It’s time to talk about the hipster glasses

I understand that fashion changes and evolves on a regular basis, and that one day something will be hip and cool and then a week later a new thing will be hip and cool. I myself don’t make much of an effort to stay with the latest trends. Honestly, what is the point? If it changes so quickly, why bother?

However, that doesn’t mean I don’t notice the new trends. Some of them I could appreciate, and some of them make me shake my head. I remember about a year ago, when the giant sunglasses were in that covered half of girls’ faces. I honestly thought that was the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen, and even thinking about it now still pisses me off.

Well, what is the fashion trend of 2012 that pisses me off?


The thick-rimmed black hipster glasses.

I thought glasses were supposed be subtle, refined pieces of apparel that were meant to be individually suited towards each person. That way, when people look at you, the glasses look so natural that you don’t even notice them.

Conversely, these giant black glasses stand out so blatantly like a giant pimple on the front of your nose. They are a monstrosity.

I’m not entirely sure how they started. At first, I noticed a lot of basketball players were wearing them. Like these guys:

But then, suddenly, celebrities started wearing them too!

What the heck is going on in the world? Is everybody in show business really that big of a poser?

“Oh my God! That dude is wearing black thick-rimmed glasses! I guess I have to do it too!”

Glasses are meant to be a practical tool. We wear them because we need to see. Although, I’m not that naive that I don’t understand that people want to look fashionable. If you’re going to wear glasses on your face, you might as well make sure they look good.

But these new glasses are just absurd, and they make everybody look extremely nerdy. And that reminds me where I had seen these glasses before, prior to this new trend!

That’s right. It’s gotten to the point where people are actually mimicking Steve Urkel.

If I see somebody wearing these glasses, I have no problem superficially labeling them as an asshole. I really don’t need to know anything further about them. They are wearing these glasses, so therefore they are an asshole. It is pretty simple.

And the worst part with these celebrities is that they are all rich as hell. So if they experience difficulties with their vision, then they could get the most effective and up-to-date contact lenses on the market. They don’t even need to be wearing glasses. But not only do they wear them, but they wear the most noticeable, douchy ones they could get their hands on. It’s painfully obvious that they do it just for attention.

Heck, I bet that most of these people don’t even have actual prescription glasses. The glass is probably clear. It really would not surprise me.

Of course, I suppose if you are rich and popular, you can have the mindset that anything you wear is going to become a trend. I bet if Lebron James wore denim shorts one day, then idiots across America would be wearing them by the following week. Though I don’t know why anyone would want to mimic Lebron James anyway, unless they have aspirations of being a career loser and choke artist.

I am someone who has always wore glasses my entire life. I have crappy vision, and I never wanted contact lenses because I have a phobia when it comes to touching my eyes. So I wear glasses whenever I need to, which is pretty much always. I enjoy glasses. But now, because of these hipsters, I am going to be labeled as a poser. And if there is anything I am not, it is a poser.

The giant sunglasses fizzled out, thankfully, and we can only pray that the hipster glasses will do the same.

If there is a God up there, please grant me that wish. Also, let me sleep with Kate Upton. Actually, yeah, grant that one first.

Bones is a good show… who knew?!

Every single time I saw a commercial for the FOX television show “Bones,” I would become dumbfounded. I would become dumbfounded because I could not believe that this show not only exists, but that it has lasted to a seventh season.

Honestly, I couldn’t tell you one person who I know that watches Bones. Not a single individual. I’ve never even heard anyone actually speak of the show.

When I saw the commercials, absolutely nothing about it stood out to me. It’s a crime drama that involved an anthropologist and an FBI agent who try to solve murders. Wow, that’s never been done before! Okay, so maybe it’s unique in that it involves an anthropologist, but the crime-solving aspect has been outdone ad nauseam. Just look at all nineteen CSIs, Law and Order, NYPD Blue, etc. Nothing about Bones stood out to me. To sum up, it looked like your generic run-of-the-mill crime show starring Angel and the other Deschanel sister.

And then I watched it.

I was at a friend’s house, and she put it on the television. Upon learning that I was about to watch my first ever episode of Bones, I voiced my incredulity that she actually wished to watch the show. But I had no choice. To compromise, I decided I would only half-listen, and play with my phone while it was airing.

So, I started doing that, but within the first five minutes of show, I found myself actually laughing out loud (or loling) at some of the dialogue. And not many television shows actually make me laugh out loud.

After that, I started paying more attention, and within twenty minutes, I officially decided that I liked the show.

I’m not going to go into specific detail about exactly what the show is about, because you don’t care. But I’ll tell you why it is good.

It’s the writing that really sets it above and beyond. The script is both intelligent, witty and humorous. You are learning while you are watching, and at the same time, being entertained. The show is actually based on the actual life of a forensic anthropologist who writes fiction novels on the side, so that probably explains its authenticity.

Secondly, the characters are awesome. It’s basically a cast of nerdy, awkward, smart people, or rather, a whole group of Jesse Eisenbergs. The best part is that the actors who play these characters are really self-aware, and know exactly what they are trying to be. They play the nerdy awkward role to a T. It’s not like the Big Bang Theory, which tries to be awkward and funny, but pretty much fails in both. That show sucks. Also, watching the characters in Bones attempt to interact with attractive girls is one of the best parts of the show. They fail miserably, and I can certainly relate to that.

To put it simply, the show is endearing. After just a couple of episodes, you’ll enjoy everyone who is involved.

Also, Emily Deschanel.

I’m not going to stand here and say “Oh my God, she’s so hot” like I do for every woman, but Emily Deschanel is one of those women who you look at once, and you say, “Eh, she’s aight.” Then you look at her again and say, “Oh, she’s actually pretty hot…” and then you look at her one more time and say, “Wow, she is beautiful.”

Standing next to a supermodel, or possibly even her own sister Zooey, Emily Deschanel looks pretty plain. But when you take a closer look, she actually seems like somebody who is attainable. I don’t mean that in a literal sense, as she is both famous and married, but what I mean is that she looks like someone who you might actually come across in real life. She’s not supermodel pretty, she’s normal pretty, and in a way, that is even more desirable.

She also plays the part of Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan very well, and like the rest of the cast, she is very self-aware of the fact that she is a nerd on the show, and she embraces it. She’s the type of person, who if I were to ever meet, I would probably fall for. And then we’d probably go out on a date, and then I’d screw it up somehow, and then it would be over.

On top of all that, David Boreanaz plays the cool, serious FBI man, or in other words, “the straight man” to all of these anthropological nerds, which adds to more humor.

According to Wikipedia, the end-all be-all of everything, the ratings of the show have actually increased with every season. Bones had 9 million viewers in season 1, which jumped to 10 million by season 4, and is now at 11.5 million at season 6. So clearly the show is doing something right.

I know all of this may be shocking, because like me, you probably didn’t think any one else in the world watched this show either, but I am telling you right now that the show is good. And that should be all the validation you need.

Additionally, imagining myself involved in a threesome with Emily and Zooey Deschanel would be the dream of all dreams. Shit, I don’t even need to be there. Both of them with some other dude, and just knowing that it happened, is enough for me.

Oscar observations

No, not that Oscar.

As some of you may know, I am a pretty big movie aficionado, and therefore I make an effort to downloa– err, I mean, legally pay to watch every movie that comes out prior to Oscar season. Well, not every movie. Unfortunately I didn’t catch the latest Twilight movie.

Rather, I watch every movie that looks good. And especially the ones that garner a lot of critical buzz. I already blogged about my favorite movies from 2011, and which ones I thought would take home the top Oscars.

I predicted that The Artist would most likely take home the biggest awards, namely Best Picture and Best Lead Actor, which it did. A lot of ignorant people will claim that they have no desire to ever see a film that is both silent and in black and white, but, if you really want to see a true piece of art, then you should see The Artist when you get a chance. You won’t even realize that it is silent, or lacking color, because it is just flat-out good. That is all I will say.

Anyway, so without any major surprises, I will say that this year was probably one of the most boring Oscars in recent memory. Here’s why:

1) Billy Crystal was awful. Sorry Billy, I know you’re a legend, and that people in the age range of 45-60 probably adore you, but come on. You told probably about 40 jokes during the telecast, and maybe two were funny. Maybe. Also, what is wrong with your face? You were acting like you just had Botox. It’s a shame that Eddie Murphy dropped out, because what this Oscars was missing was some controversy. For comparison sake, Chris Rock’s two-minute presentation was infinitely funnier than Crystal’s entire three-hour schtick.

2) No memorable speeches. Come on people. This is the Oscars, arguably the most prestigious ceremony in the entire world. I know it’s sad to say that, considering it’s honoring millionaire celebrities, but it’s true. It’s one of the most watched ceremonies on television. When you have your one or two minutes to give a speech, make it memorable. Say something meaningful. It may be your only opportunity to do so, and you have the chance to actually stand out, and go down in Oscar lore by saying something articulate, profound or inspiring. I’m not saying to be controversial, far from it. But for heaven’s sake, please say something different from “I’d like to thank the academy, the producers, my costars and my wife. Thanks.” Bo-ring.

3) No live musical performances. Having the opportunity to write a song for a specific movie can sometimes bring out the best in artists. In fact, some of the best songs of all time were written directly for the screen. Consequently, there have been some great musical performances in the vast history of the Academy Awards. However, this year, two songs were nominated, and they were from the Muppets and Rio. Two songs? Really? Music in films this year was really that bad? At the very least, they still could have performed those two songs. I know it’s a ceremony dedicated towards film, and not music, but it’s always a pleasant change-up to see a musical performance amidst a three-hour ceremony. This year, it was glaringly absent.

4) Even the setting was bland. Where was the Academy Awards even held this year, in a high-school auditorium? Okay, I am obviously exaggerating, but compared to years past, the theater was very unimpressive and lacking in character. But I suppose the stage just took on the personality of the show in general.

5) No nudity. Okay, so this is something that I was expecting, but one can still hope. However, there was still some nice eye candy on display:

Those four lovely ladies are Angelina Jolie, Rooney Mara, Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lopez, respectively. I would turn neither down if one of them were to proposition me.

Also, speaking of lovely, when the hell did George Clooney start dating Stacy Keibler?

Hot damn. Despite having no discernible talents besides being hot, she has always been a personal favorite of mine. And now her job is to be arm candy for George Clooney. And just for reference, Clooney is 50 years old, and Keibler is 32. Lucky bastard. What doesn’t this guy have?

And that was the Oscars.

I mean, the primary objective of the ceremony is to distribute awards, which it did, so it’s not like I am disappointed or anything. However, if I am going to devote three hours of my life to it, I want a little something extra. This year, for the first time in a while, the Grammys outdid the Oscars.

Also, I failed to win an Oscar for “Best Blogger in a Supporting Role,” which, surprisingly, was a new category added this year.

Oh well, there is always next year.


Every day I come up with some new type of idea of how to expand Facebook, or even better, totally rip off Facebook with a different variation.

Today: Drunkbook. Think about it.

When Facebook was first created, it was used for college students as a documentation of their party life. Sure, it was also a useful tool to figure out who was in your classes, but for the most part, its purpose was to show all of your high school friends that you were having a ballin’ time during your first couple of years in college.

Nobody else was on Facebook except people in the age range of 17 to 23. You can upload pictures of yourself doing a keg stand, funneling, smoking a bong, whatever. There were no repercussions.

Those days are long over.

At this point, Facebook might as well just be called PoliticallyCorrectBook.

Not only does anybody no longer post drunk photos anymore, but they don’t even post photos of themselves with a beer anywhere in the vicinity. Also, People don’t mock one another on their walls anymore, it’s just sad. If people acted in real life like they do on Facebook, the human race would essentially be the Care Bears. It’s pretty disgusting.

But the universality of Facebook, meaning your employers having it too, will lead to that. It seems like every day you hear a story about how somebody lost their job because of something that was posted on Facebook.

Well, that’s where Drunkbook comes in.

Let’s face it, nothing is more fun than documenting your drunk life on Facebook. The reason for that is simple. Life is more interesting when you are drunk. While inebriated, you are more likely to get into all sorts of high jinks, and partake in amusing endeavors that you normally would not do sober.

And, since you are drunk while doing them, it means that you likely will not remember them the next day. Again, that is where Drunkbook comes in.

Drunkbook simply exists to document your drunk life. You check in from bars, post drunk observations, and pictures of yourselves doing drunk things. It would be the most entertaining thing imaginable.

You would not be allowed to post on Drunkbook while sober. In fact,  to access it over your phone, you should have to breathe into your phone, and it would only unlock if your blood alcohol content exceeded .08.

This way, people could be all chipper and friendly on Facebook, and they could post freely on Drunkbook, while wasted, without the fear of anybody judging them for it.

I don’t know about you guys, but I am all about drunk photos. In college, I used to purposely seek out my friends who I knew brought cameras with them everywhere, because I wanted to see the drunk photos the next day. There is nothing funnier than examining drunk photos of yourself after the fact. Seeing the dumb poses, the random people you interacted with, and best of all, seeing the happy-go-lucky, dopey facial expression on your face that says, “I’m drunk as hell right now, life is awesome, and I don’t give a flying f— about anything else.”

Seriously, nothing beats that.

In fact, I want to open up a drunk photo gallery. Only photos taken while inebriated will be acceptable. With what is considered “true art” nowadays, I don’t see how this could be any worse.

Drunk photos are the best photos, and that is why Drunkbook would succeed.

So that’s all from me, and I definitely intend to add to the gallery this weekend.

So when’s the appropriate time to send out a Facebook birthday event invite?

My God, it’s already the end of February. It feels like it was only recently when my birthday was steadily approaching last year, and I scrambles to make plans and invite people on Facebook. I recall the whole process of selecting a bar (which in New York City is no easy task), deciding who to invite, and then watching every five minutes to see who RVSPed. Let’s face it, it’s flat-out embarrassing if your birthday event doesn’t hit double-digit guests.

In your head, you always play out how you birthday will go. You assume that most of your close friends will come, and that maybe half the people who fall into the second tier will come. You also throw a few shots in the dark out there for shits and giggles, who almost never come.

You imagine that tons of people will come, all from different areas of your life (coworkers, home friends, school friends, etc.), and that everybody will mingle, get along, and that the entire night will be a hit.

But in reality, many of your close friends won’t come because of certain obligations, like another event, or school related purposes, or maybe they won’t be in town. And then most of the second tier people don’t come at all. So you still hope for a moderate turnout, but regardless, it will never be as good as how you played it out in your head.

Finally, it’s over, and the euphoria that comes with every year’s birthday is gone, and with your next birthday being twelve months away, it feels like it will never come, knowing how much time has to elapse in between.

And then, before you know it, it’s that time again. Amazing.

This year, I will be turning 25 years old. Honestly, I don’t think turning 25 is too big of a deal. It still doesn’t sound very old. And it doesn’t sound very different from 24. Even 26 doesn’t sound too bad. it’s when I turn 27 when I will take a step back and say, “Holy shit. I’m old.” Luckily that is not for two years. And my apologies to anybody who is 27 or older.

But anyway, 25, old or not, is a landmark birthday. And not only that, but my 25th birthday just happens to be on a Saturday. Is that not perfect? There’s really no way I can’t celebrate it with a massive shindig. The stars are aligned just for me.

So, obviously once February came around, I already started thinking about my birthday. I began with brainstorming possible locations, and a couple came to mind.

In fact, last weekend, I actually went with friends to one of the places to scout it out, and ask the employees what their policies are on large birthday groups. It all seemed to work out pretty well, and I’m pretty sure I have my birthday bar location picked out.

The next step is to wait until the appropriate time to invite people on Facebook.

This can be a quandary. In my mind, the perfect time to do it is about 2 and a half weeks before. I say this because it is not uncommon to for people to make plans two weeks in advance, and thus, I want to give them enough notice so that they don’t do that.

Anything longer than I think is unnecessary. If you send out the invites to early, say three, four or even five weeks in advance, then by the time your birthday nears, people will have already forgotten about it. By doing it approximately 17 days in advance, it stays fresh in everybody’s head. But it’s tough, once your birthday is three weeks away, to not give into temptation and send out the invites prematurely. It takes a lot of self-discipline, no doubt.

The other dilemma is deciding who to invite. naturally, you have your close friends, but then you need to decide, how far do I want to range for this party? Do I want just my close friends, or do i want to invite my acquaintances too, meaning people who I never really call to hang out, but people who I often end up hanging out with anyway. It’s tough.

Sometimes you may invite one person, and it means that since you invited them, you may have to invite somebody else, so that they don’t feel left out. it actually all becomes kind of political.

Last year, for my 24th, I kept it kind of small. I wanted to regulate it to just my closer friends, and that way, I knew that most of the people I invited would come. The more people you invite to your birthday, the more impersonal it becomes. Think about it, you’d feel much more honored if you were invited to a party where only 20 people were invited, as opposed to one where 60 people were invited, wouldn’t you?

However, this year, I think I am going to go all-out and invite close friends, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, old elementary school teachers, maybe my dentist, everything. It’s my 25th birthday party, and it’ll be my on my actual birthday, so, what better time is there to ever do it? I’ve earned it.

My actual birthday is on April 7, which is still 45 days away. So I don’t think I’ll need to worry about it until we are three weeks away, which will be on March 17. Sometime between then and March 20, I will send out invitations. Only then will everybody find out if they made the cut.

Again, you can’t predict who is going to come and who isn’t but you can only hope for the best. And no matter what, I am getting obliterated.

It’s my party and I could binge if I want to.

I’m sorry, but Lent is stupid.

For the love of God, if I hear another person talk about what they are giving up for Lent, I might have to… blog about it.

Never, not once, in my 24 years, ten months and three weeks of living, has the thought even popped up in my head to even consider observing Lent. Why the he heck would I want to give up something that I enjoy doing for 40 days?

I understand that self-discipline is a good skill, but why do you need a holiday, or a religious observance, to accomplish it? If you’re doing something that you know you should not be doing, then stop it. Why does Lent need to play a factor? It’s like the idiots who become motivated to make a change in their life just because the calendar says “January 1st.”

If I’m doing something shitty in my life, that is counterproductive and doesn’t even add to my happiness, then I will cut it out. And I have. In the past two years, I have given up smoking marijuana, drinking soda and eating fast food [sober]. I am proud of that. I didn’t need a holiday to tell me to do it.

So my only vices in life are drinking coffee and drinking alcohol. There is no way in hell I am giving either of those up, even for 40 days. I need coffee to operate, and I enjoy drinking alcohol on weekends, because I have fun doing it. Doing these things actually improves my life, so why in the world would I deprive myself of them?

Also, abstinence isn’t productive. Instead of cutting something out completely for 40 days, only to return to it in excess after that, why not live in moderation for 365 days? Isn’t that a much more practical and healthier way to live your life?

The worst part about Lent is that the people who observe it act like they are righteous. You can tell that they truly believe that God himself is actually looking down on them with approval. Well, guess what, while you are abstaining from eating meat for 40 days, I’m out with my friends, getting drunk, making out with some random girl in the back of a bar, and then eating chicken wings at 3 a.m. Which of those two sounds better?

And we all know that you are not actually fully abstaining for 40 days. Come on now. You say that you’re giving up sugar for 40 days, but you’re probably having an oreo cookie every other night before going to bed while nobody is looking. Well, guess what? Somebody is looking. And you know who that is?

*points up towards the sky*

Again, I’m all for self-discipline. If you want to cut a bad habit out of your life, then I’ll be happy to support you and lend you the encouragement. But doing it just because it’s Lent, and then not shutting up about it, and posting about it on Facebook, that’s when you piss me off.

As for me, I’m proud of the way I live my life. There is absolutely nothing that I want or need to give up. I choose to live healthy all 365 days of the year instead of 40.

I doubt that the people who observe Lent even know why Lent exists. They probably don’t even know that it’s a religious thing. You can’t even make fun of people, or speak negatively about Lent, either, because since it’s religious, people will jump into hissy fits. That’s what religion does.

And the worst thing about Lent is that it gave us this movie:

I really don’t think I could enhance my argument any more than by pointing out this movie. Even the most staunchest of Lent supporters can’t defend that one.

Jesus, what the hell is Josh Hartnett doing these days? Did he give up ‘being relevant’ for Lent? And by Lent, I mean forever?

Love at first double-word score

The more dedicated Weinblog followers might remember a particular blog that I wrote about four months ago, where I poked fun at the notion that people may actually be using the popular smart phone app “Words with Friends” as a platform to flirt with girls.

I said it tongue-and check, like basically all of my blogs, and poked fun at people who are incapable of flirting with girls in real life, so they resort to doing it over an app.

And it kind of makes sense, if you think about it. Words with Friends actually gives losers an excuse to associate themselves with hot girls. It’s like my beer pong theory that I believe I have mentioned before. Sometimes you’re at a party, and there are hot girls there who you don’t have the cojones to talk too. But if you see them playing beer pong, then you should try get it on it, and bam, you’re suddenly in the same social circle with said hot girls.

The same goes with Words with Friends. Not that I myself employ this strategy. I’m not a loser and don’t need a smart phone app to talk to girls. In fact, I only play Words with Friends with dudes. I’m not quite sure what that says about me, actually.

Anyway, my point is, apparently I’m not the only one who picked up on this, because some news outlets, including the Huffington Post, recently wrote an article about it.

I’ll give you a little brief quote from the article just in case you don’t believe me.

For those who love spelling and all things grammar, “Words With Friends” might prove to be the perfect match-making option.

A poll conducted by Zynga, maker of the popular Scrabble-like gaming application, revealed that one in every 10 players have hooked up with an opponent, and 47 percent of players report they’re “crushing” on someone with whom they’re competing.

Several players have even met their future spouses after choosing to play a random opponent.

The article even goes on to list a couple of examples of specific people who have supposedly met through Words with Friends and proceeded to get married.

First of all, this is only going to boost my ego, considering that I totally called this… sort of.

Second of all, how? How does this happen? I understand how Words with Friends can bring people together who already knew each other, but how does it facilitate a relationship between people who don’t know each other?

Words with Friends isn’t like Facebook, where you see somebody’s profile photo, and thus are able to make immediate judgments. All you see is their names. So was it the beautiful way that she spelled her name to E’s instead of one that made you fall in love? Or was it that she shared the same initials as your favorite celebrity? Was it their extensive vocabulary, and the fact that they knew that “Xu” qualifies as a word, according to the Scrabble dictionary?

I don’t understand how two strangers could actually become friends, let alone husband and wife, simply through a word game. They must have been really, really desperate. I’m just genuinely curious how the conversations go from casual talk, to flirting, to romantic exchanges, to asking one another out?

Who even actually uses the chat option during Words with Friends? In fact, I don’t even know anyone who uses the “challenge a random person” option. Is challenging your friends not rewarding enough? What sense of accomplishment do you feel beating a complete stranger? For all you know, your competitor could be legally retarded. Or illiterate.

I guess it is not that different from a dating website, but, but… I still just do not understand.

That being said, I’m going to play a random Words with Friends game right now, and if my challenger goes by the name “Kate U.,” well, then I’m popping the question right on the spot.

A Facebook photo shop

Alright, so I had a brilliant idea yesterday. And like all of my brilliant ideas, instead of actually taking action and moving forward on the idea, I will simply post about it here and do nothing else.

There is no question that people put tons and tons of thought into their Facebook profile photo. And for good reason. It’s essentially the photo that represents you. It’s the photo that people will see first when they log onto your Facebook page. It is also the photo that will appear on milk cartons if you ever go missing.

So naturally people are going to choose a photo that makes them look their best. You want something that brings out your best features and makes others think that, on a glance, you are physically attractive. You can deny it all you want, and I know people sometimes try to be “too cool” and have a Facebook photo that isn’t even a photo of them, but everyone thinks about this, at least subconsciously.

In fact, when out with friends and taking pictures, some people look at the picture and say “Wow, great photo. That is Facebook-profile worthy!” And you know, the minute you get home, you are uploading that shit and making it your Facebook photo.

I think it’s even gotten to the point where people actually contrive their own Facebook photos. If they are in an exotic location, they may search for the most appealing spot and take a snapshot. Granted people did that before Facebook, but now they have even more incentive. At the very least, I don’t think there is any doubt that the existence of Facebook has led to an increase in the amount of people who bring cameras with them when they go out to bars.

So, working off that notion, why not create a shop that is specifically designed to create Facebook profile photos? Hear me out.

Design studios are things. Aside from taking photographs for events and other festivities, people go to them for other type of photographs, like family photos, prom photos, or head shots. They are important photos, so naturally, you want a professional to do it.

Well, your Facebook profile photo is important too. I know you’re probably thinking, but why do you need a store for that? How can you center a business simply around a Facebook profile photo? Well, I know nothing about economics, finance or how to start a business, but let me keep going.

The brilliance of my Facebook photo shop would be that my photos would not simply be just a generic, standard photo, a la a headshot.

Instead, my store would be an entire studio. I’d have a set, with the ability to create all different types of scenery, and I’d have all different types of wardrobe. We can actually contrive any type of Facebook profile shot within my own store. If you’re willing to pay a little more, then we can even leave the shop and go on location for your photo.

Never been to Paris? That’s okay, I’ll bring the Eiffel Tower to you!

Want a cute picture with a baby, but don’t have a little nephew or cousin? That’s okay, I’ll have one at my store! The same goes with cats, dogs, gerbils, and any other cute and cuddly animals that will result in an adorable pictures that will make any female see it and go, “awwww!”

I’ll even hire ugly people to take the photo with you just so their ugliness will, in contrast, only accentuate your good features!

And of course, the most important prop at my store would be empty Bud Light cans and bottles, which would strategically be placed around the photos to emulate a fun, drunken scene. And with that, now you have advertising.

I’d also have makeup artists on hand to do your hair how you want it, and fashion consultants to make sure you dress your best for this important photo.

Honestly, tell me that this is not a brilliant idea. I’m sure that if I were to create this shop, Mark Zuckerberg would hear about it and find a way to file legal action against it. However, I’d even be open and willing towards teaming up with Mark. Perhaps we can be business partners, and the store could actually be in partnership with Facebook ©. This is really one of those ideas that only becomes more logical and fun the more you think about it.

You might also be thinking, “I don’t think anyone is that desperate they they’d actually pay money to have their Facebook profile photo taken…”

Well, nonexistent skeptic, I think you are severely underestimating the desperation, shallowness and stupidity of our great nation.

Very much indeed.

A week of DVR… how did I live without it?

Okay so I posted a couple of weeks ago about how I finally welcomed myself to the 21st century and purchased a high-definition television. Well, there was one more step left to go: DVR.

For just $10 extra a month, I called up Cablevision and ordered that shit.

In the past, I used to think of time in relation to TV shows. For example, say I was planning to watch a television program at 8 p.m., and I looked at the clock and saw that it was 6 p.m. My thought process would be, “Oh, it’s two hours until so-and-so is on.” Well, those days are over. Time basically doesn’t matter anymore. And if you haven’t caught the hit show “So-and-So” on AMC, starring Antonio Banderas, then you really should.

The hardest part, I’ve learned, is DVRing sports. Like on Tuesday for example.

I DVRed the Knicks-Raptors game, because I had to attend a meeting for work that night. I avoided all text messaging while I was out, and upon returning home, I covered my ears and yelled “Don’t say anything about the Knicks!” as I walked through the door.

Sure enough, after five minutes of watching, my brother stormed into my room and yell excitedly, “Did you jus see that?!” I told him I was watching it now, and to get the fuck out. But from that point, I knew that whatever happened during the game, it would culminate in a dramatic finish, and almost definitely in the Knicks’ favor given his excited tone of voice.

And, it did. So I certainly was not mad. But it just goes to show how tough it is to watch sports after the fact. I also keenly remembered to record the post-game show, knowing that, like all sports, the game would inevitably run later than its recorded time. But any sports fan knows that, whether they have DVR or not.

The best part about DVR is that it doesn’t make your live revolve around a television schedule. All I have to do is remember to record the shows I want earlier in the day, and for the rest of the night, I don’t even have to think about watching them. I could do whatever I want whenever I want. Like read poetry.

I can definitely do without my mom recording Spanish soap operas, but what are you going to do? Multi-room DVR is about compromise.

DVR has been so revolutionary in my life, that in the future I will look towards my life in two parts; BDVR, as in Before DVR, and ADVR.

The next invention would be to make some type of digital blog recorder… I’m not sure how it would work, but it just would.

Alright, I’ve been trying to go this entire blog without saying that I have recorded American idol every time it’s been on. But I can’t stall any longer. I watch American idol. I’m sorry. That statement may lose me some followers, but I can’t hold it in anymore. I am a closet Idoler.

And now, i’m going to go and watch last night’s American idol. Weinblog, OUT.


What Jeremy Lin has done over the past couple of weeks has basically transcended sports. Naturally, every sports fan is going to know who he is after all he has accomplished on the basketball court recently. But it’s his story, and where he came from, that appeals to the rest of the world. If you don’t know who Jeremy Lin is at this point, you probably live under a rock. And if you live under a rock, then you probably need a shower.

What is so appealing about Jeremy Lin’s story is where he came from. The dude played basketball at Harvard, which in itself, adds to his allure. After that, three different teams looked at him and said, “Nah, not good enough.” So that he actually is not only performing well, but performing  excellently, is what is making this the true feel-good underdog story that it is.

The world loves underdog stories. Why do you think Rudy, Hoosiers, and Little Giants are so beloved? It’s because people want to root for the team — or the player — that has no chance. Because let’s face it, 99% of the world is pretty average. It sucks, but the common person contains no real discernible, outstanding strengths. We may be good at something, but not enough that it is going to deliver us instant fame.

So when some schmo like Jeremy Lin comes along, who if you look at him, breaks every single stereotype we have about a basketball player, and dominates the league, then it really sends a big “f— you” to society.

Scouts dismissed Jeremy Lin. He’s not 6’8, he can’t do flashy behind-the-back dunks, and I know you’re all thinking it, he’s not black. Far from it.

It’s not being racist. What Floyd Mayweather said on Twitter the other day, about how “black people do what Jeremy Lin is doing all the time, and they get no credit,” yeah, that is racist and stereotypical.

But let’s face it, the fact that Jeremy Lin looks nothing like what we expect the average superstar basketball player to look like, is what is greatly contributing to his instant celebrity.

And I’m not just saying it because he’s Asian, obviously that helps, but it’s moreso just because he is different. Heck, he’s the first Asian-American to ever set foot on an NBA court, and he’s only the fourth Harvard graduate to do so. So to say he’s not different would just be incorrect.

We are all living vicariously through Lin. As the 99% of people who have always been told that we’re not good enough, and then subsequently believed it, Lin has officially become our representative.

Just think about it — how many people, over the past week, have you heard say that they are “tired of all this Jeremy Lin talk?” Probably no one. I know I haven’t. For once, the media hype machine is spotlighting somebody who actually deserves it. The fact that he’s been humble, has a winning smile, and has yet to lose a game doesn’t hurt either.

Also, having a name so simple as “Lin,” which could fit into virtually any pun conceivable to mankind, doesn’t hurt either. He’s a dream for the people whose job it is to come up with newspaper headlines. Or newspaper headLins. Nope.  It works in a million ways, but that wasn’t one of them.

Can you imagine if his real birth certificate flourished, and his name was actually something like Jeremy Frygelberger? I’m pretty sure that his popularity would drop a few notches if that was the case.

But anyway, the point is, you don’t really see anything like this in professional sports. Maybe some nobody will come out of nowhere and exceed expectations, or succeed for a little while, and eventually fizz out. But to have someone come out of nowhere, and revolutionize a team, and go toe-to-toe and actually out duel other superstars, and to do it in New York City of all places, well, that shit is just straight out of the movies.

And the fact that it is happening to one of my favorite sports teams, well, it just makes it that much better. I deserve this. I really do.

Now allow me step away from the Linsanity for a moment and share with you a recent scientific discovery — which was not made by me, unfortunately.

In Madagascar, scientists recently discovered the smallest chameleon ever recorded, at 3-centimeters wide.

Yes, that is the chameleon sitting on the edge of a match. It’s that little. I really have nothing else to add, I just think that it is adorable. It is the Jeremy Lin of reptiles.