Disclaimer: if you have been reading this blog from the beginning, and you actually still come to the conclusion that I may be homophobic in any way, shape or form, then I don’t know what to tell you. You’ve missed the point.
The only purpose that the start of Hanukkah actually serves is that it reminds me that Christmas is right around the corner. I’ve previously explained how much I enjoy the customs that come with Christmas; the movies, TV shows, music, food, etc.
One thing you can expect for certain during this time, is that people will post their crappy little Christmas cupcakes that they made themselves on Facebook. Congrats, bro, you placed dough in an oven and then put red and green icing on top! You’re Julia motherfuckin’ Childs!
However, one non-homemade Christmas treat that I do highly enjoy, and I think it’s safe to say that this is universally agreed upon, is a nice old-fashioned candy cane.
Come on, don’t deny it. Whenever you witnessed your own or somebody else’s Christmas tree, and saw candy canes draped all over them, you just wanted to rip one of those bad boys off and devour them. Who doesn’t? You’d be weird if you didn’t.
What’s not to like about candy canes?
However, there is one fundamental problem that the heterosexual male encounters when he chooses to divulge in a tasty candy cane.
How in the living hell do you eat a candy cane without making the most homosexual gestures, movements and appearance? Because come on, if you don’t see the phallic undertones that lie within the geometric composition of a candy cane, then you’re flat-out in denial.
Editor’s note: Every sentence from here on out can be appropriately followed with “That’s what she said.”
You can’t just suck on it slowly. You can’t purse your lips and let the candy cane slide over your tongue. You can’t go “mmhmm” and “ahhh” while you are serenely slipping the candy cane around the outermost crevasses of your oral cavity.
So what can you do? Well, luckily for you like, like always, I have some solutions.
The most manly thing you can probably do is break it in half. That is certainly one way to go about it. That gives you the circular end and the straight end. What I used to do, as a kid, is put the circular end around the inside of my mouth as if it’s a mouthpiece. I always thought it was cool. And then you can just let it sit there, and when you’re done, move on to the next piece. It’s small at this point, and it’s like you’re eating any type of candy. Gayness averted.
The other option is to keep the candy cane intact, and put it in your mouth circular side-first. But instead of actually sucking on it, you just let it sit. Being inside your mouth, it’s naturally going to dissolve on its own. No sucking is required. This way, the straight part just sticks out of your mouth like a toothpick. And as all of us men know, there is nothing more masculine than standing around with a toothpick in your mouth, while carrying a facial expression that says, “Damn right, I have a toothpick in my mouth. And I don’t even need a toothpick, my teeth are clean, bitch! I’m just that bad-ass.”
If you choose that route, then not only are you steering clear from any homosexual conduct, but you are actually making yourself look kind of cool. As cool as you can while eating a candy cane, at least.
And that, my friends, is the 101 on how to eat a candy cane without looking like Adam Lambert. You are most certainly welcome.