Having a $50 bill in your wallet is cool for just like one day

Yesterday I was at Dunkin’ Donuts grabbing my afternoon cup of coffee, when I reached into my wallet to grab some change. My coffee only cost like $1.60, but I only had three bills in my pocket; a $20, another $20, and a $50.

Side note: I bet that 9/10 people can’t name the president on this bill

For a moment, I had to think about how I even possessed a $50. Unless I’m shopping at freaking Tiffany’s, I am not going to spend enough money on something that necessitates me getting fifty dollars worth of change. Also, ATM’s do not distribute $50s. Even if you request that amount of money, you will be given two twenties and a ten.

It is those factors that led me to realize that I rarely am in possession of bills that are greater than a $20.

But then I remembered that I received the $50 over the weekend, because I was collecting money for the concert tickets I had purchased for my friends. It was one of my friends who gave me a $50. How he got it I have no idea. Perhaps he deals drugs. And if he does, I need to figure out his rates.

But anyway, the point is that I had a $50 bill.

At first, I have to admit, I felt pretty ballin’. As I stated earlier, it’s not every day you have such a bill in your pocket. Especially when you’re still working at your entry-level job.

Naturally, I made a point to take out the $50 bill to let everyone know that I had one. I made some stupid comment to justify it, like, “When the hell did I get a fifty-dollar bill?” Even though I knew perfectly well when.

In that one sheet of paper, I had enough money to buy 25 coffees. I could buy a round of shots for all of my friends at the bar. I could get a 10-minute lap dance from a stripper. All with one little sheet of paper.

It might sound pathetic, but it makes you feel a little powerful to hold such a bill.

But then came the next immediate thought. How was I going to pay for my coffee? Obviously I wouldn’t use a $50 to pay for a $1.60 coffee, and besides, Dunkin’ Donuts actually has a strict policy where they do not accept bills greater than $50. So I couldn’t use it even if I wanted to.

Today I had the same problem. My lunch cost about seven bucks, and that still wasn’t enough money to use it on. I have a feeling that this is going to be a problem for a long time.

As cool as having a fifty-dollar bill is for the first day, it’s equally as annoying for every other day you possess it. It’s just going to sit there, unusable, inside of your wallet. It almost serves no purpose. I almost want to make it a counterfeit bill and scratch out the 0, so that it looks like a 5. Then I can actually use it.

It’s sitting there in my wallet. Haunting me. It knows it’s never going to be used.

Also, I know I can just walk into a store and ask for a change, but come on, no cashiers or store owners want me to do that. I always feel guilty whenever I pay for something that costs less than $3 and I have no choice but to pay with a $20. Stores must have such an excess of 20-dollar-bills at all times, when what they really need is smaller bills so they can better distribute change.

So I can’t even imagine what dirty looks I’d get from storekeepers if I asked them to take my $50 off of my hands. I’d probably be outlawed from the store.

I can only think of one legitimate strategy; head to a bar this weekend, order an exorbitant amount of drinks, and use it to pay my tab. Everyone wins!

Well everyone except the starving children in Kenya who will never see fifty dollars in their lifetimes. Sorry guys. I feel for you.

Before I go, here is the cover of the recent issue of GQ magazine, featuring the one and only Kate Upton.

Oh man. Okay, it’s time for me to, uh, well I just gotta go.

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