2011: not so bad

2011 will be over in three days. In those three days, you will hear precisely seven people say, “I can’t believe 2011 is ending! It feels like it just started!” It did just start. Twelve months ago.

2012 will commence, and then you’ll hear a whole bunch of annoying people beginning to discuss how the apocalypse is coming, and that 2012 is the final year of the human race. While I will give conspiracy theorists and doomsday fans credit that the completion of the Mayan calendar is a little bit more convincing than a senile radio host predicting the end of the world, I will also take this moment to dispel any notion that the end is near.

Any prediction you have heard, and will hear, is bullshit. The world is not ending. It will continue, for years, and decades, centuries and millenniums, and you will all be miserable. There.

When I write my first blog, sometime in the first few days of 2012, it will mark the fourth different year that I have blogged in. I began this ill-advised endeavor on December 18, 2009, and I have not looked back since. Blogging has officially become part of my day. The new inevitabilities of my life are death, taxes and the Weinblog. They are all equally disappointing.

As you all know, I really started this blog just for fun and to appeal to people who already know who I am and what my sense of humor is like. I’m not really catering to people who don’t know me, and I just assume that if you keep reading, you will latch on to my particular sense of humor.

That being said, I always find it funny when I get a random comment from someone who tries to insult me. Freedom of speech may exist, but not here. I used to think that the best way to go about the harsh comments was to simply “trash” them, but I realized yesterday that I can actually edit comments.

Therefore, if you say something nasty to me, not only I will I edit your comment, but I will make it say the exact opposite of what you said, and then I will approve it. And there’s nothing that anybody can do about it. I’ve already started, and I can think of any other way to combat the dumb idiots who actually take time out of their day to respond to my blogs in a rude way. They’re rare, but they do happen. I also hope you all die.

So, anyway, 2011. Not so bad.

2009 was a shitshow at times, 2010 was half good and half bad, but 2011 was pretty consistently good. Not too many bad things happened, with the exception of last week. I know that monotony is not always the best of things, but it is tolerable when you actually enjoy the things that you do on a day-to-day basis. Do I hope to shake things up sometime down the road? Definitely. But not now.

Therefore, I declare 2011 a success. It was stable. Nothing overly exciting happened in my life, but nothing overly bad, either.

Oh, and another thing, On Christmas, I got a new kitten!

His name is Marbles, he is 10 weeks old, he is adorable and I love him. So that made my Christmas pretty splendid.

And now New Years is upon us. Ah, the most overrated holiday of the year. The year where everyone has to go out, try to plan things, and inevitably tell their friends about some special deal that they discovered – “Yo guys, this bar in [awful city] called [awful bar] is having special [awful deal] during New Years! We have to do it!”

Guess what? 100 other people thought the same thing. Your night is going to suck.

I am playing the holiday smart. I am going upstate with friends, and laying low, and getting drunk in the middle of nowhere with people who I actually like. That’s all I need: My friends, alcohol, warmth and Ryan Seacrest telling me how close we are to New Years.

Speaking of which, I never can get enough of how awkward it becomes upon the final minutes of New Years. The entire time, I’m just thinking, “Let’s get this shit over with, so I can move on with my freaking life.”

Or more specifically I am thinking…

11:55: Okay, five minutes away. Is it an awkward time to go to the bathroom? I could probably make it back with a few minutes to spare, right? Eh, screw it. I can wait five minutes. Wow, is that Jordin Sparks on TV right now? When the hell did she get so hot? What season of American Idol did she win again? Was it season seven? And what the hell happened to Taylor Hicks?

11:56: Damn it, I’m at that awkward part of the beer where there’s a tiny bit left, but it’s a little warm so I don’t want to drink it, but there’s enough left that I don’t want to waste it. Oh God. I hate this situation. Would this qualify as white people problems? I’ll just close my eyes and chug it down. Okay here it goes. Man, that was nasty. But at least I can get a beer now. Oh great, here’s that douchebag that comes around every year trying to get people to drink champagne at midnight…

11:57: I really should have went to the bathroom. My bladder seriously sucks now. When you get to the age where you wake up at least once a night to pee, you know you’re in trouble. It’s all downhill from there. Wait, isn’t that a song? It’s all downhill from there? Oh no, that’s “All Downhill From Here” by New found Glory. Plus I think the song is called something different. Catalyst, I think? Sounds right. I miss 90s music.

11:58: Oh wow, only two minutes left. This is getting real! Then we can all celebrate and join hands and sing “Auld Lang Syne” together. What the hell is that song actually about, anyway? Man, I really have to pee. I wonder if I can make a quick run and be back before New years. That would be pretty embarrassing though, to tell people I spent New Years in a bathroom. Unless I was getting laid at the time. That would be a great story. Man, I want to fuck Jordin Sparks.

11:59: Oh God, one minute away! People are counting now. Counting down from 60? Really? Seriously, this is happening? Oh man, all of the couples are starting to hold hands now, this is sickening. I have to pretend like I don’t notice. So I’ll just stare at the TV like a jackass and pretend like I actually give a crap about this countdown right now. Okay, 30 seconds away. The ball is dropping. That’s what she said. Haha, good one. 15 seconds. I wonder if James Cameron is actually working on Avatar 2 at this moment? I hope so. Five seconds, so close! Four seconds, three, two, one…

12:00 KHFCKEWU8OFL4398!2~@@YGBMS#4!KJHJKDE OH MY GOD!!! IT’S THE NEW YEAR!!!

12:01: Okay, are we done now? Can I go pee?

And that is how the New Year happens.

Alright everyone. Be safe, have fun, and try not to spend too much money on some shitty deal that your friend found online. I will be out of town for the next few days, and will return in the new year, where I will continue, as always, to spit the truth.

It’s all I know.

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I love girls. Just not individual girls.

I hope everyone out there had a truly wonderful and relaxing Christmas. I hope you got a lot of presents. I hope you had fun.

Okay, is that out of the way now? Are we good?

It’s funny, Christmas is pretty universally — and I suppose Thanksgiving is the same too — a day where everybody is nice to each other. Therefore, it is pretty impossible to have a shitty Christmas. Maybe unless you recently got a divorce, or your entire family died on Christmas many years ago, or something. Then I could see how you can have a shitty Christmas.

But every time I asked somebody today whether they had a nice Christmas, every single person gave me the most cheerful explanation as to why their Christmas was so great. It almost got redundant enough to the point where I was hoping that at least one person could have told me that they had a terrible Christmas. It would have been a nice change. Unfortunately, though, it did not happen.

Me? My Christmas was delightful. I relaxed, barely moved, got some cool gifts, and even got a new kitten. I’ll talk about it more tomorrow. I plan to write a “2011 in review” blog to wrap up the year. And not in review of the world, but a review of me. Who gives a shit about the world?

Anyway last night, while I was lying in bed, a blog topic hit me. That happens sometimes. However, nine out of ten times, I forget them overnight. I’m not going to jump out of bed just to write down a freaking blog topic. It’s not that important. But this one stuck with me.

I often discuss how much it bothers me when people assume that I don’t have a girlfriend because I am incapable of getting one. Sometimes you get lumped together with other single people — who, in turn, are actually incapable of getting girlfriends. They give us a bad name.

However, not to be narcissistic (but I will be anyway), I know I am fine-looking, I know I have a good personality, and I know that I am a catch. Any girl would be lucky to have me.

So then, I wondered to myself, if that’s the case, and if all the girls out there would willingly throw themselves at you if given the opportunity, why haven’t you found someone who you actually like?

But then it hit me. My TV remote fell off the ledge and hit me in the head.

No I am kidding. I meant it hit me, mentally.

I love girls. I love everything about them. I love the way they look, I love the way they talk, the way they act, and the way they represent themselves. I am in awe of God’s creation of the female. I could not have more respect for women. Fuck, I think even get along better with girls than I do with guys in many regards.

However, what I realized, is that when it comes down to it, when it comes to finding one girl who I could be with for an extended period of time, it becomes a problem. Because while I like girls, I do not like individual girls.

I love the idea of girls, and I love to look at them, but then when you actually get to meet individual girls, and learn about them, you realize that you don’t like them so much.

This isn’t the case for everyone, of course. I have plenty of girls who are friends. However, any time I let a girl get close to me, I find some overlying flaw that completely turns me off.

And in the rare occasion where I think with my dick, and not my brain, and actually make myself believe that I truly like a girl, it turns into an absolute trainwreck. I choose someone who could not be more wrong for me, and it completely deteriorates my faith in the female gender.

Again, I know I am generalizing, but I can only vouch for what I know. And this is what I know.

Plus, it’s probably my own fault more than anybody else’s.

Girls are awesome. I hope they rule the world one day. But, actually sitting down with one of them, trying to get to know them, and starting a relationship with one? Nightmare.

Twas the Night Before Christmas (Global Warming Edition)

Okay, I lied when I said I wouldn’t blog again before Christmas. I was bored at work yesterday, and I decided to rewrite the classic poem Twas the Night Before Christmas” to apply to today’s currenl climate.

Enjoy.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was cold, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with ease,
The windows wide open to let in a breeze.

The children attempted to nestle snugly in their beds,
But couldn’t unless they held ice packs on their heads.
For global warming was upon us, no snow was in sight,
Oh the things we would not do for a bit of frost bite.

When out on the lawn – there arose such a clatter!
Hopefully a blizzard delivering white matter!
Away to the window I went in a glide,
Praying to God that the heat would subside.

The moon, it lit up my front lawn like a screen,
I blinked twice, hoping to see a shade of white, not green.
But what I see is not snow, to my heart’s dismay,
But fuckin’ Santa Claus and his goddamn sleigh.

Not an ounce of winter blast, not even a lick,
Instead I was stuck with jolly old St. Nick.
My eyes scanned for his reindeer – but then a realization!
They all had dropped dead from mass dehydration.

Unprepared for the warm, but Santa did not care,
Depriving them water as they flew threw the air.
To know the temperature’s changing, Santa, you needn’t be a sleuth,
Did you not watch Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth?”

Although Gatorade will claim it’s better equipped,
More so than water to give your energy a lift.
But our dear Kris Kringle ignored all the facts,
He lumbered on forward with a sack on his back.

And now he is here, in front of my dwelling,
His gifts I don’t want unless they are heat repelling.
A fan, an air conditioner, or new refrigerator,
A klondike bar, a popsicle, a cool incubator.

But what does he bring me? A gift card? Some mittens?
God damn it Santa Claus – leave my house, good riddance!
For this is no longer Christmas of years before,
Mittens may have sufficed back in 2004.

But polar shifts and climate changes have forever changed December.
It’s no longer the Christmastime we all long remember!
Go back to the North Pole, but beware — when you touch ground,
The ice will have melted and your elves will have drowned.

Oh maybe I’m harsh — It’s not all Santa’s fault,
Science is to blame; ocean currents, lack of salt.
I’d rather have not known and lived on in bliss,
And then maybe, just maybe, I’d have enjoyed Christmas.

So hand me your gifts, I’ll accept them all the same,
If it’s a new winter jacket, you cannot be blamed.
Maybe, in the future, cold shall return to this place.
And then I could make use of this brand new North Face.

In the meantime, Santa, spread your holiday cheer!
And find a replacement for your recently departed deer.
Christmas is changing, but you should not fear it,
We still need you to spread the holiday spirit!

And with those inspiring words, Santa gave out a whistle,
Hopped in his sleigh and departed like a missile.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a cold night!”

It’s a global warming Christmas miracle!

Well folks, Christmas is just three days away. The Christmas lights are glistening, the presents are tucked away under the Christmas tree, the cocoa is being poured, the gingerbread cookies are sizzling in the oven, and the hot sun is blasting its warm heat down upon all of us.

Wait, is that last part supposed to happen?

Everyone (and yes, I mean everyone) keeps pointing out to me, “Hey, it’s December, and it’s still not cold yet!” And my reply is always the same: “Eh, I’m sure by Christmas time it will be freezing again. Don’t worry.”

But then, today I realized, I don’t think we should be excepting a rapid temperature change in just three days’ time. It’s going to be a warm Christmas whether we like it or not.

I swear, I think I have heard at least 17 times this winter, “Tomorrow is going to be the last warm day of the year. Then it’s going to be cold for good.”

It’s so hot out, that Santa Claus is going to have to ditch his cloak and wear a red and white wife beater when he delivers his presents this year.

Say what you want about snow, but I think it is completely un-American to not wish for a white Christmas. It just has to be. It’s not Christmas without a thick layer of white powder blanketing my front lawn. I’m so desperate that I may contact my local drug dealer and purchase his entire supply of crack cocaine, just so I could pour it all around my house on Christmas day so that it at least feels like Christmas.

Today I was actually hot when I was outside. Not cool, not lukewarm, not comfortable —hot.

And to be honest, I don’t like using the phrase “global warming.” It’s one of the most overused terms that we see on Facebook now. Because in reality, nobody knows what the heck global warming is and how it is actually affecting us. We are not scientists.

But, God damn, it’s so hot that Santa’s reindeer are actually to die of dehydration during their travels this Christmas.

It’s so hot that the Winter Classic ice hockey game between the New York Rangers and the Philadelphia Flyers on New Years day is going to turn into a Winter Classic water polo game.

It’s so hot that people will be leaving chilled lemonade in their living room for Santa instead of milk and cookies.

It’s so hot that people are going to be sitting under their Christmas tree just to get in the shade.

It’s so hot that this year, instead of the yule log, CBS is going to be playing still footage of an iceberg.

I really could go all day with these.

However, I suppose that the true spirit of Christmas lies in spending time with family and enjoying life, regardless of what the temperature outside is. All that matters is that you are together, with your loved ones, sitting in your pajamas and opening presents.

Well, fuck that. I want snow, and I want it now.

In fact, you know how Mel Gibson has himself cryogenically frozen in the movie “Forever Young” so that he doesn’t have to watch his girlfriend die from a coma? I want to have myself cryogenically frozen on Christmas Eve, and not be awoken until snow begins falling again. Would that be a spontaneous, foolish overreaction? Absolutely. But it’s what has entered my mind, so I fully expect to go through with it. Once I invent a cryonic chamber, of course. Does… anybody… know the first thing about going about that? No? Well, that is what Google is for.

In all seriousness, this may be the last post I make before Christmas, so if it is, have a very merry jolly good time on Sunday, everyone. I hope that, like me, when you went Christmas shopping this week, you found yourself only buying things for yourself, and nobody else.

That’s what Christmas is truly about.

Is there a non-gay way to eat a candy cane?

Disclaimer: if you have been reading this blog from the beginning, and you actually still come to the conclusion that I may be homophobic in any way, shape or form, then I don’t know what to tell you. You’ve missed the point.

The only purpose that the start of Hanukkah actually serves is that it reminds me that Christmas is right around the corner. I’ve previously explained how much I enjoy the customs that come with Christmas; the movies, TV shows, music, food, etc.

One thing you can expect for certain during this time, is that people will post their crappy little Christmas cupcakes that they made themselves on Facebook. Congrats, bro, you placed dough in an oven and then put red and green icing on top! You’re Julia motherfuckin’ Childs!

However, one non-homemade Christmas treat that I do highly enjoy, and I think it’s safe to say that this is universally agreed upon, is a nice old-fashioned candy cane.

Come on, don’t deny it. Whenever you witnessed your own or somebody else’s Christmas tree, and saw candy canes draped all over them, you just wanted to rip one of those bad boys off and devour them. Who doesn’t? You’d be weird if you didn’t.

What’s not to like about candy canes?

Candy? Yup.

Sweet? Yup.

Peppermint? Yup!

However, there is one fundamental problem that the heterosexual male encounters when he chooses to divulge in a tasty candy cane.

How in the living hell do you eat a candy cane without making the most homosexual gestures, movements and appearance? Because come on, if you don’t see the phallic undertones that lie within the geometric composition of a candy cane, then you’re flat-out in denial.

Editor’s note: Every sentence from here on out can be appropriately followed with “That’s what she said.”

You can’t just suck on it slowly. You can’t purse your lips and let the candy cane slide over your tongue. You can’t go “mmhmm” and “ahhh” while you are serenely slipping the candy cane around the outermost crevasses of your oral cavity.

So what can you do? Well, luckily for you like, like always, I have some solutions.

The most manly thing you can probably do is break it in half. That is certainly one way to go about it. That gives you the circular end and the straight end. What I used to do, as a kid, is put the circular end around the inside of my mouth as if it’s a mouthpiece. I always thought it was cool. And then you can just let it sit there, and when you’re done, move on to the next piece. It’s small at this point, and it’s like you’re eating any type of candy. Gayness averted.

The other option is to keep the candy cane intact, and put it in your mouth circular side-first. But instead of actually sucking on it, you just let it sit. Being inside your mouth, it’s naturally going to dissolve on its own. No sucking is required. This way, the straight part just sticks out of your mouth like a toothpick. And as all of us men know, there is nothing more masculine than standing around with a toothpick in your mouth, while carrying a facial expression that says, “Damn right, I have a toothpick in my mouth. And I don’t even need a toothpick, my teeth are clean, bitch! I’m just that bad-ass.”

If you choose that route, then not only are you steering clear from any homosexual conduct, but you are actually making yourself look kind of cool. As cool as you can while eating a candy cane, at least.

And that, my friends, is the 101 on how to eat a candy cane without looking like Adam Lambert. You are most certainly welcome.

Oh, Hanukkah started?

Okay, I really do feel a lot better today. Whenever somebody asked, texted or Facebook messaged me to see if I was okay, I mostly downplayed my sadness and shrugged it all off. It’s a lot easier to say “Thanks, I’ll be alright,” then saying “I am insanely depressed, just want to go in a hole and cry, and never come out again.”

However, each person that approached me with their concern played a huge part in my recovery. Not that I am fully back to normal, and I will certainly never be the same with Pebbles gone, but I am back to feeling like my old self, at the very least. So thanks everyone.

So moving on from all that crap, let’s review what happened in the world while I was in my depressed stupor.

For one, Kim Jong-il died. Let’s be honest here. The main reason we all know about Kim Jong-Il is because of “Team America: World Police” (Fuck yeah!) Man, who knew puppets could have such an impact?

I’m not going to pretend that I know a lot about North Korea. But I do know that it is one of the most uncivilized, poor, decrepit and shittiest places in the world, thanks to the aforementioned Mr. Jong-Il.

Amazingly, everyone in North Korea loves him too, and mourned his death. I really don’t know how that’s possible.

I know that they spend every cent they have on their military, and as a result, poor South Korea has to spend every waking second of its existence keeping an eye out on North Korea. It’s like if you were bunking rooms with an actual tiger. You can’t actually go to sleep at night, because you know that if you do, the tiger will freaking maul you to death. That’s how South Korea has been… always.

I remember in World History class in high school, my teacher showed us a satellite photo of North Korea and South Korea. While South Korea is alit, since they are a normal civilization, North Korea is completely dark because they don’t even have electricity. That’s how little they have evolved. Let me see if I can find it via a Google search. Whatever picture I find, I will not give any credit to the original photographer.

There ya go.

So it’s easy to be happy over Kim Jong-Il’s death, or at the very least, indifferent, but I highly doubt anything will change over there. I believe he already trained his son to take over and keep running things the same way.

In a related story, Hanukkah apparently began today.

Jesus Christ, this holiday. I mean no offense to Jews, especially since I am half of one myself, but how little attention does this holiday get? I only know that it is Hanukkah because a couple of people posted about it on Facebook.

First of all, the date of Hanukkah changes every year. Second of all, everyone spells it a different way. There’s Hanukkah, Chanukah, Channukah, Hannukah, etc. I really don’t even know which one is correct. Maybe I’ll just call it Honica. Like Monica Gellar from Friends, but different. Who, on a side note, was also Jewish. She’s also not real.

Even my Jewish friends don’t even care about the holiday. Or they just celebrate it for one night, and not eight or nine, or whatever the hell it is.

I feel like, every year, Hanukkah becomes less and less relevant in comparison to Christmas. In fact, I firmly believe that in 20 years, Hanukkah won’t even exist anymore. Jews still will, of course. We’re like cockroaches, we just aren’t going away. Bear in mind that I am not actually calling Jews cockroaches. I would be offending myself.

People start counting down to Christmas like three months in advance. People don’t even count down to Hanukkah on the day of Hanukkah. I just feel really bad for the holiday.

However, I suppose Hanukkah gives us a fun excuse to use words that we normally wouldn’t use during any time of the year, like “dreidel,” or “menorah,” or “latke.” I will give them that, because those are fun words to say.

Regardless, Happy Hanukkah, or Channukah, or Honica, you lovable Jewish folk.

True colors

It is the time in your life when you are at your most vulnerable point, and therefore depend the most on others, when you discover the true nature of people.

People are who they are. They’ve been one way since they were born and there’s really no changing it. However, it is during times of need when you really learn of it.

It’s both a good thing a bad thing.

I say this for a few reasons. For one, it’s a bad thing because it totally changes how you have always viewed that person. While they may have always been that way, the truth is that they may not have always been that way in your eyes.

I always preach that you need to look for the good in people. It’s not healthy to go around disliking people, and you’ll be much better off if you focus on the good qualities and appreciate them for it. I will always stand by that philosophy.

However, it’s also dangerous, because it can give you a misleading perception of somebody. If you try to focus on the good, then sometimes you ignore or disregard the bad. You almost block in out in your mind, and you continue to give that person the benefit of the doubt even though they may not deserve it.

Now I say it could also be a good thing when you witness somebody’s true colors, because finally, once and for all, you know. No matter how many chances and how many opportunities you give somebody, there are some things that there are absolutely just no coming back from. And unfortunately, it almost takes these extremes to come to that realization. It hurts, no question about it, but at least you know.

When you care about somebody, you want so badly to believe that they are good. You see them not as they are, but how you want them to be. Also, when you care about somebody, you want to be there for them, and conversely, you assume that they will always be there for you. It happens to all of us. We believe what we want to believe, and no matter how old you are, when this occurs, we become as naive as a small child.

And when the shit finally hits the fan, then the blinders, which have been there from day one, are finally lifted, and for the first time, you can see clearly. It’s like a cathartic experience, and you wonder why it took you so long to finally get it. But you get it now.

And that’s why it’s a good thing. Because you can finally move on in your life and realize who the people are who will really be there for you if you need them. And when it happens, you can’t really be bitter about it, because you are just as much to blame. You formed this false perception, and you kept on believing it. That’s your fault and no one else’s.

Again, it all just really makes you take a step back and appreciate your real friends. Although we never wish to experience heartbreak, or tragedy, or any type of sadness, it’s good to know that when it does happen, you will have people who will be there for you. That is what really matters.

Life can be bittersweet sometimes, can’t it? I hope I feel better tomorrow, and can blog about something more happy.