Sorry, but if you don’t drink, we probably can’t be friends

Let me begin by saying that I have absolutely no problem with people who choose to abstain from drinking alcohol.

Whether it’s because of medical reasons, or because you’ve been raised to believe that alcohol is unacceptable, or because you just don’t enjoy the taste of it, then that is absolutely fine. I respect your lifestyle decisions. In fact, if you are able to go out with your friends, and you have enough of a freewheeling personality that you can seamlessly hang out with other people while they drink, then more power to you. I wish I was as good as you.

That being said, I’ll respect you, I’ll hang out with you, but we probably won’t get along too well.

I am not an alcoholic, nor am I an alcoholic in denial, but I prefer to spend my weekends imbibing in it. During the week, I don’t have the slightest desire to even think about alcohol. I want to be in my jammies at 8 p.m., lying on my bed and watching reruns of Bones with a sporting game on in the background.

But come Friday or Saturday night, I am disappointed if a beer is not in my hand come 8 p.m.

Am I capable of having fun without alcohol? Of course. It depends on the context, and who I am with, obviously, but, let’s face it, alcohol brings you to a level of euphoria, boldness and immaturity that would never occur if you were not inebriated. With that sensation comes wacky situations that form memories which last a lifetime.

I’m not saying to get drunk by yourself — that would be depressing — but get drunk with your closest friends.

It’s safe to say that all my close friends highly enjoy getting intoxicated on weekends just as much as I do. It’s a common bond we all share, and it makes for great times. My coworkers pretty much always expect me to have a good story ready whenever I come to work on Monday, and I can thank that all to alcohol.

Might it take a year, or five, off my life? It may. But at least I can say I had fun.

So, when I meet someone, and one of the first things I learn about them is that they don’t drink, my initial thought is, “why?”

And since alcohol is involved most of the times when I am hanging out with friends, it’s safe to say that me and this person will not become best friends.

Again, I respect other people’s lifestyle choices. Recreational drinking is one of my big lifestyle choices. If someone else doesn’t partake, then that is a big thing that we do not have in common. It works just like any other character trait. If I meet someone who just happens to be a racist, then I probably won’t get along with them too well either.

If I were to ever go on a blind date, and within five minutes of the date, I offer to buy the girl a drink, and she responds, “No thanks, I don’t drink,” then I would probably not utter a single word, get up, put on my coat, and simply leave. From that point forward, it’s not going to work. I don’t care what she looks like, or how cool she is, no girl is ever going to change that about me.

Might I lose a little bit of my desire to drink as much if I found a girlfriend who I truly loved? Probably. But I’d still want to drink a lot. In my opinion, that’s one of the most important aspects of having a significant other; being able to go out and party with her and your friends. If I ever have a girlfriend that prefers to spend her Friday and Saturday nights cuddling and watching television with me, then I’ll know that I’ve settled for the wrong girl.

I’m not just looking for a girlfriend — I’m looking for a partner. And more importantly, a beer pong partner. It’s probably a moot point anyway, because I fully expect to meet the girl of my dreams when I’m drunk, either at a party or a bar, and not at a library or a museum. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

One more time for emphasis: I am not saying that people who choose not to drink alcohol are inferior to anybody else, nor that they are boring, or even that they are missing out.

All I’m implying is that if we were ever to hang out, we’re probably going to have a hard time finding something to talk about. But we can sure try, ya boring loser!

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