Snooki lost 98 lbs., and the females of the world are saddened

Because I am an idiot and enjoy torturing myself, I follow Nicole Polizzi, better known as “Snooki,” on Twitter. Do I actually care about her life? No, not at all. But she is culturally relevant, and I like to stay on top of these things. It’s also interesting — since we get a skewed media perception of celebrities — to see how they act in real life. Twitter gives us some idea of that.

And I can safely conclude that Snooki’s Twitter personality is equally as annoying as her “Jersey Shore” personality.

But anyway, since I follow her on Twitter, I can verify with the non-Snooki Twitter followers that she recently lost 98 lbs. I’m sure everyone heard some type of news via the Internet that Snookie was on a furious weight-loss campaign, and apparently her goal was to lose 98 lbs. Why she chose that number, I don’t know. Perhaps it’s equal to the number of di– I mean, guys she has hooked up with. Nah, that’s unfair for me to say.

The number is probably higher.

How she lost the weight, I don’t know and don’t care. Maybe she took weight loss pills, perhaps she actually exercised and maintained a nutritional, well-balanced diet, or more likely, she regularly inhaled cocaine.

Regardless, here is what Snooki looks like, before and after the weight loss.

Now, here are the typical reactions that will come from this. First let’s start with the guys’ reaction:

“Yeah, she look alright. If she was a random chick, I’d probably wouldn’t kick her out of bed, but knowing where she’s been, I wouldn’t hit that if my life depended on it.”

And then, you have the girls’ reaction: Disappointment. And let me tell you why.

Whenever a female is self-conscious about their own looks, they were always comforted by the age-old clichés. Things like “Beauty is only skin deep,” or, “It’s on the inside what counts.” However, let’s face it, that’s comforting nobody. Despite what you’ve seen on an episode of Full House, when Danny Tanner is consoling Stephanie while she lies dejected in her bedroom at the end of an episode, nobody ever hears those phrases and feels better. The only way they will feel better is by finding somebody who loves them for who they are, or actually becoming more physically attractive.

It’s just how it is. However, that changed when Jersey Shore came along.

In 2009, MTV produced a show that featured seven imbecile, juvenile, disgusting individuals who decided that they wished to disgrace the human race. And even worse, millions watched.

But the worst of the seven? One, Nicole Polizzi, also known as, Snooki.

Snooki represented this gigantic, fat blob of a person. She was deemed universally disgusting by men and women of all cultures. Her behavior, her physical appearance, her skin tone and her hairstyle were deplorable, and soon enough, her name became a running joke across the country.

So, instead of being comforted by the old adage, “Real beauty is on the inside,” girls suddenly became comforted by a new train of thought.

“Well, at least I’m not Snooki.”

Except that this one actually worked. When girls felt low, unattractive and ugly, they could think of Snooki in their darkest hour, and suddenly see the light. With just one thought, their self-esteem and self-confidence boosted. Snooki was rock bottom, and every other girl in America knew they could never stoop below her.

And now, that is gone. With Snooki’s dramatic weight loss, females can no longer be comforted by that fact. So much so, that the girls who were comforted by that fact, probably only feel worse than ever. If Snooki can suddenly make herself mildly attractive, why can’t they? By losing 98 lbs., Snooki has managed to ruin the self-esteem of the girls of America. She’s taken away their one crutch.

I mean, look at her now.

I hate to say it, in fact, I’m ashamed to say it, but in that picture… she looks kind of sexy.

That being said, I don’t care how desperate or drunk I am, I would not have sex with her. In fact, I would gladly — GLADLY — have sex with a hot transgendered woman before I even touch Snooki.

I said it.

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