Again, most of the world incorporates coins to a large capacity. More importantly, most of the world whose economies are thriving incorporate coins to a large capacity. Therefore, Any argument against feasibility of coins is easily squashed when you consider the millions of people using them everywhere else.

“But, but,  I don’t want to carry coins!”

“But, but, I might lose them! They’re harder to carry than bills!”

Listen. First of all, $1 bills are pretty useless at this point. It’s not the 1920s anymore. Everything doesn’t cost 29 cents. You can’t even find things at the dollar store for under a dollar these days. Everyone pays with $5s, $10s and $20s. If $1 bills become obsolete, that’s one less thing you need to carry. Just think how annoying it is when you have ten $1 bills sitting in your wallet, and you need to weed through them to get to the bigger bills. And all you want to do is get rid of them.

$1 bills have essentially become the new quarter.

Oh, and there is that one small minuscule detail about how making the change could save the U.S. $5.6 billion. Sure, the economy could singlehandedly be saved with this decision, but the American people disagree because they don’t want to carry around coins.

The real loser in all of this? Strip clubs. $1 bills, or “singles,” are notorious for being inserted into the g-string of a stripper who will tell you that she is trying to pay her way through college. This wonderful cultural aspect will be lost. One cannot place a coin into a g-string, unfortunately.

I’m not sure what the alternative will be. Either patrons will have to tip higher, (good luck with that) or strip clubs will have to create new policies where you pay upfront instead of tipping. I’m really trying not to understate this — this will change the entire culture of strip clubs in this country. I’m going to have to research how other countries handle this. And yes, just in case you’re wondering; while in Canada, I did go to strip clubs. But everything was prepaid, and I thus I did not encounter this problem. I am that ballin’.

Alright, but I’ll be real now. I know that it’s a pretty big change, and that upon first hearing about it, most people will say, “Whaaaat?! I don’t want to get rid of my bills! I love George Washington!” And I get that. When you’re so accustomed to something, any other alternative seems outlandish.

But, shit, I spent just two and a half days in Canada and I already understand the practicality of coins instead of small bills. I think that if you sit and think about it, then you will too.

And hey, my boy GW will always still have the quarter.

…and the entire state of Washington.

Wedding Crashers ruined wedding pickups

I attended my fourth wedding in the last 16 months yesterday. However, this one was unique because, of all of those weddings, this was the first gay wedding. As you all know, same-sex marriage was finally legalized in New York by Governor Andrew Cuomo this past June. A little overdue if you ask me, but they got it done.

So anyway, of the four weddings, I think it’s safe to say that this one was a little more unique.

I don’t know if it is because of the fact that it was a same-sex wedding — and that it probably was the first time any of the attendees have ever been to one  — or just because we have finally hit the age where everybody has a smart phone, but when the bride and… bride… were walking down the aisle, I swear, you’d think Queen Elizabeth herself was the one doing the walking.

The hall suddenly became engulfed with the clicking sound of cameras, and the flashes of picture-taking. I guess this is what we can now come to expect from weddings. You certainly would not have seen this five years ago, and probably not even a year ago. Damn you Steve Jobs. The man had the last laugh.

However, it was pleasurable to see how excited everyone truly was to be at the wedding. It was really a great experience for everybody. And it was definitely the first time I have ever people actually openly cheering, whistling and shouting in delight as the married couple left the reception. Usually it’s just a polite clap, if anything. But not at this wedding.

So that was what made it unique.

What wasn’t unique, was the open bar.

Earlier today, I brainstormed a list of all that I drank while at the wedding. I’m the kind of guy who likes to mix things up when he has an open bar at his disposal, so it was fairly easy for me to remember everything I ordered. Here is what I came up with:

Now I’ve done some pretty remarkable things at wedding, but I think I set the bar pretty high with this one. And what did I spend on all of those beverages? Why, the lofty sum of…

Unless, of course, you count the hefty donation I generously made as my wedding gift to the brides. Then, yeah, I spent a lot.

But now, uniqueness, aside, there is a bone I have to pick. And it’s with the movie industry.

When you attend as many weddings as I have in such a short period of time, you can finally start to get the gist of what weddings are all about. Sure, each wedding has their own unique flair, but, for the most part, the same things happen: Drinks, fun, dancing, love, photos etc.

Weddings have always been known, and sensationalized as, a great place to meet women.

You always hear people talk about how many single women are going to be there, how desperate they are going to be, and how drunk they will end up. All of that is supposed to be the perfect combination for sexual intercourse. So I hear.

And why is this? It’s because of movies like Wedding Crashers. Why do you think that film was so popular? It’s because it is such an awesome concept; going to weddings, having fun, and hooking up with hot women. The thought of it made every male happy. It’s also why The Hangover was so popular. It’s not like the plot of that film was extraordinarily unique — it was just awesome because it took place over a wild weekend in Las Vegas, which is everybody’s dream.

So anyway, bearing all that in mind, I went to my first wedding (as an adult) a little over a year ago, trying to pull my best Vince Vaughn and pick up a hot redhead that resembled Isla Fisher.

Didn’t happen.

Next wedding: didn’t happen. Third wedding, fourth wedding, nada. By now, it’s no longer a one-time thing; it’s a trend. But then I thought, “wait a minute — it’s not me. Of course it’s not me,” as I stared at myself in the mirror. The blame lies in the very film I was trying to replicate: Wedding Crashers.

Because everyone, just as I was, is so so aware and perceptive of the fact that weddings are supposed to be a haven for single folk to hook up, people become so much more protective. Everyone realizes how cliché and, to be honest, how corny it is to try to hit on a girl at a wedding.

So, as a result, everyone just sticks to their friends and doesn’t leave that circle. Granted, it may be different for women over the age of 30, who may become more desperate and/or lonely at weddings, as opposed to 24-year-olds. I would not know.

I no longer go to a wedding with the thought that I will pick up chicks. And I only have Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson and a cameo of Will Ferrell to blame.

Perhaps I should start trying funerals…

Adam Sandler revisited

Back in July, after first learning about the upcoming movie, “Jack and Jill,” I expressed my disbelief that a movie of such nature could possibly be made. In the film, Adam Sandler plays both a man (Jack) and his twin sister (Jill). But Jill doesn’t look anything like a woman — that is the joke. It just looks like Adam Sandler in drag.

It’s one of those movies that you just glance at, and within seconds — three questions come to mind.

1) How the hell could this movie, that is so obviously terrible, ever get passed each individual step of the production process?

2) What the hell was Adam Sandler thinking when he took this role?

3) Will this ruin Adam Sandler’s legacy?

All valid questions. However, the big question, in my mind, is number three. People always talk about how dependable actors, once they hit their declining years, do some shitty movies, and in the process they endanger their legacy. Most of the time it’s just nonsense. However, I think Jack and Jill is indeed a potential legacy killer.

Let’s go more in-depth and take a look at the career that is, Adam Sandler. I did this with Amanda Seyfried a while back, and now it’s Sandler’s turn. Come join me!

Adam Sandler

1995 – 2000: Starting out with a bang

Adam Sandler had an advantage that very few actors or actresses have when they first embark on their movie career; he was already a household name. He had a great five-year run on Saturday Night Live, and he had already showed the world how funny he was. However, the question still remained: Could he be a movie star? The answer was yes.

Billy Madison has withstood the test of time and remains one of the funniest films to be released in the past two decades. You would think, after seeing it a good dozen times, that it would stop being funny at some point. It doesn’t. And the same goes for Happy Gilmore. In those two films, Sandler is raunchy, idiotic and violent, and yet — hysterical, sensitive and likable. Basically everything you look for in a leading man. After those two movies alone, Sandler was a star.

While nothing ever topped those two, his next few films — The Wedding Singer, The Waterboy, Big Daddy and Little Nicky — are for the most part, equally as retarded, and thus, equally as funny.

The best part about Sandler, early in his career, is that he made hilarious films without using explicit language. His films are all rated PG-13 at the highest. Nowadays, a movie isn’t funny unless there is foul language. Sandler managed to make us keel over in laughter without being exposed to vulgarity. That is a very rare task that not many people are capable of.

Also, Big Daddy represented a bit of a step in Sandler’s career. While his other early films are pure comedies, and don’t really make the viewer emote, Big Daddy attempts to tug at your heartstrings. And it does, somewhat. It was a nice change for Sandler. He showed that he does indeed have potential to act in a serious role later in his career. Foreshadowing? You betcha!

2002 — 2007: Sandler matures a little and attempts to evolve

I think “evolve” is a good word to use at this point in Sandler’s career. Because it’s not like he changed his acting methods. He just grew older, became more mature, and his behavior changed. He was now in his mid-30s at this point, and was a little too old to be speaking gibberish, chasing giant penguins and yelling at the top of his lungs.

Mr. Deeds was the first film where people started to wonder if Sandler lost his touch. Personally, I like Mr. Deeds. I think it is a nice, wholesome flick. It was just different from his previous works, and that is why some people thought negatively about it.

Shortly after, Anger Management became one of Sandler’s first blockbuster films where he was a co-star. He was paired up with Jack Nicholson, and there was a lot of hype surrounding it, and in the end, it ultimately failed. Not that it was terrible, but when do you ever hear anyone talk about this movie? In fact, I bet some of you even forgot it existed until I just mentioned it.

In 2006, it looked like Sandler may be returning to his roots of “retarded humor” with Click. However, the film ended up being a very serious family film. While it is a bit too overdramatic for my taste, it still sends a very nice message, and again, shows Sandler’s change in maturity. It happens. However, it was pretty much at this point when people finally accepted that Sandler had lost his touch, and that he would never replicate his original films like Billy Madison or Happy Gilmore.

Lastly, Sandler co-starred in Reign Over Me in 2007, alongside Don Cheadle. Honestly, this movie is a gem that not enough people have seen — and by far Sandler’s best performance in his career. I’m not saying it was Oscar-worthy, but it was a tough task for Sandler, playing a serious role without a shred of humor involved, and he did a really nice job. While watching the film, you really care about his character. In my opinion, this movie — while not a comedy — didn’t alter Sandler’s reputation as a “funny man,” if anything, it cemented his reputation as a solid actor in general.

2008 – 2010: Sandler, now in his early 40s, makes a comeback.

At this point, I, like everyone else in the world, accepted that Sandler would never make a “laugh out loud” hilarious movie again. I expected his movies to have some laughs, but that they would mostly attempt to be wholesome, family films.

However, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry was a pleasant surprise. While still not vintage Sandler, it was a much better film than what we were accustomed to lately from him, and he showed shades of his former self. It was nice to see, but I was still skeptical that he could have a true comeback.

And then Don’t Mess With the Zohan came out. My expectations weren’t all that high for this, but I saw it in theaters, and man, did Sandler punch us all right in the face. He was his absurd, ridiculous, hysterical self again. In fact, you can make the case that Zohan is his funniest film in his career besides his first two. Regardless, the world came to a realization — Sandler still had something left in the tank.

He did the film Bedtime Stories after that, which, alright, you can give him a pass for. He had done two quality films in a row, and he was allowed to do a children’s film that didn’t require much acting and that he probably got paid $20 million to do. I can live with it — just don’t do it again.

Next, Funny People represented Sandler’s first film with Judd Apatow. It’s pretty much universally liked. In the film, he was kind of playing himself — but as more of an asshole. Ironically, in the film, Sandler’s character gets repeatedly mocked for doing films that are “obviously bad,” and have outlandish premises that really don’t appeal to anyone. In the movie, it represents his failures. You’d think he would have learned something from that (foreshadowing again!) Anyway, I blended this movie together with Chuck & Larry and Zohan as part of Sandler’s resurgence. However, it didn’t last too long.

It’s almost like Sandler put everything he had into Zohan and Chuck & Larry, and even Funny People, because his next movies, Grown Ups and Just Go With It, were pretty awful. In fact, those movies make me believe that not only may his “Rated R” career be done, but perhaps even his “PG-13” career.

Present day: Jack and Jill, the potential legacy killer.

So now that we have dissected his career, we must determine whether this will ruin everything:

There’s no denying that nobody will ever forget the great things that Sandler has done. But the real question is, when his career is over, and when people look back on Sandler, what will they discuss first? Will it be his glory days, as an SNL cast member and the raunchy, immature jackass we all know and love that is Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore?

Will it be how, at age 40, he gave us one more rocking and funny performance as the Zohan?

Or will it be how, in 2011, he decided to sell out, collect his paycheck and deliver us the piece of cowshit movie that will be Jack and Jill? Will it really be that bad?

For Sandler’s sake, I really hope not.

Elderly people trying to cling to their youth

Now let me say, straight off the bat, that I have no problem with old people.

In fact, I firmly believe that our elders deserve our respect. They have dealt with a lot more shit in life than we have, and how they handled that shit paved the way for our own generation. So for that, they deserve to be commended.

However, and yes, obviously there is a however…

When I go out to a bar on Friday or Saturday night, looking to have a few drinks and possibly interact with some aesthetically-appealing looking females who happen to be within the proximity of my age range, what I don’t want to see is 45 to 50 year to women wearing provocative clothing and dancing like whores on the dance floor.

I understand the whole “trying to feel young” thing. I appreciate that, in your elder years, you are still trying to “live it up.” But please find some other shithole bar to do it at with a more age-appropriate crowd, and not the one I am currently occupying.

I can’t help it, but when I see these woman dancing and clearly wasted, it annoys the hell out of me. Many thoughts pass through my head.

First of all, I become ashamed that I am currently in the same establishment as them. I do not want to be associated with them in any way.

Secondly, I think, “this is somebody’s mother.” How the hell would you feel if you knew your mother was out tramping it up at some bar, dressed totally inappropriately and making a fool of themselves? Shouldn’t they be ashamed that they are in the same bar with 20-year-olds? And don’t they know that these 20-year-olds, like me, are looking down upon them with shame and disgust? I can’t even bear the thought.

My last, and the most definitive thought, is that these women inspire me to not ever want to be them. And no, I don’t mean that I don’t ever want to become a woman. I mean that, when I am 45, I pray to GOD that I am happily married, with kids, and with a stable job, and that I am perfectly content spending a Friday or Saturday night with my wife and kids watching television or having family game night or some crap.

If I’m 45 or 50, and I’m at some local bar getting drunk and jumping around on the dance floor, I will know that I have failed. I will know that, somewhere along the line, my life took a turn towards the bad side.

Will I still want to consume alcohol when I am that age? Of course. But more likely in the confines of my own house, hopefully with some friends who I still remain close with, while playing poker or watching a sports game. And not at a bar, surrounded by people half my age, who are trying to ignore the fact that my presence makes them uncomfortable.

I know I am giving elderly people a raw deal here, but come on, your time is up. You had your time, and hopefully you lived it well.

I am still in my early mid-20s, and I know that I am not 19 anymore, and that things have changed, but I am still at a perfectly appropriate age to go out to a bar and make a fool of myself. In a few years I know things will be different, and that is why I full well intend to make the most of it while I still can.

I mean, if you’re 45, and you still look like J-Lo, then alright, maybe you can still pull it off. But, let’s face it, most 45-year-olds look very much like they are 45. And maybe older.

Am I being too hard on these elderly woman? Perhaps. But am I right? No doubt.

Occupy Wall Street would work if people actually knew more about the world

I’d say that the average American has heard the term “Occupy Wall Street” many times over the past month, more so in the past week, but still doesn’t really know exactly what it is.

If you work or live in New York City, than you probably have a much better idea.

However, I’m not sure if people’s lack of knowledge for Occupy Wall Street is a result of ignorance or indifference. Regardless of which one of those two, it doesn’t matter — because it’s the exact reason why it won’t work out in the end.

Here’s the gist of Occupy Wall Street: The top 1% of the wealthiest people in the United States basically control everything, and the other 99% don’t matter.

Okay, that’s an exaggeration. However, it is true that the nation’s richest 1% account for 24% of the country’s income.

from inequality.org

As you can see, the last time the wealth inequality was this bad in the United States was during the Great Depression. Yeah, bet you didn’t know that. Now it all kind of makes sense, right?

So the Occupy Wall Street protesters are protesting the unequal distribution of wealth, amongst other issues, such as corporate greed, government cutbacks and the global jobs crisis. Which are probably huge issues. Not that I could give any more specific details on them.

So as long as the protests remain civil and legal, I don’t have any problems with it. But that’s enough with throwing facts and charts and statistics at you. Let me tell you why Occupy Wall Street will ultimately fail.

Because no one gives a shit.

The average American, while far from rich, is still able to get by. We still own computers, refrigerators, microwaves, iPods, etc. When you’re able to do that stupid Geico mustache app on your smart phone, you know your financial status is not in complete disarray.

Why did the Egyptian protest work? Because people’s lives were in jeopardy. Their government was corrupted and they had no rights. They lacked freedom of speech, free elections, were being brutalized by police, and while everyone in Egypt was poor as shit (44.4% of the Egyptian population are in the range of extreme poor to near poor) their leader at the time, Hosni Mubarek, was worth up to $70 billion due to corruption, kickbacks and other business activities.

And yet, even despite all that horror, it still took nearly two decades and 846 deaths to successfully revolt. They did get it done, which is awesome, but it took a while and the Egyptian people endured many hardships — and that was when they undoubtedly needed to protest.

The fact that I spend nearly 20% of my income on alcohol is an indicator to me that I do not need to stand on Wall Street and start picketing.

Do I support the protest? Sure. It could only help. At the very least, it brings all of the economic inequality to light. However, revolutions don’t work unless you have actual motivation. If people’s lives aren’t in danger, they are not going to be protesting. Shit, the average American probably can’t even pull themselves away from the McDonald’s fast food line long enough to protest anyway.

And actually hauling a sign, while walking back and forth and shouting for a couple of hours? Man, that’s more exercise than some people get in a year.

Yeah, our country has plenty of problems, but the middle class, which constitutes about 65% of the U.S. (when you combine lower, middle and upper middle class), still have things way too good. And thus, they’re not all that interested.

Again, when you can do this…

…then you don’t have the motivation to protest.

So, again, Occupy Wall Street protesters, as long as you don’t start lighting police cars on fire, you have my support. However, I can tell you upfront that it’s probably not going to solve anything. Things have to get worse — and not just worse, rock bottom — for it to get better. Just like everything else in the world.

Having difficulties activating your iPhone 4S redefines first world problems

All of last week, I saw people publicizing the fact that they just preordered the brand new iPhone 4S.


When a new phone comes out, especially if it’s an Apple product, people don’t do any advanced research. They just assume they need to have it because it’s the most up-to-date technology and it’s the new hot commodity. And the extravagant and overpriced costs of such devices are apparently not an issue.

Bragging about pre-ordering your new iPhone is essentially another way of attempting to say, “Yo, I got money bitches.” Instead of posting a picture of your new phone, packed safely inside it’s box, you might as well just have posted a picture of a stack of 20s. It has the same condescending effect.

So now that the phone has been released and distributed, I’ve heard people express their frustration with how long it takes to activate the phone to be able to actually use it.

Excuse me for a second. I’m going to get my violin and play the most somber tune imaginable in honor of your vast troubles.

There are even articles about it online:

Early this morning, Cult of Mac reported that people across the “blogosphere” were complaining that they weren’t able to activate the iPhone 4S on AT&T’s network due to too much strain on the carrier’s servers. Those owners said that the activation process got hung up when the device displayed a screen saying, “It may take up to 3 minutes to activate your iPhone.”

Oh my goodness, three whole minutes?! That is an absolute travesty! I think everyone should drop what they’re doing, grab a pitchfork and light it on fire, and storm your local Apple store. We have to let them know that we will not stand for this.

During that three-minute time frame, while you impatiently stared at your iPhone screen, shouting obscenities and posting on Facebook with your OTHER phone while you waited, a woman in Somalia was forced to bury her three-month old son who just died of starvation.

I can’t even imagine the stress and pain that everybody endured while they waited for their iPhone to activate. It must have been indescribable.

Meanwhile, when I asked the new iPhone 4S users what exactly the main appeal of this new advice is, they went on and on about this “Siri” character. My initial thought was, does she give blowjobs? If so, then yeah, that’s pretty cool.

But she doesn’t. Apparently Siri is a “personal assistant” inside your phone who you could give verbal (but not oral!) commands to, such as “Call dad,” or “Text Tom.”

Upon hearing this, I said, “Wait, iPhones never have been able to do that? I got a Droid six months ago and you can use voice command for everything.” This shocked at least one iPhone user, who did not realize the Droid had such abilities.

Droid 1, iPhone 0.

So, not only did I get a good laugh at the people’s expense who spent tons of money to pre-order this “innovative technological device,” only to discover that, firstly, it took FOREVER to activate, and secondly, that it is only now catching up to the abilities of other smart phones. In fact, I think I’ll laugh again right now.

As all technological fads, the iPhone 4S will already be old news in about four days. Maybe, just maybe, its buyers will have their phone activated by then.

Halloween costumes

For the past two weeks now, on multiple occasions, I’ve had people ask me what I plan to wear on Halloween.

And this has been my response: “I don’t know. Halloween is three weeks away. I can’t even begin to answer that question because I have put so little thought into it.”

Whenever people ask me, I have to think for a second. Because the thought of dressing up hasn’t even entered the realm of my mind. In fact, I still don’t even have the faintest idea whether I even plan to dress up for Halloween.

It’s still early October. Maybe when It’s October 29th, I’ll think about it. That is when I will make a decision. And not on October 5th. People were asking me so early in the month that I didn’t even remember that it was October. I didn’t even realize that we were in the month that Halloween falls in.

I know that Halloween is a big deal to some people. They’ve dressed up in the past, and thus they are now expected to find some awesome costume to dress up in every year.

And I know that girls have an obligation to dress up for Halloween. Normally it is of something of the slutty variety, though I am unsure at what age that ends.

But for me, it’s just not something I feel is worth thinking about. And it is not because I think that I am too good for Halloween, or that I am too good for dressing up, I just think that it’s a giant waste of time. First of all, if you’re going to put a lot of time and effort into creating a Halloween costume, then it better be good.

There is nothing more hysterical than seeing somebody wear this elaborate costume, where you can tell they’ve days — and possibly weeks — making, and you don’t even know what they are. That is probably the best part of Halloween.

I believe that the best Halloween costumes could be made in five minutes. And literally the five minutes before you leave for a Halloween party.

For example, two years I ago I taped a dry erase board to my chest, scribbled the word “Facebook” at the top, and went over to a party. At least three people told me that I had the best costume that night. Tons of people approached me throughout the party and kept writing on my “wall.” It was a hit. I was awesome. Unfortunately, the night did not end with my relationship status changing from “single” to “having sex right now.” How awesome would that be if it was an actual relationship status?

So that is why I become so flustered when people ask me about my Halloween costume nearly a month before the actual holiday. When I was asked the first time, I became shocked by the discovery that people in the world actually do think about their Halloween costumes so far in advance. And then I got asked a couple more times, and I learned that it was a common thing.

Being the bubble burster that I am, I used to bash on Halloween all the time. I hated it during college because it meant that every bar would be packed. I’ve softened on it now, because I’ve accepted the fact that it adds a unique twist to the night, and what the hell? If people want to get dressed up for a night and look like idiots, why not let them? If it means they’ll come out and I get to have a beer with them, then who cares if I’m drinking with a retarded-looking version of Superman?

Now I know what you’re all wondering. He’s blogging about it, so obviously he must have some idea of what he might dress up as, right? Right? Well, no. I still don’t. But I assure you that I probably will do something, that it won’t take me longer than ten minutes to make, and that it will be creative and funny.

Just like this blog!