My life is now in high definition

Has there ever been a more unnecessary Groundhog Day in the history of mankind?

Normally, on the second day of February, we are all tired and fed up of the snow, freezing winds and subzero temperatures. So when Groundhog Day comes around, we are looking for anything, anything, that might give us the slightest glimmer of hope that nice weather is on the way. As a result, we sit around like idiots watching the news ticker to see whether Punxsutawney Phil saw his goddamn shadow or not.

But those days are over. Sorry Phil, but global warming has taken over, and your services are no longer needed. This year, when Phil emerges from his burrow, I say that somebody just offs him. Seriously, what use do we have anymore for that overstuffed hamster?

Woah, woah, woah! I’m sorry, buddy. I was just kidding! I didn’t mean it, I swear. Put the gun down, there is no need for that. Let’s not get all middle east up in here.

Speaking of which, what the hell is wrong with Egypt? You guys just won the hearts of the world by undergoing one of the most successful and resilient rebellions of our lifetimes, while overthrowing a dictator and gaining your independence.

And then, not even a year later, you guys riot… over a soccer game.

I mean, sure, I know what it’s like when your favorite team loses. Sometimes I’ll throw my remote across the room, sometimes I’ll say something nasty to someone in the heat of the moment, and sometimes I’ll even cry.

But, start a riot that results in 73 deaths and several hundred injuries? Hmm, even I think that is a little overboard, and I’m a Mets fan.

But the point is, this will not silence critics who were against the thought process that countries could start anew and recreate their civilization on their own. Does America have to intervene, guys? Do we have to babysit for you? I hope not, because we all saw how that went in Iraq.

Maybe we should send in that groundhog assassin to restore order. I think he can do it.

Anyway, so today, finally, I embraced the technological era and set up my 32″ LED flat-screen. It’s a lot harder than you think, and while I was doing it, I kept complaining aloud how difficult it is, and how long it took for the picture to become crisp. Is there ever a more first-world problem then complaining about the crispness on your high-definition flat-screen television? But God dammit, I want clarity!

So, chalk me up as one of those people who, in a few days from now, will be uttering the words, “Man, how did I ever live without high-definition” at some point. But it’s going to take a little bit of time to get used to.

However, it’ll be a totally different experience to watch sports, movies and most importantly, porn.

It’s not like I’ve never seen high-definition before, I’m not a third-world orphan — most of my friends have flat screens — , but I’ve never had a flat-screen in my own living quarters. It’s going to be like a parallel universe! And it’s totally going to reinvent my sex life!

Yeah, you’re probably right.

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