The new Dorito taco at Taco Bell

Ask the average American these three questions:

1) Did you watch President Obama’s press conference last week?

2) Do you know what is currently going on in the middle east?

3) Are you aware that Taco Bell recently introduced a new Dorito taco?

I think you would receive a “yes” to one of those questions, and you all know exactly which one that is.

The announcement that Taco Bell was planning to release a new taco that contained a shell made completely of Doritos caused quite a stir among the fat people in our country, or rather, our entire country. Never before had I seen a piece of news acquire such buzz and interest. You’d think that President Obama had just made an announcement declaring that he was going to create a “National Blowjob Day”  sometime next month.

Let’s take a look at this taco.

Had we been playing a word-association game, and you flipped a card that showed me this picture, the first word that would immediately come to my mind would be “diarrhea.” And I don’t understand how anybody else would not think the same thing.

However, people automatically came to the assumption that since they love Taco Bell, and they love Doritos, that this new taco can only be delicious.

I would love to conduct a study that could tabulate all of the males who went to their local taco Bell to try this taco this past weekend. And then tell me what percentage of those people have girlfriends.

It just boggles my mind that people don’t acknowledge how horrible this taco is for your health. It’s pretty much universally known that Taco Bell is unhealthy. Even the least health-conscious individuals should be able to acknowledge that. Likewise, Doritos aren’t anything you would see within the cupboard of somebody who is attempting to lose weight.

But yet, apparently when you combine these two, all concerns about health just fly out the window. I’m not even saying that it’s bad, in fact, I’m sure it’s delicious. But the fact that people have been so openly advocating this new taco concoction has surprised me. I didn’t expect that people would be jizzing their pants over this like they have been.

And that is why Taco Bell is ingenious. They pretty much have monopolized the fast food industry as far as “Mexican food” goes, (although — upstate New Yorkers will defend their Mighty Taco franchises to the death, and rightfully so), and with this move, it confirms to me that they are here to stay. They are directly appealing and manipulating the fatties of America by combining two things that are universally cherished by junk food eaters. What’s next? A burrito that is made of Cheese Doodles? Oh my God, I think I just came.

I mean, just for perspective, look at the two things that have gained nationwide buzz over the past week.

The first being the Kony video, which is attempting to spread awareness of Joseph Kony, who has been kidnapping Ugandan children and engaging them in guerrilla warfare against the Ugandan government and other areas of eastern Africa for the past 20+ years.

The second is this taco.

The difference is people will do nothing to help the cause in Uganda, but they will all eat that taco. Again, it’s harmless. This taco will have zero effect or impact on our country in any way, shape or form. It won’t even affect obesity rates, because people who eat it already like crap as it is. However, the whole thing just speaks volumes about our nation.

But you can also look at it in a good way. When a Dorito taco is the talk of the nation, you know things are going pretty well. As far as current events go, it sure beats genocide, government oppression and war.

Even writing this blog made me feel fat. I think I am going to go for a run. And then within an hour following that run, I will east something extremely unhealthy. It’s the American way.

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