The Facebook Timeline sure has made people feel artsy, hasn’t it?

I’ve already expressed that I really have no problem with Facebook’s Timeline feature. It humors me how there are so many people who pretend like they are strongly against it. At the end of the day, who really cares? Facebook will still be your outlet to bitch, moan, self-aggrandize and post drunk photos. The Timeline won’t change that.

I enjoy the Timeline because I like the easy accessibility to various parts of my life. If I want to go all nostalgic and see what I was up to in 2005, I can do so in a matter of seconds.

The biggest change that the Timeline has brought upon us, though, is the aesthetics of our personal Facebook page. The old format was fairly simple — a box in the corner with your photo, and then the your basic information next to it, and your entire wall below it. That was it.

But now, everything is kind of all over the place. Our personal profile photo is also smaller, and surrounding it is a giant mammoth of a space that really gives us a lot of freedom to put whatever the heck we wish there.

Initially, I noticed a lot of people were putting a landscape that they had once taken a picture of. It adds a nice contrast to your photo picture and makes your page look more inviting.

However, now that the Timeline has settled in, and more people are becoming accustomed to it, I’ve noticed that people are starting to go in a different direction. Everyone is now trying their hardest to showcase their artistic side.

Let’s face it — we all know that Facebook profiles have officially become an extension of our personalities. Whenever we meet someone, and subsequently “friend” them, we make a habit of conducting a brief examination of their Facebook page. In about a two or three-minute span, we will look at their profile pictures, recent photos, recent Facebook statuses, and the last couple people who posted on their wall. Not only that, but we will check to see how often these things occur. In that brief investigation, we will draw a number of conclusions on that person.

Well, what better way to portray yourself then by a photo? Given the enormous size of the “cover” photo, we know that it is the first thing that people will notice when they access our pages.

So now I have seen plenty of people post some overly artistic photo that attempts to show off their creativity as a means of promoting their colorful personalities.

By artistic, I mean that people have been posting vivid silhouettes of the setting sun over a building, or blurred out images of them running on a beach, or wide-angle shots of them lying in the grass. It’s like everyone thinks they are Claude freaking Monet.

In fact, I truly believe its gotten to the point where people are thinking in terms of Timeline photos when they are out and about. One may notice a particularly pleasant-looking scene, and decide that this could make for a quality cover photo. So they’ll not only ask their friend to take a photo, but they’ll make sure they stand somewhere and hold a facial expression that makes it seem like they are completely oblivious that a photo is actually being taken.

Trust me. You’re fooling no one.

In fact, the reason I am so firmly aware of this phenomena is because I am guilty of it myself. I was in Prospect Park in Brooklyn on Sunday, and I made my friend snatch a photo.

Don’t tell me that’s not a great picture.

Everyone likes to think that they have some type of innate artistic gift inside of them, and that they can use it to impress people. But, even though everybody thinks this, most people do not. If you are on drugs than perhaps it is a different story, but for the most part, all of us see things simply for what they are — and nothing else.

The point is, I don’t go to your Timeline page to see some landscape shot of a meadow. I’m going there because I want to see what you look like. If I want to know what a plant looks like, I’ll look out my window.

I get that you want to be artsy, I get that you want to stand out (or dare I say it, be quirky), but, if you want to do that, then go to art school. Go to art school and watch your career amount to nothing because, come on, it’s art school.

I don’t think that Mark Zuckerberg predicted — when he instituted the Timeline and thought of adding cover photos — that he was encouraging everyone to seek their inner Picasso. A rare error in foresight for Mark.

And, again, trust me. When guys look for certain qualities in girls — artistic abilities does not top the priorities list.

The most perfect face in England

It doesn’t happen very often, but whenever a girl tells me that I am “cute,” it gives me gigantic ego boost.  Ideally the compliment will come from an attractive female, but I’ll take it from any one, really.

When it does happen, it makes me feel very confident in my appearance, and it will give me an unearned sense of entitlement. Basically, for a few hours, I’ll be walking around like I am a supermodel.

It’s human nature to enjoy being complimented. It’s nice to be told that you are smart, that you are nice, or that you are friendly.

However, it’s a different animal to be told that you are good-looking. You can work hard and improve your intelligence, your personality or your manners, but you can’t really change what you look like. So to have outside confirmation that you are, indeed, attractive, might be the best compliment that we can receive. At least for our ego’s sake.

So, if being told that I am cute gives me a confidence boost for a few hours, then imagine being told that you are the most “perfect” looking person in an entire country.

I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, Florence Colgate.

According to a study conducted by a British television program, Colgate, who is 18-years-old, and works as a waitress, was chosen among 8,000 entrants as having the most beautiful face in the country. 

According to the article, the study was done scientifically. Meaning, actual scientists and mathematicians measured the proportions of her face, the symmetry of her features, and the dimensions of her head, to determine that she is indeed the epitome of true beauty.

A woman’s face is said to be most attractive when the space between her pupils is just under half the width of her face from ear to ear. Florence scores a 44 percent ratio. Experts also believe the relative distance between eyes and mouth should be just over a third of the measurement from hairline to chin. Florence’s ratio is 32.8 percent.

I mean, let’s face it, I don’t care what numbers you throw at me — beauty is subjective. And perfect beauty is a hell of a lot more subjective. Everybody in this world has different tastes.

That being said, I really can’t argue with the choice of Florence Colgate. In fact, I think she was a solid choice. I’ve seen prettier girls than her before. However, by just looking at her face, one glance tells me that she is universally beautiful. Her face is so aesthetically pleasing to view, that I don’t think there is one person in this world — regardless of their individual tastes — that can’t admit that she is a beautiful girl.

Also, you can tell that she doesn’t even really need makeup. She’s the ultimate “girl next door.” Although, she is English, so for us Americans, we’d have to cross an entire ocean to get to her door. Not that I had any intentions to seek out her door, anyway. Where is this going?

But getting back to my original point. I said how much of an ego boost I receive when one single person tells me I’m good-looking. Well, when you get selected out of 8,000 entrants, and given the title of “Britain’s most beautiful face,” and have articles written about you, what is there really left to accomplish in life? What other validation do you possibly need to know that you are, in fact, good-looking?

If I were her, I would seriously put that on my resume. I’d put it down after “waitressing,” “earning a 2.8 grade-point-average in community college,” and “efficient in Microsoft Power Point.” Once you read “declared Britain’s most perfect face,” it’s over. You’ve got the job.

I don’t know Florence Colgate, nor will I ever, but I bet she is the sweetest young lady in the world. I bet this will not get to her head, that she will still continue to volunteer at soup kitchens, and that she will help old ladies cross the street regularly. And that’s why she deserves this title.

But I’m not as good of a person as Ms. Colgate. So if it were me, I wouldn’t even look at other people. If I had the most beautiful face in the country, I wouldn’t even give people the right to look squarely at me.

So it’s probably a good thing that my eyes and nose are not as symmetrical as they optimally could be.

But you know what? I’ll still settle for being called “cute” every few months.

Even if it’s by my mom.

Is there such a thing as too quirky?

Somewhere along the early 2000s, quirkiness invaded America. It’s like how the pilgrims all came over on the Mayflower from England to Massachusetts in the 17th century. Well, sometime in the last 10 years, a boat full of quirky people came over and landed in Hollywood.

When quirky actors like Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg first entered the business, they soared, because people could not get enough of their quirkiness.

In fact, their quirkiness has even influenced people to seek out their own individual quirks. Have you ever noticed how people become infatuated with their unique traits? Let’s face it — most of us are dull and boring. So when we actually have a physical characteristic that makes us stand out, we embrace the shit out of it.

For example, I have some weird bone structure in my right hand where I can not bend my right thumb without also bending my right index finger. It’s really odd, and the phenomenon only exists on my right hand. I discovered this when I was about 16, and nine years later I have only met two other people who share this same trait.

So whenever I hear somebody talk about some weird ability that they have, I don’t even listen to what they say, and I just wait until they stop talking so that I can share my weird bone structured right hand.

And I see it all the time. People are obsessed with their own quirks, and it’s Hollywood that has ingrained in us a belief that our quirkiness is what makes us who we really are.

But is there such a thing as “too quirky?” Can somebody be so unique, so open-minded, so awkward that it actually becomes annoying?

To enhance my argument, I look at the queen of quirk, one Zooey Deschanel. She’s been quirky in a bunch of movies. In fact, Deschanel was so popular at first that I am convinced that movies have been made to adapt to her quirkiness. Screenwriters write parts and intentionally make them quirky with the hope of casting her.

And then she was quirky in television shows, like her new show on FOX.

And now, she’s quirky in commercials.

So the big question that remains is whether one can outdo their own quirkiness. In fact, in Zooey’s case, Saturday Night Live has actually developed a skit, called “Being Quirky with Zooey Deschanel,” which mocks her quirkiness. And to make matters worse, Deschanel recently hosted the show and participated in the sketch! She’s so quirky that she actively participated in the mocking of her own quirkiness!

What do I think? I think that there is no such thing as too quirky. In fact, I think that Zooey Deschanel is so quirky that her quirkiness has actually wrapped around in a circle and that she is actually suave and shrewd.

In all seriousness though, I think the key is to just have the right amount of quirkiness and eccentricity. You want to be unique and different, but just to an extent. I’m sure that Zooey Deschanel, as a person, isn’t quirky all of the time. But she definitely is in all of her movies and television shows. And that is why I think some people may be starting to become bored with it.

And just in case you were wondering, I have said some variation of the word “quirky” 27 different times in this particular blog. Now 28.

So my advice to everyone is to be yourself. But not too much.

Has pop music been salvaged?

I feel like every six months I write a post about how pop music may finally be becoming respectable, only to see it go down the shitter again a few weeks later.

I don’t normally discuss the type of music I listen to on this blog, but I definitely do not to listen to pop music. In fact, I don’t even listen to the radio. I enjoy seeking out my own music and I strictly listen to my iPod. At least once a week I check out indie music blogs so I could learn of a few new bands to listen to. Call me a hipster if you wish.

That being said, I certainly like to follow pop culture, which includes pop music. I like keeping tabs on what the majority of America is listening to, and I enjoy being extremely judgmental about it. Just one glance at the Billboard Hot 100 usually gives me a feeling of superiority, when I witness the atrocities that reside on that list.

However, I looked today, and I must admit, I see a vast improvement. Now the Hot 100 will never be something I look at with firm approval, but given what is usually on there, I can occasionally look and be pleasantly surprised by what I see. Which includes today. Let’s take a look at the top ten.

It’ll probably look small, so just click on it to see it enlarged (no, that’s not what she said.)

First, let me skip straight to #8. I first heard the song “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen about a week ago, when I happened to stumble upon it on the radio (okay fine, very, very occasionally, when I accidentally leave my iPod at home, I will listen to the radio), and when I heard it, all I could think of was that this sounded like a pop song that would have come out during the 90s.

After about a week, I couldn’t stop thinking about the song. I couldn’t even remember how it went, to be honest, but I knew that it was something that was upbeat and catchy. So recently I looked the video up on YouTube, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that Carly Rae is extremely hot, bordering on gorgeous. She’s also a little older than you’d expect an emerging pop star to be, at 26.

I mean, just listen to this song, and I dare you to tell me that you hate it.

When you combine the hotness of the singer, the sexiness of her voice, the poppy, upbeat, playful sound, and the overall catchyness, then I can safely say that if any song ever had to be exposed to me at length by the mass media — I’m glad it’s this.

Repsen, who came in third place on Canadian Idol a few years ago, saw her career flat lining until recently when — who else — fellow Canadian singer Justin Bieber tweeted about her song, and within a week, she blew up. I swear, Justin Bieber seriously controls our country. It’s only a matter of time until he gives political endorsements.

Another thing I am pleased with in the top 10 is that for the first time in about 15 years, the top two songs are by genuinely good singers/musicians. Somebody Who I Used to Know, by an Australian singer-songwriter named Gotye, is a freaking good song. The whole album is good actually. Everybody probably knows the song by now, but it’s good to see a genuinely good musician getting his props.

Also, everybody probably knows that song by Fun., called “We Are Young.” To  be honest, I’m not too big on that song. But I like the band. I was a big fan of their first album, Aim and Ignite, which has a ton of good songs. They’re pop music to a T, but that doesn’t mean they’re not quality. In fact, I have tickets to see them live in July.

As for the rest of the list, this may be the first time ever that two boy bands are in the top 10 since the days of the Backstreet Boys and *NSync.

Both One Direction and The Wanted are European boy bands. The latter are English, and the former are English and Irish. Now, I have to be honest here. I thought the golden age of music existed when BsB and *NSync were on top of their games, and thus, I have absolutely no problem with the presence of these two groups on the list. As the case with Carly Rae Jepsen, if I am going to be exposed to something — I can live with this.

I both heard this song and watched this video for the time last night, and I was laughing the entire time. Not because it’s awful, but because it’s just humorous to see teenagers hopping around on a beach singing about how beautiful girls are. It’s pretty funny how easy is to manipulate girls into liking a band. Just take five dudes, tell them not to get a haircut for six months, some of them get earrings, some bleach their hair, and then sing about girls = platinum.

The rest of the list is pretty much garbage. I don’t think there’s been a top-10 list in the past five years that didn’t have either Bieber, Katy Perry, Lady GaGa and some awful rap music on it, and that pretty much comprises the rest of the top 10. Plus Kelly Clarkson.

Another thing about this list that I thought was interesting:

Gotye: Australian
Fun.: American
The Wanted: Irish/English
One Direction: English
Bieber: Canadian
Flo Rida: Who cares
Nicki Minaj: Alien
Rest of list can go die.

The majority of the top 10 aren’t even from America. I guess that is the old Beatles effect, where some musicians come over from a different country, and the mystery and intrigue of their foreignness immediately appeals to us. I think that’s the case for non-musicians too, actually. Just talk to a girl in a British accent and her pants automatically come off.

Anyway, the point is that for the first time in a long time, popular music may actually be slightly tolerable, which from me, is an enormous compliment.

And from now on, whenever you read my blog, I want all the females to envision everything what I say in a British accent.

So girls, read my blog, maybe.

Did you ever wish Barbie was real? Well, be careful what you wish for.

During childhood, every boy learns about the Barbie doll. Not because we personally owned one, but because we may have had sisters’ who owned one, or female friends who owned one, perhaps they were located in kindergarten classrooms, or we may have learned about them from television commercials. Whatever reason, we know what they are, as Barbie dolls have long been a cultural staple.

I say that boys never owned Barbie dolls because, well, it’s true. Boys play with action figures. And not necessarily because we preferred to — we probably did — but it’s what our parents buy for us. If you have a daughter, you buys her dolls, and if you have a son, you buy him action figures. It’s common protocol. I don’t need to be a father to confirm that.

I know we live in a liberal age now, and I am completely accepting and appreciative of that, but even today, no father is going to buy their son a Barbie doll. I don’t care how much they reach for it in a toy store. If they see that happen, then they are going to make a beeline straight for the G.I. Joe department.

But anyway, as I said, every young boy is familiar with Barbie dolls. And I know that when we’re 5, 6 and 7, we have yet to develop any libido whatsoever, and don’t even think in terms of being attracted to the opposite sex. But, if you’ve never taken the clothes off of a Barbie doll at any point in your life out of curiosity, then you never had a childhood.

Barbie dolls are like designed to be the supermodels of toys. Their figure is absolutely unattainable. With the bleach blond hair, slender waistline and plus cup size, the Barbie doll instills a notion in young boys and girls of what is deemed as culturally beautiful.

If you want to ever place blame on why teenage girls, or any girls for that matter, think they need to be anorexic to be beautiful, well, look no further than the Barbie doll.

I mean, come on, if you saw a real-life girl walking down the street who looked exactly like that, you would think, “that girl is probably an enormous spoiled brat. And yet, I would still unquestionably sleep with her.”

Barbie dolls teach us that at young ages. We don’t realize it at the time, but we are being instilled with an image of what beauty is supposed to look like.

So that being said, who wouldn’t wish that Barbie was real? Blonde, thin and curvacious? Sign me up.

Well, it’s happened.

Ukrainian model Valeria Lukyanova is a living doll. The 21-year-old has used plastic surgery as well as everyday cosmetics to transform herself into a real-life Barbie.

Lukyanova has big, glassy eyes, long blonde hair, an ample bosom and a tiny carved waist. Her Facebook page features tens of photos of her astonishing Barbie-like body and face. In her YouTube videos, she reveals that she uses opaque lenses to achieve that glassy, wide-eyed look of a doll. She also shows off some interesting makeup styles that echo Barbie, like porcelain skin and glossy bow lips.

Sorry, but forget anything I’ve ever wished for, because this is just creepy as hell.

I understand how a women may wish to emulate Barbie, by dressing like her, or bleaching her hair, or maybe even just doing it for Halloween. But to actually surgically reconstruct your body? That’s just insane.

Also, to walk around with that dull, lifeless expression just makes me think of her as subhuman. I bet she was banging before she decided to screw around with her body too. What a shame. I think Lukyanova would have been better suited to try to resemble Barbie, and not do everything in her power to actually become her.

And this is a prime example of why you should never wish for things. There’s a reason why Barbie dolls are just that — dolls. As far as attractiveness, I’d say that human females have a slight edge.

I wonder what kind of surgical procedure I would have to perform to become a real life Ken?

Time to do some research.

The art of courting females

Now I don’t pretend that I am some type of player. I don’t hit up bars every night trying to seek out women, and when I do, I usually am unsuccessful. Like any guy, you win some, you lose some, and you move on.

That being said, I like to think that I am fairly intuitive when it comes to human interaction, particular interactions between men and women. For me it is fairly obvious to see when there is chemistry between two members of the opposite sex. I can usually tell within a couple of minutes. Whether I am involved, or its two other people and I’m on the outside, there are plenty of small signals I observe that tip people’s hands.

I am 25 years old, I am in pretty decent shape, and I have been told that I have a relatively nice smile. I know I am not the best looking guy in the world, but I have enough confidence in my physical appearance and my personality to think that I meet many girls’ qualifications, even if I just barely meet them. So, all of that, combined with my secure job and financial situation adds up to the fact that I may be in the prime of my life right now when it comes to courting women. But that’s not necessarily saying much.

Picking up girls is not easy. As I just mentioned, the key is having confidence. I know it sounds extremely cliché, but the first thing a girl senses about a guy is his confidence level. So before you even begin trying to meet girls, try to tie up the loose ends in your life that make you feel insecure. Whether it’s weight issues, not having a good job, or not having a good living situation, whatever. Once you fix those things, it will make you happier with your life and have a positive impact on every other aspect, including your ability to attract women.

But anyway, once you are confident, then you can try your hand at meeting girls. Like I said, I’m a fairly intuitive person, so I have the process pretty much down to a science, and I’m going to enlighten you all into that process. So let’s go.

The encounter.

Interestingly, the first step to courting females is the probably the most difficult — finding the right way to open up the conversation. When you’re at a bar, you’re surrounded by people, but you know nothing about them. They become characters in your head, and you’ll form judgments and opinions solely based on how they are dressed and how they behave. But until you actually meet them, they’re only just characters. Nothing else.

One of the hardest things to do is approach a complete stranger at a bar. Because let’s face it, if you approach a girl, she knows that you are doing it for one reason: to court her. So she will make an immediate judgment right on the spot as to whether you are worth her time. It’s pretty intimidating and it puts a lot of pressure on both people. This is why I usually don’t try to approach girls who are complete strangers.

However, I think the key is to avoid using corny pickup lines. Instead, try to find an innocent way to engage her. Think of an icebreaker that doesn’t make it obvious what your intentions are. I know its vague advice, but try to notice something within your bar that could lead to an interesting conversation, and find some way to translate that towards a potential conversation. One time, I noticed that I was among several dozen people in a bar wearing a plaid shirt. So I jokingly went up to an attractive girl and asked her opinion on whether plaid shirts are becoming too redundant. It was good because I was mocking myself in an endearing way, and at the same time, talking about something that was currently happening around us.

Obviously the ideal situation is when you are being introduced to a person by a mutual friend. That way, icebreakers are completely unnecessary, your intentions are ambiguous, and you pretty much skip right to step #2.

It sounds basic, but meeting girls is contingent on getting the girl to actually know you exist. Just accomplishing that is a step in itself. But then there is still a lot more work to do.

Be interesting.

Naturally, there are obvious things that are going to come up in conversation with a girl. You’ll talk about where you live, and what you do for a living. That’s fine. It’s the first thing that should come up. But instead of asking dull questions like “Oh, how do you like your job?”, try to think of something that is actually interesting.

If she’s a schoolteacher, try to think of some type of factoid you may have learned recently about teachers or schools. Or say something about the subject that she teaches. Girls like people who know things. This way, you’re prolonging the conversation while showcasing your knowledge on certain subjects. How do you accomplish this? By actually listening to what she says, dummy.

Make her laugh.

I’m not saying you have to become a comedian, and there is also such a thing as trying too hard to be funny, but if you don’t make her laugh at least one time, then you don’t have a chance. Laughing is the ultimate indication that somebody is having a good time. When have you ever laughed while you were in a bad mood? If you make her laugh, it’ll suddenly occur to her that she is having a good time, and that the good time is a direct result of you. It will mean something, trust me.

Be a gentleman.

This is key, because I would never want to aid someone who is simply looking just to “score,” and nothing else. It’s one thing to get a girl, but it takes a real gentlemen to get a girl to really appreciate you as a person, and that is only accomplished by being respectful. You can throw cheesy lines around, or throw money at her, but in the grand scheme of things, that means nothing. Being chivalrous and gallant, on the other hand, is the thing that will resonate the most in a girl’s mind. So make sure that you are polite, modest and that you make an effort to get to know her friends as well. That will also highlight your abilities to mesh with all people.

If I see a beautiful girl, I want her to know that I am a multi-layered individual who treats all people how they deserve to be treated. If I don’t get that across, I’ve failed.

Oh, and don’t be an idiot. Remember her freaking name. Even if you have to repeat it in your head 500 times during the conversation to remember, that’s fine. Just remember it. No matter how much progress you’ve made, the moment you forget her name, it’s over.

Look for the signs.

Some signs are more obvious than others. If she is interested in maintaining conversation with you, then that’s obviously a good sign — especially if she’s the one who keeps bringing up new topics to discuss. Likewise, if she continuously asks you about certain details of your life, then that means she is interested in you. It’s a really good thing.

Conversely, if she uses the first opportunity to end the conversation — like for instance, if a third party member walked over and joined the conversation, and the girl immediately focused all attention towards the new entrant — then you’re done. It means that she was looking for an out, and she got it. In that case, just count your losses and move on.

Other signs include eye contact, attention and physical contact.

Obviously she is going to look at you while she talks, but how long is she maintaining eye contact? If she keeps looking at you even after she finishes talking, it’s a very good thing.

Also, do you have her full attention? If she keeps looking around at other people, or if every few minutes she says something to one of her friends, then that usually means that she is simply talking to you to be courteous. But if she is only looking at you, and for the most part disregarding everyone else, then you’re probably in.

Lastly, if she touches you a lot, like taps your shoulder while making a point, or leans into you at times during the conversation, even if it’s subtle, then trust me, it’s premeditated. Girls don’t touch random guys for no reason. In fact, they go out of their way not to. If she has no qualms putting her hand on you, then that’s almost a surefire sign that she likes you. And that’s when you know you can keep going.

Buy her a drink.

This should be pretty obvious. Girls like nothing worse than someone who is insecure financially. And I don’t mean someone who doesn’t make a lot of money (if she does judge you on that, she’s not worth it.) But girls definitely don’t like guys who are overly frugal with money.

And come on, a drink is $5 dollars. Maybe $8 depending on what she is drinking. Offer to buy her a drink, and don’t even hesitate when she initially tries to refuse. Don’t take no for an answer. And as another tip, order two of whatever she has and drink one yourself. It gives you another topic of conversation, makes it appear that you have similar tastes, and subtly shows that you are accepting of her lifestyle choices. Also, if she has a close friend that you’ve met already, offer to buy her a drink too. She’ll like that.

From verbal to physical.

Aside from the icebreaker, this is the most difficult part of the courting process. The transition. You’ve been talking to her for a while, but how do you take it a step further? Obviously it varies depending on what you are aiming for. A good strategy is to find things you have in common. Like, for instance, places around the neighborhood that you both like. When it comes up, hint that you would like to go there with her one time. That could lead to her sharing her phone number.

Having alcohol in your system will obviously play a factor, and could lead to a little more boldness. One thing that you definitely need to do is tell her how pretty you think she is. It’s corny to tell a girl she is beautiful, but however she reacts, she’ll like it. There’s not a girl on earth who isn’t flattered by the notion of being told that she is beautiful. Plus, if she likes you, that statement will make your intentions really clear. If she is receptive towards your compliment, then I think you’re 99% home, and can safely move in for a kiss.

Another strategy that I have found that works more often than you’d think is to simply be forthcoming and honest with what you want to do. If you want to kiss her, just say so. Try to get across that you know it’s very forward, but that you have an overwhelming urge to kiss her, and hope that she feels the same way. If she does, then she’ll reciprocate, and if she doesn’t, then you probably never had a chance to begin with.

Again, I know I am using words like “strategy” like this is all some type of game, and that guys and girls are the “players,” but I need to repeat for emphasis that I do not approve of using this advice simply just to “get in a girl’s pants.” This is solely for a girl who you admire, respect and are attracted to, and who you want to get to know because of that. Granted, it’s hard to gain that admiration in just a couple of hours of talking at a bar, but it’s human nature to want to meet and become acquainted with a beautiful girl at a bar. Why else do we go to bars and drink? It’s because there is a conglomeration of men and women there who want nothing more than to be swept off their feet by a member of the opposite sex.

I want you to be that person.

In conclusion.

Again, all of this is not applicable unless you are happy with the person that you are. The biggest key to life is to find some substance that makes you happy day in and day out. Find your meaning.

If you can do that, it will lead to a feeling of contentment that will resonate through every bone in your body. Once you’ve hit that point, then you’re ready to take on the world. There’s a smorgasbord of people out there who you can meet and share your experiences with. Make yourself known. Make them feel privileged that they are having the opportunity to meet you.

There are billions of people in the world. But there’s only one you.

Make it count.

There’s a spider in my room.

One of the biggest mysteries in human interaction, to me, is how long it takes into a relationship to truly know someone.

First let me be clear. By relationship, I don’t just mean boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean any human relationship. Whether it is family, friends, coworkers, classmates, etc. Basically, any bond you form between another person.

We meet people all the time, but we don’t truly meet them. Whenever you are acquainting yourself with a new person, it’s only natural that you are going to act differently than you normally do. I’m not saying you’re going to become a different person — but you’re going to make sure your best qualities come to the forefront.

You are going to be polite, you are going to listen, and you are going to be friendly.

But the more time we spend with someone, the more we discover about them, and it’s those details and intricacies we learn that formulate who a person really is.

But what is that breaking point? Is it the first time you see them drunk? The first time you see them deal with adversity? Or the first time you really learn something intimate and personal about their life?

It’s like on a first date… you’re going to try as hard as you possibly can to keep all your bad qualities away, as you try to present the best possible image of yourself. But the more times you see each other, the more difficult that becomes. You can’t hide your true colors forever.

And I’m not being cynical and saying that everyone’s “true colors” are bad, but it’s only inevitable that everyone in this world has qualities that will annoy other people. Nobody is perfect. Except me.

So again, what is it? What is the context when the walls finally come down, and you actually see someone for the first time.

Well I think I know.

It’s how they react when there is a spider in their bedroom.

I can’t speak for everyone, but that won’t stop me from trying. As children, we were mortally afraid of spiders. Have you ever seen a 6-year-old look up, spot a spider chilling on his ceiling, and then coolly grab a tissue, stand on a chair, kill the spider, flush it down the toilet and then return to his room like nothing ever happened? Of course not.

The moment they lay eyes on that 8-legged critter, they’re going to bolt out of their room, scream for their mom and dad, and not reenter their room until one of their parents has not only removed the spider, but flushed it down the toilet.

I’m not going to lie — I behaved this way until I was about 15.

It’s a very telling characteristic about a person. Let’s face it, if you can’t handle the emotional toils that come with dealing with a spider — something that is the size of your freaking fingernail, then how the heck do I expect you to react in a situation where actual danger is involved?

Sorry, but if I am with a girl who is in her mid-20s, and she becomes terrified at the sight of a spider, it is going to be a little bit of a red flag for me. It will tell me a considerable amount about that person.

It just doesn’t make sense to be legitimately afraid of something that can be killed with an actual flick of your fingers.

Now, I’m 25 years old, and my fear for spiders has all but evaporated. I have no problem killing them myself, and on days when I am feeling charitable, I will even throw them outside and allow them to live long and happy spider lives.

And right now, as I type this, there is a spider in my room. It’s sitting on the corner where the wall meets the ceiling, and it is directly in front of me. I’m not afraid of it, but I keep checking every couple of minutes to make sure it’s still there. The sight of a spider in motion, moving it’s eight legs to crawl across the wall, does still give me a little bit of the willies. But as long as it’s stationary, we’re cool.

I actually first spotted this spider about two or three days ago. It’s pretty easy to tell that it’s the same one. I saw it right before I was about to leave my house, and I didn’t have time to do anything about it. When I returned home, it was gone. And now, it has resurfaced, and it’s maybe five feet to the right of where I first saw it.

That means that this spider has moved about five feet in 72 hours. God, what a life. I seriously could not be more envious.

So what am I going to do? Since I know that this spider is extremely immobile, and since it’s on the wall opposite my bed, I think I’m just going to let him chill there. It doesn’t appear that he wishes to do me any harm. And yeah, I’ve decided that it is a he.

Not to get all philosophical here, but does it ever occur to anybody, then when you kill a spider — or any bug, really — you’re ending a life? A very irrelevant life (no offense, spidey), but a life nonetheless. I suppose it’s a pretty unmanly thing to think. It’s also probably why I never go fishing.

However, that’s the way nature works. Survival of the fittest. It is how humans became the predominant creatures, after all. Well, that and a giant meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs.

Hopefully, if someone was making a final judgment on me based on how I react when I see a spider, they would come to the conclusion that I am a caring, thoughtful individual with a good heart. Or that I’m a pussy.

Before I go, I hope you all were aware that today was National High Five Day. This day is extra special for me because it reminds me of the most infamous high-five I have ever given. It was at the end of a first date, after I had already given a hug. I foolishly stuck my hand in the air, suggesting a high-five, which was reciprocated. It wasn’t until hours later when I realized the consequences of my actions.

People, do not make the same mistake I did. Don’t ever, EVER, go for the high-five on a first date.

It’s the number one surefire way to die alone.

10.. 9… 8…7… eh — you get the point. Dick Clark’s dead.

The transition from 2012 to 2013 will be a little less Dick Clarkish this year.

Actually, scratch that. Dick Clark may have officially died today, but the guy checked out a good three or four years ago. Seriously, I love Dick, but if you search the word “stroke” on his Wikipedia page, you get 16 results.

The goal for all of us in life is to succeed in our craft, possibly even get to the top if possible, but then to know when it’s time to call it quits. Dick Clark easily accomplished the first half of that. As far as becoming a media personality, he was the guy. Whatever Ryan Seacrest is now, Dick Clark was the straighter, slicker, funnier and more jovial version. The dude did his job better than anyone.

Now I’m not blaming Dick Clark for continuing his tradition of counting down the new year even in his final years, because I firmly believe that it wasn’t even his call. NBC executives probably invaded his house, kidnapped him, dressed him up and put him in front of a camera. They probably even told him that he was actually in the bathroom just so he didn’t freak out.

Having him appear on live television while in such ill-health was borderline inhumane. After his eleventieth stroke, couldn’t you let the guy enjoy New Years from the comfort of his own home in front of his family? Instead, you out him on TV, and the rest of America had to sympathize as we watched Dick incorrectly count down from 10 to 1. It was sad.

I think the same thing whenever I see Robert DeNiro in a movie. The guy was an absolute legend. Between Raging Bull, Goodfellas and the Godafther II, the man is unquestionably in the conversation of “who is the best actor of all time?” But he hasn’t been in a good film in about 10 years, and yet, he still keeps making movies. STOP IT, ROBERT. Don’t ruin your legacy!

But anyway, Dick Clark accomplished what everyone in America wanted to accomplish — becoming a household name. Every adult unquestionably knows who he is. Every 20-year-old absolutely should know who he is. And even most teenagers probably know, even though Clark was never really in his prime for them.

Don’t even ask why, or what the context was, but I was with two high sophomore girls when I discovered that Dick Clark died. As an experiment, I said aloud, “Oh shit, Dick Clark died!” just to see if they would know who he was.

One of them responded, “The singer?”

Then I said, “No, the guy who did New Years Eve.” Once I said that, it thankfully registered with them, and they became saddened. There is hope for the youth of America.

In today’s technological age, one of the most fascinating things about celebrity deaths is to see the public reaction. In the past, you would have to wait until you saw your friends at school to see what everybody was thinking. Today you simply log on Twitter and you can not only see what your friends are thinking, but what the entire world is thinking.

Inevitably, many jokes will be made. Is it insensitive? Sure. But let’s face it, the funniest jokes that we hear are the insensitive ones. There is no question that there is a direct correlation between funniness and inappropriateness. If you actually take offense to celebrity death jokes, then you are pretty easily offended. It’s not like we don’t have respect for the dead, but, saying a joke about someone who recently died does not make you a bad person. If the recently deceased was a cool person, then even they would laugh at it.

So that being said, here are a couple of great ones that I saw on my Twitter feed:

The second joke, of course, is in reference to Tupac’s hologram performance at Coachella, which humorously led to somebody creating a mock hologram Coachella lineup. 

The main question that probably comes to people’s minds following Dick Clark’s death is, “How are they going to do New Years Eve this year?”

Well, it will be exactly the same. There will still be some telecast in New York City, where undeserving celebrities like Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and Ashley Tisdale will be front and center. There will be a lot of underwhelming musical performances, and you are and your buddies will still be wearing stupid party hats and drinking light beer while you wait for midnight so you can pop the bottle of cheap champagne that you bought for the occasion.

Also, a common joke you hear when an old celebrity dies are references to office death pools. Well, I counter. I think that Dick Clark has been such an obvious choice for death pools for so many years now, that everyone finally said “Ah, screw it, Dick Clark should have died  by now, the man’s clearly immortal.” So everyone had already taken him off their death pools to begin with.

In all seriousness though, people only poke fun at Dick Clark because the man lived such a successful and fortunate life. He didn’t earn it because of an inheritance, or dumb luck, or because he was given a God-given talent in a certain aspect. No, he earned it because he had an great personality. How awesome is that, where you can completely make a living just for being a likable and endearing person? I think that is the real American dream.

And that’s why we mock. It’s because we love.

So rest in peace Dick, you dick.

Could we have the Rebecca Black of 2012?

You guys remember Rebecca Black?

Of course you do. You remember her because never before, in the history of the universe, has a 14-year-old girl ever emerged as one of the most hated people in America. I mean, in the aftermath of “Friday,” she was pretty much up there with Osama Bin Laden, Bernie Madoff, Lord Voldemort and anybody in this world who identifies themselves as a tea partier.

And that’s all because she was a teenager with a rich dad who released a song. Unfortunately — or fortunately — for her, the song was so indescribably bad that it became famous all over the Internet. People watched it and thought, “This is really a song?”

It’s pretty amazing that even in the age of auto-tune, Rebecca Black still sounded awful in Friday. It was pretty painful to listen to.

And in the age of YouTube and Facebook, things can go viral in a matter of seconds. Usually it’s in a good way, like how the death of the aforementioned Osama Bin Laden spread to millions and millions of people once it was made public. However, it can also work in a negative way, and that was the case for us when it came to Rebecca Black.

But, in the harsh world of the digital era, your fifteen minutes cometh, and your fifteen minutes taketh. About one year later, the girl is a mere footnote in the history of our social media age. She’s no longer relevant and she never will be. And nobody remembers her god awful song.

But earlier today, I heard a song that actually made me long for Friday.

No doubt following Rebecca Black’s cue, thousands of girls with rich fathers have probably made music videos, hoping that one of theirs will go viral and they will become successful. If Rebecca Black taught us anything, it’s that you don’t need talent, you don’t need to hone your craft, and you don’t need to actually work hard. As long as you have money, you can skip all of those minor details.

So, inevitably, another terrible song was going to become famous. It was only a matter of time. I’m not necessarily saying that this will become as big as Friday — I truly hope it won’t — but something tells me that it has a chance.

Here it is:

I mean, at least with Rebecca Black, you can tell that somebody tried to make her sound somewhat respectable. They were unsuccessful, but at least they tried.

With this “song,” I don’t think anyone spent any actual time to make any attempt to make these two girls sound better. These two girls wouldn’t even make the cut of American Idol when it comes to bad singers making it on television to provide entertainment value. It’s so monotone and so dull-sounding that it’s just plain unlistenable.

Additionally these girls aren’t hot. Sure, they’re like 13, but come on, any idiot can tell when a 13-year-old at least looks like they are going to be hot. You don’t outwardly acknowledge it, but you can tell. Meanwhile, these two girls’ faces are as dull looking as their voices.

If there is anything that social networking has promoted, it’s laziness. Additionally, things like this make me have more respect each day for artists who become famous on their own — and not through YouTube, Facebook or reality television. Even mediocre musicians like Katy Perry at least deserve that.

However, I suppose that by posting this video, I am only participating in the act of spreading it. But something tells me that you all might have ended up seeing it anyway, I just expedited the process. You heard it here first. Don’t forget it.

So I will anxiously sit back and wait to see if this song — this terrible, God forsaken song — will actually spread virally and become a YouTube sensation. Only time will tell. Which in this day and age, only means about a week or so.

Damn, no-talent shitheads like Rebecca Black and these two bitches can go viral, and my blog, which spits the truth, get’s no love. It’s okay, though. I’m not in it for the money.

I’m in it for the groupies.

Which I am still waiting for.

I love smiling. Smiling’s my favorite

I am somebody who enjoys to smile. I don’t just smile when something good happens, or when someone says something funny, I smile all the time. When I’m sitting at my desk at work, I smile. When I’m walking down the street, I smile. When I’m running on the treadmill at the gym, I smile.

It’s not because I have a mental deficiency; I just plainly enjoy being happy. I like to look acknowledge and think about the happy things in life, and very often, I like to think about recent times in my life when I was joyful. That causes me to smile.

Now, if you smile during an appropriate time — like after a joke was made, or after you and your friends just gathered around and smoked a J — no one will question it. In fact, they’ll probably be smiling too.

However, if you’re walking down the hallway completely alone, and somebody happens to see you and notice that you are smiling, they are going to think that you are senile. This happens to me very often.

Everytime someone sees me smiling, they always look at me and say, “Why are you so happy?”

I usually don’t have a specific answer for them. Most of the time, I’m not even 100% sure myself why I am smiling. So that is when I quote the movie Elf, and simply say, “I love smiling. Smiling’s my favorite!”

Although it’s a quote from a movie, I think it applies to me perfectly. I genuinely enjoy smiling. And the fact that randomly smiling will elicit so many inquiries from outside observers really says a lot about our society. Is it really that much of a stretch that I could be smiling simply because I am happy? Is that not allowed?

Most of the time, I don’t even realize I’m smiling. So other people may notice it, and only when they ask me about it will I then become aware of the fact that I am smiling.

I’m not saying that we all need to live in some type of Happy World Land and smile 24/7, but, don’t you think this world would be a better place if people smiled a little more often?

First of all, smiling makes you look more visually attractive. Smiling brings out your best features. Why do you think we all smile when we are in photos? Because we look better. I have been told, on multiple occasions, that I have a very nice smile. So then, why the hell is it so freaking bizarre if I am smiling during random parts of the day? Why do I need to justify my happiness?

In this day and age, it’s so often when you look at somebody and just see some ugly scowl on their face. It gives me the impression that  they are in a terrible mood, and that every minute of their life is a drag. Would you prefer that?

Shit, if I was walking down the block, and I passed somebody with a big ole grin on their face, my first thought wouldn’t be “Dude, why the heck are you smiling? What the hell is wrong with you?”

Instead, I would smile back. I would give him a thumbs up and I’d say, “Right on, dude!” I don’t care why he’s smiling. In fact, it’s none of my business. But I would be genuinely delighted just to see somebody happy. It would brighten my day, even if it’s just for a minute.

In a day and age where all we read about online, or hear on the news, is death, tragedy and corruption, then why the heck is it so odd if I want to enjoy the finer things in life with a smile?

And not only that, but a smile goes a long way. If you’re smiling, it gives the impression to others that you are a positive person. It’s a lot easier to make friends and meet new people when you are smiling. I can vouch for that.

If I could, and if it was socially acceptable, I would be smiling every minute of the day. Is that a little overboard? Probably. But I advise everybody to try it sometime. During random points of the day, break out a nice cheerful smile. And don’t wait until you are in front of a camera to do it.

Because when you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you.