Tips for avoiding a douche-free St. Patrick’s Day

Welp, it’s that time of the year again.

There are holidays that truly bring out the best in people, like Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or maybe even Earth Day, and then there are holidays that bring out the very worst in people. And that is St. Patrick’s Day.

I’d say that about 95% of our population becomes unbearable on St. Patrick’s Day. Just because it is a holiday where drinking in excess is socially acceptable, people take extreme liberties and think they could actually do whatever they want. They believe they could act like a fool in the middle of the street, and that it is fine.

But I see you. I see you, man.

There’s really not much that can be done about it. It’s going to happen. However, I could offer some words of wisdom on how you should properly behave during this weekend. If you’re smart, you’ll listen.

If you’re not Irish, don’t wear green.

I know, green is the color of St. Patrick’s Day. But, come on. Whatever happened to originality? Why do people like to do something just because everybody else around you is doing it? Do you think that people wearing green have some type of mutual understanding? Do you think that if you spot someone else with a green shirt, your eyes will lock, and you’ll nod, and you’ll form an infinite bond that will last a lifetime? No, you’re just blending into a green sea of awfulness. For once in your life, try to show some individuality. Wear red, or even orange. You don’t see much orange anymore, do you?

If you are Irish, please don’t flaunt the fact that you are actually celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.

If you think people pretending to be Irish is bad enough, then you haven’t met an actual Irish person acting like they are the “Chosen One” on St. Patrick’s Day.

First of all, no, you can’t drink more than anybody else. Being Irish doesn’t magically make your tolerance higher. it doesn’t expand your larynx, enabling you to consume more alcohol.

I know you want to show off the fact that this holiday was brought about by your people, but I’d rather you didn’t. You’re only embarrassing yourself and disgracing your heritage.

Please don’t customize a shirt.

I can flat-out guarantee, right now, that you will see a shirt that says something along the lines of “Everybody’s Irish on St. Patrick’s Day!”

Firstly, you’re wasting a shirt. There are starving children in Cambodia right now who would do anything for a piece of cloth to cover their bare chest, and you are wasting a shirt by writing some overdone, unfunny, and asinine slogan on it. I can assure you, whatever slogan you come up with, it’s stupid.

People who customize their own shirts  are basically competing in their own “worst person in America” contest.

Along those lines, no other green accessories either, please.

If you’re thinking about wearing green beads around your neck, or a top hat, or a four-leaf clover sticker on your cheek, just don’t. I know you’ll put them on and look in the mirror the morning before you go out. One half of you will say, “This doesn’t look half bad,” and the other half will say, “You look retarded.”

The second one is right. Always.

Don’t drink Irish Car Bombs right off the bat.

This is probably the first actual practical advice I’m giving. But trust me, it’s for selfish reasons.

It’s only natural that, on St. Patrick’s Day, people will burst into the bar and say “Yooo brahs, Irish Car Bombs, let’s do it!” And then all his other degenerate friends will yell in agreement like a pack of savages.

Well, two hours later, you are the ones lying face down in an alley. People are stupid. They think that just because it is a holiday, that their tolerance will increase. No, they won’t. You’ll be drunk in the same amount of time. So if you start drinking at noon, and keep doing Irish Car Bombs, among other shots, you are going to be shitfaced by 3 p.m., and you’ll have wasted the entire day.

Also, by being overly drunk, you’ll just make life worse for me, along with everybody else. Be smart, stick to beer, and wait until the sun has actually begun its downward descent to do your first Irish Car Bomb. Trust me on this one.

Stay. Away. From. New. York. City.

“Yo, we’re older, we’re cool now, so I guess we should go to the city for St. Patrick’s Day, right? I mean, that’s where it will all be happening.”

– dumb person.

Amateurs will flood the city streets this weekend, thinking that it’s the place to be. They won’t have a plan, they’ll just wing it, and figure that everything will turn out okay. Well, guess what? Eight-million other people also thought the same thing.

But if you enjoy crowded areas, $9 beers, $20 covers to get into bars, then yeah, go to the city!

In conclusion

Pretty much everything that you are thinking about doing this weekend, well, do the opposite, and you’ll be okay.

There you go. I truly hope I helped, and that in a small way — some small, miniscule way — I may have made this St. Patrick’s Day weekend better for just one single person. Then I’ll know that I have done my part in helping the world.

As for me? I’m getting the hell out of New York and making my way to Washington D.C. for St. Patrick’s Day weekend.

That’s right. For at least one weekend, while overly intoxicated, I will be in the same city as Barack Obama. There is every chance I somehow get myself labeled as a security threat to this country.

Every chance.


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