2011: not so bad

2011 will be over in three days. In those three days, you will hear precisely seven people say, “I can’t believe 2011 is ending! It feels like it just started!” It did just start. Twelve months ago.

2012 will commence, and then you’ll hear a whole bunch of annoying people beginning to discuss how the apocalypse is coming, and that 2012 is the final year of the human race. While I will give conspiracy theorists and doomsday fans credit that the completion of the Mayan calendar is a little bit more convincing than a senile radio host predicting the end of the world, I will also take this moment to dispel any notion that the end is near.

Any prediction you have heard, and will hear, is bullshit. The world is not ending. It will continue, for years, and decades, centuries and millenniums, and you will all be miserable. There.

When I write my first blog, sometime in the first few days of 2012, it will mark the fourth different year that I have blogged in. I began this ill-advised endeavor on December 18, 2009, and I have not looked back since. Blogging has officially become part of my day. The new inevitabilities of my life are death, taxes and the Weinblog. They are all equally disappointing.

As you all know, I really started this blog just for fun and to appeal to people who already know who I am and what my sense of humor is like. I’m not really catering to people who don’t know me, and I just assume that if you keep reading, you will latch on to my particular sense of humor.

That being said, I always find it funny when I get a random comment from someone who tries to insult me. Freedom of speech may exist, but not here. I used to think that the best way to go about the harsh comments was to simply “trash” them, but I realized yesterday that I can actually edit comments.

Therefore, if you say something nasty to me, not only I will I edit your comment, but I will make it say the exact opposite of what you said, and then I will approve it. And there’s nothing that anybody can do about it. I’ve already started, and I can think of any other way to combat the dumb idiots who actually take time out of their day to respond to my blogs in a rude way. They’re rare, but they do happen. I also hope you all die.

So, anyway, 2011. Not so bad.

2009 was a shitshow at times, 2010 was half good and half bad, but 2011 was pretty consistently good. Not too many bad things happened, with the exception of last week. I know that monotony is not always the best of things, but it is tolerable when you actually enjoy the things that you do on a day-to-day basis. Do I hope to shake things up sometime down the road? Definitely. But not now.

Therefore, I declare 2011 a success. It was stable. Nothing overly exciting happened in my life, but nothing overly bad, either.

Oh, and another thing, On Christmas, I got a new kitten!

His name is Marbles, he is 10 weeks old, he is adorable and I love him. So that made my Christmas pretty splendid.

And now New Years is upon us. Ah, the most overrated holiday of the year. The year where everyone has to go out, try to plan things, and inevitably tell their friends about some special deal that they discovered – “Yo guys, this bar in [awful city] called [awful bar] is having special [awful deal] during New Years! We have to do it!”

Guess what? 100 other people thought the same thing. Your night is going to suck.

I am playing the holiday smart. I am going upstate with friends, and laying low, and getting drunk in the middle of nowhere with people who I actually like. That’s all I need: My friends, alcohol, warmth and Ryan Seacrest telling me how close we are to New Years.

Speaking of which, I never can get enough of how awkward it becomes upon the final minutes of New Years. The entire time, I’m just thinking, “Let’s get this shit over with, so I can move on with my freaking life.”

Or more specifically I am thinking…

11:55: Okay, five minutes away. Is it an awkward time to go to the bathroom? I could probably make it back with a few minutes to spare, right? Eh, screw it. I can wait five minutes. Wow, is that Jordin Sparks on TV right now? When the hell did she get so hot? What season of American Idol did she win again? Was it season seven? And what the hell happened to Taylor Hicks?

11:56: Damn it, I’m at that awkward part of the beer where there’s a tiny bit left, but it’s a little warm so I don’t want to drink it, but there’s enough left that I don’t want to waste it. Oh God. I hate this situation. Would this qualify as white people problems? I’ll just close my eyes and chug it down. Okay here it goes. Man, that was nasty. But at least I can get a beer now. Oh great, here’s that douchebag that comes around every year trying to get people to drink champagne at midnight…

11:57: I really should have went to the bathroom. My bladder seriously sucks now. When you get to the age where you wake up at least once a night to pee, you know you’re in trouble. It’s all downhill from there. Wait, isn’t that a song? It’s all downhill from there? Oh no, that’s “All Downhill From Here” by New found Glory. Plus I think the song is called something different. Catalyst, I think? Sounds right. I miss 90s music.

11:58: Oh wow, only two minutes left. This is getting real! Then we can all celebrate and join hands and sing “Auld Lang Syne” together. What the hell is that song actually about, anyway? Man, I really have to pee. I wonder if I can make a quick run and be back before New years. That would be pretty embarrassing though, to tell people I spent New Years in a bathroom. Unless I was getting laid at the time. That would be a great story. Man, I want to fuck Jordin Sparks.

11:59: Oh God, one minute away! People are counting now. Counting down from 60? Really? Seriously, this is happening? Oh man, all of the couples are starting to hold hands now, this is sickening. I have to pretend like I don’t notice. So I’ll just stare at the TV like a jackass and pretend like I actually give a crap about this countdown right now. Okay, 30 seconds away. The ball is dropping. That’s what she said. Haha, good one. 15 seconds. I wonder if James Cameron is actually working on Avatar 2 at this moment? I hope so. Five seconds, so close! Four seconds, three, two, one…


12:01: Okay, are we done now? Can I go pee?

And that is how the New Year happens.

Alright everyone. Be safe, have fun, and try not to spend too much money on some shitty deal that your friend found online. I will be out of town for the next few days, and will return in the new year, where I will continue, as always, to spit the truth.

It’s all I know.

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