Little kids are cute and funny, but only for like two minutes

As we grow older, and become more wary of the hardships that the world presents us on a daily basis, we almost forget that there was once a time in our lives when we were children.

There once was a day when we had absolutely no clue whatsoever about what life had in store for us. We were too young and our brains weren’t fully developed for us to know. Our only concerns at the time was whether the square block will ever fit in that circular hole, and when the hell we were getting another juice box to drink. That’s it. Life was that simple.

It was glorious times, and now, as we all progress into our mid-to-late 20s, and beyond, we are faced with real problems. We’re still trying to fit a square block into the circular hole, except we are the square block, and the circular hole is the world. And it’s not working.

So that is why, whenever we are introduced to small children, we become excited and joyful, because for a moment we revert back to our own childhood, and feed off the small child’s youthful enthusiasm and blissful ignorance. Oh and you’re probably wondering what context you would come about meeting small children. Well I’m obviously referring to when you are introduced to a friend’s niece or nephew, or a family friend’s son or daughter. I do NOT mean standing on a street corner holding jolly ranchers while holding a sign saying “I want to meet your kids.”

Anyway, so it’s always funny to see a small child light up with joy at simple things like spinning in a revolving chair, or the blow of bubbles from one of those… bubble-maker things, or in the most adorable context imaginable, interacting with a smaller animal like a kitten or a puppy.

It’s a nice little distraction. Little kids are supposed to be cute. They have not yet developed their own unique physical qualities, and they all pretty much look the same.

However, after a couple of minutes of the kid doing the exact same thing repeatedly, and you watching and laughing along, the time is up. After about two minutes, maybe three minutes tops, it’s time to return your life and go about your business.

I bring this up because today a coworker brought her grandson into the office. Obviously it’s even more noteworthy in this situation, because it’s not often you see a 2-year-old in a work environment (Unless you work at Discovery Zone), and therefore, it’s only inevitable that every single person in the office within a 100-foot radius is going to be attracted towards that desk so that they could meet the small child, all while laughing and making sounds like “Awww” and saying, “Oh my God, he’s so cute!”

And when he spins around on the chair for the first time, sure, it’s funny. Even I’ll chuckle.

However, when it happens for the 11th or 12th time, it’s not funny anymore. I’m not blaming the kid for doing it, shit, if I were 2-years-old I’d be spinning around in that chair until my mom forcefully dragged me away from it.

But when you’re a spectator, and you continuously act like every single thing the kid does is “the cutest thing you’ve ever seen,” then that is when it becomes annoying.

First of all, you’re giving the kid way too much attention. As a result, It’ll cause him to seek more attention, and then he will carry this behavior with him as he ages, thinking that he’s the greatest thing to ever walk this earth. Why do you think Lindsay Lohan turned into such a trainwreck? Because, as a toddler, her mother probably brought her with her wherever she went, and since she was a cute child, every single idiot probably worshipped her. She got used to it, and next thing you know, she’s a drug addict.

By giving these little kids so much attention, we are all enablers.

People’s lives must be extremely dull if they are so entertained by every action, every word of gibberish and every facial expression that they witness from a small child.

I mean, I get that it’s funny, but some people act like it’s the most incredible thing they’ve ever experienced when a small child says practically anything.

And I don’t even dislike kids. I like them. They’re fine. I just think it’s silly when people act like a small child is something they’ve never witnessed before. They all do the same exact thing. Always.

So again, just two minutes of my attention, and then I’m bored by them.

I’m going to be a great father someday.

There’s a difference between indifference and lack of ambition

Whenever I talk with people about my current job, and my current situation in life, the question always leads to “So, what’s next? Where do you go from here?”

And then when I respond by saying, ‘I’m not really sure. We’ll see how it goes,” it humors me to see people’s reaction sometimes.

Sometimes they’ll say, “How can you not know? It’s your future!” and continue to badger and bombard me with questions. But I’ll keep pumping out the same response.

“I don’t know.”

I think sometimes people often misinterpret my indirect and unsatisfying response. They associate now knowing with not caring. And that is simply not the case. I certainly care about my future, and I have no desire to end up as a bum standing on a street corner holding a tin bucket and a sign stating that the apocalypse is near.

I didn’t take a direct course in life, and that was not unintentional. I didn’t go pre-med, didn’t go pre-law, and I (at least now) have no desire to go into teaching, so I chose to just enter the work force relying solely on my abilities and my credentials. So far, it has worked out fine, and I could not be more content.

The truth is, I do not really think about things very far in advance. I don’t plan. I don’t have a time frame that says I need to be accomplishing certain things at a certain age. Is this a good thing? Not really. But is it a bad thing? Hell no.

For one thing, it saves me a lot of stress, which essentially will save me years of my life. I know people who have a lot of ambition, and who also feel like they are obligated to achieve great things. I also know how stressed out they become as a result of this. And in my mind, it is totally not worth it.

I like to live life one day at a time. I don’t think about my next career path until I need to, and I don’t think about how I could get there until I need to. But does that mean I have no ambition? I certainly do not think so. It just means I go about my business differently.

I also don’t set goals. Short-term goals and long-term goals are excuses people use to pretend they are on the right track. As I write this, my short-term goal is to breathe, and my long-term goal is to finish this sentence. Hey, I just accomplished both! I guess that means I achieved all of my goals, and that I have nothing left to accomplish in life.

I surely do not expect to become the next Bill Gates, Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg with my carefree, live-for-today mantra, but I perfectly expect to live a long, stress-free and successful life, regardless of whatever nudging people try to inflict upon me.

I only bring this up because some people need to realize that life is not about earning money and having an upscale job, it’s about being happy and content with where you are. In six months from now, I strive to be happy. That’s all I want, and that’s all I need. I also want to have a smoking hot girlfriend.

So anyway, today I was at a deli for lunch, and my meal cost $5.43. So I gave the cashier a ten-dollar bill and two quarters. He looks at one of the quarters and gives it back to me. That is when I notice that it is Canadian money.

Then the idiot looked at me like I was a thief. I actually felt guilty of something.

Yeah dude, that’s me, I’m the notorious “quarter thief” who goes around to all of the delis in Long Island trying to pay with foreign currency. I’m wanted in four states.

That he would react that way peeved me for several reasons.

First of all, I go to that deli almost every day for lunch. Mainly because it’s in a convenient location, not because it’s really good. So they know me there. They know I am not a criminal.

Second of all, even though it is not American money, Canadian money still isn’t worthless. It’s not like I handed him Monopoly money. Canadian currency has value, no matter where you are. In fact, as of six months ago, it was worth more than American money. Therefore, had he accepted it, he would have been the thief. Although, American money is now back on top, where it belongs. Fuck you Justin Bieber.

Thirdly, this specific guy is an idiot. Every time I order a sandwich from him, he always finds some way to screw it up. So in his own head, he probably actually think that I did hand him fake money. He also probably only has a job because the deli is involved with some type of program that hires invalids to society.

Fortunately, other than my one quarter and my one “illegal” quarter, I had exactly one dime, a nickel and three pennies in my pocket, which the mathematically capable minds could figure out adds to precisely 43 cents — plus a Canadian quarter. I paid my $10.43 and got back a crisp five-dollar bill.

Actually, maybe I should reconsider my career path and actually become a deli thief. That counts as having ambition, right?

Can you feel it?

Thanksgiving is over. The embarrassment that is Black Friday is over. November is nearly over, and in two days, we flip the calendar over to the twelfth and final month of the year. Actually, do people even still use flip calendars anymore? Or do we just check the date on our phones? I only just recently replaced the flip calendar in my room. It was from 2006.

Anyway, so with the flipping of the calendar from November to December, it only means one thing.

It’s Christmas time, baby!

Or, to be more politically correct, it’s “the holiday season.” *coughChristmasTimecough*

It’s just such a wonderful time of the year. Upon returning to work this morning following the extended weekend, I turned on my radio, and the first song that is playing is “Let it Snow.” It really brightened my day.

Of course it was about 60 degrees out, and the odds of it snowing anytime soon are the same as Taylor Swift knocking on my front doors to sing Christmas Carols. Seriously, this weather is becoming a little off-putting. Just get cold, and stay cold. I’m ready.

But I sincerely hope that all my fellow readers are also starting to feel the holiday spirit. I know that all of these global corporations like Wal-Mart and Starbucks try to force Christmas onto you even sooner, like in early November, with their holiday beverages and their commercials with cars in the driveways and bows on top of them, so that they could brainwash you into spending money even sooner. However, I did my best to phase all that out, because you can’t truly get into the holiday spirit until after Thanksgiving. And now, that time is here.

Christmas, like so many other holidays, is something that evolves. When I was a toddler, you couldn’t find a more excited kid on my block come Christmas time than me. I was filled with anticipation in the weeks leading up to the special day, and could never sleep on Christmas Eve. All I wanted to do was open presents and play with my new toys.

Unfortunately, as I aged, I lost that youthful innocence, and stopped getting excited for Christmas. It was really sad and unfortunate, and a real upsetting time period in my life.

However, recently, the Christmas spirit has rekindled within me. No, I’m not a toddler again, but I have a newfound appreciation. When December rolls around, something lights up within me, and I find myself in a nonstop continuous good mood.

I love hearing the Christmas music, I love seeing the crappy made-for-TV movies on ABC Family that usually star Mario Lopez, and I love seeing holiday versions of all of my favorite TV shows. Oh yeah, and actual Christmas day isn’t so bad, either.

There is just something magical about this time of the year. I already started brainstorming a list of all of the Christmas movies I wish to watch this month, and as I was doing it I became even more excited. I almost needed to get myself a new pair of pants! Too much information? My bad.

You know what it was that probably started this good mood? No, it wasn’t Thanksgiving, nor was it the Jets winning a football game yesterday, it was on Saturday. Around midday, while lying in bed in my hung over state, I turned on FX only to see that there was a movie marathon, featuring “The Devil Wears Prada” and “27 Dresses.” And that’s what did it.

Does it make me a borderline homosexual to admit that I love those two movies? It’s extremely possible. But as a lover of romantic comedies, those are two of the best to come out since the golden age of the mid-90s when we got such classics as “Clueless” and “Blast from the Past.”

So that is how I spent the majority of my Saturday. I love Anne Hathaway and to a lesser extent, Katherine Heigl, and I must thank them for making my day such an enjoyable treat.

That was… until today.

What news was I made aware of? Well, only this:

Anne Hathaway is engaged to Adam Shulman

Did I have an actual chance with Anne Hathaway? Probably not. But is this news still devastating? Yes. Yes it surely is.

The hardest part of this entire ordeal is that I never even really got a chance. I never got to have that chance encounter with Ms. Hathaway, where, inevitably, one moment of eye contact would have been all I needed. I don’t know who this Adam Shulman character is, but he is public enemy #1 as far as I concerned.

Anne Hathaway and Maria Sharapova engaged in the same 12-month period? I don’t think my heart can take it. Who’s next, Taylor Swift? The thought terrifies me.

Oh well, it’s a good thing it’s the holiday season, and that it is the season for cheerfulness and forgiveness. All I have to do is listen to “This Gift” by 98 Degrees and I’ll be good again.

Black Friday brings out the worst in humanity

Alright, I understand that we all like having cool stuff. Giant televisions, laptops, touch pads, stereo systems, whatever. We all want to own everything.

Additionally, I know that people like cheap stuff. Bargain hunting is one of the most fun things about shopping.

Finally, I understand that the economy is in the shitter, and consequently, that people need to rely on discounts to afford things.

I get all that. And yet, it still doesn’t justify the behavior that is put forth by our species on Black Friday.

Honestly, do people not have better things to do with their time? You are that desperate for discounted items that you need to wait overnight, for hours, in the cold and stand with a thousand other jackasses outside of your local Best Buy?

Sorry, but I don’t care how good of a sale there is, my time is too precious to me to waste doing that.

I’ve seen video footage of people storming into Wal Mart on Black Friday, and just grabbing whatever is in sight. They aren’t even shopping for a specific thing. They become rabid carnivores. It’s truly horrific.

Shit, a couple of years ago, a store employee at a Wal Mart in Long Island died because he was stampeded on when the customers were let in the store. He DIED. I swear, on the last Friday of November each year, our country is set back thousands of years to the early ages of tribalism.

So you can imagine my disgust, when I recently read an article about how, nine days before black Friday, a man was already camping outside of a Best Buy on November 16th in St. Petersburg, Florida.

That is nine days before Black Friday. Nine days. Nine.

Do you know how many things you can accomplish in nine days? You can climb a mountain in nine days, read Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s epic novel Crime and Punishment in nine days, you can defeat the entire Mario 64 video game in nine days. Shit, Jesus Christ created the entire world in less than nine days. But no, this guy is going to sit in a tent, for nine days – 226 hours – just so he can save a hundred bucks on a TV. I truly, truly hope that his tent lacked oxygen.

But you know what? That’s not even the worst story that came out of this year’s Black Friday. Not even close. In Los Angeles, a women pepper sprayed up to 20 people trying to gain an advantage while shopping at a Wal Mart on Black Friday.

I… I… really don’t even know what to say. Aside from actual murder, rape, child molestation and kidnapping, this is one of the worst acts I have ever heard of. Talk about a complete lack of scruples. Her mother and father must be so proud.

Whoever she is, she deserves to be lined up, chained to a wall, and should be pepper sprayed nonstop by the police officer who pepper sprayed all of those UC Davis students a week ago.

Seriously, what is going on with our country and abusing pepper spray lately? Pepper spray should be used to prevent an attack, and, well, really that’s it. That’s the only situation. It should not be used on people who are quietly and passively protesting, and not on people who are shopping at Wal Mart, Black Friday or not.

It truly just boggles my mind. Anyone who participates in Black Friday annoys me as it is, but for someone to actually cause physical harm on 20 other individuals by use of pepper spray… let’s just say that I truly, truly hope that this women gets caught. She does not deserve to walk this earth freely.

Again, Black Friday truly brings out the worst in people. I get that we’re all a part of the 99%, but when it comes to Black Friday, I think you’re talking about 1% of the 99%.

Occupy… UC Davis?

If you think that Occupy Wall Street protests haven’t spread, and that people haven’t heard the cries that originated here in New York, well then you are dead wrong.

Apparently protests have stretched to the opposite side of the coast, at a small university called UC Davis. The school is so obscure that I had to research what the name of it was, which is the University of California, Davis. The protests are known over there “Occupy Davis,” which, unbelievably, already has its own Wikipedia page. 

Anyway, the school recently received national attention when its “Occupy” protest went awry, in the form of police maliciously pepper-spraying protesters who were sitting passively, causing no harm, and simply exercising their first-amendment rights. Here is the footage:

It’s 8+ minutes long, but you can just watch the first couple minutes and get the gist, you ADD-riddled prats.

It’s pretty sickening, and the video can easily make you angry. I myself have never been pepper sprayed before, which is amazing given how many times I have pursued girls against their will, but I can imagine that it doesn’t feel too great.

Policemen are given weapons, like pepper spray, night sticks, and guns, but (and I would hope) that they are properly trained to use them in the correct situation. This sure wasn’t one of them.

Just a few days later, news broke that the officers who used the pepper spray were placed on leave. 

It’s just amazing to me that cops could abuse their power like this. Sure, they were probably given orders to break up the protests. However, there are many other ways to do this. As long as you don’t punch or strike, it’s okay to use a little force and attempt to lift them up. They didn’t even attempt that until post-pepper spray.

Or if it’s that big of an issue that needs to be resolved immediately, then read them their rights, and place them under arrest. Not that I would necessarily agree with that either, but it’s a much better alternative to pepper spray.

The last factor is that you can clearly see tons and tons of people standing around with their phones, cameras and iPads, obviously filming this. It’s the viral age, did you really think this would not end up on YouTube? By pushing the button on your pepper spray, you also pushed the button on your career, and I have no sympathy.

But let’s look at the grand picture here. This is yet another national story involving “Occupy” protests, the second that has happened since I made my original post a little over a month ago. Whereas I predicted that these protests would only die down and disintegrate, they have only gotten larger and garnered more media attention. It’s really a good thing because it means that people get it. They realize that there is this hierarchy of corruption that currently exists in Washington that nobody is doing anything to stop. Bush didn’t do anything, Obama hasn’t either, and now the people are taking it upon themselves. I’ve really never been more impressed with our country than I am right now.

Except that my optimism for our nation’s population will immediately dwindle when I log onto Facebook and hear everybody talking about how stressed they are about “cooking Thanksgiving dinner” this week.

I thought it was incredibly annoying when people talk about their Thanksgiving plans, but now I realized that it’s even more annoying when people go out of their way to discuss how they are cooking everything “all by themselves!”

Newsflash: your parents and the rest of your family will tell you that your food was fantastic.

But in reality, they threw up on their way home and stopped at McDonalds to get the shitty taste out of their mouths.


Oh so this is when everybody starts talking about how much they love Thanksgiving

Before I begin, I need to acknowledge the continued success of one, Taylor Swift. I wrote last night that she had just won the female country vocalist of the year, but, after I published that blog, and as the night progressed, Taylor went on to win two more awards, including country album of the year, and the big one, artist of the year.

These awards are voted on by the fans, and last year, Justin Bieber won the artist of the year, so obviously, that alone tells you that this isn’t the end-all be-all as far as awards go. However, as it is fan-voted, it shows how many people in this world Taylor Swift has connected with, and how adored she is by her fans, to continually win these awards.

Say what you want about her, but she hasn’t had one blemish on her career thus far, and really is a great role model for young girls and aspiring musicians.

Also, I heard a lot of complaining on Twitter last night about how annoyed people were becoming with Taylor’s “fake shock” face. While it certainly appeared quite a few times last night, people need to realize that she is not faking anything, and that she truly is humble and appreciative of all of her fans. Sure, she sells millions of records and wins awards, but she knows her place, and that place is just a girl playing a guitar and singing about things she knows. She doesn’t think she’s better than anybody, and that’s why it comes as such a shock to her to be bestowed with such prestigious awards. So, back the shit off, haters.

Whereas if I were to win an award, like Blogger of the Year, I would walk up to that stage with smug arrogance and act like I was better than everybody. I wouldn’t even thank my fans either, because they are nothing compared to me. Nothing.

So anyway, now that the air is cleared, let’s move on.

Just like any other Monday, everybody returned to work today. Naturally, on this day, you’re always a degree sleepier, a degree crankier, and a degree more miserable than usual. However, not on this Monday.

Because of Thanksgiving, the entire nation has a four-day week, with many even having a three-day week. Thus, this Monday was a lot more tolerable than most.

Naturally, when you talked to your friends and coworkers today, the subject will have drifted towards Thanksgiving. And naturally, you probably heard these words:

“Man, I love Thanksgiving. So much food, football, we get the day off from work, and it’s my favorite holiday of the year!”

Well guess what? We all know that already. Thanksgiving is an annual holiday that occurs every year, and nothing about it ever changes. There is turkey, football, wine, family and for some reason, the chopped liver that your grandmother always brings over. All the good things you experience, we get to experience too. Every year.

It’s not like football is only televised in your household. I see the same games you do, buddy.

I’m waiting to hear somebody tell me something completely original about how their family celebrates Thanksgiving. Something like:

“Man, I love Thanksgiving. Every year, me and family wake up at the crack of dawn and go scuba diving in shark infested water, without scuba gear. Then we go to the zoo and throw bread crumbs to the zebras, and then we travel back home by means of a potato sack race. It’s my favorite holiday!”

Then you will have my attention.

There’s really nothing to not love about Thanksgiving. There’s the aforementioned obscene amounts of food, an overdose of football, you see the cousins you have that you actually like, and then you relax for the rest of the night and watch television. In addition, you had the day off to sleep late, and consequently, you were able to go out with friends the night before and get loaded.

It’s pretty much how you wish every day could be. So saying that you like Thanksgiving is like saying that you enjoy receiving blowjobs. No. Shit.

I’m certainly not trying to be a downer, and I don’t mean to rain on anybody’s parade, but let’s try to just go one year without boring my ears off about how much you enjoy Thanksgiving. Sound good?

Also, Thanksgiving is the time when you are supposed to take time and think about what you are grateful for. What am I thankful for, you ask? Hmm, I’m grateful for my dashing good looks, my sharp wit and jovial personality, and, alright, fine, I’m grateful for the people who take a few minutes to read this blog. Just like how Taylor Swift is grateful for all of her fans.

*Shocked face*

I’ve got all the love I need

Often times, I get asked the question, commonly by friends’ parents who know me well, or by my own family members at the Thanksgiving table —

“Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

When I get asked this question, which usually catches me off guard, I become embarrassed and mumble out the same answer: “Oh, I don’t know. No reason. I just don’t.” The answer is so unsatisfactory that it probably leads people to think I’m gay.

But when this happens, I find myself having to justify why I don’t have a girlfriend, as if there is something wrong with me.

I hate being asked this question. It’s like if you’re single, people automatically assume it’s because you are physically incapable of obtaining a girlfriend. However, the real answer to this question, which I can proudly say next time I get asked this is: I don’t have a girlfriend because I don’t want one.

And don’t get me wrong. I love women, and if I happened to meet a girl tomorrow that took my breath away, then I’d be overjoyed. However, until that happens, I’m perfectly content and happy not having a girlfriend. Unless I actually have strong feelings for a girl, than I do not wish to invest myself in someone in such a capacity. Not only would I hate myself for it, but it wouldn’t be right. Just the mere thought of it makes me quiver in fear.

So, to my aunt, who I see basically once a year on Thnaksgiving, the reason I don’t have a girlfriend is because I don’t fucking want one. How’s that for an answer?

The other reason, which I will not divulge at the Thanksgiving dinner table, why I don’t have a girlfriend is because I already have all of the love I need.

I’m extremely vocal about the celebrities who I have a huge attraction towards, and who I wish to copulate with if ever given the opportunity. Two of these individuals include Taylor Swift and Anne Hathaway. I like them because not only do I think they are beautiful, but they are both extremely talented. They have earned their fame and success not just through their looks, but by their ability to master their respective crafts.

And very recently, these two fine women made me love them even more.

Being the avid Weinblog followers you all, you have undoubtedly read my blogs about Occupy Wall Street, and how I greatly support the protesters. On a side note, I also watched the Oscar-winning documentary Inside Job today, and I almost wished I hadn’t. It made me realize how corrupt and greedy our country’s financial district is, and how influential they are in our own government. But the documentary just made me support the OWS protests even more.

Well, recently, a picture surfaced on Twitter of a certain someone who occupied Wall Street. Guess who it was?

Ohhh yeah!

Anne Hathaway, although she’s as rich as hell (though still no where near the 1%) supports the 99%. I’m definitely part of the 99% that is getting dicked over by the recession, being a recent college grad who has yet to establish himself in the working field and is still repaying student loans, and I still haven’t found the motivation to join the protest.

Anne Hathaway, who has no problems financially (and is Brooklyn-born, might I add), did. And that makes her awesome. So not only is she beautiful and talented, but she also is intelligent and passionate. What else do you need?

So that increased my love for Ms. Hathaway. Ms. Taylor Swift, on the other hand, increased my love in another way.

Being a huge cat lover, I am a sucker for any pictures or videos on the Internet or Facebook that depict cats in cute and adorable poses. It warms my heart. So when I saw that Taylor Swift posted this video on her Facebook page the other day, I nearly died.

She is just absolutely awesome. And that is one lucky goddamn cat.

Speaking of Taylor, she just won an American Music Award for female country artist of the year. Nothing new here.

And speaking of the AMAs, Nicki Minaj opened the show, and she is absolutely awful. She sucks at music, and she shouldn’t be allowed to open her mouth to even speak. Doesn’t she know that she’s not British? What the hell?

If I had a button in front of me that, if I were to push it, would instantly eliminate Nicki Minaj’s presence from this earth, I wouldn’t even hesitate for a moment before pushing it. And then I would go to my local liquor store and pick up a bottle of champagne so I can celebrate my accomplishment. Nothing too expensive though, maybe a bottle for like $15. And then when I’m asked what I’m celebrating, I wouldn’t say why because it would possibly implicate myself in illegal wrongdoing and warrant a police investigation.

However, solely, I would know that I made the world a better place.

Long distance relationships



1. an emotional or other connection between people:

What is the keyword there? Connection.

Relationships are nice. You meet somebody, and you get to know them, and suddenly, one day you realize, “Hey, I’d like to be with this person more often than not.”

Than you have sex with that person and you realize that you didn’t just use each other for sexual gratification. You can actually stand being around each other, even after having sex one time. So you spend more time together and continue doing monotonous things like going to the movies, drinking together at a bar, getting dinner at a restaurant, and of course, having sex.

And then after a little while, you come to realize, “Hey I guess we’re official now.” Because at some point, after a few months, it should become obvious.

After that, you see where it goes. Hopefully you come to love each other more by the day, your relationship grows, and you possibly even form that ultimate bond by getting married and live out the rest of your lives together.

However it goes, the most important detail isn’t that you want to be around each other all of the time, it’s that you need to be around each other all of the time.

That may not be exactly how the priest/rabbi/wizard says it on your wedding day, when he/she tells the story of how you met, but, in reality, that’s how it goes.

But, wait a minute. Hold on. What happens when one of the two people have to go somewhere else for an extended period of time? Does that make the relationship — dare I say it? — a long-distance relationship? *Cue dramatic music*

Long-distance relationships are an age-old phenomenon. Everyone has an opinion on them. “Oh you can make it work,” “Oh, it’s impossible,” and “Oh. they’re so hard!” You’ve heard ’em all.

One of these days, I’m going to write an entire blog about a certain topic and not give my opinion at all. I’ll just lay out the facts, explain both sides of the argument, and then leave it at that.

But today will not be that day.

Long distance relationships most commonly occur straight out of high school. You and your girlfriend go to different schools, you say you’ll talk every day, and maybe you do, maybe you don’t, but you try to make it work.

This is normal, and a perfectly valid excuse for an L.D.E. (long distance relationship.) Nine out of ten times, it won’t work, but it”s not because of the hardships of the long distance relationship, but because you’re too young. You’re inexperienced, and when you go away to college, you’re exposed to thousands of other people. Inevitably, you’re going to meet somebody else.

If you can sustain a relationship through four years of undergrad, then God bless you. That is when you know it is truly meant to be, and I applaud you. You truly deserve each other, and I wish you a lifetime of happiness.

But then when you get into your mid-20’s, and you have full-time jobs, and you still have a long-distance relationship… well, that’s when I start to laugh.

Naturally, when you meet someone in college, and you graduate, and return to your respective hometowns, then that is when your relationship becomes long distance, at least temporarily. But that’s when you figure out how to make it work.

If, a few years later, you still live there, and she still lives somewhere else, and you have full-time jobs, then, what the hell are you doing?

If you truly say you love this person, then why in God’s name are you not with each other? If I truly cared about somebody, then all I know is that I would not allow us to live away from each other. What the hell is stopping you? A job? If a job matters more than the person you love, then your relationship never had a chance.

I mean, seriously, have you not seen that movie… what’s it called, I can’t remember. Oh yeah, it’s called… any romantic comedy ever made? A guy and a girl realize they have serious feelings for each other, however, they live two very different lifestyles, and it makes them hesitant, because they know that if they follow those paths then they will be apart.

So they pretend their feelings aren’t real, and they make plans to separate and part ways, and then at the very last second, one of them (usually the guy) realizes that he can’t live without the girl. So he drives as fast as he can to meet up with the girl before she leaves, and he tells her what he just realized: that he can not be happy in life unless he is with her, and that is all that matters. And then they kiss. And then the camera fades away and the credits roll.

But, if you, just go about your life, keep working and living 1,000 miles away from the girl “you love,” and are completely content seeing each other possibly once a month, well, then, congratulations, I guess? That sounds like a pretty shitty life to me.

But hey, you can always write on each other’s Facebook wall! Nothing screams romantic like that!

Justin Bieber came so close to earning my respect

I was perusing IMDB today, trying to get the latest movie buzz, when a featured article caught my eye. Which, I guess, is the whole point of it being featured. Anyway, the headline of the article was this:

“Justin Bieber’s Paternity Suit Dropped: Report.”

My initial reaction was, “Wait, hold on. Justin Bieber was involved in a paternity suit? When the hell did this happen?

So I kept reading.

The suit, which alleged that the pop superstar fathered a child with 20-year-old fan Mariah Yeater, was dismissed last week, says Her lawyers reportedly withdrew from the case following a call from Bieber’s lawyer, Howard Weitzman, threatening legal action.

A statement from Matthew Hiltzik, spokesman for Justin Bieber, was issued on Wednesday, echoing a previous statement. The new message said, “As we’ve said from the beginning, it’s sad that someone would fabricate such a malicious, defamatory and demonstrably false claim.

It’s a shame that I am only hearing about this story now, when the case is actually being dropped. Had I read a story earlier that revolved around the possibility that Bieber knocked up a fan three years his senior, my reaction would have been something along the lines of, “Niiiiiiice. Justin Bieber is the man!”

Unfortunately, however, I first learned of this “news” in the same article where we discover that it is untrue. I didn’t even have time to formulate opinion in my head about Bieber.

Also, why would you deny it? Even if it is untrue, which it apparently is, what bad comes of it?

Bieber, who is this Matthew Hiltzik that is doing all of your talking? Whoever he is, he sucks at his job. If I was your P.R. person, I would have told you this: The females of the world adore you. At least the ones that are still teenagers. The men, however, and I am speaking out of my own personal mindset as well, think you are an absolute pansy who lacks talent, has no game and deserve to be bitten by a mosquito in that awkward spot in the back of your foot where it hurts even more when you scratch it, and every time you walk, the skin is just rubbing together and making the bite even worse.

However, if the men of the world knew you knocked some girl, then you’d be the freaking boss.

Therefore, instead of issuing this defensive statement about how this girl fabricated a “malicious, defamatory claim” (congratulations Mr. Hiltzik, you know how to use a thesaurus!), I would have said this:

“Regarding the claims by Mariah Yeater, that Justin Bieber both slept with, and subsequently fathered a child with her, well, you bet your ass it’s true. Justin Bieber slayed that piece, and then he kicked her out of his bed so that he could get a full night’s sleep. He didn’t even give her a ride home, even though he has 19 personal drivers. And why not? Because he is Justin effing Bieber, that’s why.”

Do you have any idea how much street cred Justin Bieber would have earned had that been how this situation ended? What a golden opportunity.

Bieber came so close (I’m holding my thumb and my index finger together right now to indicate how close I mean, even though nobody is around me to see it, unless you count the tropical fish in the fish tank on my desk) to earning my — and the men from all over the world’s — respect. But now he’ll never have it. Talk a bout a P.R. disaster!

Oh, and as an avid blogger, a frequent Facebook status updater, a Youtube watcher and an illegal movie pirater, I feel that it is my moral obligation to notify you all of this:

What is it? It’s a petition to prevent the passage of the Protect IP act, which is a bill that would essentially ruin the Internet. It will give the government the power to sue and arrest individuals who download or distribute movies, songs or TV shows online, and would also put enormous restrictions on social networking sites, such as Youtube or Facebook. If you wish to become more educated on how this could affect you, watch this brief four-minute video here.

I discussed yesterday about what I thought was an act of tyranny and hypocrisy by the New York state government by enforcing the Occupy Wall Street protestors to leave their headquarters at Zuchotti Park, but this just takes the cake.

If this is truly passed, and giant restrictions are put on Internet usage, well, we might as well be living in communist China right now. I will be ashamed of our federal government if this happens. You see movies like V for Vendetta, and you say, “Haha, that was crazy, but our government will never get like that!” However, acts like can certainly be interpreted as a step towards that direction, can’t they?

And it’s all just to benefit the entertainment industry, like movie and record companies. Screw that. They make more than enough money.

So take a few seconds of your day to fill out that petition. I don’t know what the hell it’ll accomplish, but at least it’s something.

Otherwise, if it’s passed, how else will Justin Bieber be able to sell records to pay for his bastard children he’s conceiving all over the world?

Why am I still able to run outside in shorts and a t-shirt?

I stepped outside my front door this morning, and for a second, I thought it was July. It was absolutely beautiful out. The sun was shining, there was a  crisp breeze in their air, and I felt perfectly comfortable in my short-sleeved shirt.

And then I remembered it was mid-November.

So my thoughts shifted to, “Wow, this is nice and all, and I’m certainly not complaining about the weather, but, isn’t this wrong? Shouldn’t it be cold out?”

The fact that it still warm out concerns me a little bit because if it is so nice out now, it only means that winter is going to extend late into March and April, which will suck. I’d prefer to knock the cold weather out now, during the holiday season when it’s supposed to be cold, and have an actual spring during March and April.

And I’m not going to start talking about global warming and actually pretend that I know what I am talking about. Because let’s face it, none of us actually know shit when it comes to global warming. We are not scientists. Saying, “global warming means it’s getting warmer” does not make us experts on the subject.

What I do know, however, is that something is definitely up with the weather. Call it global warming, call it divine intervention, I don’t care, but something is wrong, and somebody who is a lot smart than me will probably come up with a scientific explanation somewhere down the road. And whoever he is, he probably won’t get laid along the way. But I shouldn’t be talking because I probably won’t either.

And bear in mind hat we had a blizzard just a couple of weeks ago. A one-day blizzard. Did we already forget about that?

Alright, enough about the weather. There’s no point in complaining about something that I have absolutely no control of whatsoever. if I was Storm from X-Men, then my opinion would matter more. But it has yet to be proven that I contain any super-normal powers, let alone weather-altering powers.

So did anybody catch the Jerry Sandusky interview on NBC last night?

All I have to say is, who in the hell is Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer? Whoever he is, he sucks for two reasons. One being that he is a piece of scum for actually defending such an individual, and secondly, for allowing Sandusky to not only speak in public (where anything he says can be used against him in the court of law), but to actually speak live on television.

I don’t know if they thought it would be a strategic move to make him appear more human and thus as a more sympathetic figure, but, if anything, the way Sandusky sounded only made me confirm in mind the type of person who I thought he was.

He sounded eerie and creepy, and the interview was completely awkward and uncomfortable.

First of all, as Deadspin pointed out (and you can watch the interview at this link if you missed it), Sandusky took approximately 16.3 seconds to respond to the question, “Are you sexually attracted to young boys?”

Hey Jerry, if you maintain your innocence, then a simple “no” will do. Starting the sentence with “I enjoy young people” is not going to help anything in any way, shape or form, you stupid idiot.

Additionally, Sandusky admitted that he “horsed around” with young people in the shower, and at the same time, practically sealed his own prison sentence. You really can’t make this shit up.

If this Sandusky situation has taught me anything, it is this:

There are bad people in this world, and then there are monsters. I’ve been mad at people before because they have done things that have hurt my feelings, or because at times, they don’t act like a friend when I wanted them to. However, even though they may have done those things, they didn’t rape little boys in the ass. So, yeah.

And finally, the last bit of news for the day, is that New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg finally took his first major course of action to deter “Occupy Wall Street” protesters, enforcing the NYPD to remove them — and in some occasions, forcefully — from their headquarters in Zuccoti Park, citing that “health and safety conditions became intolerable” in the park.

I’m not too sure how I feel about this. Bloomberg and Obama, among other politicians, have all along been expressing that it is the people’s innate right, as citizens of this country, to protest. And it is. So why intervene? There was no violence, no pyrotechnics, no blatant acts of vandalism, and no crime in any way. Just angry people.

Granted, Bloomberg allowed them to return once the park was cleaned, however he did have all of their tents, belongings and tarps removed. Also, he gave absolutely no notice for this surprise raid.

Using the excuse that “the park needed to be cleaned up” seems like a bit og a crutch to me, and if anything, the whole situation just seems tyrannical and hypocritical.

Although the protests never really had a chance to begin with — because most of the country remains so indifferent — they did have legitimate reason to be angry, and now, it’s squashed because the government couldn’t handle it.

But hey, you’ve got to keep those parks clean, I guess.