I kinda, sorta wish it was socially acceptable for men to carry a purse

There’s a pet peeve of mine that I’ve somehow managed to never mention in the 2+ years I have been writing this blog.

It has always bothered me whenever I see women carrying around giant purses. I know that there are a lot of things that people carry around with them, but whenever I see a girl carry around a purse that it the size of a golden retriever, it always makes me wonder what they could possibly carry around that requires so much space.

Phone, money, credit cards, makeup, keys… I got nothing else. Those are the five essentials I can see women needing at all times, and I see no reason why those cannot all fit into a moderate size bag. Meanwhile, when I see these giant bags, it makes me feel like they are also carrying around a change of clothes, a fish tank, a small child, an easy bake oven and a typewriter.

I just don’t understand what purpose they serve. Are you planning to go on vacation in the extreme near future? Is it your carry-on bag or something?

Or maybe it’s like one of those giant plastic ornaments, where inside each ornament is an incrementally smaller ornament, and it keeps going until the last ornament is tiny. Perhaps if I peered into one of these giant purses, I would see a medium-sized purse, and inside there would be a smaller purse, and then an even smaller purse, etc. That would actually be pretty awesome.

And it’s not like giant purses are aesthetically pleasing either. I can’t say that I know much about women’s fashion, but I always assumed that the more fashionable a purse is, the smaller it gets. Sometimes you see females carrying around a bag so tiny that it looks like they can barely even fit a quarter in there. I’m sure they’re expensive, and made by some hip designer, but they don’t seem very practical.

I’m sure women wish they didn’t have to carry around purses all the time. I’m equally as sure that if asked, most women would say that they wish they could travel as lightly as men. All we need is two pockets and we’re golden. We bring our wallet, keys and phone and that’s it.

However, as Bob Dylan once sang, the times they are a changing.

As I’ve stated numerous times, I live in Long Island, and I frequently travel towards New York City. Since my travels include two train rides, I need to bring some sort of entertainment with me. My phone would serve that purpose well, but I prefer to not drain my battery before the sun goes down. Thus, whenever I travel, I bring my iPod with me.

Although I do my best to preserve my phone battery, this is the smart phone age, and it is inevitably going to die, and sooner rather than later. So that means that on top of my phone, wallet and keys, I also need to bring my phone charger, iPod and headphones with me. The good thing about men’s jeans is that they have four pockets. It won’t be comfortable, but I can utilize all four of those pockets to fit everything.

And if it’s the winter or the fall, then I am most likely wearing a jacket. Since I am a poser, I’ll probably be wearing a pea coat. An added benefit of those coats is that they have like nineteen pockets. As a result, those coats singlehandedly solve the space issue.

But in the spring or the summer, it’s not so easy. And that is when, at times, I wish that it was socially acceptable for men to carry around a purse. I say socially acceptable because, come on, if a man carried around a purse, every single person they pass will look at them and form a judgment in their head. That’s the plain truth. They probably won’t say anything to you, but they will indeed acknowledge the purse, and they will think less of you.

“But who cares what other people think?” somebody will say. Who cares? Everybody cares. Regardless of who denies it, everybody cares what other people think about them. Whether it’s friends, acquaintances or complete strangers who you will never see again. We all care.

If I could wear a purse, and if society wouldn’t judge me, then I could safely stash all of my belongings into it, and walk around comfortably. Of course, it would take some time for me to actually remember to keep the purse with me at all times. Again, men travel light, and we don’t think in terms of remembering things. It’s hard enough for us to remember close our tabs when we leave bars.

There really are no manly variations of a purse. There’s those satchels or those briefcases that some working professionals strap around their shoulders. But, those never quite made it to the mainstream. A bunch of hipsters thought they were going to make it, and I’ll admit that they may have been on the cusp, but they fell short and are now borderline extinct.

The closest that we have is a backpack, but let’s face it, not only are those too big of an inconvenience to carry around, but if you wear one with you in New York City, 1 out of 10 people are going to think you are a terrorist. Especially while on a subway. They’re almost as bad as women carrying around a giant purse.

Ideally, I wish I had a female companion who had her own purse and would willingly carry my stuff for me. Not necessarily a girlfriend, just some broad who would stick around me for the night and hold my crap. She’d be like a hostess — minus the prostitution.

Or maybe I can pull a Christopher McCandless, and ditch every single one of my belongings and live in the arctic. That way, I wouldn’t have a single item to carry around.

On second though, a prostitute sounds better.

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