Next person who brags about running a 5k may have to be slapped

Before before I begin, allow me to clarify for the mathematically challenged individuals out there, that 5 kilometers does not equate to five miles. It is approximately 3.1 miles.

Very often, I hear somebody discussing how hard they are practicing for their upcoming 5k race, and it never ceases to piss me off. They bring it up every chance they get, and they are acting like they are changing the world. And if they’re doing it for a good cause, then forget it. They’re Ghandi. No, scratch that. They’re Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. combined.

A 5k is nothing. As someone who has made an effort to run five days a week for the past four years, I can vouch for that. When I go to the gym, and I hop on the treadmill, and start running while I zone out and listen to music, I glance down at the treadmill shortly thereafter and see that I’ve already ran 3.1 miles. I run a 5k by accident. And normally after I had a burrito for lunch.

Running a half-marathon, or approximately 13 miles, is impressive. That is something to brag about.

Running a full-marathon is super impressive, and anyone who can complete it, regardless of the time, deserves the utmost respect. That is 26 freaking miles. Just thinking about running 26 miles makes me fatigued.

So when somebody brags about how they ran 3.1 miles, and posts pictures of them doing it on Facebook, and declines an event on Friday night with the excuse of “having to prepare for my 5k,” it is actually insulting for people who are actually good at running.

Honestly, I’d be more impressed with somebody who ate 3.1 cheeseburgers in one sitting that somebody who just ran a 5k.

Also, the philanthropic aspect is really nothing. In the long run (no pun intended), you’re contribution contributed absolutely nothing to the research. Oh wait, you said you raised $1,500 through your donations on your little webpage? Congratulations, that’s enough to afford new toilet paper at the research foundation for the people who are trying to cure breast cancer. You did it! You helped!

But hey, if you want to feel good about yourself, and flaunt the fact that you fought through adversity and actually ran a whole 3.1 miles, then go for it. Whatever makes you happy. It’s better than being a whiny, self-loathing nuisance, I suppose. And I’m sure Barbara Walters will be knocking on your door first thing the next morning to interview you about your triumphant, heroic accomplishment.

Okay, so my title of this particular blog is a little misleading. If you mention to me that you are running a 5k, I probably won’t physically slap you, but I will mentally slap you. You won’t know it, but I will.

Oh and I wanted to mention something else before I depart. I know that I have sort of become a hipster when it comes to music — meaning that I enjoy bands that no one else has heard of, and when they become mainstream, I become “so over them.”

However, given that I am in the field of journalism, I realize I am becoming the same way with news.

For example, this new Facebook trend that is going around about “Kony 2012” is funny to me. For those who don’t know, it’s all about Joseph Kony, who is the leader of the militant group, the “Lord’s Resistance Army” in Uganda. He kidnaps small Ugandan children, and he raises them to become soldiers. Seven years ago, he was charged by the International Criminal Court for war crimes, but amazingly, has yet to have been captured. I mean, this guy is kind of like the African Bin Laden. We just don’t know about him because his path of terror has not crossed paths with the United States.

Anyway, so I know about this because I actually did a story at my newspaper last year about a girl who was going to Uganda, and she told me all about this. The point is, it’s funny how people watch the 30-minute video and consider themselves an activist, meanwhile, this has actually been going on for TWENTY YEARS. So I just find it humorous that is only gaining American awareness now.

So whenever I hear somebody talk about it, I react by going, “Psshhh, I so knew about that story one year ago, get with it.” Which officially makes me a hipster, which consequently makes me obnoxious.

But hey, still not as obnoxious as if I bragged about running a 5k.

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