How easy is it to NOT be in a sex tape?

Before I begin, let me preface by saying that, no, I have not seen the Dark Knight Rising. Although I do want to see it solely so that I can come home and subsequently post on Facebook: “Just saw the Dark Knight Rising. It was… eh.” I want to do it just so I can see the outburst that would ensue from all the die-hard nerds who are coining it “the best movie ever.”

I also find it humorous that there’s actually enough of a plot that the movie can be spoiled. I keep hearing about how people are becoming disappointing because their friends “spoiled” the ending for them. Really? It ends in a way other than Batman catching the bad guy?

In all seriousness though, I do wish to see it before the end of the week. I just need to find time in my day to devote three hours towards so that I can actually do it.

And before I move on to today’s topic, I just want to say that I have no desire to discuss the Aurora shooting. Just the mere thought of the innocent people who died simply because they wanted to go see a movie — it’s sickening. It’s unfortunate that things like this could actually happen, and even more unfortunately, will continue to happen. But actually giving the incident any credence and prolong discussion is feeding right into the guy’s hands that committed this horrible deed. So I digress.

Alright so today, miraculously, I somehow heard rumors about two celebrity sex tapes that may or may not surface. The first one is of Minka Kelly, a girl who is known for the show, “Friday Night Lights,” but is probably more famous for dating Derek Jeter.

This one is supposedly pretty legitimate, but the article says that it may have also been filmed when she was 17 years old. (She is 32 now.) Yikes.

The second rumor I heard about a sex tape was in an email sent to me by a dear friend who thought I might be interested to know that Carly Rae Jepsen might have a sex tape.

This one is almost definitely b.s., as the only evidence is still shots of a girl who sort of resembles Carly Rae performing sexual acts. There is no other evidence whatsoever, and it appears to me that the girl is simply a doppelgänger, and that Perez Hilton creepily posted it on his blog to draw attention and stir shit up.

But all he has accomplished is scorning the good name of Carly Rae Jepsen. As a female celebrity, I imagine having any association with a sex tape whatsoever is as damning as an athlete being associated with steroids. Because whether it’s true or not, there will henceforth always be that little seedling of doubt in people’s minds that it may actually be true. Poor Carly Rae.

What today’s sex tape events made me realize, though, is how often a name comes up in association with sex tapes. They almost never come to fruition, but I feel like every now and then you hear a big time celebrity’s name pop up.

And then in the times when they do actually leak, like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton, how can you possibly be sympathetic? It’s easy to look at them as “victims” — although, in their cases it essentially made them famous and “earned” them millions upon millions of dollars. But hey, at least they kept their dignity!

But seriously, just think of all the steps that need to occur for a sex tape to come to fruition.

First, you need to have sex.
If you’re hot, and rich, then this is obviously not a problem. But, I just thought it was pertinent to point out that the most surefire way to avoid being featured in a sex tape is to abstain. That’s precisely why I don’t have as much sex as I could. To avoid sex tapes… and no other reason.

The person you need to have sex with must be a sleazy, sleazy man.
I mean, even suggesting that you film the two of you having six is incredibly grimy. In a girl’s eyes, it’s probably worse than introducing the thought of having a threesome. A decent dude would not make any voyeuristic suggestions. And if it’s with a dude who films it without you knowing, well, then his sleaziness is unparalleled. Way to pick ’em!

You need to position cameras in very strategic positions.
While gathering a video camera, and placing it on your dresser to perfectly face the bed, you have plenty of opportunities to start thinking, “You know… this may not be such a good idea.” At the very least, it’s a several-minute process. If you still want to go through with it after that, then God bless your soul.

You have to not let the video end up in the wrong hands.
Even after you film yourself having sex, you can still use the cop-out excuse of “It was just meant to be for my own personal keepsake!” Well, okay then, how about you keep the video yourself then? if you allow your male counterpart to have a copy, then what the hell did you think was going to happen?

That’s not exactly a quick one or two-step process right there. Several things need to happen for a sex tape of yourself to go viral. So when it does miraculously happen, you probably should not expect any sympathy.

It’s the same thing as the female celebrities who have their cell phone hacked, only to have pictures of them in scandalous poses go viral on the Internet. I’m amazed at how many times this happens. Is this what girls really do? Pose in front of a mirror while exposing themselves? And then send it to another person? I mean, if this is how girls truly behave, then where the hell have I been? Why do all my text messages consist of my friends telling me about sports news?

For being so stupid, women like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton deserve every bit of negative backlash that they will recieve for the rest of their lives. Like this:

That is pretty hysterical. For those oblivious, Ray J is the guy that Kimmy performed her sex tape with. And on a related note, I had absolutely no idea until this weekend that Ray J is Brandy’s brother. That information will provide no benefit to my life in any way, shape or form, but I am glad I know it.

In conclusion, abstinence is the way to go. Because you never know what is going to end up on the Internet.

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