Someone needs to win the Mega Millions just I can stop hearing about it

I must apologize for not blogging yesterday. I was feeling quite under the weather, and was bedridden for the majority of the day. My creativity and thought-process was simply nonexistent. Today, however, I am feeling better. So let’s do this.

Last time I checked, — which was never, but I hear about it involuntarily through word of mouth — the Lottery Mega Millions jackpot is now in excess of $500 million, the highest ever total.

During the past week or so, as the Mega Millions kept eclipsing towards extravagant values, I keep hearing people talk about how they are going to buy a ticket. Likewise, I also have seen many Facebook posts on the topic.

A simple Internet search tells me that the odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot are approximately 176 million to one. I can throw a bunch of statistics at you, like the fact that you are more likely to get eaten polar bear sometime this week then winning the lottery, or that you’re more likely to get into a fatal car accident on the way to buying your lottery ticket. But I will refrain.

But here is something I will say. The odds are infinitely better for you to actually do a little bit of research and invest your money into something that can earn you some profit. The stock market is a very credible outlet for the business and financial savvy to wisely gamble their money in. At least in this case, you have a semblance control of what you are putting your money into. If you’re smart, and thorough, you will follow the market day-by-day to analyze trends, and know when it is the best time go all-in, or all-out.

Although, God forbid, who in their right mind ever wants to conduct a little bit of research? With the lottery, all you have to do is circle six numbers and you’re done! Even an idiot can do that!

The thing that humors me the most about the mega jackpot is how so many people think they actually have a chance of winning.

Whenever the Mega Millions resets, it starts off at about $10 million. When it’s at that sum, you never hear people talking about it. People wait until it surpasses $100 million before they get in on it. What, is $10 million not enough money for you? Is that chump change? It’s not worth it?

When the jackpot is so high, it means that more people are trying to get on it, and therefore, there are more people who are competing for the money. The more people, the worse the odds. So your statistical chances of actually winning the lottery are never worse than when it is at its maximum jackpot. And yet, it’s the time when the most people are interested in it.

Of  course, you have no chance of winning whether it’s $550 million or $10 million, so it doesn’t even matter.

You want to know how many times I have played the Mega Millions in my life?

Right now I am holding the tip of my thumb and index figure together to form a circle, or zero. But you can’t see it. But I have never played it. Not once. It’s not because I think I am too good for it, but it’s because I think there are a lot more superior ways to spend my time than buying a lottery ticket. Yes I know that purchasing a ticket only takes five minutes, but I can think of much more productive things to do in five minutes.

For example, urinating is more productive for my life than buying a lottery ticket. Reading an article on the Internet is more productive. Stopping at the ATM is more productive. I choose to do those things instead.

Occasionally, I will buy the “Win for Life” scratch-off cards, because I think those are actually fun. Instead of just randomly picking six numbers and looking in the newspaper the next day, with the scratch-off card, you get to slowly scratch off each number one-by-one, and watch in suspense as you hope the number you are scratching will result in money. It’s a thrill.

And, one out of five times, when you actually win something, and wait until the end to scratch off your prize, it’s just as thrilling as getting a blowjob. You have no idea what that hidden number contains, but you do know, that whatever it is, it’s yours. Pretty much 99% of the time it is $2.00, but hey, at least you won something.

The last funny part about all of this, is that when somebody finally does win the $500 million jackpot, people will actually become disappointed, as if they had a 1 in 2 chance of winning and just barely lost, as opposed to 1 in 176,000,000.

And then when the winner’s life story is revealed, no matter what it is, whether he or she is poor, middle-class, upper class, a teacher, a cop, an accountant, a prostitute, people will say “That’s who won?! Are you kidding? That’s the last person who deserves to win the jackpot!”

As for me? I secretly hope that it’s a blogger who wins the jackpot. We don’t get enough love. I also hope it’s a girl blogger. And that she looks like how Jennifer Lawrence does on the recent cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

Have a good weekend. And for you mega millionaire hopefuls, may the odds be ever in your favor.

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